Mental health club!

[Throw TheLiving Silverware he/him/il/lui]

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

Spoiler

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

[Through the Living Hope]

2 minutes ago, Just A Silvereye said:

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

*huuuuug*

Also

Can I have your tired? I can’t sleep and I want to. Give me your tired

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

6 hours ago, Bird Furious said:

hmm

sounds like a classic case of unimportant syndrome

which I also have

.....

*sigh*

*hugs*

Someday we'll both find someone who will always put us first, and we can do the same for 

And we'll look back on all the people who hurt us without meaning to and we'll realize that we treasure our person so, so much more because of it 

but sometimes 'someday' feels so far away

It's gonna be okay 

*hugs again*

Ah, self reflection. 

I'm glad you're in a better place right now. *hugs* 

You're gonna keep growing and keep getting better and become someone you're proud of. 

I hope so

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

10 hours ago, Heřãłðøfľõvê said:

Heyyy guys ik i just got back but um i have a little bit of a rant

so i have two friends we can call them nix and Elle so basically they used to be dating and they aren’t anymore but they are still friends. Actually that’s irrelevant to my rant but basically i want to be someone’s first choice when someone’s feeling down or even if they just want to talk i want to be at least one persons person that they go to nix is my best friend and she is great but today I was trying to help her and said that she always goes to talk to Elle abt stuff but she can’t with the topic we were talking abt which honestly rly hurt bc she’s who I go to bc she’s my best friend but now even tho ik it’s probably my head it feels as though I’m just deadweight they drag behind them and occasionally talk to . Then the one person who I might bed first option will tell me something’s wrong but not tell me what which makes it rly hard to belp Him. 
idk I just feel useless like not bad enough to be on my own

but not good enough to have someone

*hugs*

I get it. I feel like an outsider in my friend group too. Even if you don’t feel recognized, you are important to them. And when they need someone the most, you’ll be there. Not many people can claim that.

9 hours ago, Hawks said:

I've had alot of thinking time lately. Time to just ponder existence in a school bus or car and question life. 

And so here is your weekly monolog by Hawks. (Should I make my monologes a blog)

Tw suicide, basically mental health issues

As I was moving my stuff I stumbled across my middle school journal. I did this for some time back when and it wasn't for very long but like any normal 13 year old I started like haha if someone finds this when im famous blah blah. And the thing is. I could see my mental health slowly crumble as I wrote. And the last page in the book is a Suicide note I wrote. There's a couple in there. I stopped because I felt words couldn't express my emotions enough. I felt that no one understood how I felt. Looking back now, I wish I could give myself a hug. I see the rust and the pain I went through. The sleepless nights I screamed myself to sleep. The days I felt alone and the panic attacks I kept hidden. How I would wake up and put on a mask to make people think I was OK. I wish I could tell myself to show my emotions and get help. Because I needed it. I see now that it built me. It made me who I am. I see my friends. Alot of people are just friends. But with the recent thing with sprout I told my therapist today about him. 

Hes been there through light and dark. Had he not walked up to the shy weird Minecraft kid in 7th grade I wouldn't be alive. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me. 

Another thing. Mother's day. Its always been a tough day in my house bc my brother would yell at my mom about everything and rhats how it would go. It was worse. This year my parents are broken up and my brother is a good dude now. Its gonna be strange. My present is a work on progress bc I have to animate and im still learning. 

 

Throught my pondering my thoughts drifted here. To the shard I call home. Yall are some of the best people god has ever made. I cant explain how much you mean to me. Snd I haven't been as active lately snd I've been busy. I miss the days where all I did was this. I've drifted away from the shard and started working on my life. Properly fixing myself and focusing on the priorities. I've noticed a change. I feel sadder bc I dont have you all eith me every day. But I am interacting more. Im seeing more. I wont leave the shard. But READ THIS PSRT if you want me to respond then tag me or quote me. I dont check the shard otherwise ok? 

And then I thought about roleplays. I signed up for alot like any sane rper. but I feel I've fallen behind in alot of them. Gsrp and htkad specifically. Idk what to do about thar and I'll reach out to the leaders eventually. 

Tonight I started another project (bc i don't have enough going already) and tbh it's a sad one. I had this friend. My first one in the new city. And we were inseparable. We hung out daily. Every weekend was a sleepover. And, when we went to Jr high we kept it up. (She is at the other school) Then slowly stopped. I haven't seen her in forever. Thinking about it feels painful. Sad. She wad the first person who I trusted, who cared about me. I saw an audio and then the memories came and I was like. We drawing this now. And we both changed so much. We grew in dofferent direction I fear. I want to get back together and talk again. To rwvist the old days. And to tell her how much she means. 

