103% Accurate List of Things that will happen in Stones Unhallowed

[Lightflame]

I totally saw Brandon the other day, and he was getting drunk on stormlight. He was so drunk that when I offered to help him carry the giant vats of concrete he was lugging around (don't ask), he just handed me some notes on his plans for Stones Unhallowed and walked away.

 

Being a loyal fan of Brandonalsium, I decided to do the only logical thing and post what will happen in the next book for all to see. I hope you enjoy having Stormlight Archive #3 ruined for you!

 

- The prologue is Elhokar at the party where Gavilar died. He notices Dalinar following the codes as Gavilar said. Then, the two mysterious men convince him to trick Dalinar into getting completely wasted. He gets Dalinar drunk, then gives Szeth directions to Gavilar's room, gives Sadeas the handbook on how to stop the Desolations (it was the only one of its kind, and Sadeas destroys it), gives Venli the tip that she needs to unlock Stormform, and gives Darkness a list of crimes committed by all Surgebinders so that he can kill them. Adolin is also revealed to have dated Shallash.

- In present day, the Ghostbloods say that Shallan must find true love if she wants to join them. She angsts over whether she loves Kaladin or Adolin.

- Kaladin flies in to Hearthstone in the middle of Roshone's marriage to Laral (it was a really long engagement). Roshone has now grown an evil goatee and intends to push his new button that gives supreme power to Odium once he gets married. Kaladin bursts in and gives his objection right before the vows. Everyone cheers that Kaladin saved the day, only for a brick to knock him out.

- Jasnah has to babysit Baby Odium, the suckling child from WoK Chapter 57's Death Rattle.

- Szeth decides to chase his dream and become a rockstar. It is revealed in his flashbacks that everyone in Shinovar discouraged this dream because stone was sacred. Szeth was sad, but then he saw someone Soulcasting some grass into a guitar. Using the guitar, he rocked out, singing that the end was coming. He was made Truthless because his music was too loud.

- It's revealed that Lirin has turned evil and crowned himself Emperor of Hearthstone. Kaladin, Roshone, Laral, Jost's Dad, and Hesina team up to stop Lirin from upgrading the Voidbringers into the Super Voidbringers. However, when Kaladin tries to fight him, Lirin goes Super Saiyan and defeats Kaladin, telling him that he has to unlock more true potential.

- Dalinar confesses that he doesn't remember his wife, only to find out that her name actually is "Shshshshshshsh".

- Jasnah runs into a hat-obsessed man who likes drinking metal, claims that two and two equals pickle, can regenerate and slow time, is a master of disguise, and hates guns. Brandon's notes indicate that he is indeed a worldhopper: Hrathen.

- The Highspren cause Highstorms, but they've grown tired of it so they give Adolin the power to make Highstorms.

- Shallan actually does draw herself as a bridgeman, causing her to realize that she loves Kaladin.

- Kaladin decides to say the Fourth Oath to get enough power to defeat Emperor Lirin. However, when he learns that it's, "I will not go after my friend's girl", he refuses to say it.

- Dalinar walks up to Shallan and says, "Kaladin killed Helaran" with no context, then walks away.

- Nalan is also in possession of a giant block of ice in which Spook has cryogenically frozen himself.

- The recurring Interlude character (like Szeth in WoK and Eshonai in WoR) is Mazrim Taim.

- Ghost Sadeas appears and swears the Oath, "The death is my life, the strength becomes my weakness, the journey has ended", causing him to transform into Sataneas.

- Kaladin tries to flee Hearthstone, but ends up tripping over and unplugging a power cord. This gets rid of Emperor Lirin's power, and Kaladin easily defeats him. As thanks for stopping Lirin, Laral gives Kaladin a big smooch. However, as she does, Shallan walks in, gasps, and runs away. Kaladin chases after her saying that he can explain and we see no more of them in this book.

- To raise money for the new Radiants, Dalinar and Renarin start a car wash. However, Amaram's 1974 Parsher truck turns out to be a Carform Parshendi, which turns into the legendary Voidmobile when Adolin hits it with a Highstorm.

- Lopen is part of the 11th Radiant Order, the Ganchos.

