RedBlue

In terms of physical eye colour, his eyes are light tan if he summons his honorblade, and dark brown if he goes several hours without summoning it (if I remember correctly). In terms of social status - he’s neither, in my opinion. The structure of Alethi society has pretty much collapsed due to Singer occupation, so their traditional ideas of lighteyes and darkeyes don’t apply at this point. And even leaving aside the changes in Alethkar, Moash is in a unique position that doesn’t fit anywhere in the traditional Alethi class structure.

I actually dig the title. The series has spent two books being very mysterious about what being ‘cytonic’ means, so after that build up I’m excited to see this book will apparently get into that.

As I read: p1 - So B's real motive here is for O to provide her with an excuse to salvage scrap from the C Systems? I assume that she needs a N to get into the C Systems, otherwise everyone would just go there? This is good to know - it fixes B's 'too good to be true' problem, and makes me less suspicious of her. p1 - 'And I think she likes my nail polish' - lol p2 - 'friend/contact' having the / in there looks weird and takes me out of the story. p3 - Wow, this job is incredibly suspicious. I guess O is reckless enough not to ask questions. p4 - I love the cafe with food printers and sparkle spray. p4 - Sounds like B has a history of picking up strays, which is good context for her relationship with O p7 - 'Fresh off the grill' p9 - I know I'm missing a lot not having read the previous books, but it sounds like B is offering to come to N and upend their religion and everything the culture holds to be true about the world? Which sounds fun and interesting to read, but from an in-universe perspective, that sounds super irresponsible for one random person to decide to do all on their own. Isn't B worried that she could accidentally do more harm than good by barging in like that? p10 - The rehashing of 'O doesn't need to take the job because she could just run off with B' makes me think that B's offer, and O's decision about it, could be moved from the last chapter to this one without losing anything. p11 - The 'what could possibly go wrong' vibes are strong! So, I did like that we get some more explanation of B's motives and some meaningful interaction between B and O in this chapter. The biggest problem, I thought, was that their interaction at the doctor's stole this one's thunder in places. There was a lot that felt like a rehash of the conversation in the previous chapter, but this time with added emotional beats. But I also think it would be a problem for a romance between O and B if you cut this chapter, because it's (I think?) the first time they've interacted on their own terms and not in a crisis situation, so it's important to establish that they have a rapport. Question: do you need B to show up in the previous chapter? If not, thoughts on melding with chapter 10: I suggest having O recover from her Ard feelings by herself, find that she's been given enough money to pay the bills but not quite enough to secure passage, agree to do the quick job for Dr Y with the intention of using the money to get out of there. Then in this chapter, she runs into B in the cafe for the first time since she woke up, they chat, B makes her the offer of free passage, O declines for reasons, B promises to wait for her. I think that would solve last chapter's problems with flirting vs priorities, with B's lack of characterisation, and with the logistics of O accepting the job, as well as this chapter's rehash problems.

Hello everyone, Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter. I’m planning to change the conversation between C and Mr S so that C is aware of some of the repercussions of her continuing to push for answers (then keeps pushing for them anyway). I’m still wrangling with some plot details, and I’ll probably post a revision to that scene once I’m happy with it, but the specifics aren’t necessary for this week’s chapter. Questions: 1) Any boring or confusing bits? 2) Do the characters’ thoughts and actions make sense?

I would like a slot for Monday too

Thanks for the feedback, all! I see everyone’s point about MD and V’s POVs not really adding much. My plan is to cut them and work the salient points into other scenes. I’ll probably combine the two chapters into one, too. Yeah, I think my problem here is that there will be quite a big consequence for C asking S directly, but I forgot to make it clear to C and the reader that something bad is going to happen as a result of this choice I’ll have to find a way to work that in without breaking the plot. I’m glad you liked C in this bit! Is there a specific thing you can point at that I did right, or is it more of a vague feeling? Thanks again to all of you for the feedback!

