Mystic Syn

Do any of y'all know that feeling like you don't deserve anything that people give to you or what you do for yourself? There's a feeling of nothingness, like your very soul is an empty void, but no matter how hard you try to fill it with the things that you know have made you feel better in the past, it just doesn't do it. You end up doing something––whether that be drawing or something athletic––and afterwards, you don't and won't believe that it's helping you, and you end up on the floor, trying not to sob the entire day, trying to figure out what happened to yourself and to that joy in doing that thing that makes or made you happy.

You feel lonely, even though you're surrounded by people; most, if not all of them love you. You talk to your friends, and they give you love regardless of what you're feeling or who you might be, but you feel like you don't deserve it, like you have to do something to repay them for what they do for you that can never be repaid, no matter how hard you try. You feel incredibly selfish when going to them to tell them what's been going on, and then realizing how stupid your feelings are when you say them aloud or over text. You feel like you deserve to be alone, no matter how hard you try to be there for people who feel these exact feelings you do. It's what you get for being that person that gains their energy when they're alone.

It's not like your friends or family care what happens to you or even if you decide to hurt yourself for what you do and who you are; after all, friends come and go over the course of your life. You think yourself as selfish when you do decide to try and tell someone what's going on, then you end up feeling really back about it and that feeling of deserving to be alone amplifies. You don't feel like anyone should love you, because you're basically nothing to them. You're only... well, you; you feel like there's nothing special about you and what you do.

People say they care about you, and you try your hardest to believe them, but you can't. You believe they're still your friend out of pity, and you feel so selfish for talking to them about your feelings, even though you know that your life has changed for the better once you've met them. You still love them and will always be there for them, because you don't want them to feel that same pain you experience every single day, from the moment you wake up to the moment you decide to go to bed after sobbing. You try to protect them from feeling that, even though you know deep down that you can't stop everything that happens to those you love.

Anyways, I'm fine. How are y'all?