Mental health club!

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

1 minute ago, CoderDrag0n8 said:

I have a somewhat similar experiencence (no idea what an enimgram type 4 is thou) and I find it to be somewhat different from what you are describing. When I imagine a conversation, it is usually reality that changes it, not some magical fate. When I imagine a person's response, they just usually respond differently. It's not like I imagine them responding, and then they don't respond. It is just the details that make a person real and seperate from you that change it.

Like how you can never truly know a person, in their entirety, you can never perfectly figure out what their response will be. So they could respond how you think, it just isn't likely.

Yeah I would second this

Nobody’s an oracle

[Myst He/Him]

1 hour ago, CoderDrag0n8 said:

I have a somewhat similar experiencence (no idea what an enimgram type 4 is thou) and I find it to be somewhat different from what you are describing. When I imagine a conversation, it is usually reality that changes it, not some magical fate. When I imagine a person's response, they just usually respond differently. It's not like I imagine them responding, and then they don't respond. It is just the details that make a person real and seperate from you that change it.

Like how you can never truly know a person, in their entirety, you can never perfectly figure out what their response will be. So they could respond how you think, it just isn't likely.

It’s just a personality thing, type 4 is what I feel like is me, and it’s probably not obvious here, but irl I’d say it is.

For me it’s not just the response though, the conversation never happens. Like, not that the conversation goes differently. It’s part of why I feel like that whenever I imagine something like that, I feel like I missed my chance.

1 hour ago, SpartanBrigade said:

Yeah I would second this

Nobody’s an oracle

I kinda feel like the opposite though 

[CoderDrag0n8 He/They]

2 hours ago, Mist. said:

It’s just a personality thing, type 4 is what I feel like is me, and it’s probably not obvious here, but irl I’d say it is.

For me it’s not just the response though, the conversation never happens. Like, not that the conversation goes differently. It’s part of why I feel like that whenever I imagine something like that, I feel like I missed my chance.

I kinda feel like the opposite though 

The conversation never happens? like you don't initiate it? I don't see how a planned conversation would never occur.

[Myst He/Him]

2 minutes ago, CoderDrag0n8 said:

The conversation never happens? like you don't initiate it? I don't see how a planned conversation would never occur.

This is kinda hard to explain, but here goes:

Spoiler

Alright, I’ll try and walk you through what usually happens.

So usually something is happening soon, a time and a place where I know I will see someone. And then, usually a few days before(but sometimes weeks), I’ll start thinking about how that will go, I’ll go through potential conversations in my head. And usually what happens is I’ll latch on to one, for various reasons, though probably because it’s the outcome I’d prefer. So after I’ve found this conversation I prefer, I focus on that one specifically, I’ll run variations of it in my head, things I could potentially say. This is what I’m referring to, I have this way for the conversation to go, and I have a preferred outcome.

Now, time does its thing, and the event or time or whatever it happens to be at this moment, I’ll see the person, and usually we’ll start to talk. And what happens literally every single time, is the conversation I had in mind, never happens, sometimes it’s because the topic never comes up, sometimes I bring up the topic myself, and it still goes in another direction, or some variant of that, no matter how hard I try to make some piece of the idealized conversation happen.

And this happens all the time, and so now when I find that idealized conversation, I think of every single other time where it never happened, and I think, “well, that’s it” it feels like that because I made that my idealized version, I just made it so it’s never going to happen. 

 

[CoderDrag0n8 He/They]

3 minutes ago, Mist. said:

This is kinda hard to explain, but here goes:

  Hide contents

Alright, I’ll try and walk you through what usually happens.

So usually something is happening soon, a time and a place where I know I will see someone. And then, usually a few days before(but sometimes weeks), I’ll start thinking about how that will go, I’ll go through potential conversations in my head. And usually what happens is I’ll latch on to one, for various reasons, though probably because it’s the outcome I’d prefer. So after I’ve found this conversation I prefer, I focus on that one specifically, I’ll run variations of it in my head, things I could potentially say. This is what I’m referring to, I have this way for the conversation to go, and I have a preferred outcome.

