aeromancer

Just some quick thoughts. Your description is good, but make sure it’s on the tech level. “Expanded diaphragm” is something a doctor would say, something like ‘hollow under his lungs’ is more suited for a medieval environment. “Electric-blue tones” has the same problem, it clashes with the rustic setting. Auras could use a bit more work. I take it it’s some manifestation of personality. Alex is can either hear someone hissing at him to stay quiet at the beginning, but “I wrapped your ears tight enough to deafen you unless we were right next to you.” Overall, I think your magic system looks interesting, as it looks like it’s set up for subtlety. Your text feels a bit block-y as a whole, though.

Aside from the writing advice (which I'm going to take) you seem to be dissatisfied with Hunter Epsilon as a character. He's meant to come across as enigmatic, and give an impression that he knows more than he lets on. Yes, there doesn't seem to be a good reason for him to do half the things that he does, but RAFO on that because there are reasons. Also, if you ever come across an eight-year old with Fate powers who tells you to join her on a quest to stop the world from ending - I sincerely hope you join her. Hunter Epsilon knows this, he's supposed to be the mentor-character of the team, which he can easily do being that he's around one hundred and eighty. Yes, he's a human. It's magic. Fate's Child - she can't see into the past, only the future, and (to my understanding) blood and carnage (and death) provokes dread and disgust. Now, she has seen things before, but she wipes her memory anytime she comes near scarring herself, so she actually is quite innocent to blood and gore. Also, she finds it hard to see the results of her own actions. It's just the nature of the power. The Jakob / Ellora relationship is actually quite different from Fate's Child / Hunter Epsilon. I do suppose they start out similar, so I will work on that, but rest assured they are completely different.

Ahem. So for starters, I jump around POV a lot. This is fine, because I cut / paste this, so there are chapters between some of the breaks, thus POV changes are acceptable. At least, I'll pretend they are. @Robinski: When have you hit with a wet mackerel? Joking aside, this was written very lightheartedly, so this may not be for you in terms of seriousness. Fate's Child rarely uses her powers, she's kind of scared of them. Her eyes smoke purple whenever she does. The threads merge well, I think, you'll see when I submit chapter 6/7. Washing bowls edit, I can do. @Kammerite: Incisors are your front eight teeth. Sharpest. This also means that the chaemara eats vegetation, but really, who cares? Hmm, Hunter does seem to adapt to Fate's power rather quickly, doesn't he? That is part of his power though, Hunters gain an instinctive knowledge of how to use their powers. Wilco on the dragonling description @kaisa: The beginning was to introduce Fate's Child as someone who deliberately trips her way into danger, and set the tone for her character. Chain-mail I can describe, um, dresses not so much. Sorry. (Rhinestones? The girl can alter Fate. Try diamonds. Just because she could.)The jumping off the cliff test - the actual point was for Hunter to see whether or not she was addicted to using Fate. As to why Hunter Epsilon is sticking with her - RAFO! But there is a very good reason. As to Fate's Child future seeing - it's like wikipedia in a way. Just because you have access to the world's knowledge doesn't mean you've spent years sifting through all of it. Fate's Child doesn't know if dragonling exist, because she never checked. I actually like the idea of pure diamond armor, thank you. Although it'll burn easily.

It's an open box, so no. Vacuum or active C4 would work, but I don't think those are the correct answers either.

"I like the bit about the skirt length adjusting to her commands. You might want to describe it in a bit more detail - such as the sound the fabric made as it stretched - just so the reader knows its happening without any action from her other than verbal commands." - Hmmm... except the dress doesn't stretch, it turns into a dress that had been sown longer. Same thing with chainmail variant. Hunter Epsilon does bond quick with the girl, I will agree with you, but I think it is completely in line with their respective characters. Yes, Fate gets personified, but be forewarned that there aren't a lot of entities like him wandering the world. Fate's powers revolve around seeing the future and changing it. There is a distinction between him and Destiny in the sense that Destiny is what will happen, whereas Fate is simply ... what does happen. Fate is better at affecting smaller changes, or seeing events, while Destiny is better at ensuring that certain events will happen. Very subtle nuanced difference. Luck is just Matrim Cauthon. Chaos. Lots of chaos. Very good at altering things, but not good at how they end up. Now that I'm saying this aloud, I guess its kind of like Shards. And is kind of moot, too, because there's not really a plot point on the differences. The scene with Hunter ... yeah it might feel cartoony, I can see why you say that. The point of Hunters is to do these kinds of things, though...

