Robinski

Lol. @Silk already has a badge

I've only got 5 years.

Thank you for reading, Jorville. Good that characters are coming over well. Good point, I will flag this as something to be fixed on the next edit pass, and I will try and address it going forward. I've tweaked this. I've edited this. Hopefully it's clearer. Yeah, that's practically a pun, isn't it? I've rephrased. Good point. I've done that. Sorry, I don't follow this point. Can you clarify, please? Yeah, reworded. Interesting. As in 'on to you'. I've simplified. Noted. I'll see how it plays across all critiques, but I have switched a couple for her name. Good call, J. I've added something to that effect, that J sees G as useful. It's a rather heartless position, but that's more like what J would think. Good catch. Really useful comments, thank you very much

No problem for me, personally speaking. Get that submission in, Fox. I'm still expecting to read it this week

Hey, I would like to submit on Monday, please.

Wow, no way!! That's awesome

Many thanks for commenting, Man; much appreciated. Great comments here. Right, yes, this needs to be a factor, and would be relatively easy to insert. Thank you. I accept that I haven't found the through line for this yet. It's something that I will fine tune in the first edit, but I can and will fix it. Gah, no. I've changed this. I think I meant his jacket pocket. The magic system is definitely in its infancy, and there are many gaps in it (off screen). The result is that there are logic issues with what does appear, as I am making it up as I go along. I'll need to spend time developing it, but I'd like to get through the first draft before I do that. Actually, you've just prompt a fantastic idea!!! Thank you so much I've edited the first bit, I think it reads better now. Thanks. I'm envisaging they would have a very short time. It's easier and safer of course to minimise time sneaking around. I need to convey this, of course, in the story!! Yeah, the whole timing this is a problem that I need to fix. There are other factors I need to take account of. Thanks for flagging this. Fixed this. Ta. G's uncle. I'll put that down to WRS for the moment. Thanks. Great comments, thank you so much. Some good fixes and a nice bit of inspiration

Sorry for putting this up before I have responded to the critiques from last week, but I am trying hard to keep on track and push myself to put words on the board. L for the usual reasons; D because I feel there are certain themes and actions that evoke drug-taking; and G which perhaps is more for gross, than gore, but there is still some icky stuff in there to do with bones. As always, any and all comments are very much appreciated. <R> p.s. Apologies if there is anything in this that was commented on last week, but I haven't read yet in the Part 4 comments.

Many thanks for the comments, Fox. Thank you, that is encouraging Good point. I'd be perfectly happy to have a little light awe in there. I'll look at punching up the reaction to this line. In fact, Ch, probably should react as her homeland is closer to where tigers live. Ergo P and K might well question what a tiger even is. Thanks for calling me on this, and thank you so much for the LBLs. Very helpful. <R>

I am indebted to you all for your comments, and will get to them and through them just as soon as I can. I've been concentrating on writing and trying to keep up with submitting weekly. The window on submitting to Tor.com is shrinking and I really don't think I'm going to make it, but I continue to strive. In the spirit of keeping going, I'm going to put Part 5 up first

#iagreewithzaywolfe

Me please, me please

Definitely; this story deserves to be finished.

I used to be more focused, and be able to sit in a chair and just go. So, I would say I could comfortably do 1,000 words in half an hour on average. That's no longer my norm, I'm afraid. I'm probably more like double that, BUT, I can easily lapse if I'm looking stuff up, and getting a wee bit sidetracked into taking 3 hours to write 1,000 words. But I would never sit and write for 3 hours anymore, even during Nanowrimo. I'd love to get that focus back, and I think I might one day, but life doesn't give me 3 hours at a time to write. Just does happen at the moment. I'll get back there though, darn it

Ha, so I tried this just now, so I could reply to this thread. It's kinda fun and I see how it could be immersive. The demo drew me in and I started with a title, but lost my test challenge by spending too much time thinking about what this was, and how it would go. I signed up, but my test words were gone!! The annoyed me and I had to get them down again before I lost them, and it was moving towards being an interesting story. The outturn was that I won 3 easy challenges and passed wrote 464 words, so passing a daily streak milestone, apparently. So I guess it was effective in that it made me write, but my method, I think, would rail against this, as I tend to take minutes off to mull, do a little side research, check a word, and come back. It does take me a while to get word count up, so I' not sure if this would be the thing for we. We'll see. I dare say I will now get an email every day reminding me to go back. Jury's out so far.