Now, time does its thing, and the event or time or whatever it happens to be at this moment, I’ll see the person, and usually we’ll start to talk. And what happens literally every single time, is the conversation I had in mind, never happens, sometimes it’s because the topic never comes up, sometimes I bring up the topic myself, and it still goes in another direction, or some variant of that, no matter how hard I try to make some piece of the idealized conversation happen.

And this happens all the time, and so now when I find that idealized conversation, I think of every single other time where it never happened, and I think, “well, that’s it” it feels like that because I made that my idealized version, I just made it so it’s never going to happen. 

 

Again, that is exactly what I was talking about.

You can never perfectly predict how the conversation will go. It's impossible. You can never perfectly guess what the other person will say, or how they are feeling the specific moment the conversation happens, or if they want to tell you something. If I said, "Oh boy, I hope this conversation goes according too this exact script (or one of a few scripts) without letting the other person see the script!" Do you think that will happen? If I never wrote that script, how likely do you think it is for the conversation to have gone that way anyway?

The conversation still happens, just not in the exact way you predicted it.

[Myst He/Him]

8 minutes ago, CoderDrag0n8 said:

Again, that is exactly what I was talking about.

You can never perfectly predict how the conversation will go. It's impossible. You can never perfectly guess what the other person will say, or how they are feeling the specific moment the conversation happens, or if they want to tell you something. If I said, "Oh boy, I hope this conversation goes according too this exact script (or one of a few scripts) without letting the other person see the script!" Do you think that will happen? If I never wrote that script, how likely do you think it is for the conversation to have gone that way anyway?

The conversation still happens, just not in the exact way you predicted it.

So like…

it’s just expectations then…

[Aeoryi she/her]

14 minutes ago, Mist. said:

This is kinda hard to explain, but here goes:

  Hide contents

Alright, I’ll try and walk you through what usually happens.

So usually something is happening soon, a time and a place where I know I will see someone. And then, usually a few days before(but sometimes weeks), I’ll start thinking about how that will go, I’ll go through potential conversations in my head. And usually what happens is I’ll latch on to one, for various reasons, though probably because it’s the outcome I’d prefer. So after I’ve found this conversation I prefer, I focus on that one specifically, I’ll run variations of it in my head, things I could potentially say. This is what I’m referring to, I have this way for the conversation to go, and I have a preferred outcome.

Now, time does its thing, and the event or time or whatever it happens to be at this moment, I’ll see the person, and usually we’ll start to talk. And what happens literally every single time, is the conversation I had in mind, never happens, sometimes it’s because the topic never comes up, sometimes I bring up the topic myself, and it still goes in another direction, or some variant of that, no matter how hard I try to make some piece of the idealized conversation happen.

And this happens all the time, and so now when I find that idealized conversation, I think of every single other time where it never happened, and I think, “well, that’s it” it feels like that because I made that my idealized version, I just made it so it’s never going to happen. 

 

so you're saying you can perfectly predict the actions and patterns of others? Do you count the times when you can and the times when you can't? 

 

[Myst He/Him]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

so you're saying you can perfectly predict the actions and patterns of others? Do you count the times when you can and the times when you can't? 

 

I don’t usually count, though sometimes when I’m especially frustrated I will

as for predicting others, I’m not sure 

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 minutes ago, Mist. said:

I don’t usually count, though sometimes when I’m especially frustrated I will

as for predicting others, I’m not sure 

Wait so I'm confused, are you saying you can predict others very well or that you can't? 

[Myst He/Him]

5 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

Wait so I'm confused, are you saying you can predict others very well or that you can't? 

Think 50/50

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Mist. said:

Think 50/50

Is that not normal for your average human being? Most people can't accurately predict other people's responses to a T, you know. What's exactly the issue here?

