Robinski

Hey, Asmodemon, always a pleasure to read your comments. Thank you for reading again. Much appreciated. I'm pleased that the fixes worked for you. I do try and make changes wherever someone raises a problem, because I figure that, even if I don't or didn't see a problem, doesn't mean it's not there Having said that, your points were all very much problem, so good to know those are reading better. Excellent. I felt that helped with more than one issue. Hopefully, the others will feel the same. Totally agree; excellent point. I'll need to fix this. I'll try and move the call rather than just inserting more text, unless I can think of something worthwhile for Q&M to talk about*. Darn you and your ironclad logic!! I will need to fix this. You make and excellent point. Good points all. I'm trying to show things getting worse in YN. Also, there's another thing, but clearly I'm not or have not managed to plant it in the reader's mind, nor in Q and M's, so they can't even show the reader. I will reconsider this, because these YN POVs are not that popular, certainly M's. I will take another pass at this. This chapter has never been edited, which I usually do at least once before submitting. Having said that, I wrote it, so my bad. Excellent comments. Thanks again. Really appreciate them <R> * - So, as a registered scatterbrain, I need to keep track of what I'm going to change each week, as I don't always do it at the time of reading the fantastic comments on here. So, I'm going to start highlighting the things I'm going to follow up in blue, just in case anyone cared enough to wander what the heck I was playing at. Did I mention I was scatterbrained? Organisation beats scatterbrain 9 times out of 10!!

Hey Kais, very much dreading your wonderful comments, as usual I'm going to keep going with this because it's 'things getting worse'. I don't want to give away anything ahead of time. I appreciate your concern though. This week's sub will provide additional information. Yeah, I will overhaul the whole coercion mini-arc in Draft 2. Yes. Also, if those horror movies were set in the 1950s, because this has a hard core 1950s vibe. But, she's wearing slippers!!! Me neither. I will fix it down the road. Perhaps as a sign of what T values in the relationship above all else, perhaps unlike E. I guess he doesn't. Then again, he isn't a scientist. Yeah, the emphasis is all wrong. Future fix. Correct. Yeah. I don't want to give anything away, in the hope that you would keep going at least until this week. In terms of the the trope you mention. I hope, as a reader, you would also recognise that, in story terms, E is still 'swinging' (i.e. in a baseball bat sense, not the other sense). Now, if E came to a bad end, I would be two for two and would expect to be pilloried at the stake. Hugely useful comments. Thank you.

Hey, ID, thank you so much for commenting. Much appreciated. This is T's first POV to date. I hear what you say, and will keep this written on a big piece of paper above my desk. I'll make that top of my list to consider in Draft 2, when I've reached the end of Draft 1 and I'm starting back in again. Yes, this is my big fix in this chapter, I think. Totally accept that. It was supposed to be about her marriage, and her position in the scientific community, but I think that has been muddied by the fact that Mort is disparaging about her sexuality, but that's not the focus of her concern. I need to clarify that. Yup. Yup. But she's wearing slippers!! Yeah, there's too much going on, I'm trying to pack in too much intrigue and conflict, and I think in earlier scenes I've not sold or explained clearly enough what the plot is. Thanks for those comments. I know I've got issues here but, once past the set up (which we pretty much are now), the rest of the story will flow from that, and I'll go back and sort the M vs T vs E stuff in Draft 2. Another problem, I think is perhaps that Q and M and not properly engaged in the plot yet. Thanks again

Bonjour, tout le monde. I hope everyone is having a pleasant Easter. Attached are Chapters 5 and 6 of TCC; please forgive the slightly higher word-count. Hopefully, these will be interesting, stimulating and exciting enough that you will not notice!! Same old all-encapsulating comments would be splendid. Many thanks. Best, Robinski

Hey Mr. W., thank you for reading. I really appreciate it, as I recall you expressing your doubts from the start that this was somewhere you wanted to be. I will consider your comments about suicide very carefully. It is something that has touched my family in two specific instances, but I am very much open to looking at this again. Have revised it. That he is a bad person, and the agent of a great antagonist is already revealed. Right. To some extent that will be because it's my first draft. While I have an outline of sorts, it's only for the first half, which is how I like to work. The plot reveals its true nature as I go and, inevitably, I need to back a retcon things a bit in the second draft. Similar already is happening here. I'm thinking of this now as my second pass at the first draft, as I haven't complete a version of the story yet. A new connection has revealed itself to me only in going through the very helpful comments on this sub. That will help me clarify things. There is still some mystery to be had, I promise. I might involve retconning the odd reference in the previous three chapters. I appreciate that you think there are obvious links, and these maybe well be obvious in the antagonist / not antagonist way that you refer to. If you do keep reading, I'll be very interested in your reaction to the next couple of chapters. Q will make a couple of calls that will reveal that there is still a mystery, and addition to the unfolding creature feature / horror story. Thank you so much again for these comments. Very helpful indeed in unlocking some of the thought process for me.

