Channelknight Fadran
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So it's well past midnight for me, and things just aren't working.
I've been taking medication to help me sleep, but those seemingly aren't working anymore. I just sit and stare and think and think and it goes on for hours now. It's been days and I haven't actually rested.
Scud's been hard over here. I don't know why, but it's just all really bad. It's not that things are happening, even. Nothing's happening. I'm not doing anything. Nobody else is doing anything.
Like... life is about doing, right? Then what the hell am I living for?
I've ranted before, and you always have some kind words to share. I appreciate them so much. You let me know that I'm safe here, that I can talk, that you can listen. That means the world to me - what little world there is left, anyways. But it's not enough to just... fix it.
Right now my eyes are too tired to stay open but everything else is too awake to even stop moving for a second or two. This horrible ache in my chest just won't go away, no matter how many times I try to breathe it out or think my way through it. Anxiety's that one pebble in the heel of your shoe sometimes, and itsomehow that's just as bad as the massive, gutting kinds. When I have real panic attacks I can scream, cry, get it all out... with this I just shake. And wait.
The problem isn't that there's nobody there for me. The problem is that there isn't anybody here for me. It's been epochs since I last had an actual hug from a real friend that actually meant something more than just a quick goodbye. As a physical touch sort of fella, I can comfortably just sort of... cuddle with people. Obviously not a weird way. Just to let each other know that we've got our backs. We're safe.
So please don't discontinue your messages and encouragement. That's not what I'm trying to say. It's just that I'm surrounded by all you amazing people but also so alone at the same time.
I can't sleep. I can't write. I can't draw. I can't play my piano. When I dream it's about horrible things - just nightmare after nightmare full of panic and anxiety. For once I just want to be sick and feel justified doing absolutely nothing, but I'm not. It's all my fault that I'm never going outside and breathing fresh air and moving these god-forsaken bones and muscles of mine. It's my fault that I won't be going to college this semester and finally getting a move on in real life. It's my fault that not a cell left within me has the will to do anything at all anymore.
It's probably my fault I don't have any real friends anyway.
Sorry for rambling. Thank you for your time.
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If I were given one wish, and I could have anything in the universe, I'd ask for the knowledge and ability required to help my friends with their struggles. I wish I could, physically, be there for you. I wish I could be there for all my friends. I wish I could know how I could help, what I could say, what truths would bring comfort. If there exists any possibility of it. I... wish I could be a better friend.
That being said, the fault for your problems doesn't lie solely on you. Mental health issues are real, brains are really strange, and the best thing we can hope for ourselves is to do our best with what we have to work with. And even then... it's a constant battle against an enemy that cannot tire. And it's tiring. But I think that it's pointless to compare your progress in life to others, because you are facing a far greater opponent than many of them. And the fact you're still intact enough to be such an amazing and caring friend? It speaks volumes about your character and what really matters in life, and it's horrible that anyone would even think to deem such a person a failure.
Feel free to reach out if you ever need. I must warn you, however, my wisdom is about as useful as that of a brainless koi fish. But if you need someone to talk to, to hear you, to understand you, and to empathize with you, then I am here.
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stay strong king
i don't have much advice because well, #mood
but i believe that things will always get better
eventually
just gotta keep plowing through until we get there
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Fadran. I... I don't really know what to say. Okay. First of all, hugs. You're a good guy. I know you think we only imagine that because we don't know the real you, but you are. If it it helps, think of all the scumbags out there who you're better than. Works for me :P.
Second, about being late by a semester. I can relate to this. I'm homeschooled, and I'm a sixteen year old doing eighth grade math. At the very best, I will be a year late to college, and what's worse is that I know it's my own fault. I know everything seems insurmountable right now, and you think you're a failure. But you can overcome this. I believe in you.
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