Robinski

I stand corrected. Thank you!

Uh, finally back at it after a day of travel (another travel day tomorrow). Thank you so much for your very thorough comments. Much appreciated! I've taken on some of these, thank you. And everyone will be glad to hear it is now a gate in the fence. I'm glad these various language aspects are working for you. I've tweaked the reference to time and how much her has. Lol. I'm glad you're getting a decent impression from what description there is. There seem to be quite mixed views on the setting. I'll stick with it for now. Awesome I've adjusted the bit about storing bones. Also, tweaked the reference to ridiculous: it was intended as a call-back to the first instance, but not really working. The magic system is still evolving, so there's a good chance I might need to go back a finesse some of these references. I've removed there reference 'half the remaining...', as it starts to limit me too soon, I think. I've changed this to him not having sufficient power left. I think the line about kicking the gate down has more humour now. All tidied up now, and so better, I hope. That would be the sensible thing. Alternatively, I could just throw them out like confetti as I go and see if anyone notices, then go back and fix them later I bit of both will be the way, I suspect. I have a spreadsheet on the go, setting out/characterising all the different animals and the magical effects of their bones. The scale of clout has not yet been calculated. Good, I'm glad the different voices come through, and I'm happy that you suspected the trap. I guess some will and some won't, to different degrees of confidence. I've fixed the issue with the wall having no gate, it was always meant to. Also, well pleased with your reactions at the end. Thank you again; very useful comments here, I've made some good fixes, I think

Hey, thanks for reading ID. Okay, I'll need to work on that. Hmm, not sure what to do about that at this point. I shall ponder it. Thanks again

Hello again, and welcome (again) to Reading Excuses! Always delighted to read a new author *rolls up sleeves* Chapter 1 I'm kind of confused who's doing what to whom, at first, which is not ideal in the opening of a story. "Save the patois" - I'm not convinced this is correct usage of patois, which--according to Word--means 'the dialect of the common people of a region, differing in various respects from the standard language of the rest of the country', unless of course it is a specific magical (for example) term. >>> Which I see that it is, okay, my bad. Carry on If the guard is wearing earplugs, they don't seem to be very good, unless he spoke because he saw her lips moving, but she has a bag on her head. Hmm. "Your minds will be splayed" - Not flayed? Splayed seems an odd word here. "You’re so helpless that you seek to me so, as well" - I don't understand the grammar here. "relief and hunger left her feeble" - I get the hunger part, but how does relief leave her feeble? "in burst of wrath and glory" - missing word. "screaming her vengeance upon the pitiable souls who brought her to destruction" - Okay, she's the baddy. Her POV is a bit one-dimensional. The use of the term 'zip ties' places this story firmly in the present day, or some technologically equivalent (or more advanced time). However, there are no other identifiers with which to date, or even to 'genre' (not a verb!!) the story. So, I'm still not sure what I'm reading. Now, if I'm reading a book that I've purchased, I now what kind of story it is, but--presently--I can't really tell from reading. "like cleaning chemicals and last moments" - This is a fantastic phrase, nicely done, loaded with pathos. "Mortar bulged between unpainted cinder blocks, speaking of quick construction" - excellent detail, nicely done again. I must say this second scene (counting the new location as a scene change) is superior to the first (so far), which was a bit generic. "something started to scream" - something, or someone?! "It consisted of something that an imaginative person might call goulash" - The word 'it' is not your friend. The words 'it' or 'that' or 'this' are interlopers that leach out opportunities for description, and pave the way to unclear narrative. Here, I