- Szeth and Darkness can't get into Shinovar because there's a ten dollar admission fee. Spook defrosts and the trio go on an epic quest to find ten dollars.

- Derethil is still alive and the Aesudan subplot is resolved when Wandersail falls from the sky and crushes her.

- Nan Balat reveals that Shallan's mom's name was 'Restares Davar'.

- Szeth, Spook, and Darkness run into Jasnah, owner of Roshar's last ten dollars. Szeth and Jasnah bond over their mutual fakeout deaths.

- Navani falls into a parallel dimension where Steelheart, The Rithmatist, and Alcatraz are part of the Cosmere.

- Lift eats Sadeas's body, causing Sataneas to get mad.

- Szeth finally gets back to Shinovar with the ten dollar admission fee, only to find out that they're closed for the summer.

- Taravangian finds love.

- Adolin gets a puppy and names it Sureblood Jr. However, his puppy gets eaten by TenSoon.

- It's revealed that Odium wants to destroy the Cosmere because he got friendzoned by Cultivation.

- The Nightwatcher is revealed to actually be the Nightwasher, and only gives you a boon and a curse if you wash your dishes.

- Eshonai wakes up and finds that she has been rebuilt into a cyborg.

- It's revealed that the Ten Fools founded a group called the Knights Radian. It takes two orders to form a Knights Diameter.

- The big twists of the book are:

1. The Recreance happened becuase the Knights Radiant were no longer given a discount on fast food.

2. Elhokar has already been assassinated and Danlan has tricked everyone into thinking that she is Elhokar.

3. The masked Ghostblood is Stella, daughter of Dalinar and Vin, master of all Radiant powers, only one who can stop Odium, and love interest of Hoid. (Totally not a Mary Sue.)

4. Nohadon plaigirized The Way of Kings, stealing it in its entirety from How to be Evil by Dilaf.

5. Lift gets a Shardfork.

6. Ronald McDonald is coming to Roshar.

 

I hope you are all happy to have the book utterly spoiled! Sorry Brandon, but I had to share this new info.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Lightflame

[synobal]

Are you drunk? Serious question I swear. 

[Luke.spence]

Are you drunk? Serious question I swear. 

 

If he is, I'll have what he's having.

[Spark]

Dalinar confesses that he doesn't remember his wife, only to find out that her name actually is "Shshshshshshsh".

 

 

Kaladin decides to say the Fourth Oath to get enough power to defeat Emperor Lirin. However, when he learns that it's, "I will not go after my friend's girl", he refuses to say it.

 

 

Lopen is part of the 11th Radiant Order, the Ganchos.

 

 

It`s revealed that Odium wants to destroy the Cosmere because he got friendzoned by Cultivation.

 

 

Lift gets a Shardfork.

 

 

 

I wanna see that being made into a movie.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Spark

[Armless writer]

Mind blown. At your creativity, nice job.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Armless writer

[Ephemera]

What I want is for Peter to swing by and tell us there is something even crazier than some of these

[Edgedancer]

Ahh, I also got my hands on these notes. Did you know there is a code in them for even more thing that happen? Some I managed to decipher.

 

-The ten forms of Voidbinding are: 1)Cottoneater, 2)Soilstomper, 3)Chalkscribler, 4)Toothpicker, 5)Doublefaker, 6)Rainbowhopper, 7)Telephoner, 8)Textmarker, 9)Pebbleroller and 10)Mustardmaker.

-Adolin revives his Shardbalde into a Shardsaladbowl.

-He then uses said Shard to go Highstorm surfing.

-Nightblood sings the text to Szeth´s rock music, while Darkness play the Drums, Spook the triangle and Jasnah the tambourine

-Their music summons Susebron.

-Kaldins squires spend the time without Kaladin by training Cremlings disguised as Squirrels.

-A blind persons bonds a funkyspren to become a Willshaper.

-The Willshaper teaches the other KR to defeat to beat the Voidbringers by disco dancing.

-Susebron teaches Szeth to play that weired returned ball game, so he can officially win Nightblood from Vasher.

-Nightblood helpes Vasher winning by singing "Do you want to play with Nightblood?"

-Jasnah childhood trauma is that she caught Galviar writing a horrible poem.

