Channelknight Fadran

This is mostly going out to @Vapor and @EmiTheNinja, but if you're not one of these two wonderful people, then that doesn't mean you can't take anything in what I expect to be a massive wall of text to heart.

You guys all know me as this crazy, charismatic, and all-around happy guy (I think). I do my best to personify that in my posts and whatnot, and to be completely honest, it's not usually that difficult for two reasons:

1. I am, in fact, a crazy, charismatic, and all-around happy guy; at least, I am for most of the time.
2. I can type literally anything from behind a computer screen and portray any emotion I want. I could be bawling my eyes out right now and you guys would never know 

What most of you probably don't know is that sometimes I am not a crazy, charismatic, and all-around happy guy. After recent events and other disappointments, my parents and I are pretty scudding sure that I have depression. In case you were wondering, having depression isn't fun: it doesn't take very much to trigger me into an angry or depressed streak. I'm more irritable than usual, I get frustrated really easily, and my stress levels are through the roof.

There's a weird thing at my school where everyone's always like "Look at me, I have depression." I'm pretty sure this came from the memeverse, because I've never understood it. Basically, every other kid pretends they have depression because they think it's cool to have depression. At this point, it's impossible to determine who actually has depression and who's just pretending.

Back before I realized I was depressed a whole scudding lot, I kind of assumed that it didn't even exist: that it was just something kids made up for pity points and likes on reddit. Now that I am depressed a whole scudding lot, I've had plenty of opportunities to think to myself, "nope, nope... it definitely exists."

Being an aspiring author, I've had lots of time to study up on character arcs and whatnot. I don't like blowing my own horn, but I think that doing so has made me a bit of a wiser person. I could go on and on about how thinking of myself as wise makes me not wise, and how I'm just trying to tell myself or whatever, but... just... we'll ignore that for now. At the very least, I've put thought into how characters struggle with their own faults and weaknesses, as well as how they overcome them.

I must've had a bit of an ego going for awhile, because when I realized that I had the same struggles as those characters, it was a huge blow to my paradigm. If you guys have ever wondered why I tend to turn down compliments, it's because I don't enjoy taking pride in myself; I feel self-centered and narcissistic whenever I do so (it's kinda annoying sometimes, to tell you the truth). So looking back and realizing that I essentially thought that my "character arc" was something different and "better" than those of characters in various media kind of made me think, "was I really that crass?"

I think that everyone thinks that they've reached the peak of wisdom and maturity at the point they're currently in. As a seven-year-old, I can distinctly remember thinking that I was finally a big boy now: I could go out and live on my own for all I cared. Same for when I was eight; and nine, and ten, and so on. Perhaps the biggest revelation I've ever had was just realizing "hey... y'know, I'm not done growing yet, and I doubt I ever will."

It was that thought that kind of defines what most of us think of a "character arc." Some people mistakenly say that character development has to end in change, which is totally untrue (remember Frodo and the Ring? He literally failed his arc. The only reason the Ring was destroyed was because of the promise Smeagol broke, and evil being the only thing being capable of destroying itself, and... okay, I'm going off on a tangent here, DO NOT PROVOKE ME, CHILDREN, I WILL GO ON FOR AGES ABOUT THE THEME IN LOTR). A character arc is simply defined by choices and growth, whether those choices be good or bad; that growth for the better or for worse. The supposed "character change" is made by a character choosing to change.

If you're reading this, then you're probably on the Shard. Furthermore, you're probably relatively active on the Shard, and likely a member of the extended group of buddies that I happen to be a member of. During this stupid pandemic (I bite my thumb at thee, Corona), I've come to rely on the friends I have here for basically all of my social interaction. That's probably not completely healthy, but that isn't the point I'm trying to make here. The point I'm trying to make is that you've all been supportive of me, and I'd like to have a chance to be supportive of you.

Well, that's real great, Fadran. Is there a reason why you gave us that massive wall of text for what seems like a relatively superficial point?

Shush. I'm not done yet. I still need my super-Dainspeech-style closing argument thingy.

The reason I made this status update was because of two friends of mine here on the Shard: Vapor and Emi. Near as I can tell, they're the two sweetest and most loveable people on the face of the entire scudding planet. Only problem is, they strongly disagree. Very strongly disagree. Anyone on the Sharder Lair discord would know of our incessant conversations trying to convince these two to love themselves and be happy.

Generally, trying to convince a Sharder to be happy with who they are is like trying to convince a stick to become fire; difficult, but not impossible. Unfortunately, when Sharders be like the one and only Fadran, trying to convince them to be happy is like trying to convince a rock to become fire... or, rather, trying to convince a rock to become a warrior instead of a cook.

The reason I made this SU is to try to convince them that it's okay to be unsatisfied with where you are right now. I'm very unsatisfied with where I am currently, and I think that's understandable: I'm depressed all the time, I'm easily irritable, and I get mad at people real easy. None of those things are desireable traits.

Maybe you guys have undesireable traits. Maybe you think that you're ugly and worthless and mean. You're not the only person who thinks of themselves that way. I doubt that there's a person in the world who's completely satisfied with how they are. What's important is just trying to show yourself some mercy and love. It isn't lawful that man should run more than he has strength (scud, I love that scripture), so just do your best. Remember that you're loved here, and we're only going to encourage you to try to improve.

Unfortunately, we can only take you halfway. We can cheer you up and endlessly hurl compliments in your direction... but you can only take a horse to water. You can't make it drink.

In the end, the only thing that matters is the choice you make. We'll walk with you, talk with you; we'll carry you if we have to. We'll drop you on the crossroads of your life, cheering you on to keep going, but there's nothing we can do to make you choose to become better. Rely on us for the journey, not the destination. The choice belongs to you.

Hopefully that helped you somewhat.

Don't die,

~ Fadran