Robinski

Yeah, I was certainly conscious of that, and in a way that's a good sign, I suppose? Yeah, I'd love to, but I'll be honest, I couldn't give it any kind of time ATM. Never any need to be embarrassed about that. It's all other eyes. I can't crit a piece without mentioning that sort of stuff, my professional engineer brain won't allow it. And it's all line-level stuff, but is never going to be perfect at this stage. It was definitely a pleasure to read, and not a little coincidental that the form of the action in this part is so very close to what I'm writing in the Moth short story I'm editing for submission to Bill. A thing I think I forget to mention (and I always tend to forget to say more about the positives; sorry!) was that I really felt that tone was evocative of much SF from around the 70s, and I mean that as a compliment. I thought the piece had a strong sense of identity, and a confident sense of place, which I enjoyed. I will defo try and take a look at the next sub, since it's an opening. I think you mini summary is very useful, and probably all that I need.

Okay, here we go. (Not promising to read every submission, but starting at the beginning seems like a very good place to start...) [A while later...] Okay, so I enjoyed lots of things about that read. We don't go deep into the characters, but I did get a decent sense of them as individuals; enough for what I think you've said is a 'prequel' sort of chapter. I think the drama could be dialled up a bit, in terms of stakes for the humans, but also for the 'aliens' (sorry, don't recall their name, if it was given). A few details stuck out for me, which I can't read past with my editor head on; notes below. Interestingly(?), I'm editing a short story of mine at the moment which contains many of the elements present in this submission: cargo bay doors, people doing EVA, dead bodies on 'dead' space ships. So, it was nice to get a different perspective on those components right now. Thanks for submitting! Detailed comments p1 - "dipole" - I don't know what this is; having it in the very first line is quite disorienting. It make me wonder how many readers will instantly be confused. TBF, context gives an idea of what's going on, but I'm progressing into the story with doubts, and I don't think that's a good place to be when first lines are so important. (Even after looking up the meaning of dipole, it still doesn't explain the application to this world, and this situation.) p1 - "There were eight of us in a ring, each with an extra bubble attached behind our own" - again, I do not understand, and I'm now officially struggling to get a solid footing in the story. p1 - Evacuations of what? p2 - There are three instances in the story of "breath" which should read 'breathe' (i.e. nouns that should be verbs). p3 - "peaked my curiosity" > 'piqued my curiosity'. p3 - "Toe jelly!" - they've just spotted some toe jelly?! p3 - "Our usual calm demeanor went tense" - really not fan of this wording, it implies the calm demeanour transformed, but it doesn't; calmness disappears, to be replaced by tension. I guess what I'm saying is I dislike the use of "went", compared to like 'was replaced by' or something like that. p3 - "so everyone turned their heads" - I gather that these are non-human creatures: do they each have multiple heads? Because that is how this is worded. p4 - There are a lot of words (names?) around there that I don't understand, and it becomes clear to me at this point that this sequel is not written to be particularly welcoming to someone who has not read the first book. That's fine, but it does rather hamper my ability to critique it. There is a school of thought, employed by many(?) big trad pub authors (I think) to write sequels in a way that is accessible to first time readers. I've never truly understood that approach in the sense that anyone would knowingly pick up a 'Book 2' and start reading a series there. But, I think writing a sequel as if the reader has not read the previous book provides a kind of 'previously in this series' recap of names, terminology, locations, etc. that most readers would find useful, even having read the previous book. Ultimately, terms like "kl1ba" and "an r1 kl1ba" are quite confusing to me. p5 - "There's more bodies..." - Grammar: 'There are more bodies...' - I know that characters have the right to speak however they want, but having a character use incorrect grammar does alter a reader's perception of that character. If that's what you want, fine, but this came over to me a typo. p5 - "there’s people still