You may be aware of the ancient game of riddles. You may not. Regardless the rules for this game are as follows: 1) The riddle must be answerable using information within the riddle, or knowledge which is expected to be universally know i.e. everyone knows that fish have scales and are thus 'clad in mail but never clinking' 2) If it answers the riddle, regardless of the intended answer of the questioner, the answer is valid. 3) Once your riddle is answered, edit a spoiler in your post to say your answer, if it was different $)Rules will be added as need be. First riddle: How is a raven like a writing desk? That was a joke. That was asked, but never answered by the Mad Hatter. First actual riddle: Throw away the outside, cook the inside. Eat the outside, throw away the inside. What am I?

When dealing with fantasy, people talking to corpse is not a sign of insanity. The moral of the story is that I need to be explicit that Ellora is suffering from a form of PTSD. Noted. I'd also like to know more about the armor (still concepting the thing.) Working on it. I think my game plan is to have Ellora tip into madness when she enters the building, then swap POV to Jakob and have him encounter her talking to a corpse. And cut her exposition speech, I yelled at myself to do so during my edits, and I apparently have a hard time listening.

Speaking of Star Wars quotes: "Hey Tenel-Ka, why are wampa's arms so long? Because their hands are so far from their face!" -Jacen Solo This is from Legacy. And it is a very sad quote if you know the story of Jacen Solo and Tenel-Ka.

Right, so this is the other side of Gears & Sigils. No introduction necessary, though note that the previous submission happens between the first and second session. All impressions, please. To answer the obvious point. Yes, Fate's Child is overpowered. That is why she's an eight year old, so she can't fully grasp what she could do with it. And also why she's scared of using it. If you're confused and read my submission, please ask more questions.

I have no way to be "upfront about the hidden text" because no one knows about it yet. Now, I will claim that Ellora comes across better characterized in 1 & 3, but I'm not actually sure if that's true. Concept wise, Ellora is a cheerful character with a sad backstory, which definitely works. She acts as a little sister to Jakob, weird as that sounds, for a lot of the book. I feel secure in the concept, but I will take your advise in regards to her simple personality. You do say that a lot is happening with Ellora, but she has been developed already, you just haven't read it.

Throwing a request out for next Monday too.

Excellent. Some responses. @Robinski: Glad to see you like this. Yes I agree with the Jaokb sentiment, he needs to speak like a blasted soldier. However, due to RAFO, he’s … okay, spoiler alert for the next chapter, he’s a Prince. Not that kind of Prince. More of like a full scholarship for abilities kind of thing, Prince is just a title. Actually, that gets into RAFO too exactly what it is (not a big secret, but only explained in Chapter 13), but he doesn’t have much military experience that someone with his equivalent rank in modern military would have. And, for the record, yes Ellora is somewhat simple and annoying (though I find it ‘endearingly charming’), but you forgot about the other female character in the submission: Reil, who is essentially a foil to Ellora. I have ‘edit’ written three times in capitals in my notes in regards to her speech. It’s just I rewrote it four times on the rough draft before I could read through the whole thing without shuddering, so I’m pushing that off. “ “Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone!” – Back to more earlier point. I'm uncomfortable with the paraplegic girl being simple as well.” No, this is insanity. Psychological shock. @spieles: Very pleased to hear you like Ellora’s ending speech, that’s the main reason I submitted it. Can you please define ‘campy’ for me? Aside from that, your critiques are spot on, and will help make the scene more emotional, thank you. I decided against descending Ellora into madness, and skipping straight through it, I think the reason is because either I hate writing that kind of stuff, or it literally drives me somewhat insane for a couple hours. I like clichés, and “what does being rude have anything to do with it?” Well, if someone went through all the effort of leaving an obvious trail for you to follow, that means that there is no doubt a trap at the end of the rainbow, and if someone trying to set a trap, it can definitely be viewed as rude to deny them of their fun by refusing to spring it. @Mandamon: “I don't have a really good feeling for his character yet, except that he seems to be brave enough to take up a quest when he has no memory of it.” That’s what I want! Along with platonic good person, but apparently you didn’t get that. “Thing-I'm-not-supposed” Yeah, my notes told me to remove it too. I just laugh every time I see it, and skip the paragraph so the rest don’t annoy me. General Notes: The armor is clockpunk, by the way, not steampunk. Steampunk armor can take heat better than clockpunk armor … because. The reason why it’s not described better is because I hadn’t yet decided on how exactly the armor work. Poor form, yes, but this is very rough. This chapter is a bit childish, starting from around Chapters 8 or 9 onwards, less so because I started being a lot more serious. I seriously regret not starting with earlier chapters, because there is development there, but I’m not going back to them. If you feel like doing me a favor, though, you can ask for 1&3. Chapter 2 will probably be submitted, because it has no overlap characters. Highlight to read spoilers as to Ellora's character: She spent twenty years stuck in a bed, than received her armor around five years prior, Yes, she's thirty. The reason she acts childish is because she's not fully human, she's part witch. Her species doesn't fully mature until around 150 years old. She is unaware of this. My Cliché Rant: Clichés are awesome, okay? Sure, experience readers see them from half the book away, but you want to see them. You want to hear the hero cry “Never!”, you want to hate the evil overlord because he does unnecessarily evil stuff, you want everyone to secretly be related, unless they’re planning it by marriage. Clichés are like signposts that drivers don’t need, but are helpful. Tell me if you disagree.

