Robinski

For my part, not at all! It takes me a couple of weeks to read them anyway at the moment, due to Write About Dragons, so apologies in advance.

Hi JP, thank you for picking the story up again, been a while since I sat an exam, but I have nothing but memories of loathing them. I hope that you missed an exciting submission concluding the particular episode of Covelle and Dyllis's raid on the harbourmaster's office, but I guess only you could be the judge of that! There was nothing germain to this week's submission that I can think of. In relation to Jenqis, he has no direct signifiance to the plot at all. Why should you care about his death? An innocent man and his colleague have been brutally murdered while going about their daily business, a cause for outrage among moral people, but in terms of significance to the plot, you'll need to wait and see. You are the first person to question this, take from that what you like, I think it's a good question to ask. At least one other didn't remember the Theracians, so I take heart from the fact that you did from the couple of references in Benam's dream. I'm writing a new prologue in which there is more about them, and I will consider your comment, which is a good one. Your point about the killer is a good one. I had every intention of glossing over that element, but that isn't good enough or believable, so you are right to call me on it. I'll go back and tidy that part up. Good points, many thanks JP.

Ha, interesting. I'm sure it ultimately comes down to what you like and what you don't. Again, just my impression as a not particularly informed bystander, but some fashion folk seem less aware of their own fashion. Like I said, I was probably a bit harsh the first time - it was probably the neon lights and the make up that set me off.

Action doesn't have to be violence of course, although I sense with Aiden and ex-soldier Ty that it might not be far away depending on the situation. The language thing is intersting. I guess I'm imposing my experience of hearing ithe word use by "young people" typically in London, as it is commonly portrayed in UK media, and I've no reason to doubt that. Such a minor point, don't even think about it again, I'm just intersted in language at a practical level. I'm no fashion expert, but my daughter did study fashion for a couple of years and we did a trip to Milan, also been to Rome twice and Paris 4 or 5 times, but I'm only coughing up impressions from media sources and some fiction over the years - it's your world and obviously things can move on as you see fit. You might think about a throwaway line about the status of Milan, just to set context for those who might expect Milan to come into the picture of world's greatest catwalk shows. I had not problem with Vinja's rationale for being in the group. And I was probably harsh about Vinja's appearance, but the clothing did sound particularly lacking in taste or subtlety. The feminist lobby might be on to you there.

So, I'm going to echo Andy and Mandamon, by saying the that introduction of the numerous characters feels like an info dump or a checklist however, while it feels clunky to read, I did feel that I got a clear picture of the new characters. Vinya does indeed sound like a professional, the ones often found on street corners in dockland areas. I know it's the future, and things may well have changed - but I would have thought that Milan fashion week would be bigger than Rome, it's certainly more recognised as a centre of fashion in Italy at the moment. However there is then Paris Fashion Week - I struggle a little with the suggestion that Rome would be bigger than Paris. It's your story, and it's the near future, so I will of course accept it. Ah-a, I've thought of another alter ego for myself, the Count of Quibbling. I like the line about being too young for being too old - nice spin on the hackneyed original. Why does Ty talk like a nougties teenager? I suppose you're going to say because he was one - but still. Pirates' Code - LOL. I do like the tone of the banter between Ty and Aiden. Overall, I enjoyed this submission. Reservations noted above, however I didn't mind a slowing in the pace but, I feel that it's not so much a slowing down, as there hasn't been anything that I would think of as action yet. I find it readable, I like the style, I think some of the dialogue is a bit clunky and verges on unconvincing in places. I feel that I'm still meeting people, which has kept me going so far, and we've had another pov, which is sparky, but I'm hoping we see some good, meaty conflict/action soon.

@CommandateLemming: Thank you again for your comments, now have time to review in more detail. Interesting what you say about Ahma's pov - not I bad thing, I'm getting, but different - appreciate it is slower sometimes. She's lower in the social pecking order than Jenqis certainly, but I don't see the class structure as SO rigid that she can't knock on a door and go in, especially as she is making a legitimate delivery, and she is entering the clerk's outer office / reception room. Good point about her not registering the smell, I suppose that's a pov cheat in a way - I'll think about that. Fair point about her 'overwhelming' sadness - I'll consider that and may well tweak. Also the point about her fear fading. The 3 inch gash thing - I accept that - it's gone. Back on the muttering comment about 'children' - I'll see what other reactions I get, but will definitely consider trying to wave the flag a little harder where the comment is made, hopefully without smacking anyone in the face with it. Really glad that this scene added something for you, as I really do hope for Ahma to be an interesting character, and to bring something to the story.

Great comments, thanks Lemming. I'll go through them in detail - on the run at the moment (towards work, nothing sinister!). One quick point though, there is a reference to the killer muttering about children, Ahma catches it as the man advances towards her. It was supposed to be subtle, so that the reader didn't recall it until she did when asked the second time by Nertin, but perhaps it was burried a little too deep. "A flicker of surprise crossed his features and he muttered something about children then started towards her."

The bigger question to ask is, did I send the flaming thing? Remember how I said I'd had a couple of beers....(yup). [...Now sent.]