Hey, thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated. Yeah, I had a lingering concern about this. You raise good points. I will revisit. Maybe make it about T trying to protect E. Excellent point. I will revise this. I have an idea, involving androids. Ha-ha. I feel like that's the trope, though. It has to be ridiculous or it doesn't work. She was wearing pink slippers, after all, which I did foreshadow. Studded is probably the word I should have used. It is at the moment, I will change this up somehow. I'll reconsider that. I'll re-trace the logic on all of this. Yep, "input" In the sense of to butt. In fact, I will use 'butt' instead. Good notes. Not earned her reaction. I will re-work this. Super comments. Thank you so much for these, challenging things that I knew on some level were not sufficiently convincing. Perfect.

I’ve sent LBLs. I enjoyed this chapter and the way it got into the city much more quickly. The boat ride in the previous version was good, atmospheric and presented an interesting scene with the helmsperson/pilot(?), but it is not particularly missed, and the plot certainly moves forward more quickly. Otherwise no complaints, and really happy to be reading this story again. It flows really well, holds the attention effectively and draws the reader on. Nice work <R> Edit: I think maybe there was more world building in the boat scene, which was a good place for it, but I still don't believe it's missed.

Comments. “Are you trying to say saying…” – You’ve got a habit of phrasing things indirectly, and in a roundabout way, sometimes. This really slows the narrative down. I would put it down to first edit, but it’s not!! Direct phrasing and direct thought (by the pov chr) is more engaging than wordiness and waffling. “You must have been a child when I last taught you anything” – I'm still struggling with the age difference, or not the difference, but W’s perception of it. Did you say she's 25? He's hardly a child when he was 19. When she was 21 he was 15, arguably a child, but she was not long out of childhood. I don't thini the age difference supports this statement. “the last of the night soil had been shifted” – I don't understand the process. I've got problems with the blocking of this scene. Did someone come a take the cart away to empty it thing bring it back, or an empty cart to replace the full one? Instead of having a man with a whet stone materialise out of nowhere, why not have the cart driver come back and interupt their conversation? “giddy from lack of food and water” – Not convinced. How long was she shovelling? With no food or drink? What about the food Lewis brought? The implication here is that it's a good 3 hours, maybe more? I think she would have fainted or torn a muscle long before now if she had not taken breaks and drunk water. There’s something wrong with the mechanics around the night soil. How does it get into a big pile for W to shovel onto a cart? It’s very bad planning, this process, and involves ‘handling’ the n/s multiple times, some of which are unnecessary. It feels like it’s manufactured (the process) to fit the need of the story, but not grounded in reality or logic. “No. W threw back the blankets and vaulted out of bed.” – I laughed at this part, not in a good way. “No longer could she feel > She could no longer feel” – To me, the original is in a different, lofty, formal and somewhat arcane tone, to than rest of the story. I enjoyed this section. I like the things that happen, and I like the way you describe them. I like a lot of the imagery, and I continue to think you’ve got a strong story here. I've sent LBLs separately, and I have some quibbles about language and word choice in certain places, but the above are the main structural elements that I thought I should comment on. I felt that W made the discovery in the forest quite quickly. From a pacing perspective, I would have liked maybe it to seem like she went a bit further into the forest before encountering the creature. It felt a bit too easy to me. Good work. Let’s get on to Chapter 3 now. Don’t be dwelling overly. This stuff will still be here when you come back to fix it <R>

I would like to submit on Monday, if there is a place available.