alive in there" - grammar again; 'there are people'. As an editor, this sort of thing bugs me. If it served a function in terms of character, fair enough - for example showing a character was lacking education, a street kid, or uneducated docker, whatever, but it doesn't seems to serve any function in this story. p6 - "For all we know,” Id... said, “They they could be..." - Sorry, editor brain won't allow me to read past things like this. Second part of dialogue is part of the same sentence. p6 - "more air for the rest to breath breathe while waiting" - typo (as noted earlier, p2). p6 - "but the stakes for the people on that ship must have been enough to relax her diaphragm" - It's really only around here that I start to get a real feel for the stakes. When you talked about opening with drama/action/excitement (in medias res) I had thought it would be a bit more immediate in this segment. Not that I wasn't okay with the buildup. Back in the day, I used to not read the post before I read the piece - maybe I should get back to that! Anyway, long way round to saying I think there is room to dial up the drama a bit more - not in a melodramatic way, like "They're all going to die!!!", but possible with the urgency starting to appear a bit earlier in the piece. p6 - "it just rolled off the the dock on its" - typo. p7 - "several of them have concentrations of lead in their bodies that is not natural to their species" - plural / singular disagreement. p7 - "to bring on serious insane behavior" - not keen on the language here; what does non-serious insane behaviour look like? Also, the word 'insanity' is pretty outmoded, post Victorian times. p8 - "but most of the people aren’t. Dies of explosive decompression" - grammar off here, and I think it's just a typo... 'Died...'? p8 - "safest if only one of us went in to begin with..." - After reading this line, I was then confused when they formed up into a line to approach the ship together. I thought the intent of this statement was that only one bubble would approach the ship. So, I guess there is a (minor) lack of clarity about what "went in" is referring to. p8 - "took the standard electrical meter from the little toolbox ... and placed on the ... hull beside the door" - It seems that the meter is used to open the door, which made my engineer stop and frown (I guess). The purpose of a meter is to measure a given metric or property, but this meter does not seem to do that, it seems to open doors. To me, that suggests a different type of machine. I can't help thing this reads like someone opening a window with a Gieger counter (for example). p9 - "I helped her take the field generator [...] shut hers off." - I don't find this sentence terribly clear in terms of being able to visualise what's happening. p9 - Also, it weirds me out that a door in the hull gives entry into a corridor, although it is described as an airlock. I think some reference to the inner door of the airlock would be useful here. Also, what happened to the proposal for only one person to go in? Looking back, I realise that the dialogue suggesting one person enter doesn't seem to be attributed to a particular character - so I'm not sure who said that, but that good advice seems to be ignored when they all go to the ship then more than one goes in. p10 - "looked at each other awkwardly for a couple minutes" - Should that not be a couple of zins? Also, a couple of minutes is a looooong time to be just looking at another person - for humans, certainly. p10 - "What do we do if no one answers?" - Can they not just use the same 'meter' to open the internal door as they did the outer one? Perhaps they can, but they are concerned about letter the atmosphere escape? p10 - "There’s people moving in there" - 'There are people' - no really, not correct grammar p10 - "I saw it on one of those movies the Humans love so much" - This doesn't feel in tune with the tone of the story; I'm afraid I found it a bit disorienting, and rather flippant in what is supposed to be a serious situation? I totally get the whole point of levity at a moment of high stress (I mean, whole franchises are constructed on that style/trope, of course), but I have felt the tone of this has been quite serious from the story, and so this felt a bit anachronistic, to me anyway. Also, is it Close Encounters? I struggle with the notion of knocking on a door producing something identifiable as a single note, but I think I am probably overthinking that. AH! No, but, "A Shave And A Hair-Cut" is six notes, with two answering, 'haircut' being two syllables.

