aeromancer

@Pagerunner Quick question while I'm processing this stuff. How sure are you that ettmetal follows the structure of Cesium, and not any other alkali metal? Most likely it's not Francium, but suppose it is actually a stable version of element 119? (Which means that the metals are Pr / Nd?)

The suspense buildup is good, up until page three. The ‘demise’ italic paragraph feels a bit out of place, and kills the buildup. It may be better suited for much latter in the story, or you might want to take it out entirely. The starting buildup gave me the impression of S being a sole survivor. I did enjoy the twist. (Mostly...) WARNING: The following rant is from a hard sci-fi fan. The sci-fi aspect of it … it’s very Twilight Zone, but I fail to see where this x-tech came from if humans were indeed the superior race, or the potential repercussions thereof. I also have no idea how you’d build human to have the memory failsafe, I’m not sure why requiring it to be saved would be a failsafe, I’m not sure how a human mind would be saved. Also, humans can be easily controlled with a natural nutritional deficiency, like say, iodine (barring the idea that they can be genetically programed to have such.) The sense I got was that the sci-fi was just the setting for the plot, and you heavily relied on Clarke's "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." The twist is from the best of Twilight Zone, but the science just isn't there. “the minds of men” (page 1) – This gives a false impression that the progenitors are human.

Subbing today because there's a blank space. Also, I got a lot of responses last week, so feel free to respond to everyone else first. In fact, please do. This is Part II of S&B which gives a taste of the fighting and political games within Scissors & Bows. Mostly fighting. There's a violence tag. S&B is a steampunk/fantasy political thriller (hopefully). S&B is the sequel-of-sorts to an unpublished novel I wrote, which may / may not get published. That means this needs to make sense as a standalone. Abbreviate all character names, please. Looking for thoughts on: Complicated bluff scheme, flow of combat.

Good advice.

I assume no one minds if I step into that last empty spot...?

I wasn't clear enough. I think the ownvoices label should only apply to nonfiction. Not to say that fiction won't be written better by someone with a better perspective (because it will), but at a certain point, fiction's fiction. It might be irresponsibly insensitive fiction, but writing your own fictional works to counter that shouldn't receive a label like ownvoices. They're two separate people. They each prefer their own pronoun. Nutshell: The man is fighting someone and he keeps swapping in and out of control with his bodyjacking sister so that they can use two separate styles of combat. So, in a single paragraph, there's two separate consciousnesses switching off. Kaisa's idea works better, but it still gets a bit muddles.

And here I thought you were just a really big fan of Asimov's The Gods Themselves... On a more serious note, I would only apply the 'ownvoices' tag to someone who experienced whatever they are writing, as I understand the term. I'm not convince that any fiction should be considered 'ownvoices', if 'ownvoices' refers to the proper standpoint on what to write about topics. Otherwise, fiction is fiction. I can name a hundred topics I can't have a realistic viewpoint on, but I don't have a realistic viewpoint on a sword-wielding magical protagonist. A sufficiently good fiction author should have the toolkit to write behind any fictional character - but acknowledge that it's fiction. If you feel the need to express your view from your perspective - do it! Nothing bad happens when viewpoints are shared. But please, don't make things up and express it through someone you aren't. I have a strong view on this, but I have a good reason for having it. Lighter note: So, if I hypothetically have a male character that gets bodyjacked by his sister, but they switch off pretty often. What pronoun do I use? Currently using the pronoun of whichever one's in charge, because there's no way I'm using it.

As long as we're bringing up names, the sole problem I have a problem with a the feminist movement is the name they picked. Words have power, and must be formed accordingly. Feminism is a bad word for the modern climate. I’ll repeat that, a bit stronger. Feminism, when used in reference to the equality between men and women is a horrible term. This is because feminism comes from ‘female’, meaning a movement labeled as Feminism is one solely focused on women. Feminism is a good name for the "radical feminist" movement. Feminism is a good name for a movement granting full equal rights to women that they did not previously have, such as the movements in the early 1900s. Neither the case here. Calling yourself a "feminism" and then saying you support equal rights labels implies the status quo as chauvinism, which it is not. If you wish to start a movement championing the quality of genders, please call something gender-neutral.

Thanks for the response, @Mandamon and @Vreeah. I've already addressed a bunch of points, but you've touched on some things no one else has, so I'll address it. F's name is very intentional, he chose it himself. [The backstory is that his name was just straight up 'Four Rings' until K forced him to change it. F doesn't see the need to have an arbitrary grouping of letters as something to identify yourself with, and would rather be named after something he did.]. Yes, every member of the crew are self-aware to some degree, I would say that F is the highest, S is the lowest.

Speaking of ... I recently (last week) had to name a weapon as a 'Rotatory Rifle-Cannon' instead of Gatling gun (because there is no Dr. Gatling in my world). I follow the basic principle of 'form & function', which is naming things after what they look like, or do. Gatling gun is Rotatory Rifle Cannon, because it looks like a cannon, and rotates.