I have no doubts that you can do it

I like the idea. Nice to read something a bit different on here... Hmm, “new surprize”… What would constitute an old surprise? So, I’m assuming m/c has two moms, but there seems to be some inconsistency in distinguishing between them. I thought at first that one was going to referred to as ‘Mom’ and the other as ‘Mother’, but that does not seem to apply. I’m struggling a bit with the age. My first guess was 12. Then I come to the phrase ‘with regret’, which sounds much more adult to me. I appreciate this is first draft, but this is an pretty clear issue, I think. So far, I am not especially engaged by the story. For me, the voice is very young and the perspective too basic/simplistic for my taste. Also, I will stick my head above the parapet and ask are any male characters? Boys will read about female characters, see under Hunger Games, but a complete absence of male characters would be another matter, I think. “I want to be far up the wall by evening” – I'm confused. They’re going up in the balloon, so what does the drill have to do with anything? I’d prefer the form of the mission to be clearer by this point. I'm finding this really very slow. There is a lot of learning about the world, and names, and families and the time. It’s like being in school. Bored, bored, bored. I’m going outside to play catch. “Turns out, ballooning is boring.” – I'm not sure the word ‘boring’ should be anywhere near this story, certainly not opening a new section. If you want the reader to identify with the character, and the character is bored… Dangerous territory. I'm thinking about character sliders here, for me they are all pretty low. Skipping ahead, I find another section of the story on Page 11 that starts around the theme of boredom. This is where I stop reading. I found nothing for me in this story. I’m afraid nothing engaged me or held my interest. I cannot think of anything about the m/c that would make me want to follow the story through. For me, they are not proactive, not competent and not sympathetic. The preponderance of references to boredom, I think, is a terrible basis for starting even one section of a story, let alone more than one. I can’t help feeling that will leach right into the readers head. Sorry I'm so down on this, but it just does nothing for me, which is really disappointing after the heights of Society. You asked about the Jules Verne-ness. I’m not feeling it, to be honest, because I'm getting no ‘wow’ from the character, the plot or the setting. I’m not getting a sense of grandeur or adventure. I just feel I’m hearing about how bored the m/c is all the time. This is not a fair comparison, but Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone was written for kids, and… wow. I appreciate this is not your natural oeuvre, but I could not get my head around what age the character is, or who the story was for, other than that it was not for me. Really sorry, man. Personally, I would urge you to concentrate on the sophisticated and rewarding adult fiction that you have most definitely been wowing me with for years now. In that area, I think you are going from strength to strength. I’ve said before that Society is, for me, your best story to date. <R>

LOL, I just found the Grammar & Syntax forum on Absolute Write: I may never post here again (jokes)

Hey Wiz! First of all, breathe deeply... , imagine your happy place... , close your eyes and count to twenty... ...and we're calm again. All I can do is chuck a bunch of stuff out there and see if anything sticks. This is not even necessarily what I do, but a combination of stuff that I've managed to retain from 12.25 seasons of Writing Excuses and Brandon's lectures on You Tube, but here goes. Basics - There are certain fundamentals that, while they can be changed, are likely to be central in defining your character. Male/female/other; young/old; profession; location; family situation. From what you say, this part actually is problematic, because you are falling into a rut here and ending up with the same characters, so, change something. Change one of those principal facets that you listed out. Make the character female; allow him to love his life, but be dragged away from it by some external force, or internal need that is greater, a duty perhaps. The sliders are tricky. If you make your character incompetent you're going to struggle to get them to affect the world. Too competent and they could be boring. Sympathy; well, you need some, and I forget they other slider (oops). You talk about falling into pre-defined roles. Don't fit your characters into roles. If the drop in there naturally then change them. Make the torturing female the mentor; make the officer the antagonist. Change something that is 'standard'. If it doesn't work, maybe that's because you want to write a story with 'standard' roles. It doesn't need to be bad, it can be done well, and could still be really good practice. One Process - Mine. By way of example. I write character sketches. So, for example Q and M. I wrote a couple of pages on each. They did kind of pop up out of my head, but the process started in answering the Writing Prompt from Season 10, Episode 4 of WE, which asked that you audition five characters for the main role in the story ideas generated by the previous prompts in Season 10. So, I wrote five different characters. There were Q; M; Professor Robot (which became Eighty); Fatal Fem (unused); and Boy Wonder (unused). Low Hanging Fruit - Spend time on your characters before you start writing story. Write a sketch. Read it, change it. It's boring? Change something. Eg: I'm sitting in a coffee shop having breakfast and writing (OMG, I'm a stereotype!!! ). So, the barista is a young man; fairly short; trying to grow a beard; speaks quite quickly; he is competent at his job. First assumption: he hates the job and harbours dreams of breaking away and travelling in search of adventure, finding love, becoming a famous musician. Boring stereotype. So, he loves his job, but still wants to follow his dream, and so must chose between the two. Or, he falls for someone on the internet and risk all in going to Latvia to meet here, taking his guitar, of course. No, his bass, because he's an awesome bassist (bassist need love too, I'm advised). He gets to Latvia and it turns out the girl he's never met lives in a slum, but she's been taken by people traffickers to Paris. He goes to Paris, armed with nothing more than his acoustic bass and a bad screen capture of the girl. He's mixing in bad circles, living in slums, turns to crime and ends up in the French Foreign Legion. Summary: change things. Start somewhere, but don't stay there. Change something, then something else, and push to the end of the line. Save. Start again. If you write a handful of characters in this way, I would expect you will find one that will draw you in and excite you enough to make them the star of your story. Okay, the above in contemporary, but you names could of course be changed. And this does not need to be in the story. Taking the example of your present character (a name would help the reader to identify with them, I think), the above template could all be backstory, not actually appearing in the book, but informing his choices, his state of mind, his mood and reactions to events and people in the story. I'm not saying do this for all the main characters in your story, but you easily could write an paragraph for each one, mixing up gender, sexuality, profession (skill set), etc. Your Story - Don't get downhearted because of the reactions you got last week. I think the reaction was pretty good, and there is a good base to work from there, but it never happens first time. I'm presuming that is all you have at the moment, or not much more than that first chapter? I think that's a great point at which to try an exercise like this, look at changing up the characters, auditioning those roles to a range of different characters or character types, which you sketch out portraits of. You will chuck some or most, but it will stretch that characterisation muscle if nothing else. I think you have an idea with potential, a character with a decent voice and a potentially interesting setting. I think you most likely will work better if you put in some work developing them, but only because I am 50/50 outliner/discovery, and like to have something to write from/towards. I would urge you to keep going with this, but put time into the characters and setting before getting too much further into it. I bet you will find that such an approach will generate more ideas for the story unfolding and lead you into developing the plot, or points along that way, that will make the story stronger, and certainly the characters. Good luck! <R>

