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I'm not familiar with that one, but I like it as an example. I feel like it works because no reader is going to think that the writer believes Nazi Germany was wonderful, so the reader and writer are sharing the irony straight away. There's not much risk of misunderstanding about the author's intentions, but there is a nice darkness to the line.

I'd also like to submit something on the 27th now that I'm on a role.

This may be a symptom of not enough caffeine this morning, but I struggled to form an opinion on this. It didn't grip me but nothing leapt out as particularly wrong either. It just felt a bit flat, which given the action towards the end is weird. I wish I could say something more helpful, but I'm struggling to put my finger on what didn't work. Maybe there wasn't enough making me care about Liaf? Two small details that did catch my attention. I liked Liaf's wonder at the number of books. It was a characterful detail and more interesting than a lot of the familiar guard stuff that had characterised him up until then. You might want to cut back on the commas. You use them more often than you need to, and for me at least that disrupts the reading experience.

I'm with Mandamon - this has got me gripped and I want to see where it's going. There seems to be an interesting story developing, and the writing flows pretty well. On reflection I also agree with the point about lots of points of view - to me, it felt like you introduced a lot of characters in a short space of time, and I think that the multiple PoVs added to that. I definitely wouldn't say slow down the pace, but maybe consider slowing down how quickly you throw lots of new characters in? There seemed to be more short sentences than in your previous work, and the varying pace was good. But the way that you vary them is a little odd. You're still using long sentences in scenes of action and tension, where shorter sentences would add to the pace and sense of excitement. I found the beginning of the prologue a bit too heavy on exposition in proportion to action - some of the details of the brewing conflict could probably have come out later. But I did know from the first chapter that the prologue had happened a few years before - there was something in the court scene that indicated this. I like Saffen from the very first sentence. Her cynical attitude, her undermining of heroic values. But after the self-conscious, mocking string of cliches in the third sentence, the apparently straight-faced use of 'wait on them hand and foot' in the fourth slightly undermined what had come before. I didn't understand why Marnar reacted in such an extreme way to Teimen, attacking him and his men. Given that the scene mostly seemed to be from Marnar's perspective this made it seem off and rather unmotivated. Also, why does no-one else in the place react with shock or outrage to the sudden outbreak of violence between these men? At this point I'm interested in Marnar and Saffen, especially Saffen, and I'm looking forward to her having a chance to get out of the house and cause trouble. I'm left with the impression that they're going to get caught up in bigger events.

Thanks for all the great feedback folks. Your comments have given me a lot of encouragement as well as food for thought. I'll try to do some more editing this week and get the next chapter ready for Monday.

This week's episode of WE discussed some of the dangers and pitfalls of gaps between what characters know and what the reader/writer knows. So I'm curious, what examples can you guys think of where this works really well or really badly? For my money, J. B. Priestley's play An Inspector Calls does this pretty well, if a little heavy handedly. There's a dinner party loaded with dramatic irony in which characters living in 1912 make reference to what they expect from coming events, and people watching the play know that they're all wrong and living in a cosy bubble of ignorance. The Hunger Games does a similar thing, but in a different way. Katniss has a far worse understanding of her situation and mental state than the reader does, and this creates tension. What other examples are out there, for better or for worse?

I finally got round to editing the fourth chapter of Fire in the Blood and have sent it round. I'm now more than half way through writing this thing - I'm on something like chapter 18 - but I never seem to find the time to tidy them up enough to share with others. Anyway... Previously: Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus has come to Rome to serve in the household of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general whose life Varus saved. Murena has a young wife, Livia, and a grown up daughter from his previous marriage, Cadmia. The first three chapters were all from Varus's point of view. Thanks for all the feedback so far. I've been reading it and it's been great.

There were some nice scene setting details on the first page that got me hooked in, but from then on out I gradually lost interest. Thinking back over the chapter I don't think I knew enough about who Tarrito was and what was at stake to be gripped by what he was doing. Killing Bylan suddenly made Tarrito a lot less sympathetic. I didn't feel like enough was at stake to make it a justified action. It seemed like a pretty ruthlessly villainous move to me, going straight to murder as a solution without trying other things, and that ran counter to how he seemed in the rest of the chapter. I didn't know enough about what they were planning to be interested in the first half of the conversation with Galen about whether they should go ahead. Without any idea of what's at stake it was a lot of vagueness. Maybe cut to the purpose sooner? The part where I had a problem with the dialogue blocking was that conversation with Galen at the end of the chapter. There was a lot of dialogue without many beats to break it up. Personally, I'd have found it more engaging if it was broken up a little more with bits of movement, description or even Tarrito's thoughts and emotions. I think this has potential for a tense, gripping story, but for that to work I need more reason to care.