Well, I got here in the end. Apologies for the delay. Chapter 3 What an excellent opening to the chapter. M/c was banging on about that pork in previous chapters, but now I can see why. I'm still not sure it overrode the situation he was in, but I felt how remarkable it was from your excellent description. It strikes me (a) that you like pork, and (b) that this is an excellent example of Dan Wells' sometime approach to description, i.e to describe one thing in great detail. I think you've done that with great style there, and the added touch of the interaction with the women just crowns it nicely. The whole first page is a neat summary of where S is at the moment, and I really appreciated that after a couple of weeks' WRS. I didn't quite follow the bit about stabilising force. Does the pork joint have magical properties? I like the phrase 'hung to death', lol, that is sort of the idea. 'Lots' of missing words, typos and grammar, but not point in stopping for that in this version, under the circumstances. As with you other work, this has a nice flow, very effective description and a good balance between narrative, character's inner thoughts and forward motion, I think. Very readable. H&M, lol. These are rather thinly-veiled character names. Are we supposed to draw a conclusion about their nature and place in the story from that? You description of the investigator is excellent, and makes me feel suitably ashamed of the paltry effort I've written for Dras in my story. It's a weakness of mine, and I have a tendency to tell, not show. This is how it's done. Great work "then it was game over" - I am very much not a fan of using modern idioms in 'period' fiction, it spoils the mood that the writer has created of a period fantasy setting by making me think if Pacman. "Calling for backup" is the same thing. The interchange outside the magician's shot was very effective. I feel the tension, the apparent hopelessness of S's situation. I think I railed against P's passivity and timorousness in the first submission. Clearly, it's not dissipated any!! I understand the reasons to complain about it. The thing is, you now have the strong balancing force in the powerful female character of the investigator, so P is no longer the only female character, and there is now a counterpoint to P's weakness. The great thing about an apparently weak character, of course, is the great potential for them to surprise the reader, and P is not being completely passive, in that she is making suggestions, and clearly has some agency in that she is trying to help S out. I think it's something to be cautious about, but I've turned around on this point. I think it would be a shame to weaken the strong sense of character that you've created for her. I think you just need to be cautious about how you have S behave toward her. (p.s. Have you seen The Illusionist on N'flix? It's very good, and shares a lot of DNA with Ripper Street, which you may remember. Anyway, the titular Alienist has a housekeeper who behaves in a somewhat similar way. Don't mean anything by this, I just wonder if that arc is where we are going. Two great shows there, if you like serial killer mysteries.) Super stinger at the end of the chapter. Surprising yet inevitable, as WE would say. Chapter 4 "broad-brimmed hat" - hats don't have broad rims. Sorry, but that one was bugging me. Now, the serving of the tea. I was going to complain about this, because a server would never lift the cup of tea and place it in the hands of the recipient, even if the cup was on a saucer, which you didn't say, but which I presume must by the case of the world will end in 37 minutes. Standard procedure would be for cup on saucer to be placed within easy reach of the recipient. Then, I'm thinking that P did this on purpose, in order to convey something to S, i.e. drink the freakin' tea now!! All I would say that, is that I'd like S to remark on the address of P placing the cup and saucer in his hand. Also, she should pour the tea from a pot. There is a pot isn't there? Tell me she's to brought a tray with the tea already in the cup? Has she done that because of what's coming next (surely)? If that's the case, again, I'd like to see S call that out in his mind as odd and uncharacteristic behaviour. "slipping a blade across his throat" - would he not think of slipping a noose around his neck, as you mentioned that hanging was the preferred mode of execution? "what it normally looked like" also "It was shockingly similar" - This is the first use of breath that we're seeing here, so I think you have to go deeper and further into describing it, and not using 'it' in phrasing, but instead underlining the nature of the substance. Keep it full square at the front of my mind what is going on here. Another one "But for the lack heat it was just like normal". I'm meaning to replace all these instances of 'it' with phrases like 'the alien substance', 'the malleable gas', 'the fluid material' - help me sense what is going on, rather than just saying 'it'. "'Oh no. What have I done? Are you alright, sir?" One way to soften P's subservience a little, without doing major damage to her general demeanour might be to reduce the number of times she calls him 'sir'. Good, strong chapter; lots of tension. This visit had to happen, but you brought in the surprise element of the cheat substance, which you had nicely foreshadowed - twice (H&M talking about it, then the package), in a very subtle way, through the vehicle of the tea. Very well done. You also conveyed the wrongness of the cheat, so it can't be any kind of effective substitute for the real thing. Excellent work: this is the chapter that really enables me to embrace the story and the characters. I am certainly rooting for S and P now, individually, but also as a romantic unit. Chapter 5 The conversation with K feels a bit messy, and I think the dialogue could do with some refinement. There seem to be some hanging details too. I don't understand the reference to 'last night', is that a continuity issue? Also, I'd like some reference to the fact that he's left P alone downstairs with the grumpy man (who might well come back in). Don't go overlooking P now that you've made her such a strong character, that would not serve her meek and rather subservient nature well. You still need to give her her place. I don't buy the orphan thins. It's strains my disbelief. These people are criminals, but all proceed go to an orphanage? Oh, please. It's drawing the lines of good and bad, black and white, too starkly. I hope K is lying and it is in fact a criminal enterprise. Oh, I mistook the situation. I did not pick up that P was not with him. "Whatever had given him the impression that a beautiful woman like P would ever be interested him?" - I think it would be good to add 'in that way' at the end here. P certainly has interest in S on some level, so I think his incredulity is too naive on his part if it's applied to all interest. He knows she's interested in helping him, in being employed by him, interested in his professional pursuits. It occurs to me that 'seekers' is a bit prosaic as a title for this profession. Also, it can't completely be ignored that there are Seekers on a Q-ditch field, and that term is fairly common in the HP books. "Why could he not be wise and magnanimous like a proper magician?" - I don't like this characterisation of all other wizards. The story is more complex and elegant than this, and deserves a more realistic assessment of magicians. Surely, they are all different, and by no means can they, as a rule, all be wise and magnanimous. "'Alright, I like dressing up" - this is just a lovely, simple character moment. Well done. "They would surely prevail" - I'd love it if there was more uncertainty in this statement, such as "They would prevail, surely." - I think that phrasing betrays uncertainty more effectively. Summary I totally agree with @Mandamon, I think that your story really takes off here and we have good forward momentum. I would be very keen to read on. There is a main plot, a romantic plot, and some interesting side ventures and characters. The story is very well delivered, and the narrative has a simple yet very effective style, laced with evocative description. There are many strengths in this, and the weaknesses are things that very easily can be improved. I think you've got something very promising here, and id like to see more of it down the line. You mentioned that you felt now that it was a novel, but I'm not so sure. The scale and scope are still quite personal and localised, and the setting is not so sweeping that you have too many locations for the novella. Neither do you have too many characters for the shorter form, I think. You've got an antagonist and supporting characters that are interesting. I would urge you to consider trying to bring it in as a novella and see how that goes. I think it would be a good challenge for you, and additional material could be retained for a future novella, a sequel which might ultimately be paired up as three novellas (say) into a full scale novel. Anyway, whatever the case, really good work here. Actually, on some levels this is much more effective than The Green Ocean, because of its pared back scope and concise character roster. There are strengths not weaknesses. I really hope you come back to this soon, and the way to do that is to get TGO finished, then let it mature for a month or two before going back to edit it <R>

