First paragraph of a new story i'm working on

[The Sibling]

 

The night was pitch black, the stars blocked out by an ominous cloud. Rain poured down in a thin drizzle, mist swirling through the skies. Footsteps. Hoofbeats. The sounds of rain and the sounds of war pooled together into a steady drumbeat. Thump. Clang. Smash. The front line of the army shifted uncomfortably, hands gripping shoddy spears and rusty swords. A woman at the very front winced as the second army began pouring over the hill on the horizon. The man next to her involuntarily took a step back. She grabbed his arm comfortingly.

“Steady!” She whispered

[FlowerGirl]

This is really good! I'm an aspiring writer and as far as I can tell this is great writing. (I'm a newer writer so not sure how good my judgement is.)

[Lord Gregorio]

I'm a newish writer, but I can try to suggest a few things that I would fix (though my style may be different). "The night was pitch black, the stars blocked out by an ominous cloud." sounds pretty good, but it seems like something every writer would write. Maybe something like, "Darkness pulsed as a cloud blocked starlight." Sounds cool. But so does the first one. I dunno. I really like this though. Also, when the women winces, maybe you could give more clue to her thoughts as to why. Maybe you want it written that way, but you could describe the coming army shortly, giving them a bit more dangerous feel. "the second army began pouring over the hill, shining despite the darkness. Hopefully this helps. If you want to keep it how you have it, it still sounds cool. 

[The Sibling]

On 9/3/2022 at 11:44 PM, Gregorio said:

I'm a newish writer, but I can try to suggest a few things that I would fix (though my style may be different). "The night was pitch black, the stars blocked out by an ominous cloud." sounds pretty good, but it seems like something every writer would write. Maybe something like, "Darkness pulsed as a cloud blocked starlight." Sounds cool. But so does the first one. I dunno. I really like this though. Also, when the women winces, maybe you could give more clue to her thoughts as to why. Maybe you want it written that way, but you could describe the coming army shortly, giving them a bit more dangerous feel. "the second army began pouring over the hill, shining despite the darkness. Hopefully this helps. If you want to keep it how you have it, it still sounds cool. 

Thanks, these are all good ideas. the story has kind of changed, o this is going to be slightly different and part of a flashback now, but I'm definitely going to think about your advice and make some changes.

[Coolmint]

You start with action, and that's good.  Keep writing, and get your story written before edtiting the whole thing.  

 

 

[RonRothJr]

I'm responding so you know I read it, and I appreciated it. I'll echo what the others posted and say that you have a very strong hook and that it could do with some creative simile or uniquely styled description. I also suffer from what you may face; I like to go back and edit a chapter as soon as I've written it, rewrite it, post it, re-read, and rewrite it again. Sometimes it's because I don't quite know how to move on to the next chapter, how to shape it and make it just as worth reading as the previous. I've not yet published, though I've been writing this book for several years, more than I'll say here. It's been a huge learning experience, so yeah, get back to writing the next chapter and finish your damn novel. 

[Coolmint]

Dean Loontz edits as he goes.  I don't.  So there ya go.

[CuratorOTL]

Read it. Liked it. The only thing I would change is the second sentence. (Just a copy edit basically) Two sentences in a row separated by commas seems sort of clunky. The mist also doesn't have much to do with the rain. I would divide the second sentence into two different sentences, so it would read, "Rain poured down in a thin drizzle. Mist swirled through the skies."

[The Sibling]

On 2023-10-10 at 0:22 PM, CuratorOTL said:

Read it. Liked it. The only thing I would change is the second sentence. (Just a copy edit basically) Two sentences in a row separated by commas seems sort of clunky. The mist also doesn't have much to do with the rain. I would divide the second sentence into two different sentences, so it would read, "Rain poured down in a thin drizzle. Mist swirled through the skies."

Cool, thanks! This is from so long ago I forgot it existed but it was fun to look at it again.