presume 'it' means 'the meal'? It's not entirely clear. This is how these pernicious words disrupt clarity. "and it would’ve turned white in that time" - Eh? By that token, her hair would have turned white in the equivalent amount of time. >>> Which I see it has. Fair enough. Right, I'm at the top of Page 4. I'm in no doubt whatever that I am reading the POV of a bad person, a villain, as implied by the title of the story. Why should I care? Is she the protagonist? At this point, I don't know why I should be interested in her thoughts. They are very bleak, depressing and negative. I'm into hard putting-the-book-down territory here. "toward the cinderblocks that shielded the heavens as she called seven different kinds of agony upon the head of this foolish, this unfortunate man" - I don't understand the grammar here. If he is being shielded, then there's no agony on him, surely? Lol. I like the man's first line of dialogue. "Let’s try again" - Lol. "a while" is two words in both cases here, since they are noun phrases. 'awhile' is an adverb (as in, Stay awhile, why don't you?). "break their word" - I think. I think this first chapter is redeemed by the interaction by M and Jones, which I enjoyed. I think it had some real feeling to it. I think you could slash this chapter though, into a... prologue!! (Gasp, wash my mouth out with soap!!). All the stuff that comes before M&J's discussions could be encapsulated in two or three (good) sentences, I feel. Chapter 2 'verdancy' would be the word, I think. 'verdancy' appears not to be a word. Grammar in the second sentence is really awkward with all those commas. I'm kind of confused by the word 'pilot' as the actions sound more like those of a commando. Also, pretty sure tigers would not pick all the flesh off the bones of a kill. I think other, smaller, creatures (hyenas, etc.) would move in to take what a big cat would leave. Did you research that at all? I'm not an expert. Do cats drool? I've never seen or heard of that. These details seem minor, but you will alienate caring-loving readers if you get that stuff wrong. It's a novel setup, and I'm enjoying the situation you've created. The dialogue between the two is rather awkward, and I think could do with another pass or two. Some of it readers a bit info-dumpy, a tad maid-and-butler. Other parts are okay. I appreciate it's not an easy thing to describe what's happening on a screen through dialogue without it sounding maid-and-butler, but I think you're heading in the right direction. If man-eating tigers was going to be a thing, why would the gas only be 'drugging', why not poison gas? Those two aspects seen contradictory. I'm not sure 'masterfully' is the word. It takes no effort at all to master pacing. I like the moment with the stomping of the foot revealing the secret trapdoor. There are some nice moments, but I'm struggling a bit to get my head around the characters of the two. It seems like S is the 'straight man' (in a comedic sense), the rather cynical voice of reason, and M is the extravert, artistic, emotional one. There's just something that I can't quite put my finger on. I will try harder! One of the issues, I think, is I am not entirely convinced by their motivations, and their loyalty to the supervillainess. Another, I think, is that their voices sound similar; they are not especially easy to distinguish. I don't how S captured the cat. Ah, there's another character point. I'm not getting much emotion from them. More from M, certainly, but not so much from S. Is that the end of the chapter? To me, it felt kind of incomplete, and I didn't have a clear idea of where the story was going, or what I was going to continue into. To put it another way, I didn't have a strong urge to keep reading. To large extent, I think that's because I'm not particularly invested in any of the characters, to the point that I would care what happened to them. I think the issue is that I don't really feel the stakes for either of the chaps, or the villain. Sorry not to be more positive about this version. I think it's an interesting setup, and has potential, but I think it needs some work, perhaps mostly on the characters, which some attention to the pacing, maybe. I hope this is helpful <R>