Agreed - all that talk about the short fiction markets, and then with Riding the Mainspring etc. I am also inspired to submit some short stuff here with a view to putting it out into the world!

Love the alternative sports - I'm an NFL fan (cheesehead), so that struck a chord with me. I also like the extrapolation of the Penguin-Lilly. This style is reminding me a little of Jack Vance, although he would certainly not have dropped the F-bomb. He very big on cultures and setting - I like to think of him as a kind of Asimov-Bill Bryson mash-up. Sports fans never forget to eat - major inaccuracy!! ;-) LemmingGrrl says: whose damnation idea was it to have all our major powers begin with U? Ha ha ha, well all those countries have names involving United or Union, which is kind of interesting in itself, don't you think? What's a guanaco? She slipped off one of her moccasins and started beating it against the back of the couch as she yelled, “It's...just...a...storming...game!” - What a wonderful line - love it! If I owned a pair of maccasins, I would probably have done that myself before now. I really enjoyed the sparky encounter between Prax and Anna. Their different characters really shone through, I thought you nailed the tone of the dialogue. I felt I had a clear picture of the party animal and the dorm mother / geek. It's conflict, and yet it's not clear how the relationship is going to go, which is good. Whoooaaa!! Head trip - they're both Lemming?! Okay, I'll admit it, I've had a couple of beers, but this is good stuff. I'm really enjoying this. It's packed with detail, I find the characters well drawn and interesting, and the layering of the game with the alternate reality is all very meta, a bit surreal, which I love. Me having just re-watched Twin Peaks for the Xth time probably doesn't do any harm. I must say, given the choice between Millenial Reign and Haruwin, I know what I'd most like to see more of, and it's Haruwin (in case you were wondering).

To recap; Benam is still in Lufmatho jail, accused of killing a handful of kingsmen, which he does not deny. Ahma has returned to her work after the invasion of inn. Covelle and Dyllis broke into Ghintor (the harbourmaster)’s office, seeking trade intelligence. They disturbed a group of disguised kingsmen apparently lying in wait for Ghintor, who engaged them in combat while Covelle and Dyllis escaped. Covelle uncovered that Dyllis lied to him, and she reveals her manipulation of his emotions through casting. Dyllis revealed the existence of a casters’ group (The Sphere) and its leader (The Modus). They argued over Dyllis’s plan to manipulate Covelle’s father, and things between them became tense. Latterly Dyllis revealed her discovery of the kingsmen’s camp and Covelle reached a conclusion that they are not kingsmen. This submission is hot off the press and I didn’t have time to give it a once over, which I normally would, so please excuse the anomalies. Delighted to receive any comment – many thanks for reading.

This piece certainly raises a lot of questions. There are a lot of interesting images that get the mind thinking, looking for explanation. My difficulty was that the explanation didn’t seem to be there. Okay, I can make up my own explanations and follow story threads down avenues that I want to take them, but the feels more like Role-playing or Writing to me than reading. I get that you want to make the reader think, I just think there is a lot more to said about the subject that seem to be at the heart of the piece. The language could be sharpened up in quite a few places, but – to be fair – I think you did say this was a piece that you hadn’t edited a great deal, hope I remember that correctly. Then I start to ask if the problem is with me and my attitude to flash fiction. Maybe it is just me, but I feel you have enough interesting ideas in there for this to at least be a short story, since these are big topics and deserve more investigation, even if it’s only over half a dozen pages. I mean, the concept of the human race dying out, physically, in your story really hit me – and then I thought what a wasted opportunity it was to explore that a bit further, how it came about, the mechanics of it, the logistics, are absolutely fascinating to ponder. Wrapping it up in a couple of sentences feels like a cop out to me.

What a good idea - I am certainly interested to read that, and will put it on my reading list.

Hey, I wasn't going to submit this week, but it looks like a real slow one, so perhaps I could? Sorry for the last minute thingy.

I'm guessing you're not a real lord, so I'll call you Juugatsu. I'm a Civil Engineer, although some of my critiques might give you reason to question that!! I remember the million words comment, Brandon mentioned it in RE way back. I think it might have been Stephen King? Any-hoo, welcome and get something submitted. We're not proud round these parts, we'll read anything and everything :-)

I'll check out Live Like A Warrior on iTunes or Spotify, I'm not allowed to listens to it via this site apparently. Running Out of Moonlight I have heard before, great tune, although country's not really my thing, I'm a metal-head, but with broad tastes. Anything from Nine Inch Nails to Rachamninov and many points in between. The great Johnny Cash squared that particular circle when he covered NiN's 'Wish' of course - it's a funny old world!

