Jump to content

Usseewa

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    3477

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    22

 Content Type 

Everything posted by Usseewa

  1. Usseewa
    why do I relate so
  2. Usseewa
    I know; everyone says going outside is good. Sometimes—mainly recently—I've actually enjoyed it and wanted to (which was rare for me in the past). But also sometimes thinking about that makes me depressed because then I'm alone with my thoughts and yeah.. I will say that what has genuinely helped I think (last night and today. and thanks Verde) is to think that I CAN do "this." I CAN stop being depressed, and it actually IS the better choice. Also, this works when the thing making me feel horrible is because I'm doing something wrong (like procrastinating) and then I think that I can/will get it done. Also.. when I start mentally beating myself up, I've become aware of it (in the past few weeks) and now I just calm down and stop that spiral and tell myself that "it's fine, it's okay, I'm not a bad person for this." And that helps put me back in a good space, at least for that moment. But I still feel like I'm teetering or fragile or not-quite-completely-better and I guess that makes sense, as little is overnight (in this case, literally) and i probably gotta "heal" or whatever (which means I was broken I guess...) and stuff. So I guess what I want to know is am I doing the right thing right now, or if that's something only I can answer then how do I know if/when I am? What does it look like, how do I know if I'm on the right path? Also should I talk to anyone irl? I rlly don't want to but I have plenty in the past but I don't want to because then it means I've just been lying again about feeling better or I've undone the progress we made idk. Uhh Anyway I'ma go be happy or try
  3. Usseewa
    there were too many and
  4. Usseewa
    It's alright, I get it. Also sometimes it can be hard when your also depressed... full-on Shalladin iykyk also @Through The Living Grass and others uhm how do I be happy? Well, I can be neutral and positive and happy but there can still be lurking intrusive thoughts and stuff and then I feel like I'm putting on an act at times. I have had genuine happiness/comfort, I think, a week or two ago before I made myself depressed. So, today I'm trying to follow Verde's words (my nickname for you lol) and realize that I don't actually want to make myself depressed because it's bad and won't be good overall, and that I CAN make myself better and have motivation and stuff. But what do I do to make myself happy, like activity-wise? Especially when I can't do much in a specific scenario, don't have much available? I guess maybe try not to dwell on stuff but that doesn't work (ironic processing theory [which I just and briefly learned about], basically The Game but with intrusive thoughts). So uhm yeah. Like I feel better I think overall from everything we talked about last night but still feel fragile I guess? Also I'm struggling with the "deserving happiness" not because I don't think I deserve happiness but because I don't know what I think (if I think I do or think I don't). Maybe it's just that deserving isn't a problem for me, or it's a large one and hard to stuff. Idk I'm just confusing myself. But why would I want to be depressed anyway?
  5. Usseewa
    okie.. there's also another person who seems to be avoiding it too and I'm slightly more fine with that. i came out to them earlier and yeah..
  6. Usseewa
    Guys I'm out to everyone now, at least everyone important and people that I talk to and am around etc. (like, not distant/strangers idk) but basically one person I came out too... I feel like they've been avoiding using ANY name or pronouns for me. One time they slipped up and misgendered me and then corrected it by basically saying like "your" instead of "his." i didn't wanna write that cuz writing not my pronouns is hard. but yeah. and like i feel like I can see them struggling (as in hesitant) for what to say to make it not a name and not a pronoun and it kinda hurts. I could be totally wrong but I don't think I am at least for the first example. They're probably a little uncomfortable/awkward/getting used to it but... idk. they said they'd be supportive and stuff and everything but ...
  7. Usseewa
    yes i don't have time but yes ai what u said yes i feel that ai usually says nothing, or nothing meaningful (not just in an emotional way, but pretty literally) wdym?
  8. Usseewa
    @Through The Living Coder I saw your SU but can't use SUs so lemme know what specific HTTP request issues you have. There's a library, Requests, that I don't think I've used but is a classic.
  9. Usseewa
    fingers, but she fought them
  10. Usseewa
    well bye guys ima head to bed at a nice time and get some rest thanks for the support/help i'm glad i decided to post that here
  11. Usseewa
    Oh, thank you very much! I didn't realize hehe. oh yeah that's definitely.. worse than your current stuff. yes. improvement is real. is it real if subconscious? yes i unfortunately also skip some days, when i dont write anything phew. sorry if i was accusatory. tbh any ignorant person (oop, me included?) can just say "good" writing = ai or is that false ignore i read this wrong the first time lol. cool cool. yes indeed. unfortunately i was in a classful of idiots. nah jk kinda