And in this time during the end I thought about one final thing. This guy. Lets name him jory (iykyk ). Jory is awesome right? Smart funny kind and empathetic. Anything a man could ask for. And jory freaking scares me. Hes one of my best friends ever. And he will randomly just disapesr then be back like oh mb I was in the er.   Ok then.  . The thing is we live in different states.  sad sad, but I sent him a message recently about feeling and he hasn't responded yet but I depreatly hope that it doesnt f up our friendship. 

Anyways the point of this whole brain barf is that we need to sometimes not ignore existence and run away in books. Yes books are good but it could pay off to look at your life and think of all the variables. 

*whistle* that's long. Tbh u dont blame you if you dont read it all I just needed to tell someone.

*hugsiessssssss*

I feel you on that. I get that sometimes. Like. Why cant I be the first choice. 

 

Ok don't think of it like that. Sometimes I don't go to people first because I dont wanna hurt them eith specific issues. Its not that your dead weight its that they dont wanna weigh you down with their issues. *hugs*

 *hugs tight*

Oh, Hawks

You’re right. We need to face life. We can’t run away forever. And I’m happy you’re finding away to do that.

It’s easy to dwell on the past. To miss the times that were better. But…

3 hours ago, Just A Silvereye said:

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

  Hide contents

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

We can never go back.

You didn’t kill that boy. Life did. And to shield himself from those challenges, to protect himself from all that pain, that boy created you. You are his champion.

That boy never survived the things you did. He never felt all that pain, and chose to live. So yeah, maybe that boy was so much happier. And maybe that is something worth mourning.

But you are infinitely stronger.

 

10 hours ago, Spark of Hope said:

Das Cocoa. Rewards?

Uhh… what?

[Through the Living Hope]

1 hour ago, Hoid Slayer said:

*hugs*

I get it. I feel like an outsider in my friend group too. Even if you don’t feel recognized, you are important to them. And when they need someone the most, you’ll be there. Not many people can claim that.

 *hugs tight*

Oh, Hawks

You’re right. We need to face life. We can’t run away forever. And I’m happy you’re finding away to do that.

It’s easy to dwell on the past. To miss the times that were better. But…

We can never go back.

You didn’t kill that boy. Life did. And to shield himself from those challenges, to protect himself from all that pain, that boy created you. You are his champion.

That boy never survived the things you did. He never felt all that pain, and chose to live. So yeah, maybe that boy was so much happier. And maybe that is something worth mourning.

But you are infinitely stronger.

 

Uhh… what?

The otter is named Cocoa. Are you in our rewards program?

[Keke They/he]

10 hours ago, IcedOutPenguin said:

Thats a lot of writing

*hugs* 

I do honestly wish I knew how you felt, but I don't; I've never experienced this before. I truthfully wish I could help more than just online. 

It's hard. But I know you'll find your way through it and be better because of it.

*hugs*

*hugs* thanks

Also if anything important happens in how to kill a dragon can you tag me?

9 hours ago, Bird Furious said:

hmm

sounds like a classic case of unimportant syndrome

which I also have

.....

*sigh*

*hugs*

Someday we'll both find someone who will always put us first, and we can do the same for 

And we'll look back on all the people who hurt us without meaning to and we'll realize that we treasure our person so, so much more because of it 

but sometimes 'someday' feels so far away

It's gonna be okay 

*hugs again*

Ah, self reflection. 

I'm glad you're in a better place right now. *hugs* 

You're gonna keep growing and keep getting better and become someone you're proud of. 

I hope i will. *hugs* 

 

Though tbh recently the sh urges have been coming bsck and i dont wanna relapse.

8 hours ago, Through The Living Glass said:

truth

*squeeze*

That's hard

I'm sorry

*hugssssss*

*hugs*

Yes, you will

*hugs*

4 hours ago, Spark of Hope said:

Yep!

