Thaidakar the Ghostblood

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.