Still Having a Bad Day? Exchange Your Rants For Hugs Here!

[Silverblade5 he/him]

That does sound like a panic attack. And, speaking from my own experience, they suck, so my condolences.

What subject is it?

Edit:

I'm just adding this to get it off my chest—I really, really, really wish everyone in the US would stop politicizing every single gun-related tragedy that happens here. Before the official body count for the Umpqua shooting was even released, Democrats were calling for stricter gun control, Republicans were calling for armed campus guards, and pastors were talking about how it's a "heart issue" (though that didn't stop them from calling for armed guards or gun control, depending on their political leanings. I stopped following a blogger I had begun to like because he used the shooting as an excuse to soapbox).

Seriously, guys. People died. Can you let us grieve for ten seconds before pushing your agenda?

And to think I go to one of the schools that started it all..

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

And to think I go to one of the schools that started it all..

 

Which school? I went to Frontier Middle School in Washington state, which was (IIRC) where one of the first school shootings in the US took place. Not the best legacy.  

[Silverblade5 he/him]

Which school? I went to Frontier Middle School in Washington state, which was (IIRC) where one of the first school shootings in the US took place. Not the best legacy.

Columbine

[Briar King]

Columbine

That happened my senior year. I remember that day clearly.

[Aonar he/him]

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church? It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going.

[ThirdGen]

Spoilered for teh politix.

I'm just adding this to get it off my chest—I really, really, really wish everyone in the US would stop politicizing every single gun-related tragedy that happens here. Before the official body count for the Umpqua shooting was even released, Democrats were calling for stricter gun control, Republicans were calling for armed campus guards, and pastors were talking about how it's a "heart issue" (though that didn't stop them from calling for armed guards or gun control, depending on their political leanings. I stopped following a blogger I had begun to like because he used the shooting as an excuse to soapbox). 

 

Seriously, guys. People died. Can you let us grieve for ten seconds before pushing your agenda?

 

Spoilered for same.

There's very little that isn't political in some way, certainly when it affects the lives of schoolkids, their relatives, teachers, gun owners, and more generally the socially disconnected and disoriented people at risk of even approaching the idea of doing this.

 

We know the script they're gonna follow, the Democrats, the Republicans, the news, half the people you know on social media...

 

But a call to not discuss the issue is a troubling political agenda in itself.  Some things are a matter of private grief.  But some things are deeply connected to the lives of many many others, so they are public, even if they happen to private citizens who didn't expect to be thrust onto some kind of stage or have major traumatic aspects of their lives tossed around as soundbites, or worse, laughed off.

 

Not rushing to judgment would be one thing if somebody in power was at least working on solving this problem (by which I mean stopping massacres).  This is an issue that none of the self-appointed spokesmen have a plan to end.  So instead, the politicians use it as an opportunity for self-promotion, since gridlock (on the issues the public pay attention to, at least) makes everyone look like they're doing something.

 

There are ways to solve this, but they require a radical or reformist agenda having lots of power.

 

The status quo benefits greatly from people being fearful of one another and being distracted by personal-scale tragedy.  Try not to dismiss it, but to rather see around it.  There have been many horrendous social problems throughout history, but for the most part they can be solved.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church? It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going.

 

I feel you. My situation isn't the same as yours, but I have spent the past year realizing that my beliefs don't line up with my parents' much at all anymore, and wondering how to tell them, and how to deal with the fallout from that. 

 

I don't know how to tell your mom, but so far as the problems you're having due to these questions you're asking, I can say that what will help you is to figure out what you do believe. Look at the beliefs your mom and those in her church share, and place them in the context of Christianity as a whole. If you can name precisely what you disagree with, that will help put a face to what's sapping your peace. Outline exactly what you no longer believe, what you're struggling with, and what you do believe. Seek out alternate viewpoints. Google some of those concepts you don't agree with, and read all sides to help you sharpen your own views. 

 

Once you've landed on a set of beliefs that are truly yours, back them up. Find evidence for your views. No one can ever really prove their religious views are correct, but we can provide evidence for them, which definitely helps us. And don't stop searching. Theology isn't static; it should continually evolve as we learn more. Maybe you build on previous views; maybe you take on new views entirely. The point is that you keep learning. Ask questions that make others uncomfortable, and if you have to find the answers on your own, take to Google. Do what you have to do to get to a place you can live with. 