Interesting proposition, and not something that I think about actively in that way, I believe. I think the fiction I enjoy the most tends to incorporate characters with flaws that drive their ambition and motivations, and seeing how they confront those flaws. I think I might struggle to be convinced nowadays by any character that was portrayed as being flawless, in the way that the old style 'white hats' like Tarzan, Buck Rogers, etc. were. But, setting that theory aside, and assuming I'm following a purely good character, I'd be waiting for him (you asked about male characters specifically) to encounter a morale dilemma, something along the lines of the 'trolley (car) problem'; i.e. do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (or even the one)? I suppose what I'm saying is, if someone presents me with a purely good man, I want that author to put him through the wringer, test him to (near) destruction. I figure one thing will break, either the hero's crystal clear conscience, or my suspension of disbelief. UNLESS, the author can find a way to keep both of those intact - I think that is where it could get really interesting. Not sure I even answered the question

Hey! I remember reading this story, and enjoying it a good deal

Well done! I'll admit I've not read a tonne of his work, but Mistborn first trilogy was the one thing I read through, including the fourth book. (Did I read the fifth? I forgot now! I think I own it.) I also read the first of his SF YA series. I like his work fine, but there is som much else I want to read. (p.s. and the last three Wheel of Time books, of course!)

Hey everyone, I think it's been long enough that I should introduce myself, again! I'm Robin (writing as Robin CM Duncan). I joined this group in <gulp> 2013, and was super active for many years, enough to become (assistant) moderator. I wrote two novels through this group (2016/2017), which are now published (2022/2023), and so is the third in my Quirk & Moth series (The Rigel Redemption, 2024, Space Wizard Science Fantasy). Nowadays, I am editorial officer of the British Fantasy Society (1000 members and counting!), editor of their twice-yearly fiction publication BFS Horizons (closed for submissions at present), and producer, co-host and editor of the BFS podcast Long Story Short - currently editing Episode #29, we've been running for just over a year and have talked to some awesome guests including Joe Hill, Nnedi Okorafor, Anna Smith Spark, Adrian Tchaikovsky, and Reading Excuses' very own @Mandamon I'm presently going into edits for Quirk & Moth, Book 4, with two more planned after that. I can't promise to dive into critting; I'm also a member of the Glasgow SF Writers' Circle, and do a lot of critting there, and I'm preparing for several convention appearances in the coming months, BUT, it felt great to log on just now, and I hope to be around to comment, offer support (and maybe some limited feedback/crit), etc. going forward. Robin C.M. Duncan - British Fantasy Society, Editorial Officer BFS Horizons, editor (details here) BFS Long Story Short Podcast, co-host and producer (listen here) author website (https://robincmduncan.com)

Thanks for the comments @Silk and @Ace of Hearts, I really appreciate them, and to @Demiurgess for commenting offline by tracking and emailing the file. And, as ever, to @Mandamon. These comments are all really good stuff, and I strongly suspect I'll take almost all of them into the update draft. There will be a delay in that draft though, as I have to set this aside in order to finished Draft 1 of Book 3 first, before coming back to this in a week or two. Thanks to everyone who read. It's been super helpful to be back in the fold

Hey there In summary, I enjoyed the action, but found a lot of it confusing and a bit underwhelming because of the lack of description, and how easily the creatures were defeated (lack of peril). The bit around A’s fight with the wolves was good, and I felt a little peril there, but it was over quickly. Also, I forgot why they have come to the island, and I think a callback to that would be useful, to give context on the relationship between the squad and the locals. Detail I’m pleased to encounter some action in this sub, and it is exciting, but I don’t feel as much peril as I would like. I never felt like A’s and her soldiers were in any danger. In large part I think this is because there is little description of the attacking monsters, how many they are, what they are attacking. It would be good to feel that they were some kind of threat, perhaps by getting some description of them destroying something on the beach, or even killing, or at least chasing some locals. I find the combat a bit tactically simplistic. Soldiers running around on the beach while troops fire from the wall over (relatively) large distances is a recipe for the foot soldiers being cut down by friendly fire. Also, I feel I’m lacking blocking on both the island and (as above) the attackers, but it’s hard to understand how the fight is working. Then, A charges into the wolves while the soldiers on the wall are shooting them. Those soldiers have no way to know she’s going to charge, so the chances of her being shot be they are really high. I also don’t understand the scale of the place, and the (lack of) description doesn’t help me. It’s said that A is quarter of the way around the island, but the soldier can still hit her target from the wall? What about hills, trees, other obstacles? The distances don’t add up. If that island is so small she can cover quarter of it that quickly, it can’t possibly produce enough food to feed its population. The swear from A during the combat is way out of character based on what I’ve read, and seems really off tone for the story (the bit I’ve read). I continue to struggle with feeling any peril, because the monsters are defeated so easily, and the lack of description of them undermines peril too. Without peril it’s hard to invest in the character stakes. Referring to a horde of monsters isn’t enough to convey their numbers or the danger they represent. The wolf fight was pretty good, but I need to feel the same thing for the fight as a whole. And as I think I mentioned on the last sub, the lack of description of sounds, sensations, “A tossed a boomerang up to one of the guards” – but she is quarter of the way around the island?! And there’s no indication that she moved because she’s still with the boy. I just can’t put the blocking of events together in my head. (Further details in emails file.)