  12. Usseewa
    thank you very much. these words are.. sorry I can't word but know that they meant a lot to me, like a lot. hopefully the motivation I just felt will last. thank you edit:if u dont mind...im gonna save them to look back on
  13. Usseewa
    i struggle with that and i hope so yes and thank u
  14. Usseewa
    in case ppl wanna—
  15. Usseewa
    i dont want to put together a plan or wtvr maybe because then it'd be real why did I open that spoiler i hate the words: idk what to do tho idk and idk sure i wanna live ig idk i don't want it fixed but i also do but i don't but i don't know anything anymore. wdym deserve happy. idk.idk.. i use idk so much and people hate it but i just can't think sometimes and it sums up it. I don't want to be dead. i want to be alive but I want to be feeling good while being alive. i want feel gooddddhpribably
  16. Usseewa
    sigh I should've out more abiut her but how?how and why do you write so not badly also wdym two posts of this wdym you mean for 3/13? also gwahh are u using ai or grammarly or just take writing classes or using formal-speak rn. ye syes thank you i have it planned outyes
  17. Usseewa
    sigh sigh sigh i need to learn how to handle criticism sigh why do all my stuff sound too boring by that i mean letter.txt and that dumb unnapeallable ban thank you for your feedback, it will not go into the paper shredder like it would if i were one of Them
  18. Usseewa
    y u post again nvm I'm an idiot ignore me
  19. Usseewa
    maybe put that above the spoiler hehe.. which part do you think I'd think was a joke? i literally feel the same way. idk if I'm autistic, i don't think I've been tested or anything. i have adhd tho. sigh i keep thinking this is me but i dont wanna be happy i just wanna stay depressed because happy is sickening because then everything is right and i just feel like I'd be ignorant again and not aware? idk if that makes sense.. music i love but idk if it makes me happy i love some of my clubs and stuff i think i love outfits/clothes/styles i love outside SOMETIMES but only very specific conditions or idk. i usually don't wanna go outside but sometimes i do. BUT I WANT TO BE DEPRESSED BUT I DON'T BUT I DO BUT I'M MAD AT MYSELF FOR WANTING TO BE DEPRESSED AND RUINING THE HAPPINESS I HAD STARTED FEELING BECAUSE IDK IDK IDK IDKWHAT DOES DEPRESsion even look like. am i actually even depressed? idk what's going oni idk idk wht eb ugh ugh ugh is. my anxiety faked too no it's real but I'm aware I'm writing like a lunatic but i don't care? it's not that it's something else not me it's not an act I'd do not necessarily well maybe idk
  20. Usseewa
    also uhm i keep having this random thought usually when im anxious spiraling or hating myself or something and uhh i dont rlly wanna say it but basically uhnm yeah
  21. Usseewa
    idk im probably not gonna do anything and I'd at least like to think I'd know if i was but maybe not the case but for me it seems like just intrusive thoughts but idk idkidk selfhateselfhate idk idk what am i doing gggggg
  22. Usseewa
    but it's just so hard and I don't want to... i think you're probably very likely right though.. I'm likely mentally harming myself (making myself depressed) idk but like if im not depressed then what it's just hard cuz if i think "i should not make myself depressed" then i don't want to, cuz like i kust don't? it's effort but also I don't want to, I'm comfortable here in that it's familiar, i guess. allskdjfndnejjwjeuwiwii i i i ie also not all intrusive thoughts are encouraged by memmm??mmmmm?mmmmm????? likes ssnsn like like like like like liej n like idk
  23. Usseewa
    i am looking into it and stuff and yes yours are an issue, even if they're just intrusive but they sound honestly not?
  24. Usseewa
    Hahhahwhwhhwhehhdhxhxj nnsens i i hate that idk why i hate that probably because it means i gotta be responsible for myself and practice self-care and all that crap oh also i keep making "jokes" either online, sometimes irl, or to myself that I'm so depressed and whatever when I'm not? and then maybe it makes me depressed or i already was or just anxiety and my anxiety is bad and i hate eveything and i just want idk what i want actually yes idk what o want
  25. Usseewa
    ok ok good thank you i mightve needed to hear that probably it's a good info to keep in mind who says my consciousness is fully functioning hehe no i get what u mean i think ye ye ye yehhhe sigh i hope i dont but what do i do help doesn't work rlly and i hate keep goiing to ppl to tell them I'm actually not feeling better when i said i was because i genuinely was rhen i went and listened to a depressing song on repeat and made myself anxious and went to bed late and ughh and spent too much time on here which made me not do stuff i was supposed to do and also that gives anxiety and then i watched this gory episode or two or three of a show with morbid fascination ig and eewww and ughhh
×
×
  • Create New...