Gears & Sigils is an unpublished novel that I recently finished, and I’m currently doing the first round of serious edits now. Being the case, I decided to submit Chapter 4, the reason being that I feel it needs the most work, and is very important. I’ll probably be shooting off an odd chapter like this every other week, or so. Once I finish doing the serious edits on the whole manuscript, I’ll post on the alpha-readers thread. If you read this, and really like it, and can stand reading through a lot of typos, mistakes, and otherwise bad writing, I don’t mind giving it out for editing earlier, and it would help me tremendously. I’d like to hear principally your emotional response to this chapter, how you felt the flow went, and what can be done to clear it up. Especially tell me if I have too much exposition, and yes, I know I may have a soliloquy too much. Chapters 1 & 3 are summarized, Chapter 2 has different character which do not bear any relevance to this chapter. The summarization is slightly verbose, so I threw it before the chapter, and it counts as part of my submission. Gear & Sigils is a steampunk/fantasy novel. Cheers!

Done. In fact, you win 1 googolplex of Euros. Enjoy! (Aside from the gravitational mass of said Euros destroying the Earth, the sheer amount of Euros devaluate them to practically worthless. I wish for the concept of wishing to never have existed.

Both you and Robinski brought this us. Yeah, it's astrological. As in, a triangle formed by the sun and moon's position. It's actually an isosceles triangle, not a perfect one. In regards to knowledge of astrology - essentially this: They are aware of that the solar system is heliocentric, but not of eclipses. If I feel like it, I can even give them a rough knowledge of distances, which is calculatable with basic triginometry. I'm going to address this too. Moon is referring to his biological father, but Moon has a relationship with him more akin master-disciple than anything else. I felt that because of this, Moon would think of his father in a much more formal tone, also because Moon is very formal as person. If this goes against normal writing conventions, please tell me. And thank you both for your feedback! It'll be put to good use.

I'd like to submit next Monday. Won't necessarily be Twin Moons, I have another chapter that I want editing for.

There is a very nice amount of world-building in this chapter. We get some names, we get some paces, we find out that the Rex used to "not be a threat", etc, etc. Oz / Hayden seems kind of sudden. I get that people think rules go clean through the window when the apocalypse hits, but I have serious objections. Such as, Oz should be crazy worried she'll notice him not gasping for air. I do appreciate Eleanor's build as a character right now, sad past, hints that she knows more than she should, and attempting to bribe Oz. Sci-Fi nitpick: The magnetic grid? What does "unlimited supply of mobile energy" even mean, and how exactly does it circumvent the Laws of Thermodynamics? I understand that it's a decent plot point, because now we can point fingers at people for the Meteor of Doom, but no magnetic field is supplying unlimited energy. Perhaps it could be used to help harness the energy of the natural magnetic field of the earth, but ... I don't know how else.

