Random Stuff X: Something Weird

[Silverblade5 he/him]

11 minutes ago, Shqueeves said:

@Silverblade5, I have a list of everything that the APWH test looks for in an essay. When I find it I'll do a full review of your essay, including the score you would get

Greatly appreciated. I found an online rubric

https://secure-media.collegeboard.org/digitalServices/pdf/ap/rubrics-ap-histories-historical-thinking-skills.pdf

[Exalted]

@Silverblade5

As someone who took on the monstrosity that is APEC last year, I have a couple comments:

• It might make it easier on the people who grade them if you said something like, "Firstname Lastname, a Chinese inventor, claimed that... [evidence]." It makes it obvious that you're drawing from the documents and not just your prior knowledge.
• In your contextualization section, it might help if you were to list what some of the technological advancements were.
• I don't see any PoV/Purpose/Context/Audience analysis for the documents, which is worth an entire point out of the 7 possible.
• I also don't see an obvious synthesis, which is worth another of your 7.
• Your thesis appears to be two sentences, which as of last year was allowed but highly controversial. I'm not sure about what's going on with that this year, though, so you're probably good on that.
• Your evidence from sources other than the documents is sparse but present, although it might be wise to add more so that the graders have no excuse to dock you points.

Your writing is great and your points are solid; you're just missing some of the things the AP rubric wants you to do. So as long as you add them in, you should be able to do really well on the AP exam, come May.

[Sunbird she/her]

1 minute ago, Silverblade5 said:

Thanks! What were some other problems you saw? Tell me everything that was wrong with it.

I think it might benefit from more varied sentence lengths. Most of the sentences are medium-short, about 9-16 words (a count I got from the second paragraph), and I think an easy way to keep readers'/graders' interest levels high might be to shorten some sentences and lengthen/combine others.

I also noticed a bit of repetition that was slightly distracting. The phrase "embraced the new technology" appears three times total, with the first two quite close together (first paragraph and beginning of the second). Changing the wording slightly in one or two of those places could be beneficial. In other places, I think you might be able to cut out a few words here and there that contain information already found nearby. Take the first paragraph for example:

Quote

During the transition from the first century BC to the first and second centuries AD, Rome and Han China were experiencing massive technological advancements. Opinions on these advances were mixed. In Han China and Rome, some embraced the new technology. However, in both empires, there were others who rejected it.

The yellow-highlighted phrases are very similar, and they might not all three be necessary. Obviously you want to keep the first one since it sets up your topic, but cutting one of the others might be beneficial.

In the same vein of "tightening" your writing, you might want to go through and see if any of the prepositional phrases can be swapped out for more direct or more natural ways of saying things. Take this bit from the second paragraph for example:

Quote

One example of this was the building of aqueducts. The creation of these enabled better water conservation (1). Because of this, government officials were able to  have better control of irrigation.

There are a lot of "of"s here that tend to draw attention to themselves when they're clustered like that. What if the wording were tweaked like so?

Quote

One example of this was the building of aqueducts. Their creation (or construction) enabled water conservation. As a result, government officials were able to have better control of irrigation.

I hope you find my comments helpful. =)

[Silverblade5 he/him]

1 hour ago, Exalted Dungeon Master said:

@Silverblade5

As someone who took on the monstrosity that is APEC last year, I have a couple comments:

• It might make it easier on the people who grade them if you said something like, "Firstname Lastname, a Chinese inventor, claimed that... [evidence]." It makes it obvious that you're drawing from the documents and not just your prior knowledge.
• That was the purpose for including the parenthesis. Doc citation.
• In your contextualization section, it might help if you were to list what some of the technological advancements were.
• Noted. I honestly spent most of the 15 minute planning period on finding ways to link evidence from docs into body paragraphs. Most of the first paragraph was poorly planned stuff + thesis
• I don't see any PoV/Purpose/Context/Audience analysis for the documents, which is worth an entire point out of the 7 possible.
• My attempts for this were generally in sentences following ones with citations, which were my attempts at utilizing doc evidence. May have written it in a way that allowed it to be mistaken as evidence analysis. I tried to combine the two.
• I also don't see an obvious synthesis, which is worth another of your 7.
• This was the point for the conclusion. I was told that synthesis = impact/importance. In this case, I tried to illustrate this as an example of progress vs tradition. Probably should've gone more in depth, but I was very nearly out of time 

• Your thesis appears to be two sentences, which as of last year was allowed but highly controversial. I'm not sure about what's going on with that this year, though, so you're probably good on that.
• This is correct. Last year my APUSH teacher taught that thesis should be 2-3 sentences. My World teacher this year continued that trend. I was taught that the important thing was that it mentioned the things I was going to talk about in my body paragraphs, and followed the same order they did when mentioning them.
• Your evidence from sources other than the documents is sparse but present, although it might be wise to add more so that the graders have no excuse to dock you points.
• This is true. My knowledge here was pretty sparse, and I was pretty much chulldunging my way through it anyways. My attempts at outside knowledge focused more on the future impact things mentioned in the docs might have, and made there way into my attempts at context/POV.