I like the fact that the kid wants to go back to his family once things get tough. It's a good way of reinforcing his youth and vulnerability, the inequality between these characters, and it helped to change the dynamic. That said, might it have been more interesting if he was still there when Prince turned up all concerned about the rumours about Rose and the boy? Milton's developing into an intriguing mystery - I think he's at just the right level of mysterious and hidden objectives, without tipping over into forced or annoying. And he seems to serve the purpose of moving the plot along. That said, Milton's purposeful moving things along highlights just how much Rose isn't doing this. If she's obsessed with the manticore I'd at least have expected her to leap more decisively on the opportunity to maybe see a manticore's paw, especially after so much fruitless searching. And I agree that the Rose/Prince thing feels a little forced. It's not completely out of left field, given earlier events, I'd just have liked a little more build up before he made his move.

I'd like to submit something on the 20th if that's OK - I don't have it ready yet, but I'm committing now to motivate myself over the next week.

I liked the description and detail. Hal's interesting, and there are hints of something more going on there that have got me intrigued. But I didn't feel like much happened to challenge Elmer or push his limits, and his lack of a clear purpose means my interest in him is shrinking rather than growing.

I found Kadrian an interesting character. His death wish seemed believable, and the reasons for it made his shift to helping the boy feel believable too. The writing generally flows well - far better than my second ever attempt at a story. Things you might want to work on: You've clearly worked out the background of the character and his setting in detail, but we don't need as much of that detail as you give in this story. Details of how his previous plan was foiled are irrelevant to this particular story, and stuff setting them out slows it down - this was particularly noticeable in the safehouse scene. It might be better to introduce the Master of Truth earlier, to personalise the conflict and raise the tension. As it is, we're nearly two thirds of the way through the story before the antagonist turns up, and that reduces the impact of his presence. In fact, a lack of tension was one of my biggest problems with the story. Kadrian's aim is to get the child out of the city, and his opponents aren't actually trying to stop him doing that. In fact, there's no sign that anyone other than those dead guards cares about the boy, so there's no-one trying to stop Kadrian fulfilling his aim. I'd recommend putting their aims in clearer opposition - either Kadrian's trying to escape and they're trying to catch him, or they're chasing the boy and Kadrian's trying to save him.

This is still some of your best writing that I've seen, and I'm enjoying it. I'm particularly enjoying seeing a fantasy world from the perspective of these ageing farmers, which isn't the sort of viewpoint you normally get. And using the harvest problems to drive conflict between the farmers and council felt like a a natural way of brining in some needed conflict. A couple of points to consider: Given his previously calm demeanour, having Ichu worry about doing things perfectly seems odd. I know that in some ways it's a minor change, but having him think about it in terms of doing them 'right' might work better, and help keep up his unflappable image for readers. I'm not clear how their plan is going to force the council into action - surely it'll show that their action isn't needed, as the farmers are handling it with the help of the god?

Nicely written, but it didn't feel like things moved on much - like you said, he's mostly just wandering. The bit with Colby helped balance this - a nice bit of conflict that was raised and resolved, adding variety to his settling into town. Maybe this is the way to deal with the issue in general - create a challenge or conflict, a short subplot that takes him to the places and events you want to exposit, and then wraps itself up. Something around harvesting maybe? On a much smaller point, I wasn't clear what the municipal/FNG bit was meant to refer to - might be something I've forgotten from earlier, if not it was just a bit confusing, though felt like it hinted at something interesting in Elmer's background.

This is chapter three of a novel I'm working on. I don't think this one has any forgotten f-bombs, though it is a while since I first wrote this chapter. Thanks for the feedback so far. I'm planning to pull it all together after this chapter and see where things are going right and wrong. The story so far... Varus, a legionary in the armies of Rome, was badly injured in a battle in Gaul. He did this saving the life of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a general and senator, who rewarded him with a torc taken from a priest Varus killed, and with an offer of work. On arriving in Rome to work for Murena, Varus lost his purse and almost got into a fight as he made his way through the city. He then arrived at the house of Murena to find the family in mourning for a recently lost child.

I like the interlude. It kills the question I was starting to ask myself of whether there even really was a manticore, but it felt like its presence would help build tension. I feel like there's a disparity in pace between the slow weeks dragging by that the character have got now and the more immediate pursuit I expected at the start. This is probably a matter of my misreading, or of expectation setting at the beginning. I had no idea why they had to try the hazardous river crossing, and that was a problem. Without a compelling reason for them to take that risk it felt pointless, the horse's death unnecessary. In fact I'm still struggling with not knowing the characters' motivations or thoughts about anything. It's not just a lack of Rose's interior world, I didn't feel like events had given Mercedes a compelling reason to turn her back on Rose, and I had no idea why Milton was really out there. Maybe he's meant to be mysterious like that, but without a clearer sense of other people's motivations it's hard for his to stand out by their absence. I do like the descriptions and passage of time, and these are still an interesting set of characters. I just want to know more about what drives them.