 

Now, this won't solve the problem of telling your mom about your change in faith. But I've been in that place, where I felt like I completely disagreed with everything I had grown up with and I had to tell someone, and I can say that deciding what I did believe was enormously helpful. I still don't know how I'll tell my parents that I've embraced some beliefs they disapprove of—or if I ever will—but I do know that I have more peace about my faith. 

 

Edit: 

 

What bothers me about the gun thing isn't just that they're using a tragedy to push their views. Politicians are good at that. It's not even that it happens so quickly—though that definitely bothers me; they could at least wait a few hours before pushing for gun control/more guns/different kinds of guns—but that they all jump to demonizing the other side. 

 

Again, it's not just politicians that do this. I expect that of them now. It's the pastors and laypeople who do it that bothers me most. One blogger, on the day after the Umpqua shooting, posted about how "gun lovers don't get to grieve another massacre with me." I get that he's grieving. I get that he's upset, and I get that he's against guns. But he jumped right to laying the blame at their feet, claiming they didn't deserve to grieve with him, insinuating that they are willfully blinding themselves to the truth. 

 

Look, I get that he's only human. I get that he has his own biases. But it feels like he and others like him aren't doing anything to solve the problem at hand. On the other side of the aisle, conservative pastors were calling for armed guards and a greater focus on Christian morality, demonizing people who wanted gun control, calling them idiots. 

 

It's just….argh. I know this doesn't have an easy solution, but I wish people could work together toward one. I wish grief spurred them toward cooperation and not mudslinging. It's not solving anything.

Edited October 12, 2015 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Aonar he/him]

I feel you. My situation isn't the same as yours, but I have spent the past year realizing that my beliefs don't line up with my parents' much at all anymore, and wondering how to tell them, and how to deal with the fallout from that. 

 

I don't know how to tell your mom, but so far as the problems you're having due to these questions you're asking, I can say that what will help you is to figure out what you do believe. Look at the beliefs your mom and those in her church share, and place them in the context of Christianity as a whole. If you can name precisely what you disagree with, that will help put a face to what's sapping your peace. Outline exactly what you no longer believe, what you're struggling with, and what you do believe. Seek out alternate viewpoints. Google some of those concepts you don't agree with, and read all sides to help you sharpen your own views. 

 

Once you've landed on a set of beliefs that are truly yours, back them up. Find evidence for your views. No one can ever really prove their religious views are correct, but we can provide evidence for them, which definitely helps us. And don't stop searching. Theology isn't static; it should continually evolve as we learn more. Maybe you build on previous views; maybe you take on new views entirely. The point is that you keep learning. Ask questions that make others uncomfortable, and if you have to find the answers on your own, take to Google. Do what you have to do to get to a place you can live with. 

 

Now, this won't solve the problem of telling your mom about your change in faith. But I've been in that place, where I felt like I completely disagreed with everything I had grown up with and I had to tell someone, and I can say that deciding what I did believe was enormously helpful. I still don't know how I'll tell my parents that I've embraced some beliefs they disapprove of—or if I ever will—but I do know that I have more peace about my faith.

 

Thanks. I'll definitely look in to that. I've kind of tried to avoid pinning down exactly what my beliefs are, and where they diverge from what I was taught, just because I thought it might be easier to deal with things I disagreed with if they were a little fuzzy. I think I'll give it a try, though. My current approach definitely doesn't seem to be working.

 

It's really just nice though to get some of that off my chest (on an internet forum where maybe all of two people know my real name, but hey, it's a step in the right direction) and not be immediately dismissed as being idiotic. (I know just from being on these forums that you're all great people who would do something like that, but my irrational anxieties are irrational for a reason. )

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Thanks. I'll definitely look in to that. I've kind of tried to avoid pinning down exactly what my beliefs are, and where they diverge from what I was taught, just because I thought it might be easier to deal with things I disagreed with if they were a little fuzzy. I think I'll give it a try, though. My current approach definitely doesn't seem to be working.