Okay, all I'm going to say is that--losing track as I am--I don't think you've seen this chapter before, but I've pulled it a bit further forward. 'G is for gore. Enjoy! As usual, anything and everything you see fit to comment on is fair game. Thanks for your consideration! Best, Robinski

Hello everyone. This is Majestic Fox's submission for this week, and he provides the following commentary. Changes for re-write: I've added a character called Dorik, who will first appear in chapter one. He is an old man, and was once a hunter until he went utterly mad. The elders believe it was the dark power of Munoria itself which caused him to go mad. (Munoria being one of two worlds in which the story is set; the forest being the most corrupt and dangerous part of Munoria). The purpose of this character is to show what the elders believe will is likely to happen to Willow should she continue to her disobedience and sin, and her outings to the forest. Thanks for reading. Temporary Fox

Done now. Sorry. There's a fair chance I didn't actually send them before. I get distracted so... Ooh, a butterfly!

Yeah, I'm in this camp. Sure, he's a bad 'un, but he still can be an interesting protagonist. But not the Locke Lamora bit Then maybe he's not the protagonist of your story? Of all the characters, the captain/leader was the most interesting to me, and he's already situated in the army. Maybe try writing something from his perspective? I must disagree with @industrialistDragon ((())) I think a story from the officer's standpoint would be rather boring, as his actions are constrained by duty and a very straightforward (it seems) mission to capture the town.

