manaheim

I did not get this one for some reason. Can I PM you with my email address and have you send it to me?

I'd like to submit my chapter 2 if there's still room. Thanks!

First, I was definitely interested in the story. Even being as late as I am coming into this, I was able to follow along and get enough of the world elements to be able to understand what was going on. I agree with the prior comments about pacing and trimming. I think some of this is related to the amount of detail you're giving us in the fights. The guy shooting both pistols, one at a time, then slamming them into his belt to reload, etc. Something else to consider here is that in many cases what is interesting about the fights is how people were feeling and reacting, and less of the cinematic re-telling of a fight scene. In other words, when I watch the Matrix, I love to see Neo shoot up the lobby and everyone in it. But when I'm reading about it, I'd rather be in the character's head. I also think the overlapping times when switching the POV contributes somewhat to the pacing issues. Also the frequency of the POV changes introduces some challenges where I am having to re-orient myself to a new character very quickly and frequently. In the last Jester POV, you actually wound up recounting most of the fight from the Jester's POV, but didn't really give us a lot in the way of new information. There were also a number of moments where I felt like you were trying too hard to interject some extra information. Someone made the maid and butler comment earlier. I also wonder where this is the latter part of your book, how some of this information isn't already known to the reader. The bit about "Jaime had trained himself to follow two conversations..." was one example that stood out for me. It knocked me out of the story. I grind my teeth over saying anything about this, but I also wanted to call out some originality questions. "The Multiverse" struck me as something that we've heard a lot in the past decade or so, and it jarred me every time I read it. Also the "slow entry shield" thing has been done quite a lot. They're both cool ideas, but I worry about seeing them in anything new. There's a whole lot of interesting stuff going on in there. Some sort of wild assassin thing that dresses like a jester, robots, evidently a woman made out of dark matter...? Very cool stuff. I'm looking forward to reading more. I hope my comments are helpful.

I can send it to you if you like. I have your email from your submission. (which I am 1/2 way through, btw)

I hope responding to comments with a bit more detail isn't considered gauche... let me know if so. "She was a woman after all". Ugh, that was a recent addition during one of my edits. I hadn't considered the chauvinistic elements. Great point. These are all such wonderful comments. Thank you all so much. When I started this I was trying to make clear that she was interested in him, so I wanted that to feel real, and I think I just pushed it way too hard. I can totally see the romance vs fantasy thing, and that's a big problem. I've spent an hour or so going over this and have cut down that one crazy paragraph with all the purple prose, tightened up the part with Seth talking to the barista, pulling out some of the internal dialogue, toning down her being so over the top into him, etc. I'm now going to spend some time replacing some of that with a bit more information about what she's up to, her Dad, etc. I don't want to get too much of that in there or I'll wind up swinging in the other direction, but I definitely see some opportunities for layering in some items. Again, thank you all so much!

Wow, these are wonderfully helpful comments, folks. You highlighted some areas that I now realize were bugging me... and I couldn't put a finger on why. I've got some thinking to do and then I'll launch back into this one. Thank you!

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

I'd like to join up if I can. Would be happy to start reading this week. Looking forward to it. I did PM silk but figured I'd raise my hand in here too.

Ah that's too bad. Well, there's always the future.

ALL of them? No. I've been alternating between his and various other people (like Dan and Mary) :-) I've read the Mistborn series, and it was The Way of Kings that got me interested enough in Brandon to start looking into him more. Thus how I found Writing Excuses. Thanks on my book. What are you working on, if I may ask? ha, thanks. Getting through the first one was TOUGH. Took me almost a year to get it down. The second one I found went MUCH faster. And again, a ton of credit for that needs to go to W.E. What are you working on?

Hi all. Finally signed up. I'm a "fan" (hate saying that) of Brandon and his work. Also a regular listener to writing excuses, and an aspiring author. I'm working on my second book now (neither is published). It's about a woman who, upon her death, finds herself conscripted as the angelic assassin of God. Sort of bizarre, I admit, but it's pretty cool. Anyway, just saying hello. Glad to be here! Oh, and really looking forward to 3/6. :-)