As I read: p1 - 'Please don't yell but it I can't cancel' - typo p1&2 - I feel like there's a bit of a clash between Ori's 'B is very sexy' feelings and her 'very upset about Ard and Ata, also I'm stranded and help may not be coming' feelings. Maybe save the 'B is sexy' stuff until after Ori knows that the money has been transferred to her, so at least the immediate crisis has been resolved. p4 - B is being weirdly helpful. From Ori's reaction, I assume this is supposed to come off as odd and possibly suspicious. p4 - 'I really thought we'd start at the 'drunk in a bar' stage' - bold of Ori to flirt with the person she might be dependent on for passage. p10 - 'I have no intention of losing you' - I think this is phrased too strongly for how well they know each other. p10 - I'm vague on what B tried to warn Ori about. Sure, I get that B is offering passage to where Ori wants to go and isn't going to charge. I don't understand why B thinks that doing a job that takes a few hours is a bad idea for Ori. None of the characters have suggested that the job could be dangerous, which I would expect them to say out loud, if it were likely to be dangerous. Overall, I thought this chapter did a good job of wrapping up Ori's messy feelings about contacting Ard for the first time, and establishing what she's going to do next. It makes sense for her character to try to gain back a sense of control by earning some money on a quick job, even if she doesn't technically need the money right now. I do wonder if establishing B as a safety net might suck the stakes out of the action going forward, though - but that's an issue that may or may not materialise depending on where this is going. I did notice that E is (one assumes) en route to the J System. B said that the trip to Ard is 2 hours with FTL, so I assume that means that it would take E 2 hours to get to the J System? That means she could show up during this job that the doctor is giving Ori. I agree with C Val and Ace about B's character not being strongly established and her relationship with Ori being way too close for how little they know each other.

As I read: p2&3 - The shift from W not eating lunch with the large group because she doesn't like groups to her not eating with them because she's arguing with A makes sense for plot, but I do miss the beat of W and A having regular friendship tension to lead into the fallout about N. W and A having a personality clash makes it feel like their falling out is something that's been bubbling up for a while, rather than just being over a boy and one mistake that A made. I think the former is more interesting. p4 - The discussion about N and B's past relationship raises more questions for me about how on Earth N and B got together in the first place. p5 - When A reveals what she told B about N's glitter woods trips, I think she needs to spell out exactly what she told B. From this dialogue, it's not clear whether it was 'hey, I saw N go into the woods and come out with glitter on him' or more like 'hey, I caught N seeing another girl'. I think it's important to know exactly what A did or didn't say to B so that we can judge how much A stepped over the line. p6 - I think we need to see more anger from W's inner monologue before she cuts off her friendship with A. Right now, it comes across as resignation, which is a bit weird given how quickly things have escalated. p6 - It's weird that W doesn't have anything to say about how this reflects on N or changes the way she's going to treat him going forward. I get that this chapter is focusing on W's friendship with A, but I think we need a line or two letting us know that W hasn't forgotten about N completely. p7 - 'holding N back' I think you mean pushing N away? p7 - I'm confused about why W lies to her mom about where she is and what she's doing? She could just say she's going on a walk to blow off steam? p7 - I do like that the N scene is set at the pool with the flowers. That's a nice upgrade on the last version. However - I'm not a fan of the fact that W running into N is an accident, rather than something W felt needed to happen. Doesn't she feel she owes him an explanation? Was she planning to just drop the whole thing without talking to N? p11 - From the previous version, I liked the specificity of N struggling to understand how equations made lines. It gave me a good feel for N being a bright kid with a big education gap compared to the others and some confidence issues as a result. I feel like we lose that in this version. p12 - 'We have stories about my community' - I think you mean he's heard stories about the flowers from his community? p12 - The love flowers are super cheesy but I am so here for it. Is the fact that the flower sparkled what made N interested in W in the first place? p13 - I'm guessing N secretly draws his life force from glitter or something. The whole 'sworn to secrecy' thing sounds very shady, but I'm guessing that will turn out to be about keeping the magic people safe from evil CEOs. p14 - I like that N and W are talking about why N likes W. 1) It's a bit difficult to judge points of engagement when I'm not coming in fresh, but there weren't any bits that came off as boring. 2&3) Honestly, I liked the structure of the first version of this better. I know you had feedback last time saying that they wanted the two arcs (W&A vs W&N) to be separated out, but I think these two plot threads are so linked that it makes them both weaker when you try to separate them. The falling out between W and A especially needs the stuff with N hanging over it to have the emotional impact it should. This structure where you deal with A and N separately is neater and tidier, but W's relationships aren't neat or tidy. The only bit that I thought was an improvement was that conversations happened in person, rather than over the phone. And adding the stuff about the flower to W and N's talk was also good. 4) No big changes to how I view the characters from the last sub, except for the part where W ends her friendship with A. Without the tension from their clashing personalities, it feels like the problem stems from A making a mistake, rather than long-standing problems in their friendship coming to a head.

