Robinski

Ah, since that's the answer to a different question?

Agree - there are some good ones there, without an obvious root, although I see something of a trend towards taking a common name and changing a letter or part, which is a really good way of naming, because it is strange and familiar - e.g. Joffrey, etc. Nice work - look forward to the answer to Mai's question, as I am also code impaired. My programming stopped at BASIC :-/

Interesting set up. Not a great deal of characterisation, other than the sergeant, but interesting premise. Clearly there are environmental conflicts, but I'm not sure I immediately see the human ones, which may be between the 'infected' and non-infected? Intrigued to read more. I'm interested, but I'm not sure I'm wowed, yet. (You've got my more detailed comments on SWN.)

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Well actually that wasn't the right answer. The one ring was in Bilbo's pocket, but clearly, I am not Bilbo Baggins. It was a trick question of course - so don't roll back the quiz. The correct answer was a memory stick with all my writing on it (about 900,000 words). But who was going to guess that. So, play on - I have no idea about the GRRM question.

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven...., You don't want me to type them all, do you? So, I haven't done this before - do I just assume I'm right and have a go? In which case: WLIU, what's in my pocket? (At time of posting, Starter for 10: there are 3 items, one of them is a note of my doctors appointment and another is a handkerchief).

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You can add Glamdring from LotR - Gandalf's sword, and Orcrist, which was Thorin's sword.

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So who goes now? Kasimir again?

I was only able to get 5, which is pathetic!! (I think?)

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Yeah - my problem is I'm an engineer and we're all about fixing things, of course, and 'nuts and bolts'! I usually have an overpowering need to line edit. I think some new writers can benefit from that (at the risk of blowing my own trumpet, I have over 40 years experience of technical (professional) and SFF (amateur) writing), but it definitely blunts my focus on how I feel about the piece. It's something I need to learn to curb.

Detailed comments below, but I must say that I did enjoy this. I like your style, for the most part, although the tendency to repeat the same word several times close together is quite disjointing. I thought that you delivered initial information about the world and the set up well through showing in actions and little bits of exposition, not overloading at this early stage. I like seeing the perspective of someone who looks like they’re on the dark side. I think that’s an interesting choice. I also like the title of the story, which makes me ask some interesting questions – it’s intriguing. I also like the humour, which I thought was well judged, not too much and in the right places. All in all, I think this is an engaging start to a story and I'm keen to read on. Hope you’re submitting next week. ----------------------------------------------- What an excellent first sentence, it drew me in straight away. It’s a great image. The third sentence made me stop for several moments trying to work out what your point is. I'm still not sure I see it – could be clearer. “The woman shoved the rake at one of them. Alduin sighed again, and the skeleton stood up, took the rake from the woman and started to even out the ground of the grave.” LOL – I'm enjoying the wry humour, which is nicely judged so far. Not too much. “wielding it against the ground” felt awkward to me. Are we to deduce she is doing it angrily? I didn’t think that was clear. The woman’s dialogue is rather simple. Is she supposed to come across as uneducated? Nice balance of mystery and exposition in this first section, I though. I felt like I was gaining snippets of knowledge, and asking questions, without getting any info dump. “with the ferocity of an inferno” “large pile of bones to his left that his critters” – suggestion: unnecessary and spoils flow. “The Fire raged within him” – Hmm, so I take it ‘Fire’ is different from ‘fire’? “carefully, so as* not to break any of the fragile bones.” - * or ‘careful not to break...’ – also use of ‘bones’ twice in the one sentence. “resolved into their intended configurations” – this is a lovely phrase, I thought. A bird has wings, surely, not arms. Again, in this section I feel that I'm learning about Alduin’s powers through showing rather than telling, which is good. “The walls of the hall were lined” – suggestion: repetition of ‘hall’ and third use of ‘-alls’ in same line. Again, repetition of ‘hall’ twice in one sentence, quite distracting a breaks up flow. How can the men circle him in a corridor/hall? Why is there a section break after Alduin being struck down? The narrative seems to continue unbroken. “in the blink of an eye” Again, I feel I am learning through being shown it in the fight scene. Command words, artefacts, etc. Feels natural and effective. The repetition of ‘eye’ is quite awkward.

rofl - it should be!!

