Robinski

Great comments everyone, much appreciated. Lots to think about. I'll come back with detailed responses later in the day. Thanks so much!

It's certainly something that can have a huge impact, I'm thinking Game of Thrones of course, take your pick of the exiting main characters! I guess for me it's a question of there being characters left behind to be invested in and who are strong enough to carry the story forward.

Welcome to the first of two parts of this short story. It's fantasy, but I'll tell you right now there are no wizards with pointy hats. I'm interested in any comments that you can give me. Not prescriptive in that sense, you want to line edit, go to town, anything that jumps out at you would be very helpful, I'm sure. Perhaps the single biggest thing though, setting aside issues that can be fixed easily enough in the edit is, are you entertained? Thanks for reading!

I see in reading the other comments that others already picked up many of the things that I did. Is the writing good? I think it could be good, but it's not there yet, needs polish and addressing various style points. Tense and Point of View are significant issues. This said, I smiled a few time, winced a few times, I felt things, which is good of course. It's not possible to say whether the story is good, because we can't see any of it, but there are clearly sources of tension, violence, excitement, mystery. I think you have the components to make a good story here. Are the characters good? Most aren't all that clear. We really only spend any significant time with Tøra and Jaçe. She comes over determined and a bit naive about the world, idealistic, whereas he seems to be the more experienced and realistic of the two. It's a good mix, I think I could enjoy spending some time with them. How is the dialogue and description? I like the dialogue more, I think it hangs together pretty well (with some edits). The description / narrative is where more of the grammar issues are. I know what you mean about stream-of-consciousness, and I wouldn't quibble over a first draft, but some parts read like English is not your first language (Sorry, but you asked for bluntness!). Interest in world: There are a lot of names flying around, with some of them it's unclear what you mean until later, which is not so good, you don't want readers going back to re-read because they can't follow what's going on in places. Stand outs: The mystery of the what the Prorochitsa says that send everyone into a tailspin. The reaction of the queen compounds this, it's so extreme, it drives home the urge to know what was said. The idea of the Prorochitsa is intriguing. I like the easy sibling relationship between Tøra and Jaçe, although I don't quite get their social status or how the society operates - I feel like maybe the world needs some more thinking, but I can't see enough of it to know that. The heartrending separation of the mother and daughter, although I don't really know why that happened (a result of the Prorochitsa's proclamation, I think). Hope this helps good luck with the move