 

It's really just nice though to get some of that off my chest (on an internet forum where maybe all of two people know my real name, but hey, it's a step in the right direction) and not be immediately dismissed as being idiotic. (I know just from being on these forums that you're all great people who would do something like that, but my irrational anxieties are irrational for a reason. )

 

I tried that for a while, and I can say that deciding exactly what I agreed and disagreed with was far more helpful to me. To be clear, I'm a Christian like my parents, but I disagree with their interpretations of Scripture in quite a few key and not-so-key ways. Being able to point to a specific doctrine and say "I don't believe this and here are the verses I use to back up that view" has helped me feel more settled. (And again, being able to name the doctrine or interpretation I disagree with is extremely helpful, if only because it's helped me with Google searches. ) I still don't know everything I believe—and I probably never will. Faith, no matter your belief system, is multifaceted and mysterious, and it takes a lifetime to even scratch the surface. But pinning down a few key beliefs will help. One day at work, in a fit of frustration, I decided to try and boil down what I believed to three core statements. I know I'll wind up revising them later—and often—but it really helped me find a direction for all my future searching. 

 

And don't think for a second that this is idiotic or trivial. Faith is an extremely important and personal decision, and searching for answers can be scary and frustrating. We're always here to listen if you need to vent.  

[Mistrunner]

Long rant; I sure hope nobody can be offended by this.

In the wake of the recent shootings by police officers that took over the media, I've just been sickened by the backlash against the police. You know what, there probably are some racist police officers. But you also know what? That most definitely isn't a reason to want to have them all dead. My uncle is an officer. He looks a little intimidating, but he's a big ol softy once you get to know him. Two of his friends were killed by an anti-police radical. They had kids. They had spouses. They had people waiting in vain for them to come home, to hug their kids and tell them they loved them. They were good people who wanted to keep their community safe. That's why they joined the Force.

But now it's become socially acceptable to hate police. Honestly, I hate that. I hate that my aunt is scared whenever he walks out the door to start a shift, wondering if someone will try to hurt him and consider himself a hero. I hate that my cousins have to deal with ignorant people thinking their dad is a horrible person. I want to go out and hug every last one of these amazing, brave men and women. I want to be able to protect them from people who hate them.

I can't, though. They're too busy protecting me.

[nicocoberru she/her]

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church? It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going.

I'm sorry. I can't offer you any advice considering I'm going through roughly the same thing (good luck explaining to my religious parents what agnostism means), but I do know that it sucks so bad and I hope you find a way to solve it without falling out with your mother.

Religion, faith, and belief is a personal thing, it can never be forced on anyone.

[Haelbarde he/him]

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church? It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going.

Like Twi, I'm not sure how you'd tell someone that (holding to a faith myself, it feels wierd to attempt advise someone on losing theirs..., but anyway). But also like Twi, I do think that working out precisely what you believe, and the reasons for those beliefs is a good thing. It'll do a few things. It may help you regain your faith if by thinking about things and doing some research, you find good reason for the things you may have believed before. But even if it does not, when talking to your mother, you'll be able to say more than 'I just don't feel it anymore'.

 

It goes without saying, I think, that it would be important to respect her beliefs still. Now, I do not know what your situation is, what your thoughts have been, what your mother is like, or your relationship with her, but if you told her that you were uncertain of your faith, would she likely be willing to help you work things out?

 

(BTW, is she/you a particular 'brand' of Christian?)

 

I'm not sure, sorry. Here were some thoughts, but I do not know if they'll be helpful at all. But if you wanted to chat about this sorta thing, I'd be happy to talk in a PM. 

[Mashadar Mistborn he/him]

Long rant; I sure hope nobody can be offended by this.

In the wake of the recent shootings by police officers that took over the media, I've just been sickened by the backlash against the police. You know what, there probably are some racist police officers. But you also know what? That most definitely isn't a reason to want to have them all dead. My uncle is an officer. He looks a little intimidating, but he's a big ol softy once you get to know him. Two of his friends were killed by an anti-police radical. They had kids. They had spouses. They had people waiting in vain for them to come home, to hug their kids and tell them they loved them. They were good people who wanted to keep their community safe. That's why they joined the Force.

