leapfrog

Yeah, it was the animal-like thing. I am... not good with biology, I will admit, but I think I get that explanation! Yeah, it's not really anything specific atm. I'm biracial and my thoughts on what few biracial/mixed-race characters I've seen in fiction are pretty complicated, so I don't want to get into that here lol, but it's really more of an instinctive caution seeing the unfriendliness. I think re: being visually distinct... well, it depends on what you mean by that lol. And ofc your experiences can differ from mine, but ime people don't normally assume I or the other biracial people I know are biracial or mixed-race -- people normally try to guess one specific race or ethnicity (and can end up wildly off mark, but that's neither here nor there lol). Gotcha, so the throne has to go to a guy. Here's to hoping Z will get her moment anyway

Can't comment much - for H, I got 'desert I think' and 'colosseum, so Roman-esque?' And since I read that this was inspired by Middle Eastern cultures, just thought I'd comment that I read something recently about someone saying that they're tired of seeing Middle Eastern-coded fantasy characters/settings being synonymous with 'from the desert', but that's all I got for you. I'm not really sure, considering I don't know what happens next. There's a lot I don't understand in this chapter, too. I don't think it's bad, necessarily, if N dies and then we move on with his siblings in a time skip or something. Might serve as interesting backstory or something. Although, to be fair, I don't really remember reading very many books with prologues, so I can't say much. Honestly, I got about S was that he was mixed-race and looked different. And he likes nature or something? And Z... she's physically strong? N seems kind of wishy-washy to me, tbh, but that might be because I don't really get his motivation for what he's doing this chapter or much of the background info on what M is doing or what the countries are up to. J seems pretty normal, like your smart and skilled brother who's going to rule the world (or country) lol. Way too little. Or, like, it introduces too much but doesn't elaborate on it all? Either way, I'm pretty lost on most of the political and societal background information. Yeah, I get the political fantasy drift. The magic -- and the stones? -- seem important, but not necessarily a huge huge focus (especially since there are already workarounds), so I don't particularly expect super complex magic. pg 1: I like your first line, specifically starting with "...going to die today"! It's pretty snappy imo. You lost me pretty quickly afterwards, like at "all of the reasonable possibilities..." in the same paragraph. I reread that sentence a few times and couldn't really follow what you were trying to say. pg 2: A bit confused on what M wants or is doing. I got that she was from K and then ran to N for help? "guilt of limiting himself...": made me go 'ooh why?' on the RA: seems like one person, but I think you mentioned N was looking for red cloaks, which makes it seem like multiple people? "Nobody could blame him..." this and the next sentence made no sense to me. I have no idea what it's referring to. pg 3: "...going to challenge him," -> I originally thought this meant challenge the RA and not J -- there's been a lot of information and names so honestly keeping track has been a bit difficult. pg 4: "mutt--or a calico" -> yeah, I did not like either of these descriptions. (Although apparently calico is also a fabric? Idk, I just think of cats.) Also, the whole skin splotches thing made me think of vitiligo - which I didn't really get what it had to do with being mixed-race, tbh. (I mean, I guess it's a fantasy thing? But imo the link could be made more clear.) Also, in general, I couldn't really follow what you were trying to say with the genetics thing, sorry. (Skin colour is decided by the mother's genetics? Is that it?) And if it's important, I guess it needs to be said somewhere, but it did seem like a bit weird timing to talk about all that now. And, honestly, it makes me kind of wary of where it will go in the story -- assuming S is a character who will get his own arc, what that means for him. pg 5: "better Holy Ruler..." -> so is J sponsored by the K army? Does S's identity factor in at all to his claim to the throne? on the equality thing: I don't quite follow what that's trying to establish. Something about sexism or feminism in this fantasy setting? normally there's sexism but in royalty there isn't? imo wouldn't sexism within the monarchy (i'm assuming it's a monarchy?) indicate how the rest of the society is structured, for sexism at least? Did Z get the same claim to the throne as well, but she doesn't want to challenge either? "father sons": but he could theoretically still father daughters? I feel like that doesn't quite line up with the whole "blessing or a curse" thing... or what that means. (I took it as some kind of reference to asexuality? But I'm not sure that's correct, though I did read that you said he was meant to be aro here.) ""immodest" green eye shadow": I thought the women were wearing green, so it would be a 'woman's' colour... or is the eye shadow the immodest part? pg 6: lol relatable @ the zoning out on the X country/empire: is H like a city-state within X lands? and forests have gods? interesting :eyes: on eye description: i thought you already described S's eyes, so doing it again here seemed a bit weird? "M didn't want him to die here": ok I'm confused why is he going to die now? i thought his brother was just becoming the king or smth, and he was going to challenge J? if he loses, he dies? what does that have to do with M? pg 8: it seems like an interesting setup, but frankly, I don't get N's motivation. It reads a bit like he's throwing his life away, and I don't get why.