Firstly, an apology that it took so long to get my critique up. No excuses, I just got distracted through the week. Also, it’s the length of a submission in itself! Lots to talk about. So, I looked forward to reading this after our exchanges on the forum. Even the title, for me, evokes early Michael Moorcock, of whom I am a great fan. Detailed comments below the line – and there are quite a few, but please be assured I enjoyed reading your extracts, there are some strong ideas here, and the emotion of the characters came through. I like some of the events that play out, and my interest certainly was piqued. I'm keen to learn what is driving the events. What did the Prorochitsa say that seemed to trigger some truly horrific events, like the queen having her children killed! The major difficulty that I had, which is eminently fixable, is with some of the phrasing and word choice. I now that an edit or two could iron such things out, but there’s nothing quite as effective as weeding them out before they go on the page, so I’ve gone ahead and flagged the stuff that got to me. Overall, I like quite a few of the ideas and would be interested to read a continuous narrative. Some of the reactions were a little odd, but there was good tension and emotion in most of the sections, and some high stakes in some. Hard to see what’s happening of course when it is just snippets on view. I'm going to come back to your questions in a separate post. Thanks for sharing! ------------------------------------------------------ The Time of Men “In the Age of Sunset, darkness rose like smoke tendrils spiralling from a vanquished flame.” – rofl, first line, I couldn’t resist it – I'm sure there should be a comma here ;o) Seriously though, nice opening para, it does put me in mind of the theme running through WoT of the wind blowing down from the hills (or whatever). The world is called Dazhba, but seems to transform into a person “Dazhba tended gardens and encouraged growth”. “a pulsing painting bringing light unto the world” – That’s a lot of ‘ing’ right there. “The Time of Sunrise is so long past there are no written records of its occurrence.” – But doesn’t this very sentence represent proof of that time, has no-one written this story down? Your story of life puts me in mind of a similar section in my first novel, which I'm toying with posting up, interesting to see another take on the subject. “The once dark lands” – typo Bedtime Story Some tense confusion in the first paragraph, it’s all past tense other than this “There are only a handful”. “stood a village of no considerable size” – So, it’s a small village? “Most notably notable, however, was the Sphere in the village Centre” – Why are these words capitalised? I can maybe understand Sphere, since there is obviously some higher significance to what seems like an out-of-context shape, but ‘Centre’ isn’t warranted, imho. “It stood as tall as 5 five grown horses” – Why the numeral? Seems very out of place. I don’t mind them in SF if it’s a code number or some such, but in fantasy, it seems odd in narrative. The description of the Sphere comes into presence tense again before the narrative lapses back into past. “we serve the Clan of the Koroleva, the wisest, kindest woman to grace our land” – Should this be ‘women’, it sounds like it refers to the clan? I see it is as I read on, but it was unclear in the wording here, I thought. “Prorochitsa” – this is a real tongue-twister. “but the 5 since then” – Am I the only person who looks at this and the numeral screams inappropriate? It’s a story, not a text book or an email. I just can’t be doing with this, unless in SF. “and so by right he was eldest” – It’s not by right, he was the eldest, he was born first, that’s just a fact. This section is an enormous info dump. It’s really quite interesting, but I struggle in a big way with a small child asking for this story. For a 6/7 year old, this stuff sounds really boring. All this talk of wombs, ick. “would have a daughter with 2 professional trades; having two babies at the same time” – Okay, now you’re just taunting me with this numeral stuff. I mean really, look through Wheel of Time (all of it), Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, and tell me if the find a single numeral in there. “17 to 20 cycles” – ‘nuff said. Tell me I'm wrong and I’ll shut up (maybe, or not ) “when there was a decidedly loud bang resonating from the front door” – tense is weird here. I'm thinking “when a decidedly loud bang resonated from the front door.” “and it rang a chime that sounded through a matching stone she kept in her pocket” – What now? She’s got Fred Flintstone’s pager?! The Prorochitsa Speaks Your description of the *pro-thingy* is compelling, I'm kind of intoxicated. “Sitting upon a wooden stool for so long has had its drawbacks” – there are a fair few tense inconsistencies throughout. “His head snapped up again, but this time not because he'd nearly fallen asleep again” – awkward repetition. “He blinked, and pulled his eyes from the waif-like girl to read what he has had written” I find some of your phrasing a bit imprecise (if that’s the word I'm looking for). I’ll try and drop some examples. I’ve passed a few, but this is the one that moved me to comment. “...had he not known his way so well, he would have gotten lost.” This statement seems pointless. He does know the way well, so there’s no chance of him getting lost. However, if you say something like “one who did not know the way as well as he, would quickly have become lost,” I think it’s fine. “the ascension ladder” – I think you can trust the reader to assume the ladder goes up – most ladders go both ways ;o) “clumsily clamoured clambered his way up.” Koroleva’ Order “The Koroleva stood. The queen's cool blue eyes stared through the south-facing wall as if it were a window instead, to the direction of her children and their attendants” – The Koroleva is the queen, right? The phrasing could indicate two different people. Also, underlined section phrasing tripped me. “she held her eyes open wide in an effort to hold back the stinging flood that begged to escape her eyes” – repetition, sorry I'm line commenting here, but this stuff is worth getting into, I think. In terms of the scene, very tense, quick shocking when reading the extent of the queen’s orders. I want to know how that plays out! I guess it’s linked to what the Prorochitsa says that he scribe writes down – intriguing. Death of a Brother “For Papa Domashev, the scriber” – it’s his title in this instance. “to bid his him leave” – ‘his leave’ is his permission, typo, I presume. I thought Mertvy was a place, so was confused as heck as to how she knew her brother was dead. There’s no law that says a ‘foreign’ word has to be capitalised, in fact it’s often confusing unnecessarily, and you don’t capitalise it the second time. The Mountain School “The sky rained down,” – No, the rain rained down, not the sky. “looming before them both” – unnecessary. “just past the marker of her seventh year” – I notice you have a tendency towards complex phrasing that can be awkward to understand. Is there anything wrong with saying ‘just reached seven years’? The point-of-view in this section is wavering between the mother and the daughter. It’s a very effective scene, and with some work would be really powerful. “wrapped in furs and robes” – How many robes and furs is she wearing? I presume you mean one of each, but that imprecise phrasing makes it sounds strange, open to incorrect interpretation. Tøra’s Excavation “Tøra knew she didn’t care” – I think phrasing like this takes away from the pace of the narrative, compared to ‘Tøra didn’t care’, which the reader can skate over but still take get message. “that was more important and than the discovery, understanding” “but no amount words of text on paper” – Words are finite, not collective. “Life in Palai must be good, for the boys never returned home” – rather naive! “she clawed at the red clay” – doesn’t she have a tool? “She seemed not to hear him” – again, we are drifting between the two PoVs. Jaçe Recruits “he was determined not to be out there alone with his sister” – but he was all about protecting her, this seems contrary to his early thoughts. “offered to home house them and guide them” “Since then Jaçe and Tøra had not had an easy life, but he'd provided for her” – if he is talking about hiring people to work for her, I would expect they must be quite wealthy, and yet this description does not sound like that is the case. “Coming along across (OR) upon a group of mostly grown boys” “How it goes for you?” – Is the incorrect phrasing supposed to signify that this is not Jaçe’s first language? Normally, ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘How goes it for you?’ would be the usual. “but it can never be said” – tense confusion. I'm wondering where Jaçe does his baking. The Bear and the Child “the bear’s devious glaze gaze” – presumably. “the towers in the City” – why is city capitalised? “a swirl of vibrantly coloured mist surrounded her the spot where she stood” – so it surrounded her? “and she left me at School” – Why is ‘school’ capitalised? A Bite in the Deli “Jaçe’s efforts of demolishing to demolish the plate of meat”

Jack Frost?

