Mags

Life update + random thoughts I guess (It's kind of . . . angsty? idk i'm tired and stressed):

-school is hard and I am always tired.

-There's like this AP art gallery/ art contest thing I have to go to after school today . . . It's a competition and there's prizes and food and stuff but I don't really feel like going. My painting looks kind of dinky (yeah that's the best word to describe it) compared to everyone else's, and it's making me feel very impostor syndromey. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, and I genuinely don't care about winning, but it still makes me feel kind of silly being there idk. Maybe I'll feel better about it later, plus they promised there'd be food so I guess it's worth going for that.

-My grades are dropping because I missed some school, but I should be able to fix it before the end of the semester. Doesn't stop me from being stressed about it lol.

-The plan was to start ACT prep at the beginning of December, and I did do some research on studying, and I even checked out the study manual. But I'm always exhausted when I get home from school . . . now it's Dec 6th and I haven't started at all and so I'm feeling down about that. It just feels so impossible rn with everything else I have to do. Part of it just doesn't want to do it all honestly. I know from the end of level testing last year that if I were to take it without studying at all I'd still get a decent score. Studying would just help me get an above average score so I can get a good scholarship. I don't even know if I want to go to college, but I thought it would be dumb to pass up the opportunity. But now the stress of it all makes me want to just completely give up.

-I recently found a new fandom I'm enjoying, so that's making me happy.

-One of my half year classes that ends in a little less than a month sucks . . . I'm certainly glad it's ending but it's still stressful. The teacher didn't really actually teach us anything (I could rant about how terrible the class was set up for hours), and now at the end of the term we have to:

1- build a complicated final project that requires massive amounts of knowledge and skill that I don't have and the class didn't teach me.

2-Take an end of level exam thing that includes things on it we were never taught, or only briefly covered. (This isn't an exaggeration, I'm friends with the one kid in that class who knows what they're doing, and they told me that even they had no idea what the questions were).

I should be able to manage a passing grade if I flunk both things which is good, but it certainly won't be a good grade. I do know that if I get a C or B, it won't drop my GPA very much at all so at this point I'm having a hard time caring. I just don't think getting a higher grade is worth the stress this class causes me.

-My backpack fell apart and annihilated some of my hair clip thingies with it but that's okay I guess.

-I told my parents (very briefly because that's all I could handle) about how stressed I was yesterday and they were super sweet about it so that was nice.

-The Muppet Christmas Carol is a cinematic masterpiece.

-I've been really enjoying my financial literacy class I've had to take this year. I expected it to freak me out because thinking about the future and being an adult generally terrifies me. But this class is making it seem less scary, I actually understand things now I guess, and I feel much more prepared for the future. Facing your fears kind of works maybe?

-Did I mention how tired I am because I actually am always tired (at least mentally)