My bad. Apologies, ID.

Yeah, squirrelly like a fox... For what it's worth, given the tone of the story, I'm less worried if at all about tech levels and historical trends. It's a modern fantasy. Start Trek and B5 are fiction. You're not writing hard SF here, so I would not worry overly about accurately predicting the future c/f Star Wars; anything by Marvel or DC; Farscape; Dr. Who; etc. Unless you are aspiring to be Arthur C. Clarke, I wouldn't worry about it. I really don't think that's your market. You might have gathered from any comments that I'm a fan of travelling light and not burdening with world-building. I don't disagree with the comments of Kais and Mandamon, but I would caution against burdening your free-flowing text with too much detail (and therefore word count). Sure, nail some more points on the way, but I'd be sad to see the irreverent and carefree tone being lost.

Welcome again @shatteredsmooth, great to be reading your first submission. I love the title, it's different, stands out, grabs the attention, as it would be on a bookshelf, I think. Chapter One After page one, I feel like I've learned some good stuff already. There are aliens, there are hovercraft, but there are still shops. Okay, there are not big world-building details, but it gives me the flavour and is more than enough to keep me reading. On a personal level, as a transportation engineer by profession, the hovercraft thing is very interesting and I am going to want more details!!! Love the eclipse line. After page one, I'm really comfortable with the tone and I think the writing style is very readable, and pleasing to read. I'm engaged. "r vans, capable of breaking the sound barrier and atmosphere" - Aw, cool. Do you mean breaking atmosphere, as in capable of space flight? I wasn't totally clear. Oh, and hang on. So, the hovercraft are capable of space flight, but the RVs can break the light barrier? I'm confused here, like there's a step missing. "from the rear view window." I feel like it's either 'rear view mirror' (great song), or 'rear window' (great movie). "rummaged through the grocery bags until I found the chocolate chip cookies" - I believe they are on the back seat, as they spilled out with the popcorn, unless those were different cookies, as the typo was not specified at the time they spilled. "Unfortunately, he was in prison" - excellent. Good background. Would the G call Di human, given the description we have just heard? "too-feminine" - Huh? What's this mean? "but that would mean admitting my frail little arms were too small to fit around all the paper bags" - But no, this is nothing to do with frailty, and all to do with the length of the arms. The Rock couldn't get his arms around a Smart car, that doesn't make him frail. Probably he could still life one. "late 20th twentieth century", "were 50% fifty percent more likely" - can I get a show of hands on numerals in narrative and their purgation? Fine so far at the end of Chapter One. M/C is moving forward, stuff is happening, unfolding as I go, and I am learning about the world with each page. All good. Yes. I'm getting snarky, opinionated teen with issues, but also chips on the shoulder. YES!! See p.s. below, but based on this comment, I'm going to presume you've answered that question here and email the LBLs to you. I offer grammar comments from a love of language, and an earnest belief that this stuff will help your text read more smoothly. Please believe they are made with the best of intentions, and I hope nothing causes offence!! I have been known to get slightly (over?)zealous, at times (just ask @kais). Chapter Two "Boy clothes are practical. They actually have pockets" - A page into chapter two, a question still niggling in my head after chapter one is about the payment for the drugs that Di is handing over. I'm presuming that all these transactions, including the initial purchase, were prepaid. >>> "pulled out a wad of creds" - Ah, so maybe not per my assumption, or maybe some prepaid and some not? >>> “Mom said you already paid.” - AHH, okay. As you were. "Our moms owned The Garden... together" - Oh, can I have this detail much earlier, in chapter one, or at least tag that Di's mum is only part/joint owner of the business? This felt a bit like retconning to me. "shooting his forehead with a yellow stun bolt" - Why does Al have a gun too? Is it because xe is also a runner, because xir mom is a partner? I feel the justification for xir having a weapon is unclear. "That would lead them back to us" - How? Fingerprints? before, you implied credits were money. Another last line that feels incomplete, to me, even if just to say 'I cranked the engine and we sped away from the diner. Overall / Summary Nice pacing and good chapter length, plus clear and believable events equals a good, brisk read through these first two chapters. I like the tone and the feel of the story. Forced to make comparisons, I'd go straight for Men In Black, due to the undercurrent of 'here's a bunch of weird ET sh1t, just go with it". I'm completely fine with that. I don't need to operate in SF world where everything is linked to real science, or cosmology or anything else. Nice work here. I am entertained, and want to read more. This is the sort of story that the word 'romp' was invented for. I like it Yes, because the thugs are looking for the McGuffin / Gee-Gaw thing that Di collected, right? <R> p.s. Do you want Line-by-line comments? I've got LBLs in the Word file if you want them. There are some typos and I have some grammar stuff which I think would help certain lines read more smoothly, shall we say. If you don't like them, you can have your money back...

@industrialistDragon, I must apologise for forgetting to come back and respond to your most-appreciated comments on the outline, which I remembered instantly when I saw you had commented on Part 1. Very well put, and more like what I had in mind that asexuality. I fully intend this character to have background, and not hidden background either. In the same way as with K and P, I've not really given much in the outline, but it's swirling around in my head and I will do my best to get it on the page. My intention is to make her a good character regardless of sex or sexuality. Great comments, on a little discussed issue. Very helpful indeed. Thank you, ID

And me being on holiday at the same time

So sorry to hear that, Jorville. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you've got the support you need to help you through what must be a really difficult time (I'm sure you do). We will be here to welcome you back when the time is right for you.

