Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[That Violin Guy he/him]

Ok this is the one I was hoping would happen. Bring it on @FatherTiempo

[+Ark1002]

go Chmap!

[FatherTiempo he/him]

*quickly reviews existential philosophy in preparation*

[I think I am here. he/him]

1 hour ago, FatherTiempo said:

*quickly reviews existential philosophy in preparation*

*kicks down door*

Did someone say existential?

Good luck Tiempo and Chmap 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

When's voting over? The suspense is killing me.  @Paranoid King

[Paranoid King he/him]

Just now, Handerfle said:

When's voting over? The suspense is killing me.  @Paranoid King

Hmm... I can't decide between 24 and 48 hours. On the one hand, I want to release results. On the other hand, the vote's almost tied right now.

You'll know the results for sure by tomorrow, though.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

18 minutes ago, Paranoid King said:

Hmm... I can't decide between 24 and 48 hours. On the one hand, I want to release results. On the other hand, the vote's almost tied right now.

You'll know the results for sure by tomorrow, though.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Alright thanks! 

[+Sorana she/her]

12 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

Hmm... I can't decide between 24 and 48 hours. On the one hand, I want to release results. On the other hand, the vote's almost tied right now.

You'll know the results for sure by tomorrow, though.

it's tomorrow for me

(just kidding. Don't let me stress you - I'm only excited.)

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

35 minutes ago, Sorana said:

it's tomorrow for me

(just kidding. Don't let me stress you - I'm only excited.)

I'm the same way, I keep checking.  (But yea whenever you have time.)

[+Sorana she/her]

9 minutes ago, Handerfle said:

I'm the same way, I keep checking.  (But yea whenever you have time.)

Even that it's close is great! Means we both did a good job!

[Paranoid King he/him]

And the votes are in!

This was a close match, but in the end, @Handerfle pulled ahead. Congratulations!

The current score is:

Scadrial: 1

Roshar: 0

[+Sorana she/her]

1 hour ago, Paranoid King said:

This was a close match, but in the end, @Handerfle pulled ahead. Congratulations!

Congratulations!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

7 hours ago, Sorana said:

Congratulations!

No way! I didn't think it would win. Good round Sorana!

[FatherTiempo he/him]

When is the deadline for the second Roast?

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

October 6th @FatherTiempo

[+Ark1002]

Go Scadrial!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Let's go Scadrial! Almost time!

[Paranoid King he/him]

@FatherTiempo and @That Violin Guy, you have 1 day to submit your roasts!

[FatherTiempo he/him]

Thinking of a rhyme for rutabaga. Hmmmmm.

[I think I am here. he/him]

3 hours ago, FatherTiempo said:

Thinking of a rhyme for rutabaga. Hmmmmm.

May I introduce you to my little friend .

[FatherTiempo he/him]

Spoiler

While I was taking a break, from the writing of a thesis,

I heard about some Shard telling me all the reasons

That he would be greater than me.

Well, that is a lie I just can’t let stand, you see.

 

I’m Jasnah Kholin

I’ll be the best to the end.

You may have a Shard,

But you’ve got nothing on me

 

Oh Sazed,

You think that you can stand

Underneath the onslaught with my quill in my hand?

I’m an Elsecaller, I have two surges to work with, and I hobnob with divinities.

You’ve got two Shards, well good for you.

You’ll still wish you stayed on little Scadrial when I’m through.

 

You failed all your friends and then they died.

You took up the power, oh we’re so surprised.

Didn’t you plan it?

Didn’t you want it?

You doubted all the doctrines

So you created your own.

I have no such weakness, an atheist down to the bone.

 

So you’re a Shard. You think that makes you hot?

Bonding with a splinter of divinity is what I’ve got.

It may seem small, but I got plans.

Just watch what happens to Odium.

Don’t worry it's going to be grand.

 

I’m Jasnah Kholin

I bonded with infinity.

I can change the composition of air or wine.

Even without a god, I’m doing just fine

 

Sazed

You’re Crazed

To Enjoy

Your placement.

I’ve been so

Complacent

To have refrained from putting you out of your misery.

 

Preservation you got

From a crazy

Old sot.

Ruin you achieved

With destruction

And greed.

 

You claim you don’t like praise

Please, let’s not play these games.

Your face glows with pride as your priests bow and sigh

At the thought of pleasing their perfect Harmony.

 

You may hold two Shards.

It’s a pity that don’t come with brains.