Well, if life can be a sentence... Okay, I just meant in the corner of the room/building/walls. I'll review further. Thanks!

Check - clarified that it's each. Check. Done. Check. Yeah, he's just aggregating the increases. So, with them having an hour each, he and S get an extra 30 mins when he kills L, but when he kills S he has 2 hours more than he started with before he killed anyone. Reworded, thanks Check. Check! I mean, it would help if I got her cousin's name right after two books: it's M as in Super M, not M as in M Polo - Also, yeah, clarified the line... by making it longer, obviously Furthermore, I love the interpretation of this comment that implies TMM is nothing but massive run-on sentences Clarified. She'd supposed to be looking at her brother who's urging there to ask if M's coming on the exercise. Probably doesn't really come out, but I've clarified. Check. Dropped the italics and reworded slightly to put it in int-monologue narrative. Totally fair, it's not clear. Mandamon called it too. I've changed to 'slouched', can you slouch when sitting? I think you can. Yeah, but I figured it was on-brand. - I'm beyond saving, really. Have reworded. It was intentional. Maybe should have hyphenated 'serious-face', but now changed. It's a drill. Changed 'rescue' to 'retrieve'. Check. Good point. I'll review that as I read through. Check. Muah ha-hah Check. Have closed this circle. I'll look into this in the edit. I take your point Yeah, I think I will need to clarify that, as others have raised it. Check. Noted these things for review in the full edit Super Yup, that's reworded slightly after Mandamon calling it. He doesn't. Yeah, noted. One of my major actions now is (of course) to streamline the first half so we can get into the second half faster. Great comments. Much appreciated. This will really help to uplift the story. Thanks!! [Blargh! Why does 'it' merge comments?! Is there a way to stop it doing that?] ...and thanks too to @Demiurgess for her comments by email!

Great stuff. Many thanks! I'll come back and respond in detail once I can review with the file in front of me

The Lost Chord is dissonant, and I reject it! (Haven't been on it in ages, but still mean to go back and check my contact list before deleting the app.)

Thank you once again for those excellent comments. I've now been through them in detail in the document and marked it up for the edit, and there is such a lot of valuable perspective there, it's going to be really helpful in aiding me to probably compress the first 'half' of the story, cut out unnecessary stuff, and see if I can weave more tension through it to carry the reader to the more immersive (I think) sharp end of the story. Really great stuff Thank you so much for your comments, @Silk, which I just know will challenge the story in all the best ways! I'll respond in detail shortly

Thank you for the context! Yes, these are all things that I would of course have known if I'd been reading from the start I will certainly be reading this week, and it will be very useful to have this guidance. Thanks for your continued patience with me "bumbling around" in around in your story! Elon has discovered the lost chord!!!

Hey, everyone, Really appreciate any eyes on this, and apologies again for the length. If it's any consolation, 200 words of that is title and section headers Many thanks for any and all comments! Robin CM Duncan (Robinski)