shortcake

two days ago, my mom called my grandma asking if I was okay with being listed as my dad's daughter (since he's technically not my biological dad, but he's the first dad I've ever really known) in his obituary in the newspaper

I told her I wanted that

and she cried

mlep

I really want to go to his funeral but I don't know when it is

and I don't know how to ask

I don't know why im like this

are my feelings just nonexistent or are they super delayed??

like there are literally people asking if I'm okay and I don't know how to answer because if I say I'm fine they either won't believe me or I'll just seem like a psycho

and I can't tell if the slight amount of sadness that I feel about this is genuine or if I subconsciously forced myself to feel it

I'm scared

and I don't know how else to cope

mmmm gotta love having panic attacks at work

and I'm still the excited chaotic person that I always am

I don't know

I'll be okay

fun thing to talk about with teachers

just- "what'd you do over the summer?" 

"oh, well, my dad died, so there's that"

"oh my goodness I'm so sorry"

"oh its okay I barely knew him anyway"