Your writing is great and your points are solid; you're just missing some of the things the AP rubric wants you to do. So as long as you add them in, you should be able to do really well on the AP exam, come May.

My responses are in bold.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Silverblade5

[Orlion Blight he/him]

4 hours ago, Sunbird said:

@Hemalurgic_Headshot In my experience, there is no such thing as bad chili.

Go to the supermarket and get canned chili from Hornel. 

Also, some forms of vegetarian chili.

[Sunbird she/her]

Just now, Orlion Determined said:

Go to the supermarket and get canned chili from Hornel. 

Also, some forms of vegetarian chili.

I can believe that. I love New England style clam chowder, but I refuse to eat it if it comes out of a can, so it makes sense that there would be a similar phenomenon with chili. I've tried like at least a dozen different recipes at restaurants, chili cookoffs, church activities and whatnot, and I have yet to taste one that I don't like. Wendy's has good chili too.

[Exalted]

1 hour ago, Silverblade5 said:

My responses are in bold.

All of that makes sense, just a couple things. 

1. Yeah, evidence analysis and PoV/CAP analysis are two very different beasts. You can make PoV/CAP more obvious by saying things like, "[Person] was a government official trying to convince citizens that a new age of glory was around the corner, so he wrote that...", which is why I suggested mentioning author titles/positions in addition to writing the article numbers.

2. I was taught in APEC that synthesis meant either tying the essay content to on of the six PERSIA categories (not recommended, since it could go unnoticed), or saying that it was similar to x other event in x other time period and explaining the significance. (I.e. synthesis is dragging in some huge abstract concept or other event, being really obvious, and telling people that "these are similar because".) But if your teacher thinks you don't need to be all that obvious about it, by all means continue the way you're doing it.

[Quiver he/him]

Fanfic I kind of want to write:

The classic Wonder Woman story has her leaving Paradise Island after American pilot, Steve Trevor, crashlands on the island. He tells her about the on-going world war II, and Diana sets out to bring peace to Man's World.

Kind of want to do a rewrite, where Diana leaves because the man who washes ashore is Steve Rogers...

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

9 minutes ago, Quiver said:

Fanfic I kind of want to write:

The classic Wonder Woman story has her leaving Paradise Island after American pilot, Steve Trevor, crashlands on the island. He tells her about the on-going world war II, and Diana sets out to bring peace to Man's World.

Kind of want to do a rewrite, where Diana leaves because the man who washes ashore is Steve Rogers...

I'd read that.  

[Quiver he/him]

10 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I'd read that.  

Actually, thought about it, and maybe a slightly different idea? 

What if Diana Prince replaces Steve Rogers? As in, young woman living in America, probably as a munitions worker doing her best to serve her county. One night, she ends up helping a German immigrant by the name of Abraham Erskine, which prompts him to use her for Project: Rebirth over the objections of the military brass, turning young Diana Prince into the Sentinel of Liberty. Of course, a woman as military Captain would be ridiculous, so she would need a different name, such as, say... Wonder Woman.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Quiver

[Oversleep]

So I'm not the only one who saw WW trailer and thought of Captain America: First Avenger?

[Orlion Blight he/him]

1 hour ago, Quiver said:

Fanfic I kind of want to write:

The classic Wonder Woman story has her leaving Paradise Island after American pilot, Steve Trevor, crashlands on the island. He tells her about the on-going world war II, and Diana sets out to bring peace to Man's World.

Kind of want to do a rewrite, where Diana leaves because the man who washes ashore is Steve Rogers...

And as she is on the cusp of realizing her goal, Steve Rogers tosses her out of a plane and declares, "Hail Hydra"

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

4 minutes ago, Orlion Determined said:

And as she is on the cusp of realizing her goal, Steve Rogers tosses her out of a plane and declares, "Hail Hydra"

NO. 

[Delightful]

1 hour ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I'd read that.  

me too! 

