People you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley

[DrakeMarshall he/him]

3 minutes ago, Ookla the Altruist said:

Well, I already have both a Rathbore Monk (whom everyone is ignoring) in the Bakkery with me, and I've armed him with a particularly nasty spike which should be able to turn Ookla the Noble into a loyal Denizen of the Dark Alley. As for the bystanders, yes, copper is probably the best route? Want to watch the door to catch anyone who might try to escape?

Certainly. I’ve been wanting to test these copper scalpels...

[Fatebreaker he/him]

On 11/28/2017 at 5:38 PM, Ookla the Capricious said:

Do we know What the DA disclaimer is? Or was it lost in the accidental black hole creation a few weeks back?

Also @Fatebreaker what do we have to do to become official denzines of the dark alley? Is their an application, or can we start our research whenever we feel the need?

Ah, you mean this little thing?

Disclaimer: Disclaimers follow. (Neither the seller not the manufacturer will be liable for any brain damage arising from the use of this product. Void where prohibited except where not prohibited. Above terms subject to change without notice. Action figures sold separately. Actual price set by retailers. All research statistics are blatantly flagrant. All rights reserved. All sales final. Any other application constitutes fraud. At participating locations only. Alternate toy available for children under 3. Because some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion or limitation of liability for consequential or incidental damages, the above limitations may not apply to you. By continuing to use this system you indicate your awareness of and consent to these terms and conditions of use. Caveat emptor. Do not look at laser beam with remaining eye. Your results may vary. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of a Shard, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized repair, incorrect line voltage, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, sticks and stones, et al.). User assumes full liabilities. Some humor and satire included. Price and participation may vary. Not to be used for the other use. Words crossed out are to be disregarded unless they resemble spikes piercing words, in which case you should probably see your local spike cookie vendor. May be addictive. Must be 18 months or older to order. Prices subject to change without notice. No refunds available. There is a slight chance (between 12-87%) of Ruinous corruption; this may or may not cause the following side effects (including, but not limited to): delusions of grandeur, hallucinations, compulsive and destructive behavior, pain, headaches, voices in your head, pneumonia, heart attack, stoke, severe internal bleeding, and death. These side effects are not permanent and are perfectly normal. Please see your cookie vendor to see if Hemalurgy is right for you. No kandra were harmed in the making of this product. Some disclaimers may not apply to all participating victims participants. All constitutional rights are waved by use of this product. Irreparable damage may occur. Vendor is not liable for damaged packaging, bodies, or souls. There is always another secret. Surgeon's Warning: Spiking causes severe Investiture warping. Fragile. This side up. If normality persists for a period of time exceeding 30 days, consult with a Dark Alley representative near you. This may be a sign of chronic dementia. This side down. The information contained in this disclaimer is intended by the Dark Alley for the use of consumers only and may contain information that is privileged, confidential, and/or protected from disclosure by inapplicable laws. Contents of this disclaimer are under pressure. This disclaimer may be in part, whole, or wholesale plagiarized. Shake well before using. Batteries not included. Each set sold separately. Avoid prolonged exposure to this disclaimer. Do not read this disclaimer while driving a vehicle or operating heavy equipment. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is coincidental and intended by the author. Reading this disclaimer does not provide grounds for a legal dispute. Parental guidance suggested. Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt at home. See the owner's manual for more information.Trespassers will be spiked.˙ʍolloɟ llᴉʍ ʇxǝʇ pǝʇɹǝʌuᴉ ǝɹoW ˙ʎɔuǝᴉɔᴉɟɟǝ ƃuᴉpɐǝɹ ǝzᴉɯᴉxɐɯ oʇ uǝǝɹɔs ɹnoʎ ǝʇɐʇoɹ ǝsɐǝlԀ ˙uʍop ǝpᴉsdn sᴉ ɥɔᴉɥʍ 'uǝǝɹɔs ɹnoʎ ʇᴉɟ oʇ pǝʇʇɐɯɹoɟ uǝǝq sɐɥ ʇxǝʇ sᴉɥ┴ Approved by the FDA. Made in a facility that also processes wheat, eggs, and radioactive materials. ¡noʎ ploʇ 'ǝǝS White text included at no additional charge.

As for official application, traditionally once you made a "sale" in the intro thread you'd  have officially joined our ranks. That said, we don't tend to stand on formalit, as it's liable to sink unless you properly disperse your weight.

As for test subjects key ingredients, we tend to "acquire" them as we see fit. We also tend to keep our Definitely-not-a-Dismal-Dungeon® well stocked with many of our more, perishable supplies.

And a word of warning on the Essence Spikes. I created them on accident, but have since done considerable research on them and they're nothing to sneeze at. Careful handling and laboratory procedures are vital to ensure there is no accidental rending or partial rending of your soul.