I suppose this is more A than YA, as certain main characters don't have morals, and the plot gets thick at times. The ages of the main cast are between 18-23, D is the oldest, S is the youngest (so I'm not sure why S claims he's older than K. He isn't.) N is named, she introduces herself (N is a nickname, actually.) N says she's the mechanic, that's different from piloting. Not all mechanics are pilots. This is not just any wrench. This is an osmium alloy wrench. I mentioned some specs earlier, but I forgot to mention that it's actually harder than diamond and can withstand the temperature of up to 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit. This wrench is to mechanics what starmetal swords are to fantasy protagonists. It's not that N isn't allowed to pilot, it's that K doesn't want her piloting into a potential combat situations because she can't fight. That means a dead mechanic. Point received. My excuse (and it's a bad one) is that this was a test chapter for characters which didn't really undergo edits, which meant that I wrote too much dialogue, not enough description, and ignored stuff that was explained in the precursor novel G&S. There are good descriptions and explanations for a lot of these, just not were they need to be. My thoughts writing this chapter was to have a brief introduction with every character (because the novel throws five at you right off the bat) and I feel I both overloaded information, and wasn't able to put all the necessary information. So, the best approach (I think) is just focus on the settings, and let the characters develop and explain themselves when there are less of them together. I'm glad you like the 'well-balanced crew'. They don't use the ship so much, it's mostly a means of transport, but they do stick together as a team (for the most part).

I really like the covers for Phillip Reeve's Larklight trilogy (the old ones). It's a gauntlet of the protagonists, with several notable objects from the book behind them. This is what I personally do, but I haven't finished any full revamp of the 1st draft yet. I'm halfway through one, and I think it works. It lets you see the full implications of anything you want to change, and what you need to do to have events happen in later parts of the book.

Please do, all I know at this point is a letter needs to be delivered, but wasn't. In terms of swordplay, my problem isn't the time spent practicing so much as her being described as I'm not well versed in how long it takes, but assuming five hours a day practice time 300 days fighting time fifty years is 75,000 hours. That's seven and a half times the ten-thousand hour rule. A should be a swordmaster, perfectly at one with the blade, a master of the craft. That's not really the sense that I got. It's not that big a problem.

TAIG (Thoughts As I Go): The opening paragraph is alternating between a destroyed city, and a window sill. It splits my attention. The couple seems like a potent warrior pair, so I hope there’s a good reason for them not to be fighting. Fifty years dedicated to sword mastery is an awful long time. So, why torture him, instead of killing him outright? Notes: A prologue. I like prologues, it gives you something to figure out during the rest of the book until it is explicitly explained. I can only assume this prologue is in the far past, you may wish to label it as such. I’m confused about the interrogation, is there a reason M wasn’t killed outright? What could he know that could be worth torturing him for? (Also, I have a hard time keeping up with names) Are S & N identical twins? M didn’t recognize them as such, so I assume not. Also, are the twins completely opposite personality-wise? It seems they are

Yes. To me, at least. K doesn't have a diminished mental capacity, and while not being the smartest character in the book, he can easily tell what other people are planning and what traps are coming his way. His tactical sense in battle is excellent as well. He acts like a child mainly to catch his opponents off guard (this is not evident now, it's more so in the later chapters). This is never explicitly mentioned, it's a deliberate choice on my part. I understand that this might alienate readers, but I prefer in that way. K is also somewhat of a hit-or-miss character, either you like him or you don't. He was supposed to be the protagonist, which I quickly scrapped for many reasons. Gotcha. Emotional prose is not something I use to often, I'll see what I can do about using it more. Thanks for the clarification. There are no airship privateers, sorry. The Imperial Navy doesn't really have mutinies, and both fuel and weapons are extremely hard to obtain, especially since mass-production of combat airships ceased when the last remnant of the Empire's enemy, the League was defeated around three years ago.The airship in question does have a hardpoint for mounting a large flak cannon, but the cannon itself was stripped when the Swarm obtained the craft. The airship lacks description because I have yet to finalize a design. I'm still debating between a very traditional zeppelin base, a design with massive wings and turbines and a small body, or a purely gas-based alternative which rides on the winds.