Sure, that's why we're here Not a chore. I guess the wheel doesn't come off if one person has a problem with something. Happy to dig into anything you want.

Right then, so, I'm trying 'block out' previous issues on the basis of fixes coming forward for certain things, and look at this with a clean perspective. I don't mean ignoring what was passed before, but trying to react to what is in front of me, if that makes any sense. Also, I'm not doing line edits; I've got too much on, and I figure it's not critical at this stage anyway. Off we go. Scene 7 I'm not sure how a vision can be 'true' when it hasn't happened yet. At the foot of Page 1, when there is talk of pain, I'm confused as to whether this is happening now, or she's still recalling what previous visions felt like. When it is the image of a woman that the phoenix takes, why would M not consider her as a 'she', rather than an 'it'? Then, she thinks of her child as an 'it', although I appreciate that this may be because she doesn't know what sex to attribute to it. This scene is interesting, but I'm not sure I was gripped. I felt there could have been more in the way of emotional investment from M. Maybe that will come afterward in reflection. Scene 8 I presume she has her eyes closed when she's doing this power thing. Also, what the heck? I thought she was no good as a magic user, I was taken by surprise when she just conjured this ball of power as if it was nothing, required no effort and had no cost (by the look of it). But if her father had been well, it would not have been in question. There something seeming off about this logic. Contradictory/circular, it seems to me. "a blue and gold number" - to me, this is a modern phrase and doesn't really fit with the setting. Who is 'the young lady'? We're in M's poverty, so this doesn't fit. Her attitude towards having servants it rather alienating to the reader. It bleeds away any sympathy that I have for her. I think what went before implied that she was still having visions, but she hasn't practiced the skill for several years? This seemed odd to me. Should be 'Lady D' when the title is used in the name of a particular person. There's something wrong with the grammar when she talks to N. Her concern for her father isn't very strong, it seems to me. She was all ready not to go and see him, and it took N to tell her to do it. That didn't sit well with me. Make the damnation visitors wait. The discussions with Lady K seems a bit insubstantial. I guess it was just the tail of it that M caught. E butting in on the family business seems rather presumptuous. I would have thought M would challenge her on it. I'm about to find out if she does. Why did E send for the healer? Surely somebody else did that as soon as M's father collapsed? I'm confused, but also I feel like she's acting above her station, AND this is something that M should be doing, so it steals agency from M, and makes her look uncaring and inactive. I don't get the concubine reference. I feel that's something we haven't heard about. And then when Mel arrives, E answers for M. Beginning for wonder why M is in the story. I'd happily follow a story about E, who seems much more active, resourceful and interesting. N doesn't need to introduce AM, they know each other already. It sounds odd. "She was a warrior..." - I feel like, after the first couple of chapters, M no longer acts like a warrior, appearing slow to react in difficult situation, shrinking from embarrassment; not putting her father first at the beginning of the day; and now flushing before a man. Eternal youth would be expensive!!!!!????? If that thing exists, and can be made by priests, this has enormous implications for this world. If it was for sale, some king would have bought it by now, or stolen it, not to mention every thief in existence throwing themselves at the temple trying to steal it. More than that, some high priest himself, surely, would have picked one of these up by now, and be the ruler of all creation. I feel like the plot does not consider the reality of such a gewgaw existing in this world. "If the priest of F fail I have you to thank for it." - This is not the right context for this phrase. This phrasing means what it says, which is that 'It's your fault if the priest of F fails.' I'm still not convinced about her attraction to AM. I just don't see the emotional investment behind it. Also, who is Alt, am I supposed to remember him? There is almost no description in the story, which makes the reader work to form a picture. That might be good in some respects, but the reader isn't going to bother with other things, and it will leave them with a rather bland impression of events, I think. Take the priest for example. What does he look like? How is he dressed? Age? In the use of the magic, the priest seems to have no process, no actions, just straight into it, magic flowing. You say M can see the magic, but the reader can't, because it's not described. This instance of the use of magic felt really flat to me. It felt like it was something that had to happen and fail so that M needed to go and get the amulet, and so the scene was whistled through as quickly as possible. My impression of AM, still, is that he is up to no good. He engineered her father's illness so that she has to go the temple and acquire this medallion of eternal life, and then he is going to take it from her for himself. "Farewell, my dear." - I just go no sense of any real and genuine emotion from him, he just feels cold a calculating. Again, I come back to the medallion. Is this the only one in the world? Why on earth would no-one have bought it before now? Scene 9 Yeah, something like this was always going to happen and M was supremely naive. She would have know this if she had thought about it for 10 seconds. This really undermines an credibility the character had. I'm really impatient with her right now. This is the point in TV shows (characters being transparently dim) that I get ready to stop watching and do something else. Presumably now they will try and steal it. "Slipping in stealthily and leaving with the medallion seemed dishonest." - Seriously? I think she will find that's because it's the very dictionary definition of stealing. E's use of the term 'honey' dumps me right out of the story. It's a much more 'modern' expression, it seems to me. Summary I think you've 'lost' me with this submission. It's like reading about a different character. M started out as the fish-out-of-water warrior, and I was largely convinced of that, but in the last couple of submissions--basically when E arrived--M has lost all sympathy and all agency. Now, E does everything. She has the better dialogue, she takes the initiative, and no to crown it all, she is going into action sneaking and thieving and the like, and M is going to bed. I rest my case. I think you've got the wrong main character. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I call I like I see it. I'm sure you can fix it; anything is fixable. Unless you don't think it's an issue of course! Other opinions are available, after all <R>

