Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[+Doomstick he/him]

On 4/19/2019 at 5:50 AM, Shallan&Pattern said:

Okay, so I have a sanderfan in my class, and I was talking to her. I was quoting stormlight characters and doing impressions, we made a little game. Then one of my non sanderfan friends hears. All she knows is that Syl and Pattern are both spren. So she ships them together. She shipped Syl and Pattern together. Honor Spren and Lie Spren. I mean, come on. It makes zero sense. I told her that their species kinda hate eachothers guts. She still goes around saying Syltern.

*dies*

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Bad day...more like bad life...

Skipping through everything up to the past year and a half which have honestly been the worst part of my life (Already gone through the other aspects of my life here). I was going through a lot of crem last year, which translated into me as a person being pretty toxic. I spent most of my time in a state of extreme distress and paranoia and lashed out a lot to the people I loved the most. Whenever I was "lucid" which at times lasted months, I'd do everything in my power to set things straight. Except, nothing was ever enough and I'd end up feeling extremely disillusioned and suicidal and in retrospect talking about how I felt that way to them only served to distrust me even more (Whenever I'm hopeless I become extremely nihilistic and cynical and say stuff like "Oh you wouldn't care if I died" etc). 

Thing is, all I ever needed was support from my friends. I didn't immediately become toxic like that, nah I'd spent ages trying to get support from them but they always made things about themselves. I'd mention that they were bad at asking me how I was when I would always ask them how they were- so instead of it being about me needing to be asked how I was...it became about how they were bad at asking me how I was. And I'd end up spending my time trying to help them be better at that.

Ridiculous, I know. They took it real far too- they'd write "All talk no walk" on their arm each day- which I was really uncomfortable with. And yet despite all these efforts, nothing changed. I got frustrated and sometimes I would snap and rant at them about how they were inconsiderate and a bad friend. Not only was I dealing with my crap alone, but I was also dealing with their crap. Not to mention that I'd spent most of the previous year literally sacrificing my sleep, my sanity and my physical health to make sure they were okay as they were going through a bad breakup.

Regardless, at this time I was at wit's end and I'd become a ball of hate and anger, I was frustrated at the situation daily and would snap extremely easily. I regret this time immensely and I did everything I possibly could to make up for it. Except it wasn't enough and a couple of days after my birthday I lost my friends. I...don't blame them for that, just they completely ghosted me, never said goodbye. Its stormed with me every single day and I still miss them immensely.

The worst part is, is that I think they all think I'm a psychological manipulator. One of them called me a gaslighter and a manipulator and led me on this little goose chase saying that if I learnt my lesson I could be friends again potentially. I think they've talked about me behind my back and all the circles that I used to be in now feel awkward and cold. My reputation is completely messed up in those circles, where I used to be considered one of the nicest and best guys around. The fact that people think so badly of me hurts me the most, especially since despite what they've done to me I still love and miss them so much. I don't know how to move on from that.

In the time I've had since they've left I've recovered extremely well. The first few months were the hardest and I spent the entire time blaming myself- ignoring what they'd do to me (They'd ignore me for days at a time, compared me to my father's...temper...would often call me pathetic. They'd lied to me multiple times and had broken every single promise they'd ever made- in fact 2 weeks before they left they'd promised they wouldn't leave the way they did). I've made a tonne of new friends, have been focusing on my studies and have won some scholarships and had some amazing experiences. 

Life should be good except I'm still extremely bogged down. My mind is completely stormed from everything I've experienced during my life. I need a psychologist or something but I can't until I'm on my own- my parents would not allow it...long story. I'm extremely paranoid in all my relationships, have a really hard time trusting people and every night I just can't stop thinking about the past and it usually ends up with me falling asleep at 2am with a blocked nose and sore throat from all the crying. During the day its worse since whenever I'm alone my brain just wanders over to those things and I end up staring at walls or youtube blankly. All this is affecting my studies immensely and I'm falling behind on my work real badly. I really want to get into a good uni and potentially do a law/psych degree and then a doctorate in psychology postgrad. I want to be a psych researcher in the field of abuse...its something I'm really passionate about.