It's finished, 1st draft. I suppose I could put it up on the alpha readers thread. No-one yet has read all the way through. The Start Write Now group kind of fragmented away, and my first alpha reader has had to put it to one side (I think). My wife is reading it at the moment, she's halfway through.Yeah, maybe I'll do that and it will refresh the Alpha reader thread. Hey Silk, how do you feel about pinning that thread? p.s. - glad to hear you're back!

It is.

They are just what they sound like, the orphans and street-kids of the town of Lufmatho, which is the setting for the fantasy novel that I finished (Draft 1) about two months ago. The links to the short I'm writing now are very tenuous - it's in the same universe, but that's about it - at the moment, I'm not finished writing yet!!

I'll put my hand in the air for Monday, if there's a spot going spare. First of a two-part fantasy short story.

It's a short story, at the mo it's 4,500 words, but it's going to be maybe 7,500, so I'll need to spilt it over two weeks.

Lol - neither actually! Is not directly drawn from Waifs and Strays, but set in that world, or is it....?

Sorry to hear that. Good luck and welcome back any time.

Well, that's mighty gracious of you to say so, but sometimes I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. Easier to be a critic than a creator. So, just to prove I'm not all mouth and no keyboard, my current project is a short story that borrows from my Nano project from last year (166k word fantasy novel). I plan to post the short up here just after the end of March, which is the target I have set myself for finishing the first draft.

That's awesome! I'm an early bird too. My alarm goes off at 6am (long lie compared to you, Krystalynn!), and I'm sitting in my favourite coffee shop in the city just after it opens at 7am. Unfortunately, I don't work in the city, but in a town 25 minutes to the south so, I put £1.50 in the parking meter, which takes me to 8:24 - then I have to hit the road to get to work just before 9am. That gets me 5 hours a weeks (most weeks) of fairly productive writing time, but that also involves critiquing. I'm not writing as much as I should, because I struggle at weekends to put the time aside. I might get another hour each morning, but once the house wakes up, I struggle. If I'm lucky, I need to go to Aberdeen - a 2+half hour train ride from Glasgow, and I can get some time with my hearphones on, shut out the world and crunch the keys. Evenings are hopeless. Unless it's Nanowrimo (That's the name of the 11th month, right?) I'm getting dozy and just kicking back to watch movies or TV - my job is v. demanding and I need that complete down time.

I just wondered if anyone on here would get this. It's a meme from the BBC Radio 5live movie review show. Two journos (Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode) sit around and talk about movies for 2 hours on a Friday - been doing it for over 10 years and the podcast (and show) is downloaded by like 2.5M(?) people worldwide. They started saying 'Hello to Jason Isaacs' on the show years ago because one of them went to school with him and he listens to the show - they're mates basically. Now it's become a phenomenon and people (the cognoscenti anyway) say it to Isaacs in the street. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lvdrj It's two 50-year olds bickering and sometimes talking about movies. Kermode is a respected film journalist and critic and Mayo is old school DJ and respected radio journalist. If you love film and serious film criticism, I think anyone would enjoy this. Kermode favourite film is The Exorcist. The is possibly best know for his excoriating rants about films like Sex in the City, but he's not an animal, he's a very well-spoken, intellectual sort of bloke, with great things to say about the movies you love and the ones you don't.

Hurrah! The pattern weaves as the pattern wills. We have a winner

Lol - nice one 3rdGen - but you've mashed up my answer to the previous question - Mrs. Doubtfire, with my current poser. Another clue: the wind plays a significant part in the first chapter.

Yeah, we let him think that.

Oh, err, Roman Provinces, hmm, not really my area, but I'll have a punt. Gaul and Britain, maybe, and how about Germanica, or did I just make that up?

It's not that my choice is obscure, but that my descriptions are absolutely terrible!! ;o) This will help. Along the way, our hero gets help from an old man, a sailor, any number of busibodies, and a grumpy soldier/king.

Wow, I've only post on three threads on the entertainment page in the last weeks and I seem to have killed them all! I'll try another clue: It's not the weather that's bothering his dad.

<thumbs up> There can be only one...

Huzzah! My copy arrived a couple of days ago.