-Shallash ruines all art of herself because they were made on a bad hair day.

-The Diagram code means "Ha ha, actually you just need to breed cats and have them dance a cute dance on the Shattered plains to stop the Desolation, but right now I´m a sociopaht and enjoy imagining you suffering."

[ranstang94]

um, wow that I would never have seen coming... it all makes perfect sense. -backs away slowly- 

[Cromptj]

- Nalan is also in possession of a giant block of ice in which Spock has cryogenically frozen himself.

Fixed.

Also, don't forget the part when the piper in the night appears and the entire third section turns into a musical with attached sheet music, to be written by Howard Tayler.

My favourite song was when Kaladin reacts to Shallan being stuck in the carriage exclaiming, "don't put Baby in the corner", before singing "I've had the life before death" to the tune of "I've had the time of my life" in a duet with Shallan.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Cromptj

[HydrogenAlpha]

Wasn't this the book where Lopen found Nightblood on the ground and traded it away for 3 donkeys and Odium quit his role as the bad guy to follow his dream being a interior decorator ?

I wonder how you guys will react when you find out that Adonalsium shattered because he ate his frozen yogurt too fast.

[Mojoran]

Wasn't this the book where Lopen found Nightblood on the ground and traded it away for 3 donkeys and Odium quit his role as the bad guy to follow his dream being a interior decorator ? I wonder how you guys will react when you find out that Adonalsium shattered because he ate his frozen yogurt too fast.

 

And the shards are the shards of his umm... throne

[marianmi]

- Nan Balat reveals that Shallan`s mom`s name was `Restares Davar`.

 

I think this one was the best

[PeterAhlstrom]

What I want is for Peter to swing by and tell us there is something even crazier than some of these

Hahaha, these are hilarious.

 

Unfortunately, I know little of the plot of book 3 right now.

[Oudeis]

Unfortunately, I know little of the plot of book 3 right now.

Well, apart from all this stuff, obviously.

[Neru]

I was calling BS in all of this until I read SHARDFORK....

How much booze do we need to make Brandon spill the beans about book 4?

[Velnica]

My eyes... They're open! I have seen the Truth! I'm officially a follower of the church of Whatever-Lightflame-was-on

[Lightflame]

My eyes... They're open! I have seen the Truth! I'm officially a follower of the church of Whatever-Lightflame-was-on

I've been snorting the White Sand.

[Lateralus]

My wife and mother-in-law just asked "what are you laughing about over there?"

I told them that they could enjoy it too after I read both Stormlight books to them and then let them read the list, no takers... but I won't give up.

Kaladin refusing to say the 4th oath about had me in tears, kudos!

[Observer]

So is this or is this not a confirmation that Stormlight has an intoxicating effect?  Because if so, Kaladin is about to become the poster child for "Be safe: Don't drink and fly."

[Swimmingly]

Off'cer , I shwear, I was just out fer an evening stroll an' then everythin' turns upside down and I'm fallin' every which way.

THAT'S WHAT I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR!

[GreyPilgrim]

So is this or is this not a confirmation that Stormlight has an intoxicating effect? Because if so, Kaladin is about to become the poster child for "Be safe: Don't drink and fly."

It's not that Stormlight has an official intoxicating effect. It's just that Lightflame is crazy. His entire purpose on this forum is to come on every now and then and post something insane from the recesses of his mind, whatever he is on.

I must say, though. With Lopen out glowing now and other squires, the Cobalt Guard may well need regulations to prevent alcohol-induced flying crashes.

[hoser]

*cancels preorder for "Stones Unhallowed"*

[Patrick Star]

We also find out who Hoid senior (Hoid's mentor) is.

 

It turns out that on Yolen, "Hoid" translates to "Stick"...

[Matrim Bloody Cauthon]

you forgot the part where cultivation faced odium about the voidbringers and started singing put those things back where they came from or so help me. after this odium breaks down in tears for the beauty of the song, thereafter he is reduced to talking in bad puns.

 

it turns out that the desolations were actually of smaug and that tanavast was not killed by odium but died of a stroke upon hearing szeths song.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Matrim Bloody Cauthon

[Ren]

Totally made my day!