Furthermore, I've been having a lot of health issues lately. I'm constantly sick and have been developing nerve problems (Involuntary spasms, nerve damage etc). Last night I couldn't sleep because my entire right arm was on fire and it felt like the bones in my arm were going to jump right out of the skin. According to mum there's probably something wrong with my nervous system since it doesn't sound like something like carpal tunnel and I'm currently pumped full of painkillers. If anything happens to my right arm I'm probably just going to commit suicide honestly, I've lost enough and losing something like an arm would just be too much. Although also honestly I've told myself I'm going to commit suicide if (x) happens in the past and never had the guts to do it, just ended up bouncing back somehow. Just with this, the thought of being unable to do so many things, especially art which literally is keeping me alive...is unbearable. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or help, just needed to vent somewhere and get all these factors influencing my mental issues out somewhere concretely. Its been proven to me a million times that the only person I can truly rely on is myself, and honestly, its helped me become a lot stronger as a person. Out of all this crap the best thing that's happened is that I actually have respect and care for myself, I used to hate myself and consider myself subhuman compared to everyone else but after all this I genuinely have learnt to love myself. Only bit of light in this darkness hey.

Whew, this took a while to get out- tl;dr lots of things have lead me to having bad mental and physical health issues and I'm struggling with them but I'm probably going to be okay.

EDIT: I also don't understand how my friends could give up on me like that, surely they could tell I wasn't myself right? I don't know how I could go from being a "stick willing to burn itself to warm others" and a "big cuddly teddy bear" to being someone who's "going to die alone and hated" and a "toxic gaslighting manipulator". I'm so shellshocked by how much crap has happened between us and I wish I could turn back time but I can't.

Edited April 21, 2019 by Darkness Ascendant

[AonEne he/him]

On 4/19/2019 at 6:50 AM, Shallan&Pattern said:

All she knows is that Syl and Pattern are both spren. So she ships them together. She shipped Syl and Pattern together. Honor Spren and Lie Spren. I mean, come on. It makes zero sense. I told her that their species kinda hate eachothers guts. She still goes around saying Syltern.

I've heard that ship before...

16 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

*shortened for space*

*hugs you* First off, it can be hard to have friends like that, especially if you still love them. However, it's for the best that you aren't friends with them. People who would do what you said don't deserve you. I hope your current friends are better, and the Shard is full of great people if you're on the lookout for more.

Please don't commit suicide. Maybe that means nothing from some girl online; you don't know me and have no reason to take my advice. But suicide is the wrong thing to do. Humans are resourceful; we always find a way, so even if something happens to you, you'll figure something out. You're clearly a smart guy, from the posts I've seen of yours around the forums, and I have no doubt that you can get those degrees. Don't sacrifice all that because of the pain from your past when it's just that - the past. I, for one, would miss you.

I wish you the best of luck in moving out and finding a therapist. They do help. And you probably already have, but maybe try looking up your symptoms? Have you gone to a doctor? If you're not able, like with the therapist thing, I believe there are online doctors or numbers you can call who'll attempt to assist you and stuff.

*hugs you again for good measure*

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

 

 

 

1 minute ago, AonEne said:

 

Okay well thing is they could say the same no? I did treat them just as badly if not more than how they treated me.  

That's really sweet, I'm honoured that you think that. As I said, I'll be fine- just getting the thoughts out themselves is therapeutic on its own.

Yeah, I'm going to try and see if my year advisor at school can get me in touch with someone, do it behind my parents back  

[AonEne he/him]

13 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

...just getting the thoughts out themselves is therapeutic on its own.

I get that.

But you kept trying to make amends, while they didn't and in fact purposely attacked you - at least, that's the impression I got.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

7 minutes ago, AonEne said:

I get that.

But you kept trying to make amends, while they didn't and in fact purposely attacked you - at least, that's the impression I got.

The main one was going through a lot of stuff too and wasn't being themselves either. They're also the one I miss the most. I understand where they come from and sure yeah they kept hurting me but I don't blame them for that either. I was pretty messed up and well they aren't better than me. I accept my failings and I've become a better person subsequently. They haven't accepted theirs and are probably still miserable due to the way they are. I'm no longer miserable because of who I am, only because of my circumstances. I consider that a victory and I'm happy at leaving it at that. 

I have dreams about helping them sometimes but I don't think they'd ever accept me. I don't care about who deserves what because as far as I know nobody deserves anything, I care about doing the right thing. I've made mistakes and so have they but I'm still really really glad I could help them when I could. Sometimes I do wish I never helped them through their breakup for example (During the toxicness they accused me of being jealous of the other guy where before they'd simply been sweet and grateful). I know I'd do it again if the situation came up again, its just the right thing to do and I don't know what I'd do with myself if I knew I could have helped them and didn't. 