Hello everyone, This week, I’m subbing chapters 7 and 8 together, since they’re both short (even more so than usual). Questions: 1) Any boring bits or bits that don’t make sense? 2) Do C and V’s character arcs track? 3) Does the info about the WS in chapter 8 feel satisfying? Was it too easy to guess, or did it come out of nowhere? Are you interested in the mysteries still to be uncovered?

I don’t think we should assume that Kaladin’s arc will be over after he swears the 5th Oath. RoW did a lot of groundwork for making Kaladin still be interesting if he steps back from the fighting. I realise that people’s mileage may vary on this, but I really hope Kaladin survives into the back 5 so that we get to see what he does with himself after he’s done with the traditional protag stuff.

I would like a spot for Monday, please

Thanks for all your feedback, everyone! Looks like there isn’t too much to do on this chapter. I’ll look into trimming MD’s POV a bit. I do plan to pay off the things I set up in that section, but I definitely hear the concerns about the number of POVs.

There's a chance this is just me being a bit dense, but I did not connect that C is Kay. I think you're right not to go into the technical details, but I was more referring to the mechanics in the sense of 'what can I expect C to be able to do with this Knight'. As in, Knights can be summoned and piloted remotely. That would be good info to have up front, IMO. Might I suggest hanging a lantern on V's mysterious motivations? For instance, C could think 'hm, that V sure has reasons he isn't telling me', and then it looks like a mystery and not like a character problem. I feel that I'd have to see more of the plot to have an informed opinion on where to start, but I think a lot of the worldbuilding and characterisation could be condensed into the chapter where the JH is attacked by kind-of pirates if you wanted to go the in media res route.

Agreed. In itself, it’s a wonderfully well-told story-within-a-story. And it’s a great moment for Kaladin. And telling it is such a Wit thing to do. Those elements blending together make the chapter really stand out.