But now it's become socially acceptable to hate police. Honestly, I hate that. I hate that my aunt is scared whenever he walks out the door to start a shift, wondering if someone will try to hurt him and consider himself a hero. I hate that my cousins have to deal with ignorant people thinking their dad is a horrible person. I want to go out and hug every last one of these amazing, brave men and women. I want to be able to protect them from people who hate them.

I can't, though. They're too busy protecting me.

I agree, my friend's father is a police officer, and I'm sure that she has experienced much of the same negative emotion towards officers. I hate that we have started demonizing a whole group for the actions of a tiny minority. Yes, there are racist police officers, but there are racists in pretty much every other career too. Sorry for the rant, but I am just tired of all the demonizing we do in the states sometimes. Edited October 12, 2015 by Mashadar Mistborn

[Silverblade5 he/him]

That happened my senior year. I remember that day clearly.

And you know what makes it really bad and scary?

Eric Harris shot indiscriminately. Most school shootings involve specific targets. Not this one. He just shot the first person he saw and kept shooting.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Long rant; I sure hope nobody can be offended by this.

In the wake of the recent shootings by police officers that took over the media, I've just been sickened by the backlash against the police. You know what, there probably are some racist police officers. But you also know what? That most definitely isn't a reason to want to have them all dead. My uncle is an officer. He looks a little intimidating, but he's a big ol softy once you get to know him. Two of his friends were killed by an anti-police radical. They had kids. They had spouses. They had people waiting in vain for them to come home, to hug their kids and tell them they loved them. They were good people who wanted to keep their community safe. That's why they joined the Force.

But now it's become socially acceptable to hate police. Honestly, I hate that. I hate that my aunt is scared whenever he walks out the door to start a shift, wondering if someone will try to hurt him and consider himself a hero. I hate that my cousins have to deal with ignorant people thinking their dad is a horrible person. I want to go out and hug every last one of these amazing, brave men and women. I want to be able to protect them from people who hate them.

I can't, though. They're too busy protecting me.

Thirded. I won't argue that there are racist cops out there, or that things need to change in regards to them or how some aspects of police work are handled in general. But the fast food workers who refuse to serve cops, or who write "Black lives matter" on their morning coffee aren't pushing for change. They might think they are, but all they're doing is ruining the day of ONE person who may or may not be guilty of what they're tacitly accused of. It's not activism, in my opinion. It's just rude.

[Blaze1616 he/him]

 

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church?   It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going. 

 

The first thing you need to do is what Twi has suggested. Figure out why you're losing your faith. Next, you need to truly understand that it is okay to lose your faith. It is okay to not believe in a religion period. Not having faith does not make you a lesser person.

 

Once you've done that, it's a simple matter of being true to yourself. That's of course a lot easier said than done, but in the end if you do not believe in the sect of Christianity that your mother practices, then you should not be forced into practicing it. Perhaps you find yourself agreeing with a different sect. Perhaps you find yourself believing in a completely different religion. Perhaps you find yourself an agnostic or an atheist. Regardless, if your conclusions are that you do not believe in the sect you're currently practicing, then you have the right to stop.

 

In regards to telling your mother, the best thing to do is probably to just lay it out for her. Be upfront about it. If she pays attention, she'll eventually notice the change in your attitude and mannerism on her own, so you might as well save her the long drawn out pain and just tell her. In the end, you'll likely feel better getting to be the real you, to the point that no matter the change in your relationship with your mother, it'll likely be worth it. 

 

Another thing to realize is that she's your mother. She loves you. Considering she had children with a man who wasn't very religious, you not being religious won't be the end to that love. There might be a rough patch where she comes to terms with the change, but she'll come around.

 

Good luck, and if you need someone to listen, just shoot me a PM. As a Christian turned atheist, I understand some of what you're going through.

 

 

Long rant; I sure hope nobody can be offended by this.

In the wake of the recent shootings by police officers that took over the media, I've just been sickened by the backlash against the police. You know what, there probably are some racist police officers. But you also know what? That most definitely isn't a reason to want to have them all dead. My uncle is an officer. He looks a little intimidating, but he's a big ol softy once you get to know him. Two of his friends were killed by an anti-police radical. They had kids. They had spouses. They had people waiting in vain for them to come home, to hug their kids and tell them they loved them. They were good people who wanted to keep their community safe. That's why they joined the Force.
But now it's become socially acceptable to hate police. Honestly, I hate that. I hate that my aunt is scared whenever he walks out the door to start a shift, wondering if someone will try to hurt him and consider himself a hero. I hate that my cousins have to deal with ignorant people thinking their dad is a horrible person. I want to go out and hug every last one of these amazing, brave men and women. I want to be able to protect them from people who hate them.
I can't, though. They're too busy protecting me.