Okay, okay - I hear you. You don't have my Twitter and Facebook too, do you? ;-)

@Lemming: Ha ha, thank you - I will accept bus readers gladly. What loud music were you listening to? I ask as a fan of loud music. Your comments about Dyllis are very helpful. I'm glad this seemed to work for you, largely, and agree that checking and consolidating foreshadowing in the edit will be important. I read foundation (big reveal) about 30 years ago (yikes!) - so you can assume I've forgotten most of it. I accept the maid-and-butler point about Sphere, must say I felt a bit that way after I had written it, but it was Sunday night (guilty as charged). I hear what you say about the cost of the magic. There is certainly a scale, but obviously I haven't been rolling out the magic all that quickly. There is a dramatic instance coming, but it could be a couple of chapter away, maybe three, so I'll need to think about your point carefully. It's not the first time it's been made, so I can see that it's important. I do have a matrix in a spreadsheet!! It's about 8 x 8, which should tell you how much is there behind what you've seen to date - tips and icebergs, etc., but the cost / hurt thing is something I need to review and explain more. Very helpful comments, thank you CL - you should take W&S on the bus more often! :-)

@Andy: thank you for your comments, it's interesting to get a perspective with a gap in it, as it were, I'm glad to hear your comments about pacing. Also about Dyllis and the 'escape' from Ghintor's office. I have modified Covelle's reaction to / thoughts about the long hair comment, which I accept don't ring quite right. The WaD* people thought that Covelle was more entitled to be angry than Dyllis because of her intentions towards his father, althought what I've stressed in editing for the comments so far is that there is no reason for him to feel loyalty towards his family. I hear what you say about the grammar. I'd like to think that too! I wasn't conscious of rushing, but what I would say is that my previous submissions to RE have usually been through a couple of edit's, whereas Waifs and Strays is lucky if it sees one. Thank you again for your comments. *Write About Dragons

I enjoyed this. Notwithstanding I made some comments where I had question or found the grammar a bit tricky, I felt that your style was very readable, with decent pacing and some nice touches, images and surprises here and there. I got a good sense of threat from the dragon. The name Ravage did puzzle me a little. I gather from certain hints that Midowyn was partnered or linked to the dragon, and also that dragons seem to be cooperative beasts that contribute to society in some way. For a ally to have the name Ravage seems a bit 'on-the-nose' prophetic. The other main point that I had was to struggle a little with the perspective in places. 8 does seem a young age and I wondered if Taln reaction's were a little inconsistent here and there, as per certain comments in the tracked version that I emailed back to you. I hope that those and these comments are useful. All in all, I'm keen to read more. (p.s. The dragon coming to the lake city was way too Hobbit-y for my liking!)

Lol, let me know what it is when you find it :-)

As usual, I find your writing assured and challenging. Your style certainly pulls me through the story. There were a couple of places where I felt that the dialogue was hard to attribute. I feel that you are good at showing and not telling, but I'm not sure that I always get what I'm supposed to, as if maybe it is a little oblique in certain aspects, so I feel the need to recount what I’ve taken from the story to see how close I got. So, Archangel sent Lily to retrieve this old data, because there are no actual comms links to Academy 5. I questioned that initial premise at first, always tending to think in current terms, why can’t Cameron waltz in with an external hard drive or two and just down load it all? But I kind of shut those questions out and accepted the premise. I presume the Exulted are former students from other academies, since those of Academy 5 are either still there or dead. From the ending, it seems that Archangel has set up the defenders of Academy 5 so that he can learn about the nature of resistance, and ensure that it does occur in his society. But he has manufactured that situation, it comes from a false viewpoint, so I'm not sure how that profits him really. I suppose that he can see how they resist and learn from that. The trigger for the turn/change is the flower, and yet do they not have plants elsewhere, since they have bread? Or is that manufactured from synthetic wheat? There’s a reference to irradiation, so I presume that they are in some post-war nuclear wasteland, explaining the significance of the flower as an image to imply that humans could return to the wasteland sometime soon, and I presume out of the clutches of Archangel’s society, perhaps. I enjoyed reading the story, the style and the imagery, but I'm not sure I bought the premise about the data and the outturn entirely. Sometimes that isn’t necessary to enjoy a story however, which is what I felt here, but for me there was nothing broken, perhaps just some tweaks with the show-and-tell of the premise and the catalyst for the solution.

To recap; Covelle and Dyllis broke into Ghintor’s office, Covelle was searching for details of his father’s shipments and, perhaps, his own. He finds some of his smuggled tobacco, which leads him to think Ghintor may be a thief. Ghintor and some of his men discover them and they try escape upstairs, blundering into a room of armed men who attack them. Covelle is injured and disoriented. The battle is joined between Ghintor and the men in the room, who Covelle discovers appear to be disguised kingsmen, like those at The Crowded Inn. All comment gratefully received. Manny thanks for reading. Best, Robinski

I think it still holds a lot of interest and it made me ask questions to try and undercover what it is about. I agree that you don't want to come out and just say it, that is not the style of the piece. The one clue that stands out, for me, is probably the most blatant one when the protagonist strikes the female 'figure' - why would he do that? That may lead to the right conclusion. On the document, I think I can print out the comments to PDF, let me try that and email it to you again.

Hmm, I don't get why you didn't see the comments. I can still see then when I open the file from the message that I sent. Are you using Word? Thank for providing explanation. I got that it was the real world and his impression, although only once thinking about it in critiquing, not on first pass. As for the 'secret', I'm not sure I would have seen that without you telling me. It's quite a thing to consider.