So that you have a rough idea what level of knowledge I'm working from: I consider myself reasonably up to speed with the general knowledge parts of the Arthurian legend, though not an expert by any means. I know Arthur, Lancelot, Galahad, Percival, Mordred, and Morgana (although I know her as Morgan le Fey?). The others are new names to me (though some look kinda familiar). If you expect the reader to know going in who characters like Kay, Agravain, Pelleas etc are, you might want to revise that assumption. As I read: p3 - This might have been covered in chapter 1, but does C know who is piloting the Knight? Are Knights always piloted by the same user? p4 - Something feels off about the Assa's dialogue. It's a bit stilted. p6 - This exchange between C and A falls a bit flat. It feels like it either needs more setup, or to be trimmed down a lot, depending on whether it's important to the story. p7 - When C summons his Knight, does he disappear and reappear inside the Knight? Or is he standing on the deck of the ship watching his Knight fight A? Bottom of p7 - Okay so C is watching his Knight fight A from the outside, so are the Knights controlled remotely? p8-9 - This might just be me, but I don't like the use of square brackets to denote use of a different language. p10 - Not sure why Sh thinks that C's behaviour was reckless. The ship was attacked, and C defended them to the best of his ability. That doesn't seem very reckless to me. The captain's manoeuvres during the last chapter were much more reckless. p10 - When you say the sword has 'Excalibur' written on the side, do you mean on the blade? p11 - Okay, this explains a lot about how the Knights work. It might help with the fight scene if the mechanics were laid out sooner. p12 - 'C looked crestfallen' - is a weird sentence to have in C's POV p16 - I'm not sold on V's motivation to help C with his quest. Sure, C saved the ship from A, but that doesn't seem like a good reason to go on a time-consuming and potentially dangerous quest. If it is an honour thing, then why does this matter so much to V? Generally, I liked the reveal of how the Knights work and what they are. It's good to have a direction for the story to be going in (go on quest, ask the magic to take care of the evil queen problem, probably end up fighting evil queen). I think the chat and fight with A could have been more impactful. As I noted above, I wasn't feeling the emotion of C running into A again. And when the fight starts, A is defeated pretty easily for the amount of setup he's had. I get that he's one of the less capable Knights in a fight, but having A seem like a more credible threat would up the stakes when we find out that a bunch of other Knights are going to come after C soon. And I have no idea what C's title would be, I'm afraid Also - I don't think much knowledge of Arthurian legend is necessary for this chapter, in case you were worrying about that. It basically boils down to how many of the names I recognise.

As I read: p2 - Ata seems like she's in a little bit over her head. It's not a huge surprise at this point that Ori's expectations about Ard were way off base, but this demystifies Ard further (which I assume is what you were going for). I like the fungus alien. p4 - I'm not sure what's going on with the black sludge? Is that the stuff that Ard has been spreading everywhere and causing trouble? p11 - 'Panic won't get me anywhere' p11 - 'Pushing our connection now, if she's that distracted, I don't want to make their situation worse' - phrasing p13 - I'm getting that it's significant to Ata that a N is trying to contact her, but not having read the previous books, I'm not sure why. If this is important, you might need a line or two to explain. p13 - I have now figured out that Ata is a N. I might have missed something obvious before. p13 - 'never done an impulsive thing in his life' p14 - 'Ata thought back to her childhood' you have a stray " mark at the start of this paragraph p14 - 'offworld for over a decade I think' Overall - this does feel like a 'make sure everyone is up to speed with events of previous books' chapter. The good news is that I think I have a good grasp of Ata and E's situation by the end of the chapter, even if the emotional beats don't hit as strongly as they would if I'd been following these characters for four books. The bad news is that it's not super engaging. The political meeting was a bit dull (apart from the fungus alien. That was cool.) The part where they notice that S and her ship are missing and can't contact her went on a bit long for the amount of new information we get from it. The part where Ata realises that G4 tried to contact her was the most interesting part of the chapter, I think because it felt relevant to the main plot.

Hello everyone, Chapter six this week. I’m also adding the new version of the last scene of chapter five, which I rewrote when I realised that C and V were having the wrong conversation (I have no idea why I thought they needed to talk about homework!) Questions: 1) Is the new version of the end of chapter 5 better? Does it make sense? 2) Any boring bits? 3) Does MD’s POV work? Does the voice sound about right, or does it sound off? 4) Does C and T’s conversation work? Is it believable? Is it clear where T is coming from? Recap: C and her friends play on the cursed land, and C notices and investigates some strange things: disappearing contents of and essay and films, V the green boy raven appearing, diamond earrings later claimed by GM in the WS, and a plane in T’s barn. C experiments with the WS, feeding it a mop and the feathers of her chickens, which died along with the neighbour’s dog. MD, a mop-like dog-like creature, emerges from the WS. C takes on the responsibility of caring for MD. She also confronts GM, who tells C that the adults will reveal the secrets of the WS if she gets full marks at school.