[Kestrel she/her]

I hate Paypal.

I'm trying to figure it out since I recently opened art commissions... I used an invoice because I heard its safer for artists. But. I can't get the money I received without "verifying my account."

Me: okay sure *puts in my credit card*

Pp: no you must be verified

Me: what do you want

Pp: put in... your whole... bank account...

Me: no???

Pp: please

 

No. I am not giving you that please kindly. Let me take my $12 in peace.

[Mestiv he/him]

5 minutes ago, Kestrel said:

I hate Paypal.

I'm trying to figure it out since I recently opened art commissions... I used an invoice because I heard its safer for artists. But. I can't get the money I received without "verifying my account."

Me: okay sure *puts in my credit card*

Pp: no you must be verified

Me: what do you want

Pp: put in... your whole... bank account...

Me: no???

Pp: please

 

No. I am not giving you that please kindly. Let me take my $12 in peace.

What kind of information do they want? Because Giving your account number to anyone isn't dangerous. It's like giving someone your email address. Also PayPal isnt going to give your number to anyone. 

Isn't account verification in PayPal done by receiving a small amount of money from them and sending it back?

Or you can just use your $12 to buy something online

[Kestrel she/her]

17 minutes ago, Mestiv said:

What kind of information do they want? Because Giving your account number to anyone isn't dangerous. It's like giving someone your email address. Also PayPal isnt going to give your number to anyone. 

Isn't account verification in PayPal done by receiving a small amount of money from them and sending it back?

Or you can just use your $12 to buy something online

Its just the number, but I also think I share an account with my dad and brother, I just have a separate card, so.... not gonna work.

The $12 is being held captive. Invoices are different than just sending/requesting money, it seems. I also might have accidentally made Paypal think I'm sending a physical package. But there's no option to select no tracking number or something.

[Kestrel she/her]

It just emailed me "please come claim your money!"

I've been trying to for two days now

[Mestiv he/him]

@Kestrel maybe talk with your dad about it? Or contact PayPal and ask if there are other options to verify your account. 

[Kestrel she/her]

I'll see. If I can't get it to work I'll just decline the payment and request it through the main send/receive thing.

[Quiver he/him]

17 hours ago, Oversleep said:

So I'm not the only one who saw WW trailer and thought of Captain America: First Avenger?

SO, I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THIS.

Yes, there are similarities with Cap; the both that both characters are getting their first films produced as period dramas (with superheroes!) and presenting the idea of "superhero as warrior" is a thing that both films that definitely pushing. Basically, Wonder Woman is the Thor analogue (character wise) but her film looks like it'll be their version of Cap.

That being said, there is a major difference between the two, and that's where I'm a little concerned: namely, that Wonder Woman is set in World War I, while Cap had World War II.

World War II is -and I think I can say this without controversy- one of the most "just" wars ever waged. I don't think that there is much debate about the merits of, and whether it was worth, fighting fascism. 

However, World War I is... messier. It was called the Great War for a reason, in that it was a grinder for human lives, and the reasons why it was fought are a lot less moral and justified than other wars are (basically, a network of alliances without any kind of international checks and balances dragging the entire world into a conflict).

That is actually a fantastic setting for Wonder Woman; part of her deal, historically, is meeting violence with love and redeeming villains. So, putting her in one of the worst, and most morally complicated, wars in history is a pretty cool idea, since it means that you have her in a place where she can be trying to solve the problem, rather than just winning the war.

... My concern is that the film makers aren't going to recognize that, and the sides are going to be presented as stereotypical, with none of the actual complexities that marks World War I as different from World War II. 

@Orlion Determined  @Deliiiiiightful

I might be working on a piece of fan fiction that I might post featuring Wonder Woman and/or Captain America.

[Delightful]

@Quiver please tag me when you do I will read the heck out of that. 

[Silverblade5 he/him]

It's amazing, finding out that on almost all points, you were close but not quite. 

[Nashan’Elin he/him]

Well, I'm about to go for an audition for my school musical. I'm fairly sure that I will be put on the ensemble, but still... the brain weasels and stomach-upsetting weasels have combined forces. Ah well, auditions are always hard. 

[marsoupial they/them]

23 minutes ago, Nashan'Elin said:

Well, I'm about to go for an audition for my school musical. I'm fairly sure that I will be put on the ensemble, but still... the brain weasels and stomach-upsetting weasels have combined forces. Ah well, auditions are always hard. 

Best of luck, Nash!