The Relationship Advice Thread, by Dr. Calano

[Going_North_cal]

On 1/29/2023 at 2:32 AM, Witless of Shinovar said:

I have just discovered this and I think I could use some advice. So I recently accepted that I'm Bi (mostly, sometimes I still just think I'm lying to myself), and I realized I kind of have a crush on one of my really good friends.

I'm a guy

 and he's also a guy

but he's straight. What should I do about it? I haven't even come out or anything yet, so if I told him, or anyone really, it would blow up in my face. Help

(sorry for the rant.) 

Oh yes that is a dilemma. Well, I think for now just be his friend. Be chill, don't be too crazy. I understand your pain, believe me, my girlfriend was my closest friend before I liked her and it was rough lol.

But you've got this

3 hours ago, The last Fae in the Woods said:

Ok so you probably have sorted this out but give them distractions make pecking order useless, give them more treats, hand feed them so they share, More perches in their coop.

could y'all move this to another thread?

[Lego Mistborn he/him]

What do you do when you sometimes feel like you're only going to hurt the person you're with?

[Going_North_cal]

2 hours ago, Lego Mistborn said:

What do you do when you sometimes feel like you're only going to hurt the person you're with?

Talk to them about it.

Nothing simpler to it.

[Tea Leaf]

So I know this person, they are nice and very smart and I really want to ask them out but I hear a bit from a mutual friend that they aren't allowed to date. Also one of their closest friends is someone I have dated, do you have any advice for how to handle this?

[That1Cellist he/him]

2 hours ago, The last Fae in the Woods said:

So I know this person, they are nice and very smart and I really want to ask them out but I hear a bit from a mutual friend that they aren't allowed to date. Also one of their closest friends is someone I have dated, do you have any advice for how to handle this?

Well ummmm Mr. Guy if they aren't allowed to date they aren't allowed to date. I hate to break it to you but in that case I think it's all there is too it.

[Tea Leaf]

1 hour ago, That1Cellist said:

Well ummmm Mr. Guy if they aren't allowed to date they aren't allowed to date. I hate to break it to you but in that case I think it's all there is too it.

Exactamundo Mr. Guy.

[Going_North_cal]

6 hours ago, The last Fae in the Woods said:

So I know this person, they are nice and very smart and I really want to ask them out but I hear a bit from a mutual friend that they aren't allowed to date. Also one of their closest friends is someone I have dated, do you have any advice for how to handle this?

Just be besties until they can date! Simple!

The same thing is happening to some friends of mine.

[Immortal Platypus]

@CalanoCorvus, is it okay if I PM you about my situation?

[Going_North_cal]

16 hours ago, Being of Cacophony said:

@CalanoCorvus, is it okay if I PM you about my situation?

Absolutely

[Immortal Platypus]

Great. It'll take me a little bit though.

[Going_North_cal]

Just a friendly reminder y'all can still ask questions

Always happy to help however I can.

[Edema Rue she/her]

How do you attain social skills? 

(actually this is a legitimate question)

[Going_North_cal]

20 hours ago, Aes Sedai said:

How do you attain social skills? 

(actually this is a legitimate question)

Get out there and start talking to people.

Get out of your comfort zone, just learn 'em.

Stick with people you know at first, but slowly branch out. It'll be worth it.

[Edema Rue she/her]

But like…is it better to have barricaded bridges or burnt ones? Seems like every time things should be going well, something ruins everything. Storming unspoken social rules.

[That1Cellist he/him]

How do I deal with general feelings of inferiority?

Especially when it comes to thinking about other people. Like, that I am definitely inferior to everyone in every way imaginable and it's messing with how I interact.

Edited March 27, 2023 by That1Cellist

[Going_North_cal]

2 hours ago, Aes Sedai said:

But like…is it better to have barricaded bridges or burnt ones? Seems like every time things should be going well, something ruins everything. Storming unspoken social rules.

It's better to have neither, but instead have guarded (not barricaded, guarded) bridges until the person trying to cross said bridge has proven that they are worthy to be your friend. You are able to choose who you want to be friends with. How you do that is up to you, but guarded bridges is a good start.

Now for me, I have very loosely guarded, and sometimes not even guarded at all, bridges. But I'm also hella chaotic and extroverted. Please do not be like me. It will come back to bite me, I know.

34 minutes ago, That1Cellist said:

How do I deal with general feelings of inferiority?

Especially when it comes to thinking about other people. Like, that I am definitely inferior to everyone in every way imaginable and it's messing with how I interact.

I'd say a therapist. But, if that's too big/expensive/scary an option, then discussing it with someone you trust, or just sitting or laying down and thinking things through for a while would be best. It sounds like something that's been caused by maybe something in your past.

The reason I say that is because I recently discovered that several fears/anxieties/results of those two things that I have are all a result of one super traumatic event last July.

So... could be something like that.

[That1Cellist he/him]

So, as a follow up, what do I do if I have an intense fear of my friends moving away or becoming otherwise unavailable? Saying it that way does not do it justice, or really convey how I feel. I can't even explain it.