That turned a little rambly sorry  

[AonEne he/him]

Trust me, I'm not one to judge about rambling.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

1 minute ago, AonEne said:

Trust me, I'm not one to judge about rambling.

One of our many flaws  

[AonEne he/him]

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Thank you

 

[AonEne he/him]

Anytime. Feel free to PM me as well. It makes me sad whenever someone I know (though I admittedly don't know you that well) is having problems. I like trying to help.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

1 minute ago, AonEne said:

Anytime. Feel free to PM me as well. It makes me sad whenever someone I know (though I admittedly don't know you that well) is having problems. I like trying to help.

Appreciate it You're sweet, don't happen to be on the shard discord? I don't really use this place that much alas.

[AonEne he/him]

I'm sweet?

Teeeeeechnically yes, but really no. I still need to figure out Discord. Sometime soon.

Are you up really late like me, or over in Australia or New Zealand?

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

 

 

 

1 hour ago, AonEne said:

I'm sweet?

 

 

 

1 hour ago, AonEne said:

It makes me sad whenever someone I know (though I admittedly don't know you that well) is having problems. I like trying to help

Your words not mine

1 hour ago, AonEne said:

Teeeeeechnically yes, but really no. I still need to figure out Discord. Sometime soon.

Are you up really late like me, or over in Australia or New Zealand?

Fair enough, I'm here if you have questions/need help. 

I'm in Australia

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Update (Won't let me edit the above): Got a bunch of painkillers yay

[AonEne he/him]

14 hours ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

Update (Won't let me edit the above): Got a bunch of painkillers yay

Yay!

[Just a Lifetime he/him]

23 hours ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

just getting the thoughts out themselves is therapeutic on its own.

Yeah, that's one of the selling points for 750words.com.  Although I pay for that site, I think it's over-priced---free alternatives include writehoney.com and 3pages.fr.

[Truthweaver she/her]

Last Thursday Ontario Library Services got its budget cut by 50%...because of this they've decided to end their interlibrary loan service which let libraries from all over Ontario share materials with each other. This service was extremely important for libraries, especially rural ones with limited collections, and as someone who works in a small public library I honestly don't know what we'll do without it. We used interlibrary loans for book clubs, helping students with research, getting rare materials, etc. It was vital.

If any Canadian sharders out there would be willing to sign this petition here and possibly consider sharing it, that would be awesome. Thank you

[AonEne he/him]

Can non-Canadians help in any way? That sounds awful, but I'm in the USA.

[+Doomstick he/him]

Just now, AonEne said:

Can non-Canadians help in any way? That sounds awful, but I'm in the USA.

Yes, how can I help?

[Truthweaver she/her]

@AonEne @AonDii I think the best thing would be to raise awareness through social media. The more people who know how this affects libraries, the better chance we have of getting the cuts reversed!

[AonEne he/him]

Well, I know at least one Canadian on here. @Archer I SUMMON THEE TO DEFEND A LIBRARY!

[Archer he/him]

Libraries unable to fully serve their community? I think I can do something about that.

...

*some time later* Okay, so redesigning the province's logo didn't help. But I've got a really good feeling about a license plate rebrand...

I jest. Of course I'll sign that petition. I love my local library to bits, but it's a wee little thing. I can picture quite vividly the detrimental effect this change will have on its ability to operate. On the bright side, every librarian I've ever known has been knowledgeable, articulate, and dang good at working miracles. In a showdown, I'd bet on them any day over that guy who's basically the opposite of those traits. He doesn't stand a chance. 

[+Doomstick he/him]

Wait, Alcatraz would call this good news...

[Truthweaver she/her]

@Archer Thanks for your support! It means a lot to library staff when our patrons advocate for us. I have a feeling we'll get interlibrary loans back in some way, shape, or form...but probably not as extensively as we had previously. What really bothers me is that they didn't even consult libraries before slashing the budget of our services organization. And to add insult to injury, one of the ministers called them "arms-length agencies that don't have an impact on the day-to-day operations of libraries." Well, our book clubs are pretty much dead now, but thanks anyway for that reassuring statement.

On the other hand we get a new province slogan and new license plates! Woohoo...