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

15 minutes ago, Mist. said:

So like…

it’s just expectations then…

Pretty much yeah

[Myst He/Him]

4 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

Is that not normal for your average human being? Most people can't accurately predict other people's responses to a T, you know. What's exactly the issue here?

Being able to do it sometimes just makes it more frustrating when I can’t

3 minutes ago, SpartanBrigade said:

Pretty much yeah

Alright then

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Mist. said:

Being able to do it sometimes just makes it more frustrating when I can’t

that's normal
otherwise we wouldn't be frustrated with humans

[CoderDrag0n8 He/They]

1 hour ago, Mist. said:

So like…

it’s just expectations then…

basically

41 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

that's normal
otherwise we wouldn't be frustrated with humans

mmm yeah this

yeah the majority of who-mans are very unreasonable & frustrating

[Kansas Stormcursed he/him]

1 hour ago, CoderDrag0n8 said:

Again, that is exactly what I was talking about.

You can never perfectly predict how the conversation will go. It's impossible. You can never perfectly guess what the other person will say, or how they are feeling the specific moment the conversation happens, or if they want to tell you something. If I said, "Oh boy, I hope this conversation goes according too this exact script (or one of a few scripts) without letting the other person see the script!" Do you think that will happen? If I never wrote that script, how likely do you think it is for the conversation to have gone that way anyway?

The conversation still happens, just not in the exact way you predicted it.

True though this may be true, generally the outcome of conversations I've predicted the path of is the same. Very rarely is it any different. So in general I go by the conclusion

[CoderDrag0n8 He/They]

4 hours ago, Kansas Stormcursed said:

True though this may be true, generally the outcome of conversations I've predicted the path of is the same. Very rarely is it any different. So in general I go by the conclusion

Then you must either know the people you hang out with very well or hang out with very shallow people

[Usseewa]

(preface i have adhd which may be a factor)

 

uhh.. well this turned into a lengthy rant/vent/something. so spoilered for length i guess.

 

(edit sorry if i messed up the formatting.. i did some weird copy pasting by accident cuz i was trying to select it all and copy to backup since it's kinda a lot of text I don't wanna rewrite, but I'm on a phone and phones are stormin idiots like me and spoiler boxes do not at all interact well and yeah.. whateevrr)..

Spoiler

anyone else really really really really want to do something and have ideas but don't have the time or are too excited and meowy to sit still and do anything and then you just... just don't end up doing anything?

for examples I have lots of fun very cool or interesting to me computer/programming ideas, some I've had for months or even years. also i have story ideas. i have this really cool one but the details are still murky and idk bro..

i don't wanna waste my life watching youtube, i don't wanna keep wasting every day stalling and being too.. thought racing to do anything, or just sit down and not know where to start..

and then I can't come up with new ideas even though i REALLYREALLY want to do SOMETHING meaningful. maybe that's.. unreasonable or something since im *fairly* young.. but still. Who would want the first X years of their life to be a waste? sure I've done a *few* things but i want to do *moreee.*

i don't wanna just keep.. going along with basically no free will become I'm just.. because im just doing what I'm told and the same thing. i want to do what i want to do and something that.. I enjoy or brings meaning or worth or fulfilment or what have you. i want to write something people enjoy and that i enjoy and i want to code something useful or even just functioning even if im just constantly reinventing the wheel. maybe that's just cuz i need to start by reinventing the wheel before i can insert metaphor that means make something new.

i want to do some great things and have ideas but.. some of them take a lot of work and even if I'm fine doing that work and even if it'd bring me passion, sometimes it feels useless because someone will always have done it already and my work will just be purely for fun and learning and skill building which is pretty fun.. but i don't *only* want to be a wheel factory. I want to slice bread. even if i am a wheel factory i want to.. not think about how everything I'm doing has no value.

