Comatose

Teleportation Question for Stormgate: If something is only partially in darkness, what is the effect? How much of something (esp people) need to be in darkness to teleport the whole thing/person? RE: Weather Manipulation - Generally, what are the limits of his power? I'm curious to see what he cannot do, and where the line is. Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS (to everyone who celebrates Christmas), and Happy 'Holiday of your Choice' to everyone who celebrated another holiday today, or some time in the near past or future !

Thanks for these! RE: thoughts and dialogue - I'll keep an out for this. Since I'm writing third person limited, I guess I assumed it would be clear that everything was from Naiyu's viewpoint, and all thoughts would be Naiyu's, and that it would be clear that including Naiyu's responses to some dialogue would not be too confusing. Still, it's always good to be extra certain, especially with dialogue, so thanks for pointing this out. Thanks for sharing your preference. There were no Spirits in the prologue, so this is the first you are seeing of them. I'll hold off giving exposition about Naiyu's interaction with them, and save that for future chapters. If you would like to check out the prologue, just let me know and I can send it off to you .

Technically, it's not clear any of Straff's children besides Elend would have been named 'Venture' because of their illegitimacy, though nothing would have stopped them from claiming it later. Also, the Ventures are a fairly old family, so Straff also had cousins, uncles, aunts, etc, all of whom could have had descendants live to the present day. Keep in mind, the Ventures got out of Luthadel before the rebellion, and Vin only had to kill Straff and some of his generals before getting the troops to surrender. Assuming many Ventures would have accompanied Straff back to Luthadel, lots of them would have escaped the Citizen's purge of nobles in Urteau, so those that survived the seige of Luthadel would have only had the end of the world to deal with. We know for certain Straff at least had a legitimate Venture nephew (who he intended to name as heir if Shan managed to kill Elend), and we never hear what happens to him, so maybe Douglas is his descendant? I mean, the Tekiels have made a com back despite the ruling branch being slaughtered by its rivals in Book 1, so it makes sense that the Ventures have as well.

Thanks so much! RE: Naiyu and the Spirit's Blood - I worried that Kimerak was convincing her too easily as well. How I eventually rationalized it for myself is that Naiyu at this point has a weak spot for spirits (she spends more time playing with Inah than with human children). Even though she's been warned by Gorgo and Inah, Naiyu is not the most cautious child, and Kimerak's words are enough to reassure her. I usually try to let my characters drive the plot, rather than the other way around, and I feel like this is in character for Naiyu at this point, even if it would not make sense for other characters. That said, please keep flagging moments like this where the plot seems to be undermining characterization, as that is definitely something I want to avoid. Glad to hear the ambiguity of Kimerak's moral alignment is working out. RE: Extra words - guilty as charged, haha. Keep flagging these please!

I'm running low on time today, and from the line edits you've already received it seems like you are going to be doing some revisions, so I'll stick to general impressions. It was good to get back into this story. I was sorry to miss the middle, but I'm glad I could get back into things before it is over. I noticed a lot of metaphors in these two chapters ('like a lighthouse', 'if he was a wolf' and ''like a firework left unattended' for example). On their own, they work fine, but too much repetition can lessen the impact. Jumping off of an earlier comment, try to change up how you describe things. A consistent tone is good, but variety is your friend. If this is just a quirk of how Stephanie thinks (I haven't read from her POV before), then you can probably disregard this. During the texting, try to keep in mind what texting entails, and the situation the characters are in. Usually text messages are short and sweet, because most people find typing long ones to be annoying. Removing unnecessary words will increase the urgency of the scene, and make the dialogue more believable. I don't have the context to properly critique characterization perhaps, but <spoiler> is coming across as textbook villain to me, bordering on cliche. Focusing a bit more on who he is as an individual, rather than the role he is serving would help, I think. You use a lot of adverbs to the describe the action. Some of this is well done, but remember to try not to repeat yourself too much. When you do your edits, try to flag when you are using adverbs, and ask yourself what each one is adding to the scene. If the answer is 'not much,' get rid of it. There are words missing here and there, especially in your action scenes. Once your edits are done, try reading through things out loud. I've found this is a good way to check it out. The pacing was generally quite good, and it seems like the story is reaching a climax. Hopefully I'll be able to read more.