Really glad to be back reading this again, and interested to see what the rewrite looks like. I reckon it's better for both of us if I steer off the grammar stuff, as you suggest, and keep on the more structural stuff. It's the new me!! Chapter 4 The opening paragraph grabs me, and I like the visceral description. At first I thought it was natural, forgetting (due to WRS, I'm sure) that D is in the grip of the 'mph. The description of the hands threw me a bit. Are they D's hands, or another's? It might be more WRS. Was someone restraining D at the end of the previous chapter, or is this just a physical manifestation of D's attempts to deal with the 'mph? I'm a bit unclear about the blocking. We left them going through the tunnels on Earth, leading to the ship R stashed. Fine. But then they are going through more tunnels to the Dome. Is this on the Moon? There is mention of low gravity, which is a reference to the Moon? Unless it's a reference to the journey to the Moon. Also, the discussion bounces around a bit. I don't mind that, it's good, but only so long as I'm clear on where we are and what's occurring, otherwise I don't really have a fixed point to hold onto during the 'Sorkin-lite' discussion. I think this might be one of the reasons for reduce character engagement. I really like Z because he takes me out of my comfort zone due to his cross-dressing (Is that the correct terminology? Please don't crucify me if I'm wrong!! ). He wears it so well, in that he is totally comfortable in whatever ensemble he is wearing, and he is likeable and usually has a good line. The point I started off on is that I think the voices are too similar. D and A's voices are pretty much indistinguishable to me. Z is not far off them too, and I thinks it's only the description of him that sets him apart, not his dialogue. Ronny, I thought, was quite formal in his phraseology, but he does still use contractions, so he's not totally into the 'self-conscious gangster' style of grammar. I think you could go along way to better/clearer characterisation through diction and dialogue. Further to the above, I think this is noticeable in certain TV shows and movies too, where you can see the writer trying to copy Aaron Sorkin by having everyone speaking in that clipped, 'stressed' style of, incomplete phrases and... totally unnecessary pauses that are, you know, a complete affectation because, like, no-one actually speaks like that, huh? (Jesse Eisenberg, I'm looking at YOU!) I like the revelation about R. It's quite low key. I wouldn't object to another line about how it makes D feel, but still a nice moment. We're entering the second scene, and I'm still not sure I've had positive confirmation that we're on the Moon. Okay, you said "back in South." but they could just be somewhere else on Earth. I'd like that positive confirmation of where we are on the first page of the chapter, and maybe a reminder here at the start of the second scene. If we are on the Moon, and under a dome, I'd quite like a reminder of that, for it for be forced home. What does it look like? Is the black sky above them outside the dome? My engineer's brain is still screaming at "What about the gravity? What about the gravity?" but I think I could get past that if I just had something in the description of setting to tell me I'm on the Moon. "low-gravity spa-treatments" - okay we're on the Moon, but it doesn't feel like it. It's a great opportunity to odd some external 'wow' to your story. "we’ve been navigating for an hour now" - full Transport Planner engagement now. A 'slow, steady pace' I would put at about 1.3m/s x 3,600 seconds = 4,680m. Now, that will not be all walking in a straight line, I assume, but it still implies a dome that could be between 2 and 3 kilometre in diameter. That is immense. Not saying it couldn't be the case, but it takes me back to the missed opportunity for wonder. I know you're not writing Hard SF, nor Space Opera, but a sense of scale and surroundings it still important for creating mood, and aforementioned wonder. 2 to 3km in terms of lunar craters is very much on the small side. The vast majority (of named craters) are well over 10km, quite a few over 100km. However, maybe this society built a Moon city inside a smaller crater, rather the building a free-standing dome. You don't need to go into huge technical description with this stuff, just tell us how it is in one sentence and we will be forced to accept that it was done that way, but providing now information just leaves me guessing, and therefore distracted from the story. Oh, hey, love the projected wanted poster. I like the image that you do create of the environment (its tone if not its actual appearance. If anything a scattering of additional descriptors would only strengthen it, but I still get a nice cyberpunk vibe, almost a Judge Dredd vibe, without the Mega-City One scale. I'm confused where the question comes from to R, and by his