When writing this, my notes indicate that I calculated the weight of a pure osmium wrench the size that N uses to be around 180 pounds. This is quite heavy, and osmium has stability issues. So, I looked up alloys, and noticed that there are some version of osmium super-alloys which are both incredibly stable, and slightly lighter. I don't know how much lighter, (especially considering that the alloy formula is copyright protected, so N uses her own home-brew formula), but I estimate the wrench to weigh around 150 pounds, less if the wrench is merely plated with osmium alloy and has, say, an aluminum core, or something. Yes, N is crazy strong. Physically, she's the strongest member of the Swarm though both F and D have methods of temporarily boosting their strength. (I only take notes on these things, incidentally. If my characters feel wooden, it's because I calculated their percent composition of wood.) Also note that the US market value for a pure osmium wrench of that size is roughly $900,000. The alloy version is likely more expensive, but it doesn't exist (as mentioned earlier), so I can't calculate the value of that. I do play video games, but I don't usually play the kind with in-depth character creation (unless you count Spore, which you shouldn't). Good idea though, I'm sure I can find decent face avatar somewhere online. I'll see if that can help.

Character descriptions are tricky, because I can't visualize characters. Seriously. I visualize weapons, fight scenes, armor no problem. Face? Can't do it. No idea why. I've written myself notes on how to visualize them, but I still can't do it. If anyone has tips for figuring out how your characters look, please share. (Sketching is out of question.) Later chapters have a bit more in the way of going into characters, save for D. Reading over the armory section, there really should be a bit more description. I get the feeling that I chose to do too much exposition through dialogue, and not enough through character building / setting.

I suppose I should start off by explaining this chapter. Essentially, I wasn't quite sure where to start S&B, so I wrote a couple test runs to see what character groupings I felt had good chemistry, and what was lacking. This combination felt the best, but I never actually went over this in any great detail. There's a lot I want to fix with this chapter, so I thank you all for pointing out mistakes. Subsequent submissions should be slightly more cohesive. @TKWade:Fair points. You are correct about the briefing, but the Swarm are very atypical when it comes to everything, so they break protocol. S is asking more of a rhetorical question, noting the armory's poor quality then actually asking about it. I am overusing dialogue. This chapter was intended to introduce the main cast, but like you and neongrey pointed out, there's far too much exposition. Speaking of... @neongrey: First, foremost, and most important, thank you for your (brutal) honesty. I know this draft is quite rough. I do have a horrible case of fantasy name syndrome, but K's name makes absolute sense, though you can't figure out why until much later (it has to do with an anagram of his name). On to your points: I'll have to address this: Yes, K is childish. He's meant to be childish. He disagrees with people on trivial things, will do things that question rationale for stupid reason, and is, in general, a nuisance. That's his character, and there's a good (and frankly somewhat dark) reason for it. The main reason the Swarm functions is because D keeps him in line, constantly. D's reference to legendary has to do with what this is based on, so I'll be sure to take it out. Interesting. I'm not sure what gives you a sense that I don't know my characters. There's not a lot of deep emotional dialogue because there isn't a place in this kind of a scene, but I do feel invested in my characters. Can you tell me more?

Yeah, the whole of the Jacen/Tenel-ka saga is one of the sadder ones in the SW expanded universe (Legacy). I get chills every time I see it. On a more positive Star Wars quote (from Revenge of the Sith): Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there.

Impressions: Interesting. This introduction definitely intrigue me and sets some of the basis for what I can only assume to be the magic system, yet I don’t really know anything concrete yet. For an opening chapter, this is a good hook to make me want to read the second, but I hope there’s more concrete things to come. Dream magic seems difficult to work with, as dreams are often nonsensical and ever-changing, though this world might have different rules. Are the children special? I assume they are. The shift works, mostly, but the dialogue seems a bit loose for sentries. I’m not a good person to comment on tight dialogue, though.

This is Part 1 (more specifically, chapter 1 and part of chapter 2) which introduces the main cast of five characters of Scissors & Bows. Scissors & Bows is a steampunk/fantasy political thriller (hopefully). Scissors & Bows is the sequel-of-sorts to an unpublished novel I wrote, which may / may not get published. That means this needs to make sense as a standalone. Abbreviate all character names, please. Looking for thoughts on: Plot flow and character development.

I do have a 90k fantasy/steampunk that I was planning on doing a full-scale edit in about two months. It would be helpful to have someone else look through it first, so I have the impressions of a fresh pair of eyes.

Sub count is submissions that we send in, we have a max of five per week. Right now, it's usually around three. Mod issue is that we used to have a moderator (Silk) who ran the behind-the-scenes, but Silk's been AWOL for a while. Still entirely possible to join, though.

Might as well bring this up. It's relatively easy to set up a self-forwarding system on an email that's already included in the group email for only email from the Reading Excuses address. Meaning, any newcomers can be included within the group if they contact someone within the group already. That means that if you haven't joined because of not getting on the email list, that won't be a problem.

Well, if you want to work on writing, there's a portion of this website dedicated to helping writers. Also, Reading Excuses has been lacking fresh blood for a while, so it'd be nice if you joined. (Not that true, but we've been running below the sub-count per week, so it's essentially true) It's a good place to hone writing from a past time to a craft. There's a slight problem with our mod right now, but it's pretty easy to workaround if you're interested.