General Impressions: I liked these chapters a lot! You did a good job of establishing the differences between the modern era, and whenever the flashbacks are from. I also really like the interaction with Scrios, both in the flashbacks, and at the end of the chapter. I'm also enjoying seeing some of Hellas's flaws. One thing I worry about is all the different sorts of information we are getting here. We are learning about what Heaven is like (necessary since this is the first chapter and Hellas is about to leave), and then also learning about this time before heaven, and then ALSO learning about the middle kingdoms a little bit. I enjoyed it all, but it was a lot to take in. A lot of the explanation is also occurring mostly in Hellas's head (he doesn't do a lot of interacting). With this in mind, I'm glad you were able to start explaining the magic in the prologue, since it helped to spread things out a little. To play of an earlier suggestion about showing Hellas drunk, what would you think of starting with a 'Hellas is out on the town drinking' scene? Show us his flaws, and maybe get some of the heaven explanation out of the way, so you don't need to cram it all in as he is leaving. You could even slip some exposition in during his conversation with his drinking companions (or whoever the 'criminal element' is). The prison and trial scene were both well done in my opinion. For the forest scene, I'm a little confused about how Hellas's actions are helping to fight Lucifer. At first I thought it was a more of a "disatisfaction with the system/ptsd' kind of rebellion, so this really came out of nowhere for me. More explanation is needed. I'm definitely curious about what Lucifer has been up to these last few years (maybe that's to come?). Now for the flashbacks generally: I really liked them, but they also seemed out of place. There was a lot of dissonance between the feel of the flashbacks and that of the chapters and the prologue. I'm not sure how to fix this (especially since the Scrios introduction is pretty important), but if you could space them out a little, I think that would be good. Here's the line edit. Most of these were probably flagged already, but here they are anyways. Let me know if this isn't useful. Line Edit: Page 2: - "sapphire spider web" - While the imagery is nice, you already use jewel tones a lot when describing the eyes of the angels. I think the effect you are going for is undermined when these words are over used. You already describe the canals as "glistening" so maybe you could use a different 'blue' word instead of sapphire? Page 3: -"widehis" - need a space here. Page 4: -"security was still incredibly tight around the Temple" - nice to see a response to the events in the prologue. One thing to be changed is that you use "the Temple" twice in this sentence. You could probably just end with "security was still incredibly tight". - "kneading at the deep marks where the tight handcuffs had buried into his skin" - The cuffs came off? I missed this. Page 12: "Such a stupid name for magic" - nice exposition here. I was waiting for this. Page 16: - "Scrios could emphasize with the boy" - slipping out of Hellas's POV again it seems. Great work! Can't wait to see more!

Thanks for the feedback, and for the note about pronoun use. I will definitely look out for that in future chapters, and during edits.

I will probably have time to start running House Elariel again come January, but I will let you know for certain closer to the date. Also, if there are 100 years between each generation, am I correct that we are half way to the events of the series? Will the game be ending there, or continue on?

Congratulations from me as well! That is so incredibly exciting!!!!

Thanks for the feedback! 1) For time period, I was referring to the time in Naiyu's life, relative to the prologue (so earlier childhood vs adulthood), not the analagous earth time period. To your credit, you did get the analagous time period mostly right, though this world does have some key differences (especially when you begin to travel to other regions). The area where Naiyu grew up, and where the first chapter is based, is a little backwards compared to more modern parts of the world. 2) Glad it worked! 4) Glad to see you are wondering this. I thought it would be fun to make it a little ambiguous. More from Inah in the next chapter. Thanks for the observations on Kimerak as well. 5) Thanks for these .

Whew, I made it in! Now back to finals. I'm done with tests on Wednesday, so expect my critiques to come later in the week this time around.

It's still Monday right? I didn't have as much time as I would like to work on this one, so it may be a little rough. Preparing the Emperor's Tea is intended to be a novella, and I'm shooting for around 25,000 - 40,000 words. It's a prequel to a larger project I'm working on, but I'm hoping for it to stand on its own. I'm going for a twist on ah coming of age story, focusing on the life of a servant and her relationships to the 'important' noble folk she serves. The prologue is a flash-forward, in which Naiyu gets the opportunity to serve tea to the Emperor. Chapter One starts with Naiyu as a child. I intend to further the future story line in interludes in between parts, and then finish up in the final part of the book. So, in the prologue, we see Naiyu prepare and then serve tea to the Emperor and his two sons. The emperor and his sons are having a serious discussion about killing "the boy". This discussion is interrupted when the Emperor dies suddenly shortly after drinking Naiyu's tea. In Chapter One, we have Naiyu as a child playing with her friend Inah. Things I particularly want help with: (1) I didn't include a time marker ('X Years Ago'). Is the current time period relative to the prologue clear? If not, any suggestions on how to make it clearer? I don't want to make the passage of time explicit in the story for stylistic reasons, but let me know if you think an explicit time frame is necessary, or if you have some intermediary measure to suggest. (2) The tone in this chapter is very different from the tone in the prologue (mostly because of the different location and the age of the viewpoint character). Does this shift and tone work? If not, do you have any suggestions? (3) This is still early in the process for me, so full line-edits aren't necessary, but if you see a particularly egregious typo, a common error that keeps popping up, or just want to do a line edit, feel free. (4) Comments on the characterization of Child!Naiyu, Inah, and Kimerak. (5) What promises am I making? Thanks folks! Enjoy reading.