answer. Takes me two reads to get that he's giving a story to the officer about D and the others. There was decent forward momentum in that chapter. I like the length of it, but see notes above: I think more description here and there would really strengthen it. Also, D and the other kids are very passive, and R is doing all the lifting. That's okay for a chapter or two, but would not want D to lose initiative for an extended period. Chapter 5 Love the jazzy saucer. Also, here is a good example of an instance of (opportunity to use) dialogue for characterisation. "It’s fabulous, but it stands out." - This is guilt-edged chance for Z to say, 'it stands out like a [blank] at a [blank]'. I imagine, if he were Jewish, he might say something like 'a flamingo at a bar mitzvah.' for example. I don't know, something more spot character for him. In my mind, Z is probably least in need to this, compared to D and A. "I don’t think I’ve ever hugged him before" - great emotional punch; well done. "blood red accents draw handles and buttons" - In a med bay, really? Hmm, doesn't seem likely. I like the way this chapter turns out. I like that they are rebels now, apparently, but it did come out of left field. I can't remember too well if the geopolitical situation is flagged and highlighted earlier in the story, but I think that aspect could stand to be punched up a bit in the first three chapters, so that this lands better. Also, in this newer version, am I right in saying that you've removed all reference to D's father until now? If that's the case, I think I need to hear something about him in passing two or three times before this point, just a reference to him being in prison, or even to D not knowing where he is. Probably there is some reference back there, but I don't remember how it sits in the new version of the story. Chapter 6 Confused by the blaster fire reference, I thought it was in the simulation, I had to go back a reread to get that it was in reality. I think this arises because, again, I don't understand where the saucer is, it hasn't been described, so I've got no context for the arrival of someone in a speeder, or whatever is going on. We get some details now, but only at the point when they're needed, so I haven't had time to settle into the setting (as it were). Also, massive waste of space, money and effort to have cavernous tunnel in a dome, a tunnel dug through lunar regolith under a dome, perhaps. "Computer, target the SE cruisers with rear cannons" - targeting isn't the same as firing. It's s detail, but I think D needs to give the order to fire. The computer should not open fire without that command. I struggled a bit with description of the dynamics of the ship flight. It felt too easy to me. Corners and bends and shafts seemed to appear conveniently when they were needed to escape some fire, or to ram an enemy ship into a wall, which they conveniently obliged by doing. Also, not convinced about D being able to sense twitches of individual gunners before they fire. Such a tiny movement or impression (which D admits, because of thin atmosphere and distance. "The middle is gone now" - great line. I'm not sure about the double punchline at the end of this chapter. "I need to survive." was a bit too far for me, a little bit of a fromage crust on there. I think ending on "Right now, I need to fly." is stronger, personally, and leaves us still feeling the action and tension of the dogfight that just happened. Chapter 7 I've got to say this scene is very weak. We have the two weakest characters in the story (imo), showing no character at all. There's no emotion only facts delivered in clipped dialogue. A remains a pretty much complete mystery. We really don't know what xe wants, how xe feels about anything. Xe describes what Z is doing, but not how xe feels about it, or anything that happened. In fact, it's the same with D. Goes to med bay; gets report on R, sinks to the floor, yes, but where's the emotion? How are you doing, shrug, 'fine'. There was some emotion when R gave D the ship. It was good, but didn't last long. There's a school of thought that 'blank' character allows the reader to project emotions on the events, but personally I don't ascribe to that. Summary Decent escape arc, but shortfall in character emotion and much description of setting (at all) hurt the immersion for me as a reader. I'm still on board to read on, there are certainly strengths in the story in some of the ideas, the pacing and the potential scale, but there are other elements of character, emotion and setting which, if fixed, really could boost the story to another level. I wonder if one route into character would be for you to pay closer attention to the novel that your are reading, and to highlight the sections of description or dialogue that make you feel the character, and then be able to go back and analyse what the author is doing in those sections. Hope this is helpful. <R>