I like this theory. It makes a lot of sense, given the rules of oaths as we already understand them. The one note I have is that, if this is what Taravangian is going for with his loophole, then the outcome of the contest of champions becomes moot. It wouldn’t matter if Dalinar won or lost - Taravangian only needs to manipulate him into a position where he is bound by contradictory oaths, or absolutely cannot keep his agreement for Honor reasons. If that’s the case, then the entire contest could be a big distraction from the real danger. Don’t look at the promises being made - look at the fight! Agreed. This may well be the method Rayse used to go after the Vessels he managed to kill. Which raises the question of what exactly happens after the Vessels are trapped by contradictory oaths. Do they all ‘go mad’ and die slowly like Tanavast? Is that what Ambition’s injury was? And if that’s how Dalinar et al end up dealing with Odium ... will Odium have a similar period of decline? That would be very bad news for anyone in the vicinity.

I'll have a spot for Monday, pending space.

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Good to know the first part worked well. I'll trim down the discussion of the homework, and clarify C's misunderstanding. Looks like GM worked for most of you. Phew! For those of you with questions: yes, there will be more on GM's situation later. Thank you very much for your feedback everyone!

I love your analysis of Taravangian’s character. I have also been wondering what Cultivation can be thinking. My current theory is that Cultivation thinks that T-Odium will ultimately self-destruct. Odium’s goal is to destroy all the other Shards. That goal is tied to Odium the Shard, regardless of the Vessel - so no matter who holds the power, Odium is a threat to Cultivation. So trying to manoeuvre somebody good or safe into being Odium’s Vessel would only delay the problem. That’s why I think that Cultivation’s play with Taravangian is about taking Odium down, even though it doesn’t look like it. As for what her goals are beyond just surviving, I agree that she must have some agenda cooking. She is Cultivation, so her Shard’s Intent is probably pushing her to change and grow. That seems at odds with just hanging out on Roshar indefinitely.

You could do that - mostly I meant that ending on something important to do with these characters would be a stronger ending than calling a cab. It did occur to me as a possibility, but I wasn't sure from my initial read that aro was what you were going for. I think a big part of the problem stems from how fantastical the premise is. Because this isn't how relationships work at all in the real world, I'm not sure whether to read it as D being aro, something having gone wrong with the magic, D struggling with familial pressure and expectations, etc. IMO, the best fix for that is to really drill down on clarity. Make it be super obvious what D is or isn't feeling, and why.

Hope you're feeling well! As I read: p2 - 'she either didn't have pain, or it was being well managed' - given O's previous tendency to not realise how bad things are, I would think she'd just assume that 'I feel fine' means 'I am fine'. Loads of people make that mistake. p3 - I'm not sure how the hologram is interacting with objects physically? Is this a robot that projects a hologram? p9 - 'easing your burden and helping you integrated into galactic society' - grammar? p9 - 'Patience was no longer in her wheelhouse' - awkward phrasing, not how the 'in your wheelhouse' expression is usually used p11 - sounds like serious trouble is afoot with the J system! I'm assuming that Ata's adventures were covered in the original trilogy of books, and that's why Ata has such a 'hero of another story' vibe going on. Overall: good chapter, well paced, sounds like O is on her own, in some deep trouble and it's about to go downhill for her from here. Not much else to say on this one