I'm glad to be back with this story. I'll be more sensitive to the roughness this time, and not prattle on about grammar stuff (too much...). First Section "and she had lived here every other year for the past four years" - This is rather 'tell-y'. I get that the heat would remind her of home but, for me, this is too much just feeding me information outwit the context of character and story. I think this piece of information needs to be more smoothly integrated into the character's thoughts. "and to see M" - is this for the first time? Like, he fathered this child, but had never been to her mother's homeland? Just seemed to me he would have tried to establish trade if he had been there before. The first page feels a bit meandering and repetitious. M thinks about some of the themes, then they are repeated in dialogue with A. I think you could condense and clarify a fair bit of this. "but 14 fourteen years of conditioning was hard to break" - Arrrrgghh. Well, I got to page two. No numerals in fictional narrative, please. For one thing, it takes one right out of the story, and also undermines a fantasy setting, I think. I believe it is acceptable in SF, and you will see instances of it there, for serial numbers and such, where the alternative is a bit long string of words, but not for ages, distances, other measures, or quantities. "her sun bronzed cheeks gaining a slight red tint" - This is out of her POV: she can't see her own cheeks, but I suppose she could imagine that they must be coloring (When in Rome, ) I don't feel that A is humbling himself all that much, so the line about flattery also fell a bit flat for me too. I think his alternative phrasing could be a good bit more deferential. Say something like, "...should it find favour with you, my lady." although without coming over all obsequious. She's not aware of the book, really? The seems unlikely, but I guess it's possible. Wouldn't her old man have told her about though, as a sort of family history? it does seem from A's comment that father is well known for the book. "wears wares for sale" I know it's typo-fodder, but I see the name of the country spelled three different ways in here LOL - I laughed at him inviting himself to the ball. I have a concern however that A is the love interest. For one thing, he seems rather boring, for another, there's a tendency in fiction for characters to fall in love with the first person of the opposite sex that they meet, and have any sort of interaction with. Is the bad? I think it can be when it happens early in a story, because it removes an element of (sometimes subliminal) tension, certainly if they get on well from the start. Romantic tension is an important element of a good fiction, I think. "The young Alt warrior looked up at him suddenly" - I struggle when you refer to her as this, because I don't know who it is for a moment. Referring to her as anything other than M makes her seem more remote and vague, but she is the main (and single?) POV in the story. Also, you've explain how Alt is called the Land of the Phoenix, and the Tears, etc., so I just can't think of it as Alt; it's too remote (again) from how you've identified it, I think. ALSO, you have character names starting with 'A' and 'M', and you have country names starting with 'A' and 'M', but the other way around. It seems a bit limited. I don't understand what happened with the carriage. A doesn't push her, does he? It didn't seem like that. And did she fall in front of the carriage? Unclear. This could be an exciting moment, but I'm left kind of confused. So, the explanation could clearer as well. Was he trying to push her out of the path of the carriage? I feel like his explanation could be clearer too. "It was so different here in the civilized world." - Whoa, surely she does not consider her mother's land and uncivilised? I don't think this is the right word. Gentrified, maybe. Cosmopolitan? "only wanted everyone to try their best and what happy with whatever the result of that was" - This does not sound like a man who has forged a business empire, and is opening trade routes with neighbouring (and very different/challenging) countries. Magic is not treated as particularly important or prominent in society. I suppose since M isn't good at it, it's not likely to be a big part of her life, but this will tend to limit it's ability to solve problems later in the story (according to Sanderson's Laws, at least). At this point, I don't think about much at all. Second Section I know I'm not supposed to be doing grammar comments, and this isn't that; it's a style thing. I know it's rough, so this is not a criticism, but an observation. There are passages that are really very wordy, and which affect the flow of the narrative. I think it's good practice to practice minimising the word count every opportunity. There's a slider, which can be pushed too far, but it's a good discipline to have in mind when writing, I think, and makes for more enjoyable prose. So here -- "She opened the door out of the carriage herself", I would suggest "She opened the carriage door herself." 33% shorter, 89% clearer, and 154% smoother :) "He mumbled a response, but she wasn’t really listening" - I like that our M/C is flawed. She has good qualities, but also annoying ones, and some unpleasant attributes. It's good for creating internal tension, it seems to me. This second section is very slow. All the stuff about servants and preparations. Her contemplation of and talking with N, which must last about two minutes, gets over a page. I think for a novel-length story to get any sort of decent pace up and sustained, short a simple sections will need to be clipped through in much less space. "the young warrior imagined he and her mother would have gotten along well" - Yeah, I would encourage you to remove all these remote and oblique references to the main character, which really take me out of her POV, and distance me from her. Here, and all similar instances, why not just refer to her as 'she'? It's much more direct, and lets the reader focus on what you are saying, not how your are saying it. I don't think we should always be reminded of who is speaking, we know what and who she is now. Wordiness, repetition, etc.--down to first draft, but I notice on this page in particular how every single action is noted: walk down the corridor, stop at the end, turn the handle, open the door. Personally, I don't think that level of detail is called for, or particularly interesting/engaging. "After he said that his face got serious as he continued to look out at the city" here for example, the first bit is just extra words. We know it's after what he said, because it's the next bit. I would encourage you, when you go through another edit, to cut such extraneous words, which will greatly improve the general flow, and therefore reader engagement. "Your mother has been known to be wrong before.” He looked at her and winked, “Don’t tell her I said that, she might get angry." - Lol, this is a good line, and a nice father-daughter moment, but let the reader have the ending. We all know why he's asking her not to tell, you don't need to explain it. When things are obvious, don't explain them. It's much more satisfying for the reader; it feels more like a shared joke. Her mother's name starts with an 'M' as well? That's going to be even more confusing, if she plays a part in the story. This is an interesting conflict her father has presented her with. I like it. Stories don't always have to be about saving the world. Nice work. Does her mother have not other children? I find this a very satisfying conclusion to what was quite a slow chapter, certainly the second part (Wait, is that a separate chapter? No chapter heading?). I like where the story is going, clash of cultures, etc. I'm presuming there will be some more immediately conflict, but I like the groundwork you've put down here. Keen to read more now :) <R>