why code your own programming library when it already exists? why create your own programming language or even operating systems when there are plenty of better, optimized, etc. ones out there? when you are only one girl against thousands of experts and billions of dollars.

i guess it's about fun and also learning. you can't make the next.. idk, something, without having an understanding of what came before.

and i hope I don't sound like an idiot who wants to be rich famous whatever.. i more want to do something that matters, both to myself and also others. i want my writing to actually mean something and have others see that meaning, i want the crap i program or try to program to be.. useful to me and others. i want to enjoy the.. fruit of my labour i guess. maybe that's the wrong term... i want to feel the satisfaction of having something work after hours and hours and weeks of trying to get this small thing to work properly. yet at the same time this means I'll.. never be good enough to compete with others, perhaps? like if I'm just now learning what everyone already knows.. what can I do?

they have a team of editors and are writing novels while I'm learning the alphabet. something like that.

and the thing is i feel like it's all a race. both against others but also against myself and time. maybe this is wrong of me.. but i just feel like i have to do *something* and have to do it quickly. before the moment passes or whatever.. before someone else does it.. before i get "too old" or something.. before.. idk.

i have unfinished projects and unfortunately lost motivation last year due to something.

for the life of me i need to learn how to plan and organize and not get overwhelmed before i even start..

so uhh.. guess I'm looking for some advice? if you can. or maybe this was just a vent? not sure.. not sure....

 

edit:

so going back to what i said about youtube.. there's a few or something things there.. there's the obvious wasting time thing. i don't want to keep wasting time on youtube or whatever but it's so stupid. also, I don't want to keep watching (and reading, or whatever) about people doing all these amazing things that i want to do. sometimes it inspires me, but then i just.. idk.. yeah.

 

edit 2:

also like i haven't even made a doom or bad apple port which is basically a rite of passage of sorts for programmers. sometimes i feel like an imposter or something because i don't use Linux which might sound stupid and maybe it is...

i think i try to sound so smart about computers and tech because i want so seem to myself and others like i know more than i do or know more than i think i do.. which is probably dumb i guess..

it's just.. what if i *never* end up doing anything? what if i live life trying to do something and die a nobody who just did absolutely nothing with a waste of a life. i don't want time to run out.

sometimes throughout the years i think of what i would do if i were either immortal or.. like.. trapped in some alternate realm with no one else around. or like.. an equivalent to a prison where I'm just in one place for a very long time. I always think of how I'd probably (or want to..) use that time to, like, make plans and notes and diagrams for some amazing life's work or something.. or like use that time to expand my knowing, like learn a language or create my own. same if i were stuck in a time loop (groundhog day or it's derivatives or similar). I always say id use that time to basically learn a lot and/or create something wonderful. like since i essentially have a lot or infinite time, I'd just each day keep learning and stuff, and if i have to redo my progress from where i left off last day then so be it. i think if how i stayed up even later (or used my nights more wisely), i could do a lot more. i think how if i just read a lot and did a lot i could learn a lot more..

i feel like i need some "master" document or multiple documents or something where i write all my ideas and stuff and maybe steps or outlines or maybe what knowledge I'd need or something.

where was i , idk. tbh. i need some.. direction or structure or insert some random word here to my life. sigh sigh

 

Edited April 13 by Usseewa
added more to the end. Then added more again

[Keke They/he]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

(preface i have adhd which may be a factor)

 

uhh.. well this turned into a lengthy rant/vent/something. so spoilered for length i guess.

 

(edit sorry if i messed up the formatting.. i did some weird copy pasting by accident cuz i was trying to select it all and copy to backup since it's kinda a lot of text I don't wanna rewrite, but I'm on a phone and phones are stormin idiots like me and spoiler boxes do not at all interact well and yeah.. whateevrr)..