I am pretty terrible at judging genuine romantic interest, so you might not want to take my opinion on that too seriously As I read: p1 - I don't think you have to start the chapter with what happens immediately after the end of the last chapter. You can take advantage of the chapter break to jump a little bit forward in time, not have to rehash what just happened with E, and get straight to whatever's going to go down in this chapter. p1 - This might be a logic nit pick, but if W is curious about N, then why is asking A about it her go-to? It seems pretty clear that A doesn't know any more than what's already general knowledge in the school about N. p1 - ' "Please, don't do this. ' Missing a " mark p2 - I feel W's pain re: large groups and friends who don't get it p2 - ' encouraging of the garbage I churn out while plays coy about the compliments' grammar? p4-6 - N is a massive sweetheart, but I wouldn't call these vibes romantic, exactly. p7 - Top of page 7 is where I pick up on the romance aspect, if only because the eyes stuff is a huge flag. Bottom of page 7 - yeah, N definitely lives with elves or fairies or something p8 - 'I'll talk with A and recount what she saw' - I think 'recount' is the wrong word here p8-9 - I like that the conflict is clear here. W has trust issues and limited social skills. N also has limited social skills and doesn't understand what W's problem is. I am rooting for both of them. p9 - I LOVE the detail that A assumes a call from W means it's an emergency p10 - 'witnessed him cheating' sounds like awkwardly formal phrasing. 'Caught him cheating' would be less weird. p10-11 - so the whole 'N was caught cheating' thing all spun out of him going into the woods and coming out with glitter on him? And A and B just jumped to conclusions? Wow is A the bad guy here. And B, depending on what her whole deal is. p12 - you tell her, W!!!! p12 - E and B sound like they have some serious issues in their relationship that they need to sort out. p13 - I love how N answers the phone. Overall, I thought this was a very good chapter. I'm glad that W has engaged brain and sorted out the cheating misunderstanding. The more I see of N, the more I like him, especially since the main reason to be suspicious of him has been thoroughly shown for what it is (nonsense popularity drama). I wasn't a huge fan of A to begin with, but she has fallen even lower in my estimation (in a good way, assuming we're not supposed to like what was revealed about her in this chapter). I like that W put their friendship on pause; that seems both in character and very sensible for her.

Hi! Congrats on your first sub! I'll make comments as I read through and then give some overall thoughts afterwards. Keep in mind that I'm not a huge fan of the romance genre (though I have read a little bit). p2-4 - I'm not clear on the social expectations for D around the whole 'heart' situation. It seems like this is a normal thing for her family/community, so why is she worried about causing a scene? Is it really a problem if she's late to work one time because of something that (presumably) happens to everyone? p5 - A big part of D's conflict seems to centre around her not being on board with the heart situation, despite the fact that her father thinks it's really great. But I don't get much of a sense for why she feels this way. She doesn't seem to have strong feelings - but why? p6 - And why does she start dating B if she's not interested? Is she actually, secretly, a bit interested? p7 - 'gratuitous second chance' - I'm not sure 'gratuitous' is the word you mean there? Do you mean 'fortuitous'? p8 - D's relationship with B feels like it's being glossed over. We hear a lot about her father's expectations, and how D doesn't feel the way she thinks she's supposed to feel, but I'm not sure how she does feel. p10 - I do like how the parents' relationship seems to mirror what D is going through. p11 - Why would turning B resolve concerns about D dying? I'm not sure what that bit is getting at. p12 - Part of the issue with glossing over D's relationship with B is that I don't have much of an idea what B is like, or what his goals and desires are. His decision lacks the impact it might have had if we understood what it meant for him. p13 - The ending seems to fizzle out a bit. Ending on the logistical issues right in this moment makes the story feel like it's left off in the middle. If you ended by reflecting on or tying up D's character arc, for example, I think the story would have much more of a sense of closure. Overall - the good news is, your prose flows well and I didn't spot any big sentence-level problems. The dialogue read naturally. The bad news is, the whole thing feels very schmoopy to me. There's a lot of navel-gazing for my taste, and the premise has a big wish-fulfilment feel to it. That might be a personal preference thing, though - again, I am not a big romance reader. As for the characters - B's character is barely sketched out. We spend a lot of time with D, but her main conflict seems to be that her feelings for B aren't as strong as she thinks they should be, which isn't the most compelling conflict. She doesn't seem to have any goals or desires beyond just figuring things out as she goes and trying not to mess up. I wish I had some more concrete details about what's going on in her head beyond the general angst. D's father is the character who works the most for me. He has a clear motivation - he wants his daughter to live a happy life. He thinks he knows what she needs to do to achieve that, and he'll nag her until she does it. It's simple, but that's good. I know what's going on with him.