You servants are taken over by a force you can’t contain.

Your outmatched

Out classed

And your sense of style’s poor.

Oh, you thought I was talking about your war with Trell?

That fact, dear boy, has already been established so well,

I was only trying to say

That---THIS ROAST WON’T GO YOUR WAY!!!!

 

I’m Jasnah Kholin

Who are you again?

A simple Terrisman

You don’t even have a plan.

 

Though I am truly engrossed

I must pause from this roast

I have work you see

On a treatise,

Or three

So, why don’t you take it Ivory?

 

Ivory steps up to the microphone, with a large stack of papers under his arm. He carefully slides out green shutter shades and rests them on his nose.

 

 

Ahem

 

I believe, my good sir, it is likely you will find,

Possibly located in your coppermind,

That your ineptitude is exemplary.

(Don’t even reach for that dictionary)

Many times you have shown your incompetence.

I attribute it to lack of intelligence.

I feel that you would be home with a cup of tea

And hide away to protect your turbulent emotional sea.

My bond is forged on logic, and careful thought

The Lady Radiant, contrary to you, is almost a rock.

Feelings are useless, they cloud your thinking.

Perhaps, if you were without them, you wouldn’t be sinking.

When Honor died, he upheld his sons and daughters.

You have two Shards, both alive and well,

But you still can’t win a fight with Trell.

You use your upbringing in philosophy to twist your people's minds.

You have as much in common with Honor as with a bucket of brine.

Now, as it is, the Lady Radiant is motioning to me

That she would like to put you out of your misery.

I thank you for your time

Good luck, and goodbye.

I can recommend a good therapist when you’re through.

 

I’m Jasnah Kholin

I can get under your skin.

Stormlight coursing through my veins

I can be such a pain.

 

You had trouble with inquisitors?

They’re nothing to me.

I travel between realms,

Armies, I easily overwhelm.

I turn air to pitch, then set it afire.

I can even convince a stick to be fire.

Stone is stubborn, you need some tact.

Come on Sazed let’s face the facts.

You can heal, good for you.

Any Radiant could do that too.

You can store weight, well ain’t that great.

Changing your weight won’t save you from your fate.

If you ever tried to fight me, I’m sure that you’ll find me

A riveting opponent

With a skill-set you don’t know yet.

I have a blade to cut through diamonds and souls.

What would it do to you? If I may be so bold.

I can edit your molecular composition

Before you even move into position.

I turn armies into glass,

Change the air into sassafras,

Build a city in a day? On that one I think I’ll pass.

Such menial labor is so far beneath my glance.

 

As much fun as this has been

I think that you are well done.

The smell of singed Shard is not a pleasant odor

So, if you will excuse me, this roast is over.

 

I’m Jasnah Kholin

Here I come crashing in.

Just like a Knight Radiant.

Yeah, I’m in for the win.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Ketek written by Queen Jasnah Kholin after her infamous roast of the Shard known as Harmony:

 

Sazed.

 

Poor, roasted Sazed

 

Has been burned.

 

Is Sazed Roasting?

 

Poor Sazed.

 

 

Whew, that was tough. I can fully appreciate everything you guys go through to put these out now.

Edit: I accidentally found it when I was looking for a rhyme for incompetence.

5 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

May I introduce you to my little friend .

Edited October 6, 2019 by FatherTiempo

[I think I am here. he/him]

On 07/10/2019 at 3:40 AM, FatherTiempo said:

Whew, that was tough. I can fully appreciate everything you guys go through to put these out now.

Wonderful roast, Tiempo!

On 07/10/2019 at 3:40 AM, FatherTiempo said:

I can even convince a stick to be fire.

I think we already know the winner here

@Oduim’s Chmapion because the previous tag might not have worked.

Edited October 7, 2019 by I think I am here.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Nice roast Tiempo, but @Oduim’s Chmapion will win this for Scadrial! As long as he didn’t forget after losing his account.

[Paranoid King he/him]

@That Violin Guy, you have one more day to submit your roast, before Tiempo wins by default!

If you need more time, I'm willing to work with you, but if you don't respond by tomorrow, I'll have to end this round.

Let me know how things are going! Good luck!

Edited October 8, 2019 by Paranoid King

[+Ed Venture]

On 10/6/2019 at 2:40 PM, FatherTiempo said:

Change the air into sassafras,

Huh. I didn’t know that Jasnah could soulcast the air into a rock and roll band!