Hey all, my time is coming back to me. I think I'll be able to submit next Monday (the 14th) if there is still room (which it seems there is). Will that be all right?

As an aside, my understanding of biblical studies is that the whole concept and characterization of the devil is largely extra-biblical, and what is in there is much more vague. General Impressions: I found it interesting that you chose to emphasize the human rather than the alien in the angels, having them sweat and speak like humans and experience very human emotions and responses. A neat twist on the archetype, and an interesting contrast with their inhuman appearances (including the jewel-tone eyes). I'm confused about why Michael was so hard to convince when Hellas went to see him. After three millenia of peace, shouldn't the idea of war be reason enough to get out of bed? Do they have many false alarms? If you want to add a little more variety to the prose, I'd suggest watching where you use dialogue tags, and watch for repetitive sentence structure when you are describing actions the characters perform during the fight sequences. I'm definitely interested in learning more about the magic system, the differences between the different angelic beings, and in what happens to Hellas after he is arrested. I'm also confused about why Hellas needs Michael to help fight when it seems from the prose that Hellas is more powerful, regardless of rank. A greater explanation about why Michael is so powerful might help. All right, here are my line-by-line notes! I wrote them out as I went along. They are just quick jot notes, so sorry if they come across as harsh, and please ask if they do not make sense. Also, keep in mind that in the case of line-edits, silences are compliments . After I was done, I tried to take out any that were dealt with later in the story, but I might have missed some. I think I got all the page numbers corect. I hope they help: Page 1: "Hellas" - I know the name is likely significant, and you probably don't want to change it, but having a character named 'Hellas' in a story that talks about 'hell' a lot might get confusing for a reader. At the very least, it might be something to be aware of when you are structuring your sentences. "His guard turned and continued . . ." - His guard? Should this be 'His guide'? ". . . ovoid opening in the blackness. Even from the inside of the Void . . ." - This is another word similarity thing: 'ovoid' and 'Void' are a little close together for my taste, but this is mostly a stylistic thing, so there's no need to change it. "We're here,' his escort said." - I don't think that the dialogue tag is needed. With only two people, one of whom does not know where they are going, I think it is clear enough who is speaking, and "We're here" by itself will have more impact, I think. Page 2: "Rather than reply, the guide silently led Hellas to a nearby dirt mound, atop which stood two more humans." - I think that "a nearby dirt mound where two humans stood" might flow better here. "'Fore,' he shouted, as he swung is club - The 'he' is ambiguous here. To avoid unnecessary dialogue tags, you could try something like "'Fore!' The human swung his club." I think something like this would be more clear. "I still don't understand why you brought me here?" - This should be a period in my mind. Asking this as a question doesn't sound right. Page 3: "He could not mention the voices . . ." For this paragraph you seem to shift into Lucifer's point of view. Are you intending to shift here, or to write in the omniscient? If you are intending to limit your prose to Hellas's POV, this paragraph should be changed. Page 5: "battle simulations reports" - "battle simulation reports", "battle simulations' reports", or "battle simulation's reports"? You could also do something like "looking over the reports from the battle simulations". Page 6: "only fought once in her three hundred year career. That said, three thousand years of peace was probably a good problem to have" - If she's fought once within three hundred years, how could there have been 3000 of peace? is this a typo? "He dragger" - "He dragged". Page 10: "A brown run" - "A brown rune"? Page 13: "motley collection of farmer and craftsmen" - "motley collection of farmers and craftsmen. "showing his enemy with dirt and dust" - "showering his enemy with dirt and dust".

Ethereaon's party buddy's name is Slaughterine. I haven't defined her powers yet, but you are welcome to use her

Sleazy cop, Sexy Cop? Or maybe Sleazy Cop, Sleazier Cop? Pervy Cop and Sexually and Emotionally Exploitative Cop?

Introducing: Detective Shiny Sparkle, and her deputy, Deathwish: Sparkle and Deathwish approach their new suspect; an attractive woman in her mid-twenties. DW: [something offensive, accompanied with a request that the young woman remove her clothing, and a boast about DW's prowess in the bedroom] DSS: I'm sorry for the behavour of my deputy ma'am. If it's any consolation, he's a pervy slontze in general, so it's not just you he's singling out. Deathwish! Your overall skeeziness is undermining this investigation. Do something useful and take a fly around the town. I'll radio you when I'm finished here. DW: [grumbles about Shiny Sparkle, makes vague reference to Sparklesplosion incident in Vondra's office]. Deathwish leaves. Suspect: Thank-you Miss. That Deathwish is just... DSS: That's Detective Shiny Sparkle to you! Now be a dear and remove your top. Suspect: What? DSS: You heard me! Full strip searches are a mandatory part of the job, so let's get a move on. Let me know if the search is making you uncomfortable, though. I'm happy to offer sparkly cuddles, or start stripping myself, if that will help. Anything to make things more enjoyable . End Scene.