 

Why do you feel it's socially acceptable to hate police? Even given the recent events of the past year, I don't think that it's acceptable to hate police. I think it's acceptable to hate racists, and I know some have taken the protests of the past year to an extreme, but I definitely don't think it's socially acceptable to hate the police, any more than it was back in the 70s and 80s.

 

If your opinion on this is being informed by the news, you might find comfort in the fact that violence against police has actually gone down in the past year, and that it's only the news that purports the violence against police has gone up. I'd like to take the usually traveled trail for issues like this and blame Fox News, since they're the ones who began the "war on police" nonsense, but it's unfortunately not just them. In the end, talking about a "war on police" is beneficial in terms of ratings, and our news programs, including paper and e-formats, are all about ratings.

 

Unfortunately, we don't seem to learn from past mistakes. The September 11th attacks resulted in a large percentage of our populace thinking that the beliefs of the radical terrorists were the beliefs of all Muslims. Let's not repeat that same mistake here, even on a much smaller scale. If anything this "social acceptance" is more an issue of misinformation taken to the extreme.

Edited October 12, 2015 by Blaze1616

[Voidus]

Long rant; I sure hope nobody can be offended by this.

In the wake of the recent shootings by police officers that took over the media, I've just been sickened by the backlash against the police. You know what, there probably are some racist police officers. But you also know what? That most definitely isn't a reason to want to have them all dead. My uncle is an officer. He looks a little intimidating, but he's a big ol softy once you get to know him. Two of his friends were killed by an anti-police radical. They had kids. They had spouses. They had people waiting in vain for them to come home, to hug their kids and tell them they loved them. They were good people who wanted to keep their community safe. That's why they joined the Force.

But now it's become socially acceptable to hate police. Honestly, I hate that. I hate that my aunt is scared whenever he walks out the door to start a shift, wondering if someone will try to hurt him and consider himself a hero. I hate that my cousins have to deal with ignorant people thinking their dad is a horrible person. I want to go out and hug every last one of these amazing, brave men and women. I want to be able to protect them from people who hate them.

I can't, though. They're too busy protecting me.

Not from the US so we don't have quite the same reaction to the police here in Australia although I'm definitely sure there are plenty of racist officers most are just people doing their job as best they know.

So from the perspective of someone who hears a lot about the problems with police in the US but isn't personally affected here's my two cents on the matter:

Firstly, any kind of violent retaliation against officers is just the most extremely stupid response imaginable. The correct response to discovering that officers might be using unnecessary violence or discriminating is not to discriminate against all police officers in a violent manner. The correct way to try to handle it would be to raise the issues in a non-confrontational manner, raise questions about what causes those issues and try to minimize them, from what I've heard in some of the worst cases all that happens from violent retaliation is that the whole situation escalates, it forces police to adopt an 'us vs. them' mentality and escalate their own response which in turn just results in everyone having a horrible time.

I think both sides just need to calm down, protesters need to put down the bricks they're hurling at patrol cars and cops need to put away the military-grade weapons, tanks and swat teams for a moment. And then as my father always says they should just 'eat all of their vegetables, be good to their mothers and hug it out'.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

[ThirdGen]

Thirded. I won't argue that there are racist cops out there, or that things need to change in regards to them or how some aspects of police work are handled in general. But the fast food workers who refuse to serve cops, or who write "Black lives matter" on their morning coffee aren't pushing for change. They might think they are, but all they're doing is ruining the day of ONE person who may or may not be guilty of what they're tacitly accused of. It's not activism, in my opinion. It's just rude.

 

One group's inconvenience and offense is far less important than a much larger group's well-founded fear that they could get murdered at any time.  That's really the point of it.

 

And the cowardice of the companies who then issue public apologies shows where they stand.