Super comments, thank you. I shall, once again, go over them in detail when I have more time. You can expect some further comment. When changing from a Newtonian to a relativistic description of time, the concept of absolute time is no longer applicable: events move through the light cone of the observer depending on their acceleration. In other words,

Thank you for reading, K--much appreciated. There's a wire? Right, that's a problem. The others seem generally to be okay with J so far, but I want your buy-in too. I will go back and look at that. I do not disagree with what you are saying. There is background to him that is not revealed here, and insufficiently hinted at, I think. I can fix this!! It is. Setting doesn't have a big role to play in this first section, certainly, or in the next. It will expand as we go. That's good. There will be more in the next section. Thanks again! <R>

Hey, thanks Fox. Feedback much appreciated I'm glad that various things are working for you. I still have some work to do from the other comments, but I'll try not to break anything as I try to fix others things. LOL. Welcome to my world, being slightly further north than you, but this is good. The scene takes place in a dirty back lane, so I think this hits the mark. Thanks again!! (p.s. When you gonna submit something? *Hint, HINT* --- Ah, just checked up on you. Looks good so far. Probably due some more soon?)

WTF, I'm first?! *rolls up sleeves* Chapter 12 "and bit my lower lip" - This is over much for me. S'll be stamping their foot and holding their breath in a minute. "I grabbed at my pouches, the first two I could..." - Is the whole point of the bandolier that it makes it easy to get at the correct pouch? Surely male anatomy is not incorrect, it just doesn't get the succession rights. Chapter 13 "a handful of bewildered guilders with no memory of their trade" - Huh? I forget this bit. WRS, no doubt. "why did you use your alchemical pigments with so many people around?" - Excellent question. I was wondering the same. "It didn't sound like fear anymore" - It never sounded like fear. It was anger from the start in the factory. I don't remember it being described as fear. "we will lose S entirely" - not quite sure, still, how that works. "I didn’t mean to…surprise you. Um, it’s not…a lot of things are happening. Have happened. This…I’m not… If we could just talk." - What? No. This is really stupid. S is not that dense. There's a mod outside and S wants to waste 15 mins in chatting? Also... all that... stuttering... it's... like Jesse... Eisenberg acting... at you. M's speech about the old king. This sounds like maid-and-butler to me. S knows all this, surely. "because my mouth had a bad tendency to run when I was nervous or upset. When it did, it was often without consultation with my brain." - I don't think this is in character. I don't find S that snarky. Summary I enjoyed Chapter 12, good action, good, quick pacing. I liked how it upped the personal stakes, if not necessarily those of the story overall (which are already pretty big: loss of the nation, etc.). Chapter 13 was... annoying more than anything else. It was almost exactly like an Aaron Sorkin script, it seems to me. Walking, stopping, talking, hurrying, stopping, talking. It felt a bit repetitious, like each time they stopped they talked about the same things. I think it needs a good going over to try and smooth things out and refine what is important and necessary. Entertaining though. Always entertaining. <R> (LBLs sent separately)

Bleuch - cheesy Cool.