  Reveal hidden contents

anyone else really really really really want to do something and have ideas but don't have the time or are too excited and meowy to sit still and do anything and then you just... just don't end up doing anything?

for examples I have lots of fun very cool or interesting to me computer/programming ideas, some I've had for months or even years. also i have story ideas. i have this really cool one but the details are still murky and idk bro..

i don't wanna waste my life watching youtube, i don't wanna keep wasting every day stalling and being too.. thought racing to do anything, or just sit down and not know where to start..

and then I can't come up with new ideas even though i REALLYREALLY want to do SOMETHING meaningful. maybe that's.. unreasonable or something since im *fairly* young.. but still. Who would want the first X years of their life to be a waste? sure I've done a *few* things but i want to do *moreee.*

i don't wanna just keep.. going along with basically no free will become I'm just.. because im just doing what I'm told and the same thing. i want to do what i want to do and something that.. I enjoy or brings meaning or worth or fulfilment or what have you. i want to write something people enjoy and that i enjoy and i want to code something useful or even just functioning even if im just constantly reinventing the wheel. maybe that's just cuz i need to start by reinventing the wheel before i can insert metaphor that means make something new.

i want to do some great things and have ideas but.. some of them take a lot of work and even if I'm fine doing that work and even if it'd bring me passion, sometimes it feels useless because someone will always have done it already and my work will just be purely for fun and learning and skill building which is pretty fun.. but i don't *only* want to be a wheel factory. I want to slice bread. even if i am a wheel factory i want to.. not think about how everything I'm doing has no value.

why code your own programming library when it already exists? why create your own programming language or even operating systems when there are plenty of better, optimized, etc. ones out there? when you are only one girl against thousands of experts and billions of dollars.

i guess it's about fun and also learning. you can't make the next.. idk, something, without having an understanding of what came before.

and i hope I don't sound like an idiot who wants to be rich famous whatever.. i more want to do something that matters, both to myself and also others. i want my writing to actually mean something and have others see that meaning, i want the crap i program or try to program to be.. useful to me and others. i want to enjoy the.. fruit of my labour i guess. maybe that's the wrong term... i want to feel the satisfaction of having something work after hours and hours and weeks of trying to get this small thing to work properly. yet at the same time this means I'll.. never be good enough to compete with others, perhaps? like if I'm just now learning what everyone already knows.. what can I do?

they have a team of editors and are writing novels while I'm learning the alphabet. something like that.

and the thing is i feel like it's all a race. both against others but also against myself and time. maybe this is wrong of me.. but i just feel like i have to do *something* and have to do it quickly. before the moment passes or whatever.. before someone else does it.. before i get "too old" or something.. before.. idk.

i have unfinished projects and unfortunately lost motivation last year due to something.

for the life of me i need to learn how to plan and organize and not get overwhelmed before i even start..

so uhh.. guess I'm looking for some advice? if you can. or maybe this was just a vent? not sure.. not sure....

 

edit:

so going back to what i said about youtube.. there's a few or something things there.. there's the obvious wasting time thing. i don't want to keep wasting time on youtube or whatever but it's so stupid. also, I don't want to keep watching (and reading, or whatever) about people doing all these amazing things that i want to do. sometimes it inspires me, but then i just.. idk.. yeah.

 

edit 2:

also like i haven't even made a doom or bad apple port which is basically a rite of passage of sorts for programmers. sometimes i feel like an imposter or something because i don't use Linux which might sound stupid and maybe it is...

i think i try to sound so smart about computers and tech because i want so seem to myself and others like i know more than i do or know more than i think i do.. which is probably dumb i guess..

it's just.. what if i *never* end up doing anything? what if i live life trying to do something and die a nobody who just did absolutely nothing with a waste of a life. i don't want time to run out.