 

Hating police?  Bad thing.  Not trusting police?  Totally understandable.  In my opinion, it's a healthy thing for society to scrutinize and restrict the police's autonomy.  Left to their own devices, they become corrupt and desirous of a total surveillance state.  From their perspective, you have nothing to fear if you're not The Bad Guy.  Their job is to prevent crime and deliver wins to the courts.  Through this lens, it's a very "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" situation.

 

Police in the US can, at any point, search your house or car, seize money or expensive things you have on you and resell them, and harass and detain you with a cause subjectively determined by them.  If you're in a dangerous area or fit the wrong profile, they can sometimes kill you with a "Whoops, we thought we were in danger" after the fact.  Police deaths are at a low and deaths by police are at a high.  These are objective, well-documented facts.

 

If you don't know the cop, if you're not a friend, they expect you to be completely deferential.  I've had cops come poke around what I was doing just because I looked at them while having an angry expression.  The emotional effect of this is that the people they meet will justifiably have the impression that police regard everyone else as the enemy.

 

And I'm a non-poor white dude.  Swap out any of those terms for something else and I'd have a far worse time.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

One group's inconvenience and offense is far less important than a much larger group's well-founded fear that they could get murdered at any time. That's really the point of it.

And the cowardice of the companies who then issue public apologies shows where they stand.

Hating police? Bad thing. Not trusting police? Totally understandable. In my opinion, it's a healthy thing for society to scrutinize and restrict the police's autonomy. Left to their own devices, they become corrupt and desirous of a total surveillance state. From their perspective, you have nothing to fear if you're not The Bad Guy. Their job is to prevent crime and deliver wins to the courts. Through this lens, it's a very "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" situation.

Police in the US can, at any point, search your house or car, seize money or expensive things you have on you and resell them, and harass and detain you with a cause subjectively determined by them. If you're in a dangerous area or fit the wrong profile, they can sometimes kill you with a "Whoops, we thought we were in danger" after the fact. Police deaths are at a low and deaths by police are at a high. These are objective, well-documented facts.

If you don't know the cop, if you're not a friend, they expect you to be completely deferential. I've had cops come poke around what I was doing just because I looked at them while having an angry expression. The emotional effect of this is that the people they meet will justifiably have the impression that police regard everyone else as the enemy.

And I'm a non-poor white dude. Swap out any of those terms for something else and I'd have a far worse time.

Sure, but refusing to serve an officer is so impersonal, and it doesn't address the perpetrators directly. The person refusing has no way of knowing what the person wearing the uniform is like. For all they know, that officer is extremely vocal about departmental reform and might even admonish fellow officers for racist remarks. The person refusing service might be refusing service to a villain, or to a hero. They can't know for sure. I don't find the idea of addressing racism within police departments troubling at all. What I find troubling is when people conflate a uniform with racism, without evaluating the individual wearing the uniform.

[ThirdGen]

Sure, but refusing to serve an officer is so impersonal, and it doesn't address the perpetrators directly. The person refusing has no way of knowing what the person wearing the uniform is like. For all they know, that officer is extremely vocal about departmental reform and might even admonish fellow officers for racist remarks. The person refusing service might be refusing service to a villain, or to a hero. They can't know for sure. I don't find the idea of addressing racism within police departments troubling at all. What I find troubling is when people conflate a uniform with racism, without evaluating the individual wearing the uniform.

 

We, the public, individually, have no power over the police.  People rightly conflate the uniform with danger.  Channeling that idea into "racism" is a safe outlet for the system overall.

 

If a cop gets a cup of coffee with #BlackLivesMatter on it, one possible response is certainly "I see where they're coming from."  This may have even happened all over the place.  It's the barest of feedback, and by punishing it the real message is that they will not tolerate criticism.  The police can't purge the problem from within their own ranks.  Only extensive civilian oversight can do that.

[luckat she/her]

Not exactly a rant, but does anyone know how to let my mother (who is devoutly Christian, somewhat overbearing, and has relatively recently spent several years struggling with clinical depression*) know that I've been losing faith, and no longer have a real interest in attending church? It's not that I have anything against the church, or religion in general, but for the last year I've found that I have increasingly less conviction and belief in what I hear and say. (I'm not going to get in to that though, because that's not what this is about.)