I’m always up for a new story on here. So, let’s have at it, paying particular attention to the dialogue. I’ll not bother with grammar and such. I’m confused by the blocking, the arrangement of the scene. If the ships are only twenty feet away, and looking right at the viewer, they won’t need rowboats, but simply would put down bridges or planks when tying up at the docks. Also, why would a regiment of marines be in cahoots with pirates? Pirates are not organised, whereas marines are an adjunct of an organised state, surely. Something felt off there, to me. I presume the viewer, who lives in a port town, and is present on the docks, would know about ships. Learn the names and give us more details: these ships will be frigates; schooners; barques; clippers; whatever, but if you are going for a maritime theme, I would do the research to make it believable and more immersive. Again blocking. The curse is funny, but I don’t get how the soldier can be close enough to hear it and not be on the dock. “boatful of chortling marines bumped the dock” – research required, but it’s blocking again. In a port, the docks are high to accommodate large ships, so rowing boats are way below the level of the dock. If this is not the case, then to me it’s not a dock, but a landing stage or some such, possibly a pier. In the absence of any characters to sympathise with (not yet feeling anything for the POV character), my attention is all on grappling with the incongruity of the sailing / marine terms. “jolly” is a word that threw me off completely. I can’t quite get a grasp of the tone of this piece. If these are pirates representing a state/country/nation, then I think ‘privateer’ is probably the more appropriate term, or possibly mercenary. The difficulty I'm having is that pirate is very much an individual or group of individuals out to serve themselves, rather than any state. If the north wall of the fort is buttressed by a building, that will add strength to the wall. Also, the outer wall of the building would take the first impact of a cannonball, possibly providing some protection to the outer wall. So, I’m not entirely following the logic of the strategy. “co-workers” – is a word completely off-tone for a period story like this. “I was always too calm when things went wrong” – I don’t understand this. Ah; the pirate thing. Okay, so it’s the viewpoint character that is ‘incompetent’ in relation to such things, but we’ve been hearing about pirates for several pages now, but his knowledge of tactics seems inconsistent with that. I’ve got to say that, by this point, I'm having no particular issue with then dialogue. The characters don’t have masses of personality, but they have some, and there is some colour in their dialogue, not just dry facts and instructions. There are some POV issues similar to the point of the marines landing on the dock. If the m/c is in the protective force of soldiers, he can’t hear or know that the officer who has remained is sniping at the marines who are muttering about him. Also, why on earth have they sent a group of enemy soldiers to protect the messenger. Surely, they are much more likely to be fired upon than one boy approaching the fort, and a local boy at that. I would have liked more description of the weather as he was walking to the fort. If you mentioning it regularly, it will ground the action more in the adverse conditions. “but his mustache had been waxed, and was repelling the water admirably” – LOL. The use of the word ‘jolly’ is still throwing me off though, as there is nothing jolly about the story so far, so it feels like telling. “but he didn’t particularly care” – POV issue; the character can’t actually know that. The line about growing a spine, and the curt response (from a character out of breath): it’s good dialogue. Not having much experience of your writing, I don’t know how bad it was before, but the dialogue here is pretty convincing for me. Why would the officers point when they can speak to each other in their own language? It looks quite clearly like a writerly device so that the wharf rat can understand what is going on. “self-preservation mode” – this is modern speak, doesn’t fit the tone/period of the story. “help the boat we leave behind to stay alive” – don’t understand. “He didn’t say anything, just watched me go with a bemused smile on his face” – POV issue again. The kid can’t know that, because he’s running away. “They would be watching for something like this, if only because it was the only thing they could reasonably hope to defend against.” – This makes no sense to me. “the north wall where the blocks were new” – you said before that the north wall was weak, confused. The first paragraph of the second part is awkward: needs a good edit. The guards being useless is too convenient. I would rather see the protag being competent and inventive than someone else being conveniently incompetent. It’s low-hanging fruit: easier than puzzling out another way for him to get up to the wall. Are there no guards on the north wall? He can just hop over and go in without being challenged? Too easy. Same for being able to stroll to the tower completely unobserved and climb it without being seen. There being no one in the courtyard beggared belief. There were some nice notes about the weather, tiredness and the availability of footholds, but otherwise this second part was unconvincing to me. There is definitely a story here. The pacing was good, the protag was never idle, always moving forwards, which was fine. I appreciate it was a first pass, and clearly there is work to be done. I thought the first section hung together pretty well, but there were notes of logic, and also of detail, that let it down. Those can easily be fixed of course, and I think it will be a decently effective opening to a novel. The thing that disappointed me was a noticeable lack of feeling for the protag. There are some character notes coming through. I like that he is self-serving, and seems to think little of the people of the town and more about getting himself away. That was fine, but I'd like to know more about the whys of that, more about him as a person early on, so I can engage with him better. The second section was rougher, but the thing that troubled me over it was that it was all too easy. Don’t know if you’ve listened to the Writing Excuses podcasts, but ‘low hanging fruit’ is a phrase that comes up from time to time. Essentially, the first idea is never the best of most original. Protag getting up and over the wall and only encountering three guards during an invasion is pretty ridiculous, if you think about it. Some nice work here. I'm hoping to read more of it. <R>

That is freakin' fantastic!