If I'm unable to keep up at certain, we could also throw in some false trails for Shiny to follow. There's enough chaos in the Dalles at the moment that it's probably going to be tough to discern what is Taylor's doing, and what is just the after effects of the Panda or Quicksilver attacks. That being said, I'm definitely interested in integrating Taylor into the plot more, so I would love for her to have more stuff to do .

In my head he found some place to sleep last night after getting away from Prankster, and is now wandering the city, completely lost, and kind of miserable, haha. She couldn't tell who the shapershifter is, but she would be able to track suspicious activity by receiving reports and then teleporting to the scene? If the idea doesn't work that's fine, but I figured it could be fun, haha. It could be a good way for Vondra to test her patience and discipline?

What about a non-combat task that makes use of her teleportation power? Some of the corpses Taylor Swift has left behind should probably have been discovered by now (especially the ones from yesterday). With her attack on the van, and the killing of the that captain (or whatever he was) there might be enough to deduce there might be a rogue epic in town. Once she's done with the pandas, Vondra coudl get Shiny to search the city with teleportation. She's powerful enough that he wouldn't be worried about risking her going up against an epic of unknown strength, and the search could be fun. EDIT: Since he came in with the group who was attacked, maybe Shiny could track down Brandon? I have a feeling that interaction could be fun.

It's the bay Elendel is built around, and the gateway from the city to the Sea of Yomend. Also, it's named after Ham. That's about all I know about it. Others feel free to chime in.

You could probably do the majority of the mistborn cast using Game of Thrones actors (looking at frequent previous suggestions). Let's see if I can do it: Vin - Maise Williams (Arya) or Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) Kelsier- Nicholai Castor Waldau (who I see is mis-tagged as Bradley Cooper above). Dockson - Aiden Gillen (Petyr Baelish) - Dockson is described as short, isn't he? I think Jason Momoa would be way too tall. Ham - Jason Momoa (Khal Drogo)- He's about the right age and has the right physique? Breeze - Alexander Siddig (Doran Martell) - personally, I think I would prefer Aiden Gillen in this role, but he's kind of skinny for Breeze. Not really happy with this choice, but running out of options. Clubs - Jonathan Pryce (High Sparrow) Spook - Thomas Brodie Sangster (Jojen Reed) Elend Finn Jones (Loras Tyrell) - He's got the curly brown hair down at least. Perhaps too pretty for Elend, but romantic leads in movies are usually prettier than they should be. Sazed - Conleth Hill (Lord Varys) - He's a Eunuch in GoT, why not in MB? Marsh - Maybe Iain Glen (Jorah Mormont)? Not totally happy with this one either, but we are running out of options. TLR - Kit Harington (Jon Snow) - I find this choice interesting, but TLR is supposed to look surprisingly young, early twenties-ish, and Kit Harington has that pretty boy thing which I think would work. Also, TLR doesn't need much expression, so there's a win too, haha. Shan Elariel - Natalie Dormer (Margery Tyrell) Allrianne Cett - Rose Leslie (Ygritte) - when I've seen her in interviews, she's definitely got that bubbly energy. Zane - Richard Madden (Robb Stark) OR Iwan Rheon (Ramsay Snow) Straff Venture - Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister) certainly fits the bill persona-wise, though his colouring is wrong. I suppose that's what hair dye and wigs are for . Tindwyl - Michelle Fairley (Catelyn Stark) Ashweather Cett - Jerom Flynn (Bronn) - This was a random selection, but on further thought I really like it as a choice . Yomen - Liam Cunningham (Davos Seaworth)? I forget how old Yomen is supposed to be. The Citizen - Stephen Dillane (Stannis Baratheon). Belldre - Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) if she's not Vin, or Sophie Turner (Sansa Stark) with dark hair dye/wig. I think the biggest lack is someone to play Breeze, who is one of my favourite characters. If physiology didn't matter, Peter Dinklage (Tyrion) would do an excellent job.

Yes, but he doesn't say how he absorbed OreSeur's body. I'm assuming he would have needed to incapacitate OreSeur in some way, surprise him, or otherwise overpower him in order to accomplish this.

There have been a couple of references to a "God Beyond" in some of the books, which I've interpreted to mean there is some sort of diefic figure above the shards or adonalsium.

It was written in my copy of Alloy of Law at the release party. I asked Brandon to tell us something about the Lord Ruler that we didn't already know. He said: "The Lord Ruler once gave up and tried to end the Final Empire." I'd forgotten that his giving up extended beyond just him ruling, and included ending his empire. Also interesting, Isaac also signed my book, and wrote: "Remember Hammondar Bay". I wonder what the significance of that will be for future Alloy Era books...