 

I really don't want to hurt her, or my relationship with her (which is why I've avoided saying anything for this long) but keeping up appearances is starting to take it's toll. I'm constantly stressed out whenever she, or anyone from church is around. I'm tired of lying to friends and family, people that I love an respect. Even at school, where I might not interact with anyone from church, I've been having noticing problems. I can't focus; even things that are generally enjoyable (music, sports, etc.) I have trouble getting the will to do. I know though, that the moment I broach the subject, there's going to be a blow-up, or worse. I really have no idea what to do; I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also need something to change. I get that this is kind of silly, and you all probably have way better things to be thinking about, but could anybody help a little bit? Please?

 

*For a little context, consider the fact that my father has never expressed any interest in religion, both my older siblings also fell away from the church in their mid-teens, and that her last major depressive episode coincided roughly with when my brother decided to stop going.

Like Twi and Hael, I’m coming at this from a religious perspective. I’ve had questions and still have questions, but I don’t know how much help I will be if you completely lose your faith. I agree with what Twi said about figuring out what you do believe. She gave great ideas for exploring faith. I’d also like to add that if you still have a belief in God, supplementing your studies with prayer will be helpful.

If you have something more concrete than, “I don’t really want to go to church anymore,” then it will be easier to know what you actually want to do (whether you want to cease church attendance completely, go but take things said there with a grain of salt, try going to a different church, or something else entirely) and what you should say to your mother. It sounds more like you don’t know what you believe than that you’re sure you don’t believe your mother’s church. You might want to stop going for any reason from no longer believing in God to not agreeing with the church’s interpretation of God to not liking the people at church. I don’t know what your particular doubts are right now, and what you believe will influence how you frame what you say to your mother. Stopping attending church would be a fairly large step because of your mother, so you should be sure that is the best option for yourself before you do it.

If you continue go to church without examining your own beliefs and without sharing your doubts, it will continue to wear you down. However, if you just leave when you don’t know what you believe, you aren’t likely to feel much better. You will feel good about finally getting your doubts out in the open, but you won’t be any closer to answering your questions and your mother will likely make you wonder if you made the right decision.

Be open to different possibilities. You don’t have to stop going to church if there are a few things you disagree with or you still have questions. You also don’t have to stay if you do agree with some things but not what you think is important. Perhaps continuing to go to church will give you the opportunity to explore what you believe and how it compares to what is taught there. On the other hand, maybe the time you spend at church would be put to better use studying on your own if you feel too stressed there and the questions you have aren’t adequately addressed. It could be good to look at things from a variety of viewpoints. Don’t be afraid to look at beliefs outside Christianity. Look at frameworks of both spirituality and morality and consider what you agree with and what you don’t. If you know exactly what you disagree with and what you agree with, you will know if there is something fundamental to the church that you can’t agree with or if your disagreements are peripheral or if a different religion is closer to what you believe.

I also think it would be good for you to find someone you know to talk to about your faith. It sounds like bottling up your doubts is a major source of your stress. Sharing it here seems to have helped, but a one on one, face to face conversation with someone who knows you well might help even more. If you can find someone who is willing to listen without trying to force you to believe what they want you to--a friend at school, maybe someone at church if they’re open minded, or even one of your older siblings who has been in a similar position if they are willing to talk--you will feel less like you have to keep up a facade everywhere and you will have support in whatever you decide.

It sounds like you wish you could have an open conversation about this with your mother. I’m sure she would be very happy to help you with your struggle of faith, and if you are open with her whatever you choose to do will not come as a surprise to her. If you think she would be a good person to talk to as you explore what you believe, that would be excellent. However, it is important for you to make decisions based on what you believe, not what she thinks you should believe. If mentioning questioning will only upset her, it might be best to talk to someone else while you figure out what you believe and only talk to your mother when you decide what to do.

Your concerns aren’t silly at all. It is clear that you care a lot about your mother. If you make sure she knows that and are open about your thoughts and decisions, it may ease some of her disappointment if you make decisions she disagrees with. Keep up your relationship with her independant of religion. Ultimately, you will need to decide what to do based on what you believe. Don’t stay with the church just because that is what your mother wants, but also don’t leave just because that is what your siblings did or because it is easier to avoid questions. Do what is best for you. Ask others for guidance and support, but come to your own conclusions. When you know what is best for you at the time, then you can figure out how to say what you need to say, and you will be confident you are making the right decision. Any decision you make can be revised in the future.