But... it's definitely present.

[Going_North_cal]

53 minutes ago, That1Cellist said:

So, as a follow up, what do I do if I have an intense fear of my friends moving away or becoming otherwise unavailable? Saying it that way does not do it justice, or really convey how I feel. I can't even explain it.

But... it's definitely present.

Hmm.

I feel this way a decent amount; less of them moving away (but that's still present) and more something bad happening to them physically (an illness, an accident, etc.) so I understand how you're feeling.

Now, why you're feeling this way, and how to fix it... I can only do so much. The most I can do is offer help by directing you to a therapist or some other trusted individual. You have to face it somehow. My apologies. I wish I could do more, but this is approaching areas outside my pay grade. I understand how you feel, and wish you the best, as well.

[Nathrangking he/him]

49 minutes ago, CalanoCorvus said:

Hmm.

I feel this way a decent amount; less of them moving away (but that's still present) and more something bad happening to them physically (an illness, an accident, etc.) so I understand how you're feeling.

Now, why you're feeling this way, and how to fix it... I can only do so much. The most I can do is offer help by directing you to a therapist or some other trusted individual. You have to face it somehow. My apologies. I wish I could do more, but this is approaching areas outside my pay grade. I understand how you feel, and wish you the best, as well.

1 hour ago, That1Cellist said:

So, as a follow up, what do I do if I have an intense fear of my friends moving away or becoming otherwise unavailable? Saying it that way does not do it justice, or really convey how I feel. I can't even explain it.

But... it's definitely present.

If I may try and add a little to Calano's advice. Being separated from people who we share a close connection with is not easy. I'd say this, talking to someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to is always a valuable method. However, it may also help for you to think about what precisely about their lack of availability scares you. It might be something totally undefinable and that's fine. However, it can help to think about what is driving the fear. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Trying to discover the root may even help reduce it in the long-run.

[That1Cellist he/him]

1 hour ago, CalanoCorvus said:

Hmm.

I feel this way a decent amount; less of them moving away (but that's still present) and more something bad happening to them physically (an illness, an accident, etc.) so I understand how you're feeling.

Now, why you're feeling this way, and how to fix it... I can only do so much. The most I can do is offer help by directing you to a therapist or some other trusted individual. You have to face it somehow. My apologies. I wish I could do more, but this is approaching areas outside my pay grade. I understand how you feel, and wish you the best, as well.

 

11 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

If I may try and add a little to Calano's advice. Being separated from people who we share a close connection with is not easy. I'd say this, talking to someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to is always a valuable method. However, it may also help for you to think about what precisely about their lack of availability scares you. It might be something totally undefinable and that's fine. However, it can help to think about what is driving the fear. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Trying to discover the root may even help reduce it in the long-run.

Thank you, Nath and Calano. I... don't know what to do. But thank you for your words. They help me to not feel quite so alone, even as it's jaws gape. Thank you.

[Going_North_cal]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

If I may try and add a little to Calano's advice. Being separated from people who we share a close connection with is not easy. I'd say this, talking to someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to is always a valuable method. However, it may also help for you to think about what precisely about their lack of availability scares you. It might be something totally undefinable and that's fine. However, it can help to think about what is driving the fear. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Trying to discover the root may even help reduce it in the long-run.

This is why I offered therapy as an option, because that's what therapy does; gets to the root of the problem.

59 minutes ago, That1Cellist said:

Thank you, Nath and Calano. I... don't know what to do. But thank you for your words. They help me to not feel quite so alone, even as it's jaws gape. Thank you.

Of course

[Nathrangking he/him]

Just now, CalanoCorvus said:

This is why I offered therapy as an option, because that's what therapy does; gets to the root of the problem.

Of course

You are correct. In theory that is precisely the result that therapy aims to achieve. That being said if one does not feel comfortable talking to someone else then they can seek out the root themselves. The result is the same even if the methodology isn't.

[Going_North_cal]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

You are correct. In theory that is precisely the result that therapy aims to achieve. That being said if one does not feel comfortable talking to someone else then they can seek out the root themselves. The result is the same even if the methodology isn't.

It's a lot like math. There can be multiple ways to solve a problem, but most of the time, all the formulas do the same thing; get the answer.

[Lotus Blossom she/her]

... why do i not have a love life yet ... T-T

[The cheeseman Don't you dare go Hollow!]

Okay so.

I asked the girl I like out to prom, and she said no. I am now wondering if there's anything I should do. The advice I have been given so far is that I should give her space, respect her decision (duh), and don't make it awkward by talking to her about it. I was also told that if I want to ask her out again, I should wait a few months. (Well, maybe more than a few...)

Here's where bigger problem arises.

She is in my writing group. Which means that at least once a month, I will be having to interact with her (and everyone else in the group, but that's beside the point) for like three hours. Our next meeting is Monday the 17th, and, while not certainly dreading this next encounter with her, I am not exactly excited either. We haven't talked in over a week and I'm another part of what I'm wondering is that maybe is was not a good idea to ask her to prom two days prior to the event. Yes, I did do that.

*hides on other nerd forums*