Twin Moon: The main purpose is mentioned (I think), it's really just a training exercise of sorts for Guardians. Conversation Flow: Thunk. You hear that? That's another nail in the coffin for the dialogue of Chapters 3-4. I honestly wanted to do a complete rewrite, but I didn't have the time, and I wanted to progress, so I submitted as is. Other things: Chapter Five should have a lot more MC solitary scenes, and (hopefully) showcase some of his personality better, as well as action. @krystalynn3: Another nail, but please keep giving me honest reviews. Thank you. And, to be honest, yeah Chapter Four is kind of an expo-dump, but there is an important (if poorly written) dialogue between Moon and Salane at the very end. I do suppose it was the wrong time to talk of many things, so Chapter Four will be lugged to my carving board. Guardian monologue will be an introspective, honor system (that's 'well met by moonlight', I have yet to give it a better name) and the fungus scene can be added to later parts, and the rest will have to be chiseled in ... somehow.

Um, how do you get to this bar? That was a very good story. I had some slight issue issues with the pacing, I felt that some of the punch lines could be delivered with more oomph, but it was an enjoyable read. I was thinking MP5s, bulletproof vests, how does she know that? but it turns out she's Interpol. Incidentally, really? Interpol? CIA works just as good, and has the advantage of sounding cooler and more spy-like. Also, it would be nice for a one-line explanation of how precisely Samantha survived a chest shot (i.e. took a kidney but missed her heart), why she gave intel to who she thought was Kiyoshi in the first place, and I assume Samantha is wearing a recorder of some kind, so mention it, maybe? Also, I didn't read the first one so perhaps I'm missing something, but, once again, how precisely does one get to this bar? Invitation only, we'll pick you up? Yoga meditations?

EDIT: Your point is good, but I think you are using the wrong terminology. Yes, it is possible to shake the perfect orbit with just about any interference, so magic and perfect circles is going to be my answer.

The moons are in the same orbit, moving at the same speed, 180 degrees from each other. They cannot eclipse each other.

Just a bit of scientific clarification: The world of Twin Moon has a four week rotation, so seven days after twin moon, Ae will be full, seven more days another Twin Moon, seven more days Iu will be full, etc.Oh, and Eclipses can only happen during full moons, which means that one moon would be available. EDIT: This is me posting as my hard sci-fi self, actually, not my author-of-this-work self.

@King007: I am aware that Chapter 4 is essentially exposition. Thank you for your honest input, it looks like Salane will need some major dialogue changes. I am glad that even though you seem to not enjoy my work, you enjoy the style of my writing, as this is my first attempt in writing first person. (That makes it sound like I have a lot of experience writing third person, which I don't.) @ecohansen: Good. These chapters are meant are more worldbuilding chapters than anything else, a glimpse at the magic system, a faint omen of doom, nothing exciting was intended to happen, just a slow build. Did you get that? I feel that if readers have to wait between exciting parts that builds them better than say, a constant thriller. Of course, the in-betweens need to be well-written too, and like I said earlier, I have dialogue work to do. *sigh* @spieles:Thank you! I'm very glad to hear you enjoyed my writing of the ritual. I do know the end needs slightly more work, but I like moving on during rough drafts, or I just get stuck, so I submitted anyway. Salane, well, she was concepted as more tsundere (hard exterior, soft interior) to Moon, and a sarcastic snob to everyone else. I do thank you very much for the perspective, an understanding of the female psyche is something I have a profound lack of. Male, slightly, psyche in general, yes, female, no. Obviously, four is going to undergo a re-write and, rest assured, things will be changed. @rdpulfer: I know about the infodump. About your confusion, can I please have specific questions, so I know if I'm forgetting to explain something, or you have questions on something I want to be vague about? So, I assume all of you know what an "eclipse" is, so the question is: what do you think is going to happen upon the night of the eclipse? I like this as a plot point, because it means the readers can have a sense of foreboding that the characters don't have without making the characters look clueless. Does anyone have strong feelings agreeing/disagreeing with this? Also, I acknowledge that chapter four has the potential to not exist. I am considering throwing it upon my writing board, and dissecting it for the parts, and then pack them into the more "action" chapters. However, this will means a fair bit of exposition will be pushed off, so I would like to know if, as readers, you would be confused without the exposition dump of chapter four. I do suppose the answer is "Depends on what happens next" but anything you say could be helpful.

Okay, I went slightly over by 124 words, but really, what's 124 words between friends critics acquaintances? Anyways, I am looking for impressions on the Twin Moon ritual, the flow of conversation between Moon / Salane, whether or not the dialogue is getting flat, and really anything else that jumps at you.

Speaking of... "My religion includes the holy custom of drinking alcohol and smoking cigars before, after, and during every meal, as well as all the points in between."