Das Felicity

*hug*

~~~

Cant sleep rn. Idk why

*hugs*

4 hours ago, Just A Silvereye said:

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

I... dont have any help for that other then your not alone. *hugs*

1 hour ago, Hoid Slayer said:

*hugs*

I get it. I feel like an outsider in my friend group too. Even if you don’t feel recognized, you are important to them. And when they need someone the most, you’ll be there. Not many people can claim that.

 *hugs tight*

Oh, Hawks

You’re right. We need to face life. We can’t run away forever. And I’m happy you’re finding away to do that.

It’s easy to dwell on the past. To miss the times that were better. But…

We can never go back.

You didn’t kill that boy. Life did. And to shield himself from those challenges, to protect himself from all that pain, that boy created you. You are his champion.

That boy never survived the things you did. He never felt all that pain, and chose to live. So yeah, maybe that boy was so much happier. And maybe that is something worth mourning.

But you are infinitely stronger.

 

Uhh… what?

*hugs*

[IcedOutPenguin He/Him]

6 minutes ago, Hawks said:

*hugs* thanks

Also if anything important happens in how to kill a dragon can you tag me?

Umm... About HtKaD. 

A lot has happened. I'll try to catch you up. but it'll be hard.

5 hours ago, Spark of Hope said:

Yep!

11 hours ago, MirkerLurker said:

I want the penguin!

[Through the Living Hope]

39 minutes ago, IcedOutPenguin said:

Umm... About HtKaD. 

A lot has happened. I'll try to catch you up. but it'll be hard.

I want the penguin!

Dat is Pepito

[IcedOutPenguin He/Him]

2 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Dat is Pepito

Okay!

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

1 hour ago, Spark of Hope said:

The otter is named Cocoa. Are you in our rewards program?

I don’t think so

[Through the Living Hope]

8 minutes ago, Hoid Slayer said:

I don’t think so

Would you like to sign up today? All it takes is a hug!

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

7 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Would you like to sign up today? All it takes is a hug!

Uhh, okay

*hugs*

What now?

[Through the Living Hope]

1 minute ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Uhh, okay

*hugs*

What now?

Now you earn rewards when you borrow stuffies and you can borrow hooded blankets with enough points!

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

7 hours ago, Just A Silvereye said:

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

*hugs so tight* 

Me too, I fear

 *squeeze*

33 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Now you earn rewards when you borrow stuffies and you can borrow hooded blankets with enough points!

Can I has an animal??

[Through the Living Hope]

1 minute ago, Bird Furious said:

*hugs so tight* 

Me too, I fear

 *squeeze*

Can I has an animal??

Absolutely pick from the list 

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

40 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Now you earn rewards when you borrow stuffies and you can borrow hooded blankets with enough points!

Oookay…

*squeezes Cocoa*

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

3 hours ago, Hoid Slayer said:

*hugs*

I get it. I feel like an outsider in my friend group too. Even if you don’t feel recognized, you are important to them. And when they need someone the most, you’ll be there. Not many people can claim that.

 *hugs tight*

Oh, Hawks

You’re right. We need to face life. We can’t run away forever. And I’m happy you’re finding away to do that.

It’s easy to dwell on the past. To miss the times that were better. But…

We can never go back.

You didn’t kill that boy. Life did. And to shield himself from those challenges, to protect himself from all that pain, that boy created you. You are his champion.

That boy never survived the things you did. He never felt all that pain, and chose to live. So yeah, maybe that boy was so much happier. And maybe that is something worth mourning.

But you are infinitely stronger.

 

Uhh… what?

Ik it’s just easy to forget sometimes

[Through the Living Hope]

3 minutes ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Oookay…

*squeezes Cocoa*

I work retail okay  

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

Just now, Heřãłðøfľõvê said:

Ik it’s just easy to forget sometimes

*hugs*

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

12 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Absolutely pick from the list 

Can’t find  

Can I has an otter too?

[Through the Living Hope]

1 minute ago, Bird Furious said:

Can’t find  

Can I has an otter too?

Yea sure

I have one irl but shard Cocoa can have a clone

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

1 minute ago, Spark of Hope said:

Yea sure

I have one irl but shard Cocoa can have a clone

YAY  

*squiz Cocoa*

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

41 minutes ago, Spark of Hope said:

Absolutely pick from the list 

Oo idk where the list is but do you have wolves?

[Through the Living Hope]

1 minute ago, Heřãłðøfľõvê said:

Oo idk where the list is but do you have wolves?

I do not

[Kansas Stormcursed he/him]

9 hours ago, Just A Silvereye said:

*sigh* gonna be another of those days uh

The ones where I'm tired already even though I just got out of bed, where I'm pissed off at everything and anything

Feeling like I should go hibernate somewhere for a couple years

The rest will wait for after that

 

Been trying-ish to work for my retakes for the past week

Not going well

I get angry basically anytime I try to do anything

So I get angry at myself for not working and destroying my future

Not convince I'll do it chat

And that's really scary

Because I have no idea what happens if I fail

I have already played the "redo that year" card

And I have barely managed to do better than the absolute wreck that I was last year

 

Also the fact that I'm afraid  that the school might make a mess of this all

They have a track record on this

Would be nice for once not to be the one responsible for my failures

 

  Hide contents

Fell upon my old school card in a drawer some time ago

With my photo on it

(Entering high school so 8-ish years ago)

Smiling like there's no tomorrow

And I nearly cried

Because I could barely recognize that kid

Not just because I've changed a bit physically

But because that smile, that light in the eyes, felt so... weird

Like it couldn't be me

And then I wondered

What happened to that boy

What broke him so bad that such a smile would feel alien to him

And I knew the answer

It's me

Me and my stupid choices that brought me here

I knew this would happen

And I still went to that place

I am the one who killed that boy

 

*hugs*

1 hour ago, Spark of Hope said:

I do not

What do you have? I can't find the list