Honestly, it's almost as if bands don't consider grammar when they are taking a name... of course She Passed Away isn't so aesthetically pleasing.

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Once again, it was interesting to read the submission. I was bothered by some grammar stuff, some disconnects in the narrative (I thought) and some of the word choice, but I never feel that I know what’s going to happen next, which is good in these early stages, I think. I'm still entertained, the rest is fixable. When I got to the part about the refugees, I realised that I do not understand how this world works. I feel like I'm lacking a bunch of basic set-up knowledge. Now if I’ve been given that and forgotten then my bad, however I don’t feel that I have a grasp of this society works. I think it is essentially our world now, but with supernatural creatures. I don’t know however how many of them there are. Are they universally hunted or just the aggressive ones? What do governments / the UN do with them? You say “train car” three times in two lines. I would suggest just saying “car” the second two times – or alternate, but the repetition is awkward to read. Example of awkward word choice. “Meat hooks filled the car” sounds like a huge pile of meat hooks tipped on the floor. I presume you mean something like “lined the walls of the car.” I think stuff like that underlines how important it is to refine description in the edit to help the flow. Finally, I know this is a detailed point and should be below the line, but it comes under my Tense Matters campaign. “It was had been his Master’s long before it was the Council’s.” There are times when one can get away with ‘was’, but here I think here it affects the flow of the sentence. To conclude, I continue to enjoy it, but I think it could be quite a bit tighter. There are numerous characters, and I have trouble remembering them. I'm not convinced they stand out as individuals. Most of the voices are similar. For example, they are all quite quip-y, seems to hold grudges and talk in a pretty aggressive way. Also, I'm often not sure of what role they play in their society, and how this Council works. Hope that these comments are helpful. --------------------------------------------------- Pg.1 – You refer to railways plural, then Renfield family using ‘it’ singular. Marina Marianas Trench. Something paragraph 2 is mixed up. Repetition of the reference to rats. Also, wouldn’t the rats eat all the mice? And, are mice likely to like in that sort of presumably damp environment? In my experience phone reception would be nil. I’ve been in buildings above ground and had no reception. This felt implausible to me, to get phone reception in an underground tunnel. As the conversation with his supervisor goes on I get less and less convinced. It seems a bit pointless You don’t need to repeat large black wall – sounds weird the second time. Ah, okay. “by extension, the face phone” I like the ‘leech / you’re not bleeding’ line, and later the ‘time of the month’ line – excellent. I was confused by mention of the Master (of the Council) and also to Renfield’s former Master (Dracula) in this submission. That’s going to be confusing going forward. Renfield says $100M, but Bannister says 100 G’s – not the same thing of course, but a factor of 1000, which is it? Renfield’s handcuff joke fell flat for me. It just wasn’t funny, imho.

I wasn't counting bootlegs, which I'm not familiar with. I missed Presto, Vapor Trails and Different Stages (doh!), and they have a couple more collections that I didn't remember. Ho hum.

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LOL - it was a complete train-wreck towards the end. Result utterly farcical - like Mexico winning a nuclear war, for example.

Already? Dammit! Looks good to me.

Hey Slowswift, how long do you wait until no-one answers your question and you move on? Also, I see that the RW people arranged the music as well - very interesting to read how they created it.

LMAO Hey, hey - Game of Forums, the sequel to that well known HBO series. Edit: Rush; Fly By Night; Caress of Steel; 2112; All The World's A Stage; Archives; A Farewell To Kings; Hemispheres; Moving Pictures; Permanent Waves; Exit... Stage Left; Signals; Grace Under Pressure; Power Windows; Hold Your Fire; A Show of Hands; Roll The Bones; Test for Echo; Counterparts; Live In Rio; Snakes and Arrows; Clockwork Angels (I got 22, but I'm sure there are a couple missing. There is that cover album they did in abut 2010 - can't remember the name if it.)