Glad to be back with the Green Ocean, and moving forward, not backwards I'm coding these comments are green for positive or neutral based on our offline conversations and your request from yesterday. (No wider significance to this. No need to anyone else to change what they are doing.) I like the opening description of W's aches and pains, very effective, I thought. A fair few typos, but we're not going there this time around!! I like where the scene goes, into the tentative exploration, laced with doubt about how the creature will react. Have we every heard the name 'Mun...' before? I don't remember, and it feels like something new out of the blue but, because it's where W is from, I feel like we should know about it before now. Did I even know that W thought she was from somewhere else? I think I did, but I can't remember knowing the name. I might all be WRS. "as if her identity had become a malleable thing in this ancient creature’s gaze" - ooh, interesting line: thoughtprovoking. I'm confused by the statements about the divine hand, they seem contradictory. Again the Mun thing, but now she seems less sure than when she told the creature. I feel like W's thought process when she sees the field empty is a bit truncated, incomplete. She doesn't really make a decision, even if it's only to forge ahead and find out what's happening. "'The village was half crushed to rubble. The survivors are on their way here. I'm going to meet them now.'" - Must admit this troubles me. I think there are already too many characters in the village now, and we're about to get a whole new influx, it seems. It might be down to WRS, which will lessen this concern, I'm sure, when I am reading through a complete first draft. There are pieces of language that are, for me, insufficiently positive and certain, like (1) "'The elders will probably want to see you.'" What purpose does his doubt serve? Better for him to know, propel events forward, not leave the reader unsure. (2) "O stood... waiting for the villagers to quiet down..." Someone should be trying to take charge of the situation, even if it's not O, if that would be out of character for her. Okay, I see someone is. There's a good feeling of tension and hubbub in the hall. The feeling of upset, disgruntlement and near-panic comes over quite well, I thought. It's clearly first draft so I'm not going into grammar and word choice, etc. Seems to me that O's statements about 'dr' are contradictory. It's different from all the others. So, based on the other statements, would M normally have been able to handle one, is that the point, that this 'dr' is stronger? K and A, I don't remember their names from the before. I guess it's WRS. I presume K is the child that W interacted with before the sheltering in the caves. I like how you put W on the spot at the end. I felt her discomfort, but also drawn to the next chapter and the inevitable discussion with O and the elders. I remain glad to be back in this story. I feel like it very clearly is a first draft and that it will be greatly improved by a firm edit, but that edit can only be usefully done once the first draft is complete. To edit now would be a waste of time, as you don't really know what exciting new details might come in and influence the earlier stages. So, it is really important to keep going and get through to the end. The issues that I see are language and drafting. I am happy with the plot, the direction of the story, and the conflicts. The characters too, although they can be punched up in a future pass. The main characters, I think are clear enough at this point, and there's enough passing detail in the NPCs for me feel their presence (as it were). So, although I have not typed strings of positive comments here, I summarise my overall impression by saying that I enjoyed this part. I felt it did move events on some, by revealing more interaction between W and the 'dr', and also it gives us the development of the attack on BT. I continue to like the feel of the story, it's closeness to nature, and the feeling that the community relies on nature, is surrounded by it, but also is threatened by it. Looking forward to the next bit, and glad to see it's coming on Monday <R>