sometimes throughout the years i think of what i would do if i were either immortal or.. like.. trapped in some alternate realm with no one else around. or like.. an equivalent to a prison where I'm just in one place for a very long time. I always think of how I'd probably (or want to..) use that time to, like, make plans and notes and diagrams for some amazing life's work or something.. or like use that time to expand my knowing, like learn a language or create my own. same if i were stuck in a time loop (groundhog day or it's derivatives or similar). I always say id use that time to basically learn a lot and/or create something wonderful. like since i essentially have a lot or infinite time, I'd just each day keep learning and stuff, and if i have to redo my progress from where i left off last day then so be it. i think if how i stayed up even later (or used my nights more wisely), i could do a lot more. i think how if i just read a lot and did a lot i could learn a lot more..

i feel like i need some "master" document or multiple documents or something where i write all my ideas and stuff and maybe steps or outlines or maybe what knowledge I'd need or something.

where was i , idk. tbh. i need some.. direction or structure or insert some random word here to my life. sigh sigh

 

*HUGS*

i get that a lot. 

To answer the why, like why do this if it exists is to make it yourself. Why draw when someone already drew that, to make one you did, to make one personalized and be able to say I did that.

as for the lack of lets say motivation.. i dont really have a definitive way to help. One way is it just try. Sit down at your computer and listen to music and start coding. Just do it despite your boredom and maybe you’ll gain motivation as you go. This is what i do with drawing. For down and doodle until I get inspired to actually do somehting. 

I belive in you!! And im excited to see whatever project you work on next!

[Usseewa]

6 minutes ago, Keke said:

*HUGS*

i get that a lot. 

To answer the why, like why do this if it exists is to make it yourself. Why draw when someone already drew that, to make one you did, to make one personalized and be able to say I did that.

as for the lack of lets say motivation.. i dont really have a definitive way to help. One way is it just try. Sit down at your computer and listen to music and start coding. Just do it despite your boredom and maybe you’ll gain motivation as you go. This is what i do with drawing. For down and doodle until I get inspired to actually do somehting. 

I belive in you!! And im excited to see whatever project you work on next!

*hugs back*

aww thanks

I think you're right

(unfortunately I have a few other obligations like school.. but I'll try and make it work)

i think I needed to hear that

[Keke They/he]

14 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

*hugs back*

aww thanks

I think you're right

(unfortunately I have a few other obligations like school.. but I'll try and make it work)

i think I needed to hear that

Ofc! I hope you do well!

[Aeoryi she/her]

6 hours ago, Usseewa said:

anyone else really really really really want to do something and have ideas but don't have the time or are too excited and meowy to sit still and do anything and then you just... just don't end up doing anything?

yeah lol

All the time 

Most of my ideas never get to kick off at all and just remain thoughts on paper- game designs, stories, games, even music sometimes. Just after you exhaust the part that interests you there's no appeal to keeping it around. 

6 hours ago, Usseewa said:

and then I can't come up with new ideas even though i REALLYREALLY want to do SOMETHING meaningful. maybe that's.. unreasonable or something since im *fairly* young.. but still. Who would want the first X years of their life to be a waste? sure I've done a *few* things but i want to do *moreee.*

lol yeah this happens all the time
 

[Usseewa]

51 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

yeah lol

All the time 

Most of my ideas never get to kick off at all and just remain thoughts on paper- game designs, stories, games, even music sometimes. Just after you exhaust the part that interests you there's no appeal to keeping it around. 

lol yeah this happens all the time
 

haha sometimes they aren't really even written down

usually i make a note or random here and there ideas to myself or just not or i want to go dieeeeeeeee

and be reborrrrnnnnn

as

a

girerlllllllll

 

uhhh idk why me said that

[Aeoryi she/her]

4 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

haha sometimes they aren't really even written down

usually i make a note or random here and there ideas to myself or just not or i want to go dieeeeeeeee

and be reborrrrnnnnn

as

a

girerlllllllll

 

uhhh idk why me said that

I have so many ideas waiting to be actualized....

[Usseewa]

1 hour ago, Aeoryi said:

I have so many ideas waiting to be actualized....

hehe... just went on a walk and talked to myself a bunch and called myself things that I'm not allowed to say here because i am