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Inquisitor Santa Presents: Holiday Giveaway


Hohoho, Sharders. I am Inquisitor Santa, and I'm pleased to be allowed to finally write for this site. Just because I slaughtered that barge full of orphans, the administrators think that's "too violent"? Lord Ruler, what a bunch of losers.

Bah. You worldhoppers. I've heard about the legend of your "Santa Claus," and there's not one mention of his obsidian axes. Miserable cretin. I live in the north pole of Scadrial (technically), and you know what I do when I check my Naughty-and-Nice list, I don't give the naughty half-breed children a pile of coal. Though my axe is dark like coal, I suppose.

In any case, I'm here to give you people on the Nice list a few special things: spikes through the eyes. Spikes made of fancy prizes! Unless you're a skaa half-breed, in which case, register in the contest anyways so I can hunt you abominations down! Kill, kill! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE LORD RULER!

...

*pants*

Where was I? Oh, yes, prizes. We have eight spikes--I mean, prizes:

-A signed, numbered copy of The Alloy of Law. I'm being informed that this is in fact #781.
-The Mistborn Adventure Game by Crafty_Games. This tabletop RPG game is set during the Final Empire, so I immediately praise these "Crafty Games" people for their obedience to the Lord Ruler. The RPG also has a short story by Brandon Sanderson himself, as well as some annotations on the creation of it. The game comes out December 15th, and if you win this prize, you'll get a digital copy of the book that day, and a softcover copy when it gets back from the printer. I hear the game is pretty fun. Of course, if you don't go play an Inquisitor, I will go down your chimney and chop your head off.
-A paperback of The Way of Kings. Even as a paperback, it makes an excellent bludgeoning instrument. I give it four out of four bloody obsidian axes for its versatility. It's a good book too, I suppose, but if you aren't killing skaa I don't see much point.
-A Mistborn trilogy box set. Maybe you people think it's popular, but this is a package of heinous heresies against the Lord Ruler. Just know that I'm always watching you...
-A Warbreaker paperback. Too colorful, not enough ash. I like the sword, though.
-A signed copy of Elantris. It's in great condition, not even a drop of blood on any of the pages. Which is a rather bizarre cultural taste of Earth's...
-A full set of the cosmere: Elantris, the Mistborn Trilogy, Warbreaker, and the Way of Kings. I decided not to include Alloy of Law because it is full of even more traitorous lies!
-A set of the four Alcatraz books--Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia, and Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens. These are more "funny" books, I suppose. Judging from the titles, it looks like Alcatraz fights a lot of people. It's probably not arena-style deathmatch, though... Wait, Alcatraz is on this world? Excellent. I know exactly how to cheer myself up now.

An hour later...

Alcatraz Smedry! Feel the wrath of the Lord Ruler! Wait what are you--

OW LORD RULER HE BROKE MY EYE-SPIKE! WHO EVEN DOES THAT THAT ISN'T EVEN RIGHT!

*pant pant* That's fine, I'll just send him an axe he can't refuse...

What? I'm being informed I can't send a bloody axe through the postal system. Your governments are an abomination to the Lord Ruler. I'm going back to Scadrial to kill some half-breeds now. Bye.

17th Shard's notes:

*Void where prohibited, which is pretty much everywhere except Final Empire, since, uh, it's illegal to stab people's skulls with huge metal spikes. Or anywhere else on the body, for that matter.
**You aren't going to be stabbed. Really.
***We're kidding about the void thing. We'll send the prizes everywhere, even internationally!

To enter, just comment below, and you'll get a chance to win any one of these great prizes. Double entries are not permitted. The contest will end Tuesday, December 6th at noon MST. We hope to get prizes out as soon as possible, before Christmas (Amazon Prime should help with that!) but we should warn you that, if you are international, they may not come in time. We will see when we get there.

Happy holidays, and remember to not kiss under the giant steel spike over your head. That'd just be irresponsible.
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477 Comments

Comment here?
    • 2
Does a sardonic comment get me any brownie points?
    • 0
Yes, just comment here.
    • 0
I comment thee on your efforts? I guess.
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Ooooh any of these would be great christmas presents!
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Oh, Santa, what big eye-spikes you have!
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The better to allomantically sense you with my dear!
I love the tone of Inquisitor Santa. He should be canon.
    • 1
This is just the physical realm shadow of an awesome comment made in the cognitive realm.
Commenting before, hope gains hope, before commenting.
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This is awesome! I'd love any of these prize!!! It's great how 17th Shard is so active with all the the interviews, giveaways, and whatnot. :D
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This comment is in fact a meta comment which comments upon the fact that this comment is commenting upon this comment.

It is more important to comment upon the comment than to know what the comment will be.
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I suppose he could always get some chulls for reindeer, though I imagine they'd be slow...

unless you coated the shells with metal? Now that's a terrifying prospect.
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Woohoo, an awesome prize pack. I has a happy, now!
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Back in my day, we made the naughty kids go outside and make their own obsidian axe.
    • 4
Aaaahhh...too late...you all already outdid me...I'lll win anyway :-P
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Forming keteks, my present intent, it is completed; is it intentional, presently my ketek forms.

(Wow, real keteks are hard, 5 sections, palindromic, AND grammatically correct. Any 2/3 of those wouldn't be so bad, but...wow.)
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IN THE NAME OF LORD RULER, THIS WILL BE MINE!!! :P

I feel a distinct lack of Inquisitor Emoticon in this site, whoever.
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Inquisitor Santa is Inquisitorial? COOL!!!!


and loud... I think there's blood coming out of my ears
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What did I say last contest? That I didn't want Hemalurgic spikes.
What am I doing now? Entering a contest for spikes *ahem* prizes.

Also, is Davinna writing this? Wait-I have an idea.
Inquisitor Santa, do you like waffles?
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Comment entered!

Can Inquisitor Santa come to my house? I have a feeling he'd be a very effective motivator for certain spouses (who shall remain unnamed) who are in year 2 of procrastination in the arena of ginormous bookshelf building. He might could assist me with some reluctant toy picker-uppers who shelter beneath my benevolent hand...

Aforementioned bookshelves would be an excellent place to house any of the shelvable items on the shiny list of spikes :D

Contests! Yippee!
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I would not mind one of those axes as well.
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This took a while... but.

On the twelth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
1 World-singer in the Cosmere
2 Mistborn
3 BioChroma Breaths
4 Mistings a scheming
5 Diamond Gemstones
6 Shardblades a slashing
7 Returned Awakening
8 Allomatic Metals
9 Koloss afronting
10 Hearalds Oathpacting
11 Kandra under contract
12 Aons a casting
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Obligatory comment. Kehehe.
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I would really love to win any of these great prizes. If Inquisitor Santa doesn't get me, that is. But I'll gladly take that risk and demonstrationally hereby leave a comment.
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Christmas comes but once a year!
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1st I would like to say that the prizes are very nice,
2nd I would like to thank you for shipping internationally.

I hope I win.
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