Hey, welcome back. I will look forward to that

Not an important one: I will revise this aspect. Thanks, Man.

There are elements of background set up that I have retconned for the purpose of ongoing submissions. These actually matter little from now to the end (I think), but for what it's worth: - J's family have not yet lost their home or their boat, but are under threat of that. Interest is accumulating on the loan, keeping the pressure on J to get (a lot of) money to clear it. - For avoidance of doubt, I made some comments about Chari being unusual in this setting as a woman of colour. Clearly, there is no good reason for that, this setting is not as multi-cultural as the UK is now, but it is not so much of a 'stand-out' issue in what is after all a seafaring nation. I'll deal with that in edits for the first submissions, but also hope to call it out (subtly), as appropriate, going forward. - I seem to have written a submission without any swearing, sex references or violence, sorry about that , I hope it's not boring. Any and all comments welcomed and responded to. <R>

I wouldn't have said so. Flattering is clear enough, but I would have said charm is genuine, engaging likability, whereas flattery can be a negative thing if delivered with an agenda in mind that is not genuine. It's worth looking at the definition of 'smarmy' in parallel with these two. Hmm. This does not attract me towards reading his work which, strangely, I haven't up to now.

Short of G**gling it, I always think of 'alpha' as the first read of the complete work. I struggle with the concept of reading chapters being alpha reading. I prefer the use of 'critique' for that. 'Beta' then would be people reading revised full version, imo. Probably, I'm completely wrong. Will now go and G&&gle it.