This is the best piece of your writing that I've seen so far. There was a really nice balance of description, low level action and the character's thoughts that I found very enjoyable to read. I got a good idea of what was going on inside Ichu's head and the conflict he faces against his own failing body. I'm intrigued as to why he's come out here. I also felt that it did a good job of showing how people in this world make practical use of their magic. If I was looking for a flaw it's that this might be a little too long spent with one character doing not very much. By the end I wanted a change of pace, for him to interact with someone or face a more external challenge. But I was still enjoying it, and if it's interspersed with stuff from the other PoV I could quite happily spend lots of time with Ichu plodding towards the city. You might also want to cut back on the commas a bit - it feels to me like you're using them in some places where they aren't needed. Seriously, though I've tried to find a couple of things to work on, I thought this was really good.

I'd like to submit something on Monday.

If the point is meant to be that Angeltown is, for better or worse, dragging her back towards civilisation then maybe make that more of a focus in the back and forth. So either she goes back because the wild is getting too much and she needs civilisation, and we get to see it benefit her, or it's something about the town that interrupts her hunt and draws her back. For example, maybe her and Prince have their falling out, but it isn't until someone from Angeltown turns up and says 'you're needed', or a clue leads them back there, that he drags her back. I don't know, I'm mostly just thinking out loud here, as I find that helps me. Though to be honest Angeltown doesn't feel very civilised at the moment, and Rose hasn't been responding well to its more 'civilised' parts, like the policeman. So maybe you need to change the town, or how she's interacting with it, or what it means? Hm, tricky. I think that jParker's point about the burlesque is an example of the problem I have with the town as representing civilisation. Compared with the hospitable way she's being treated by people in the wilderness (initial meeting mix-ups aside), this shows Angeltown as a bad place, civilisation as a warped thing. As jParker says, there's an opportunity to explore that theme and Maxi's character more there, but that runs counter to Angeltown as a civilised anchor.

What are you trying to achieve with the back and forth between hills and town? Is it even a deliberate thing, or something that's emerged from other aspects of the story? Knowing that might help us in thinking about making it work.

I used to be extremely reticent to include my characters' thoughts and motivations in the text, but I find now that, as long as I don't overdo it, a bit of it can help. It doesn't have to be 'Rose did this because...'. You can say that Maxi looks pitiful, or reminds Rose of someone from her past, and then when she helps him the reader will already be clued in as to why. Actions too - if she tries to track the manticore without Prince but finds she's getting nowhere and getting frustrated then decides to ride back to town, right there we know why she's doing it. And in both cases it reveals character too. Just the first ideas off the top of my head, to see if they help spark ideas of your own!

I couldn't see a thread for commenting on the next instalment, chapters 7 and 8, so I'll leave my thoughts here. I like that there seems to be a bigger plotline brewing in the background with the stuff the journalists are looking into. I assume Rose is going to get drawn into that somehow, and I'm looking forward to finding out more about it. I liked the interaction with the streetlady - it was characterful without slowing anything down. I don't feel like Rose has much of a sense of purpose, and this is a mismatch with her stated obsession with finding the manticore. I'm not sure why she's doing the things she's doing - going back to look for Prince, rescuing the boy, promptly giving up on looking for Prince - there are times when she seems to be doing anything but look for the manticore. As a result I'm not feeling a lot of momentum in the plot. If we got more of an insight into what's going on in her head that might help, though I'm sure there are other ways to deal with this too. The idea that she was going to teach Maxi to read just so he could make notes for her made no sense to me. Teaching someone to read is a huge, slow task, and seems like a big distraction from her manticore hunt. I think that you could drop this and have Maxi already able to read and write, or drop his taking notes and have her try to teach him a little as they travel. I like Maxi as a character. He's interesting and vulnerable, and he highlights a lot of the inequalities and twisted power dynamics of the frontier world. I like the way that you're revealing his character, for example the inquisitiveness that showed in his repeated questions.

Having only read the first part this morning I don't have much different to say about this. I still like the way the character's developing, and there are now some potentially interesting people around her. I still don't have a good idea of the culture, look and feel of the setting, though there are some well described details like the elder's study. One specific point - the phrase research centre didn't seem right to me. It feels very modern, when as far as I can tell the setting isn't a modern one.

I enjoyed this, and actually really liked the first page that some others found too slow - I thought it had a nice balance of description and characterisation. As the others have mentioned, there's not much happening and there's still no clear sign of what the protagonist's after, which could become a problem if it goes on too long. But I like the writing style, and that kept my attention despite the slow pace.

There's a lot to like here. The central character is interesting and her central challenge of overcoming her disability brings together the internal emotional conflict of trying to overcome her own limitations with an external conflict of overcoming the limitations of society and the magic system. Really interesting. I also like the magic system, which so far feels like a sort of super-powered Tai Chi. What I thought the story was missing so far was description and detail of the setting. I had no idea what the place or most of the characters looked like, and that made it hard to picture it in my mind. Just a few architectural details or references to what she's wearing early on could really help with this.