To be honest, my main issue is that I'm not familiar with the characters and that I spent most of my time reading trying to figure out who was who and who was speaking or narrating. Also I agree about the kids' ages thing; I thought they were maybe mid-teens. The Last Day: pg 1 "the chain's links...": what chains? Once out of the italicized portion, I got confused about who was narrating, especially with the vagueness from "A voice" and so on. I feel like a name instead of just 'he' would have been nice. Also, I didn't get what the relation between the italicized part and the rest of it was. Also, the last line completely threw me off. Is it referring to like reincarnation? Because that's what I got from it. 59th of Winter: Once again, I was confused about the characters. It took me until the action for me to realize that T was part of the traitors. Other than there being a fight between guards and prisoners/traitors, I'm pretty lost. Some small comments: pg 2 "One of them was trying...": This sentence threw me off, it might be helpful to split it up. And I didn't get how the sentence with "felt the cold metal begin..." related to the next sentence. pg 3 "He had decided to expedite...": Who's 'he'? And who is M (and why does/did she matter)? 60th of Winter: pg 1 "C stood beside her": Reading this, I thought 'her' was meant to the council... a name sooner would have been nice imo. It took me until the end of this page to figure out who was who lol. pg 2 "I mean, what...": You were asking about dialogue, I think, and this part stood out to me. It seemed a bit like a sudden switch from the councilman talking all formally and then going a bit more informally. pg 3 "It came to P...": I didn't get why she was suddenly having a flashback. Was it something the councilman said, and if so, what? Re: letting the kids go after their father (if I'm not mistaken): why would the councilmen do that? Aside from the kids being five thing, my immediate thought was that they're the immediate family of the traitor. Wouldn't there be some concern of a conflict of interest or allegiance? I understand that he killed their mother, but even so...

Can't comment because I didn't read the last version :^) Hm... I don't know if I'm connected to her, but I like her well enough! I think one of my comments as I was reading was like "oh, she's cute :)" I think the plot seems pretty straightforward right now - figure out if she's actually cursed, and if so, what to do about it. No other issues imo but I just wanted to comment on how I liked the way you set up the atmosphere of the story - a little bit mysterious and otherworldly, but still real enough :^) Some other comments: pg 2 "she doesn't have much free time": is this referencing something? I don't really get how it relates to T needing to prove herself pg 3 "It might not just be the soil": I'm not sure why sound = not the soil, especially when earlier you said that it was 'eerily' still pg 3 abt the cursed land: I'm kind of confused as to what this curse is - I originally thought it was just making the land around the town barren, but it can hurt people? (Also, is the town completely self-sufficient? I'm getting the impression that it's very isolated.) pg 4 "making something fun happen": this was the line that made me go "C is cute :')" pg 7 on introducing GM: when she was first name-dropped, I got confused. It did make me think she was about to become an antagonist, though, which the rest of the story seems to hold up at least a little? When I read the description of GM, though, I thought it was weird that she was being described on her second occurrence. Maybe consider placing one of the descriptions up when she's first mentioned and then keep some of the others where they are? pg 8 "The Boneyard": is that the name of the house? At first I thought that was the town's name, but then I remembered we got a town name already. Either way, some explanation on what it is would be nice. pg 9 on the dad's description: with the mysterious vibe already set up here, I'm having a bit of a hard time imagining her father and how much of it I should take literally lol. Is he a literal sphere? Does he have arms and legs? Is he no longer skin and flesh? pg 10 "Cold changes to hot": is there a connection b/w the temperature mention here and the cold when C left the town earlier? I assumed that earlier (in pg 1) she felt the cold once she stepped out of the town's... area, and that the cold was a part of the whole 'curse' deal.

Yes, probably! I like the restaurant setting, and I'm interested in the different types of creatures you've set up here. Goals: I agree - the family seems to be split in two with what they want (to fight back against the BK or to keep their head down and live as they can) while the BK wants to continue conquering the world. Obstacles: For now, I guess it's the conflict within the family? I wonder if they'll drag other characters into their conflict. And there's the revolutionaries' lack of success. Stakes: I think the stakes are clear; the family would be in danger if S continues with fighting back, and if nothing changes, their family could lose a lot of income from the taxes and so on. Tactics: It seems to me that Ir's goal isn't actually that... active? To me, I could see her either joining the revolutionaries after some time -- to 'protect her sister' maybe? -- or setting something up with her restaurant. As for the revolutionaries' tactics, I'm not sure what they're doing... blowing important BK stuff up, maybe? That's probably a common tactic. Actually, I wonder if S actually just joined the revolutionaries or has been there for a while now, and what her position is there. This might be just wishful thinking, but going forward, I think there might be more of the restaurant setting, especially since it seems to be so important to the main character. Story-wise, I feel like it will start with subtler forms of rebellion (ex. info network? storing/hiding equipment or resources?) before moving into a more... upfront battle to take the BK down. I would expect a little bit of political commentary as well, I guess, with the ways a country can be governed, how it's set up, and what the pros/cons such a government (or lack thereof) would have. Overall, though, I thought this was pretty enjoyable and a good start! Some more other thoughts/reactions as I read: pg 1 "teasing of her fellow cooks and chefs": small nitpick, but is there a difference between cooks and chefs? pg 7 "the lemon sweetness that coated Ir's tongue tasted bitter": this threw me off for a second; is this saying that because of the conversation, the treat now tastes bitter? pg 7 "soldiers have the morals of the Fey": this makes me wonder who they fey are; is the BK/revolutionaries all in the second 'intelligent' category? I'm interested in what the role of the Fey would have in the plot, as well pg 8 "S would take that as Ir becoming a BK sympathizer": this made me wonder a bit about the common people -- do most people agree with the BK or against it? Do they have a choice when talking publicly? Are they only allowed to be vocal about their opinions in the privacy of their homes, like now, and if S did assume Ir was a BK sympathizer, what would she have done? pg 11 "Eyes nearly identical...": this sentence as a whole threw me off, I didn't immediately take that as the two sisters looking at each other