Right, only the five submission to read this week, but there is only one place to start "We arrived at the end of an ornate hall." - Confused. I thought that the portal was back to the ground. I thought they were building the platform so that the majus could be far enough away from the ceiling so that she could make a portal back to the nether. Maybe it's WRS. "The G were captivated..."- Okay, wait, we ARE back on the ground. I don't think it's clear. Can't you just come out and say, right at the start, 'We were back on...', just so there is no doubt? It's a momentous moment. I think it deserves a big, fat, wow moment. Maybe describe the different races, if we are back on the ground. Are there no guards? No security? The Ef is just going to let them portal into the inner sanctum? Ah, I see they are way at the end, next to the Ef. I don't buy that they would let the new arrivals get so close. And there is no type of screening at all? Bad things have happened in this building before, I seem to remember, subject to timeline, which I'm a little fuzzy on. "An M woman stood next to another K" - Yayyyyy!!!! "W pushed to the front" - How does he do this and not reveal the gun? "He's got a gun" - Good ,I was waiting for this to happen. "Several people... gasped and stepped back" - I don't buy this. The first thing that should happen is that the guards step forward, surely, putting themselves between W and the Ef. "...no other option but to honour this contract..." - No, I don't believe this. No contract signed under coersion can be honoured. There's no way the Ef can permit this, or it would happen all over the place. W has shot a majus!!!!! He's a criminal, thus rendering null and void any contracts that he has made, especially under force of arms. This is a big problem for me. I don't think the logic stands up. "M B, Reader..." - Ooh, ooh - please tell me this is a reference to the SoTH! "When it will be an easy matter to open a portal to any one of your cities." - Do you mean other cities? I wasn't clear on this. "W crept off somewhere" - He's still a criminal, surely he should be arrested? Not to mention charge with murder, or manslaughter. "All the water in the N gathers..." - Awesome!!!! Very Niven-esque. Some detailed comments in the LBLs. Overall, this was a satisfying ending, most definitely. There was some tension in the ending, but perhaps not quite as much as there might have been. I like how it played out, apart from one major issue, which was how W was treated by the authorities. It was nice to see a non-speaking cameo for probably still my favourite characters in the D-verse. Pity it was non-speaking, but good to hear Sam's voice at one point. My memory was not good enough to remember if this was a scene from Seeds. I guess maybe not, as it had all the M/Cs in at, but didn't appears in Seeds, so, it must post-date(?). Anyway, distracted. Looking back, there were some sections that felt slower then others, but I think you generally managed to keep these shorter, and the short sections were effective in keeping me moving forward and not getting bored. Very nice work here. I think Society remains my favourite, but this has turned out to be a strong contender, and is sort of begging for a sequel! Well done, sir

LOL. fair. * Shoot, 'S being dense'. Sorry.

I didn't, but I have now

I had very little difficulty with this section. I enjoyed it and, once W played his cards, it fairly clipped forward and I barely made any more comments. Good job. Really looking forward to the last section now that the stakes are sky high. I did ask myself if I would have enjoyed the previous submission more if the reveal had come earlier, and if that would have worked with the other stuff that happened, but I really don't think it would have. All good. Nice work p.s. - LBLs sent separately.

So, so late... sorry. 14 years-old: I enjoyed the interlude. I thought it was clearer that previous versions, from what I remember: good tension, good notes, and good ending. Chapter 11: This is weird, and I have trouble accepting it. If this thing is close enough to the corner for S to walk right into it, then it's close enough to see before turning the corner. Also, which bit of the house does S walk into that it's the shin that S bruises, and ot their toe? Confusing, and also a blocking issue, I think. I really need some description to help me picture the spirit house scene. I can't get my head around what size the house is; where it is; and how in the seven circles of hades S managed to trip over it in broad daylight (not convinced by that). I think S is increbily dense not to think this the first time S saw him (in real time) with that hair that's the same as S's. How many people have that kind of hair, and the same skin tone (which must be so obvious that it goes without saying, on first glance)? Usual gripes and moans in the LBLs, but I enjoyed this chapter just fine. Good pacing, to the point, no faffing around, and a nice cliffhanger to use us on to the next chapter. the things that bothered me in this one were largely missing description, which left me foundering to picture what was in front off S. Sheltered 17 year-old: Yes. The things I call about her being kind of (unconvincingly) dense are not excused by that age, I think.

I'll throw my name in the hat for next Monday, please.

Hola! and thank you so much for reading. Some great comments here--very helpful. I've fixed a couple things and tweaked others, not to mention taking encouragement from those positives. Thank you again, and again welcome to RE

Hey Jorville, thank you so much for the comments. Excited to read you take on things so far. Good details there. It's definitely sharper now, thanks!! Really great comments, thank you: some really nice fixes there for clarity. Much appreciated <R>