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Aha, I have made a break through in my quest to disguise a soul through hemalurgy! I discovered the existence of small sDNA sequences that are concerned with the appearance of various abilities, but don't contain the actual ability. We used to consider the genes for various powers as one big thing, but in reality they are made of of much smaller sequences, much more similar to a physical DNA then we thought. For example the spiritual gene that confers the ability to burn pewter, is made of two parts. The first, is the appearance of being able to burn pewter, I suspect it has to something to do with identity or connection of being a thug, the second is the actual ability to burn pewter. Using standard size spikes, we spike out the entire gene. Using spikes the size of needles, I can accurately spike out this portion of a soul, but leave the other part behind. After spiking someone with this attribute, in the spiritual realm it looks like this person has the ability to burn pewter, but they actually don't. My next step will be to figure out how to apply this to the entire soul, in one spike.

[Wind's Pleasure]

Hello, somebody recommended I join the dark alley, so I'm here to try this out.

[+ElephantEarwax he/him]

I also would like to enlist, If I may, I would infiltrate the hemalurgy free bakery.

Edited December 5, 2017 by Ookla the Elephant

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Welcome to the Dark alley. Traditionally one is formally accepted as a denzine after they make a "sale" in one of the introduction threads. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by Ookla the Capricious

[Quickbronze he/him]

Considering that the owner of the HFB(me) is currently unconscious on his floor spiked to have loyalty to the Dark Alley, that's not really necessary

Edited December 5, 2017 by Ookla the Noble

[MacThorstenson he/him]

What can we say except your welcome, for letting you come join the DA.

[Quickbronze he/him]

"I swear to never use hemalurgy or urge others to use hemalurgy and that I will do my best to cure all previous victims of hemalurgy." would be a good start.

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom he/him]

4 hours ago, Ookla the Noble said:

Considering that the owner of the HFB(me) is currently unconscious on his floor spiked to have loyalty to the Dark Alley, that's not really necessary

Exactly how long have you been unconscious? And how long will you be unconscious? You can assume that if it's been more than 24 hours, I've moved you to a different location.

PS: Why are you unconscious again?

Edited December 5, 2017 by Ookla the Altruist

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Are you sure you spiked him with the right spike?

[kenod]

Maybe he accidentally used a brass spike containing Feruchemical bronze?

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom he/him]

4 hours ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

Are you sure you spiked him with the right spike?

 

Considering I only gave the Rathbore Monk the one spike, yes. Might be worth checking the bind point however. How many bind points are there in the heart again? If that's it, for his sake I hope a minor adjustment will be all that is required. As far as I can tell, removing a spike from someone's heart tends to be fatal.

PS: It was an atium spike, and the original victim (who will not be named) didn't have any investiture-based abilities (IE: Allomancy, Feruchemy, Surgebinding, etc.)

Edited December 6, 2017 by Ookla the Altruist

[+ElephantEarwax he/him]

I made a sale.

Edit, also catering the Drab Only Club.

Edited December 7, 2017 by Ookla the Elephant

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Congratulations!! Welcome to the DA!! If you want to start researching hemalurgy, just try and find an empty lab somewhere. After last weeks black hole incident Alley 63 is open. Also word from the wise, I was talked to by the moderators for having spoiler tags in my in my signature.

 

You also may want to change the name of the Drab Only Club to the Drab Association, DA for short.

Edited December 7, 2017 by Ookla the Capricious

[Stormblessed Dolphin he/him]

I am highly interested in your cookies. I have come to learn more

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Welcome to the Dark Alley. If you have already made a "sale" using one of our products you are officially a member. You are allowed to take up any empty lab you can find and begin hemalurgic research. As I said above, a black hole recently destroyed alley 63. The newly constructed version is completely empty if you would like to take up residency there.

[Zennix he/him]

3 hours ago, Benjamin_Stormblessed said:

I am highly interested in your cookies. I have come to learn more

You should check out the recipes for novice level cookies in the DA library (don't enter the restricted section for now). Start with something small.

[Stormblessed Dolphin he/him]

I'll check that out

[Ataraxian Wist she/her]

I've been practicing my Hemalurgy baking, and I'm pretty close to the complete table of Hemalurgic metals perfect cookie recipe. May I join y'all?

[MacThorstenson he/him]

Of course, the only requirement is that you need to make 1 sale in the introduction threads.

[Anujun he/him]

Hellooooo? *shout echoes down the scary dark alley* Is this where I can get a cookie?

@Farnsworthtold me I could get a cookie here. I have a feeling this is a trap!

Also, hi

[Farnsworth]

Hahahaha! I have made my first capture! You are now one of us. Welcome to guild! Have spike! And a cookie! 

[Anujun he/him]

15 minutes ago, Farnsworth said:

Hahahaha! I have made my first capture! You are now one of us. Welcome to guild! Have spike! And a cookie! 

Nooooooo, I have been tricked! At least make my death swift, you ruffia-- wait, one of you? In the guild??

*accepts spike and cookie, eyes glow red*

I will bring others to the dark alley!

[Farnsworth]

Yes join us! If you need spikes, please feel free to borrow mine any time! Just not the ones in my eyes already. That would be difficult to lend to somebody.