I hope this helps. I’m willing to talk things over with you if you want, and it looks like there’s plenty of others here who want to help you. I wish you the best in figuring everything out.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

We, the public, individually, have no power over the police. People rightly conflate the uniform with danger. Channeling that idea into "racism" is a safe outlet for the system overall.

If a cop gets a cup of coffee with #BlackLivesMatter on it, one possible response is certainly "I see where they're coming from." This may have even happened all over the place. It's the barest of feedback, and by punishing it the real message is that they will not tolerate criticism. The police can't purge the problem from within their own ranks. Only extensive civilian oversight can do that.

Possibly, but another response is "Wow, they think I'm a chull just because I wear this uniform." Police are very much aware of how the public associates their uniforms with danger. Some use this to bully others, and I'm not discounting that at all, but others just allow the association to make them paranoid and more likely to take a #Blacklivesmatter on their coffee cup as an insult. I'm neither excusing nor condemning this mindset. It's simply what happens.

Improving relations between cops and minorities is a two-way street, and it's going to start at the individual level. Reminding a cop that the fast food worker associates their uniform with blatant racism first thing in the morning isn't helping--especially if the cop was polite and courteous toward the person behind the counter. A police officer is more likely to take that as a slap in the face.

[Mashadar Mistborn he/him]

There isn't really much to do but hope, really. Personally I think that the majority of people who read thousand page epics for fun are going to be good intelligent people. Look at the teenage section of this community. We're normally categorized as immature, but you, Winter, Lark, Mail-mi, and some I've likely forgotten are good mature people. As a rule, the less kind section of society probably doesn't read Sandersonesque epics for fun. Hopefully the influx of new fans will just make this site even better.

[Kobold King he/him]

I'll say this about police--I don't know all of them, but the ones in my home town are completely useless. Crime runs rampant in my town. Gang violence is a thing. Drug smuggling is very much a thing. My father and I were shot at from the road by someone trying to rob from us.

 

Despite the fact that my town is a rural Texan version of Gotham City's underbelly, the police force does nothing. When a crime is reported they show up, file some paperwork, and then never continue the investigation. Crime runs rampant and unimpeded here, and through either apathy or genuine powerlessness, the police force does nothing.

 

Actually, that's not true. The police force does do one thing right--it oppresses the citizens. Take a drive through my town and you won't find cops investigating the latest robbery, or the guy who got stabbed to death with a long sword last month. You'll find them parked in discrete locations on the road, pulling people over and handing them exorbitant tickets if their car tags are expired. These tags, just for the record, don't indicate car safety. They are what we call a "compliance law"; they don't protect anyone, but you can get in a boatload of trouble for not having a completely up-to-date tag.

 

Speeding cars, by the way, have killed two of my cats in the time I've lived here, and the growing numbers of policemen monitoring traffic have done nothing to make the roads a safer place for either pets or people.

 

 

So the policemen in my town do nothing to reduce crime, and they benefit from seizing money on the side of the road from people who have never harmed another soul in their lives. These are not men who are "protecting and serving" me. I cannot count on them to come to my aid, but I can count on having an army of them outside my door the day I stop paying taxes for their upkeep.

 

The policemen of [REDACTED], Texas aren't warriors of justice, and while I won't go out of my way to spite them, I refuse to honor or verbally support them in the slightest. Because to my eyes, any policeman who spends more time handing out tickets over broken compliance laws than he does going after the superfluous gangsters in his neighborhood isn't a protector. He's just another bandit, gorging himself on money he stole from the men he ostensibly lives to serve.

 

 

Like I said, I can't speak for everywhere, and of course I speak of the police as an organization, not as individuals. The country has many thousands of good policemen who desire nothing but to better their communities.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't care about racism in the police force if they did their jobs without bias. What I care about is that the police department, like all other government offices in my town and countless others, extorts money at gunpoint to fulfill promises it flat-out can't keep.

 

Honestly, I'm surprised more people aren't getting outraged over that.