That's a tricky one. Fashion would seem a good way to go, but I don't have a lasting memory of the fashion in Seeds, so might not be the most effective. I suppose the SBs themselves are a difference: they are presents in Seeds, are they not? That's one thing I have had in mind. I mean, intellectually, I know I am in an earlier time, because Man himself is there, but there is nothing so clear as steam power vs electricity. I wonder how important it is, but probably only because I can't think of anything! You could use a throwaway line like 'might as well dream of a science ship that sailed between worlds'. That as least would link to one O.C. story. If anything else occurs to me I will come back and post it here

I'm not sure that it's not because I am so comfortable in the company of M.F. that I don't think of it as a prequel to Seeds on the other actives of Or and Ri. It might also be because there is no noticeable different between the two 'eras' in terms of tech or dress or other date markers.

Yes, you've made this a big deal. Don't even think of disappointing us now! I've suggested an LBL there, because I had a similar issue. I too found it out of character, and I though perhaps that she might not have found a good opportunity to let him down kindly? Well, you did ask... I could see that point of view on the elder scene. Maybe it's a bit pat in the set up. Circle of elders in grand surroundings; supplicant has been 'bad'/broken the rules, gets chastised for transgressions; punishment is meted out; supplicant goes away feeling bitter and angry. I very much accept that you need the scene, and need it to work that way. I agree with others that doling out explanation is the thing that keeps the scene interesting and moving forward, so, starting that explanation earlier in the scene might well be the way to distract the reader from any patness/canned-ness that might come across. Ooh, I just realised that I could read ahead ...

Delighted to be reading Chapter 2 now. Apologies for lateness of these comments. I know you are travelling now. Have a great trip: there will be tonnes of comments awaiting your return, I’m sure!! I will email LBLs separately, but will paste the substantive comments here. I’m going to do a survey of the character names to see how well I remember them, mostly to hark back to the comment (not just from me, I think) about how many characters were introduced in the first chapter. So, Ol=yes (the teacher of initiates?); High=yes (the hunter?); Pete=yes (as you’ve tagged his profession again. I can’t help feeling blacksmiths are a cliché now). L=no; first one that I don’t remember. Oh, wait, she’s the hunter. The tag certainly is needed here, I think. The name is quite grand; maybe doesn’t sound very hunter-y. W is engaging in her caring attitude, which does her credit, and makes me want her to succeed. The aspect of her character that is a bit off-putting is her indecisiveness. That could be a real weakness going forward. She has goals, yes, and that is so important to keep her engaging, but I would be cautious about how hesitant/indecisive you make her. Bunch more names coming up, but you sort of get away with it by prefixing them all with the title ‘Elder’. I don’t remember who Gr is when first mentioned, and I still don’t by the time we get to W resuming her duties. This is a problem, I think. I want to know (remember) what Gr does. “…as Mistress L had has consented…” – I don't buy this. The tone has been quite informal up to now with names and forms of address, not really using them much at all. This sounds like it's from a different story. “You’ve never trusted me.” – This is something you've flagged before, but I don't you've yet explained it clearly enough for the reader to buy into it. Why is W not trusted; why is she apart from everyone else? · “turning his eyes on to W-----” – I think you too often describe what everyone's eyes are doing; it's becoming particularly noticeable in this scene, but I remember it from other too. A little of that goes quite a long way. Edit: this recurrs several times. Doing a search, there are fifteen instances of describing what people do with their eyes, or W does to their eyes. I think that’s too much, and often it sounds rather clumsey, I thought, compared to some other, simpler description. “She had no idea the elders viewed her this way.” – Really? It seems strange, almost unbelievable, that she could reach the age she has without knowing this, without challenging someone and finding out, or just guessing why she was treated as someone apart. It's not that hard to guess, if she knows her origin. “resenting how womanly it made her” – Odd thought. I don't think we've had any other notion of this feeling within her. “had considered snuffing her life out” – Did he say that? Not sure I picked that up. “Brought you some stew” – I think there is a gap here, surely? L would not know that W was not going to commons until he had been there, or certainly, he would need to have gone there and come back with the stew. It does not read that way though, which threw me right out. I enjoyed this. There is lots going on, and plenty to think about. The easy style carries me through and I think there is a pretty engaging character there, who has complexity, and also has a clear goal. There are conflicts and challenges too, which is a must, of course, and I think you’ve managed that well. I have some issues, but not major ones, still, I think these are easily fixable without major changes. Line-by-line suggestions sent separately. I am looking forward to next week, as you’ve promised some rule breaking action in the pretty near future Good work. <R>