shortcake
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oh boy, time for an extremely tired Shortcake Vent-
the following twelve paragraphs are from approximately 5 pm today.
*internal screaming*
ok, but actually, can someone tell me why the scudding frick frack freaking flapping flip do parents insist on ALWAYS getting the last word when an argument happens even though they are obviously wrong???
and then they continue to try and prove you wrong and literally argue with your flipping emotions and twist your words and say that you assualted their mentality
it hasnt happened today, but the police have been called on me
i literally dont even know which thoughts and emotions are real anymore because they always end up being challenged by someone
and to make things worse, im frickin horrible at reading social cues, so i can never tell what people's tones are when they talk (which is why i use tone indicators in a good chunk of my posts)
someone was legitimately making fun of me today and somehow got a good chunk of the class to join in, and i didnt even realize it because i was just over in the corner being busy listening to the music in my head and getting lost in my own little stupid world
and i didnt even find out until the teacher pulled me out during passing period to tell me. i had to pretend like i already knew just so i wouldn't cry. even though i ended up doing it anyway during the next class.
WHAT THE SCUD IS WRONG WITH ME
also i just finished eating dinner >_<
i didn't really eat a whole lot though. again. basically all i had was an cutie clementine thingy, a couple bites of goulash, and a babybel cheese that was WARM.
i had to use a not-thin fork. which was very ew. i hated it.
the following four paragraphs are from approximately 9:30 pm today.
WHY THE HECK does my family always accuse me of faking the fact that i have trauma from them and then when i point out the things they do that triggers me and brings me trauma flashes, they basically call me a fraud and a poser??
LIKE, ACTUALLY???
WHAT THE SCUD?!?
and they wonder how im scudding emotionally traumatized?!?
take a look at yourself and think long and hard about that question of yours.
the following poem thingy is from approximately 9:55 pm today.
Spoiler10 PM Spiraling
it's 21:53
and I..
don't want to sleep.
I just don't feel like sleeping.
I should be tired,
considering im running
on very little sleep.
I dont really know
if im tired or not, but i
dont want to sleep
either way.
granted, i dont think
i know anything anymore.
everything is numb.
Not physically, just mentally and emotionally.
Everything is a blur to me at this point.
Every day is just
another pain
waiting to
eat away at me
at my soul
if i even have one,
that is.
The little birds
are screaming at me
i can hear them
but they're foggy, too.
they seem
distant.
i
seem
distant.
do people worry about me?
If im not in my usual
upbeat
happy
bubbly
chipper mood,
do they hesitate to
joke around with me?
to just be around me in general?
there go the birds again
giving up on me
just like always
they keeping chirping at me
telling me to not take on such heavy burdens
but if
if i listen
they'll be people
that i could have saved
like her-
him
Chloe-
Charlie.
my best friend
crazy
silly
eccentric
just like me
and she-
he-
is gone in an instant.
just
like that.
i could have saved them.
i could have saved all of them.
But i didn't.
I didn't help
the ones who
truly needed it
and because of that
ive forgotten how to help
at all.
a little birdie once told me
that if i didn't
get my act together
i would be leaving
my home
my friends
my school
my everything.
I didnt listen.
ended up being gone for over 6 months
Wednesday,
November 10th, 2021
10:23
all the way to
Tuesday,
May 17th, 2023
13:48
the worst 188 days of my life.
Instead of spending it
with family and friends,
i spent my golden birthday
in a psych ward.
that i gathered zero benefit from
they said
we would never
see the people in there
ever again once we left
the birds lied then.
i see this one bird in particular
every day at school
in the halls
messing around
getting in trouble
breaking things
causing havoc
has pink-ish
almost maroon-colored feathers
in an odd placement on her head
looks similar to a raven
very territorial
tends to mock other birds
very mean
she learned how
to make smoke rings
when she got out
of that hell-hole
i keep thinking
i'll wake up
back in that dark room
that connects to that dark hallway
that is still somehow brighter than i'd like
i keep thinking
i'll never be the same
the fun-loving girl
who always seemed to be tinkering with something
the girl with crazy ideas
but i worry to much
i should stop worrying all the time
i want to
i really do
but i also dont want to sleep
because i know
that one of these days
i'll be lost forever
and no one will know where I am
but they wont be too worried
until the school intercom will come on
ready to make the announcement
of the fourth one this school year
and then people will feel guilty
whether because they think they triggered it,
or because they didnt know what was happening
or because they wish they could have helped
but that not happening right now
for now,
i must sleep.
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*hugs* that's absolutely horrible, I'm so sorry you have to have that going on. Just know that even though your parents try to convince you otherwise, your feelings are completely valid, and only you can figure out what you feel.
Quotesomeone was legitimately making fun of me today and somehow got a good chunk of the class to join in, and i didnt even realize it because i was just over in the corner being busy listening to the music in my head and getting lost in my own little stupid world
Sometimes being in your own little world is so freeing simply because you don't have to deal with reality. Reality sucks sometimes. Again, I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
SpoilerWow I'm so hypocritical, I'm giving advice about the same things I have issues with and I don't listen to it
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