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I'm done. I'm really just done.
I hate that I keep coming down to this hole of depression every week without fail because I know that every time I crawl out, I am only fated to keep falling into it. There is literally no escape. Not for me.
I hate that I'm scared of every little thing. That little, incessant noises can send me spiraling into a panic attack, that I'm so scared of marching band that I start shaking every day before it and then have to sit out because I'm crying so much.
I hate being tired every storming day. Hate that I can never get enough sleep and that life just keeps pulling me along behind it without any rest whatsoever.
I hate that my boyfriend lives so far away and that it'll be another two and a half years before I ever get to be held by him again.
I hate my bliving life. And I'm done with it.
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I wish Zephrun's Imperium that I could offer magic words to make all of the cremness of life just disappear! If you ever find then I'd like to borrow them sometime. However, let me offer you these insufficient words instead. That dreaded black pit so inescapable, it does not actually matter whether you can clamber out. What truly matters is can you for but a moment see something outside it. If you can you have already won. Stare toward the horizon and look for the smallest gleam. It's fleeting, but it will keep being fleeting for the only eternity that matters that moment that lives in the blink of an eye.
Are you ashamed of of your fear? We all fear. I fear a great deal and find it paralyzing at times. It's terrifying. What makes us strong is not a lack of fear or even conquering it. No, what makes us strong is that confrontation that we have with it every day where we tell it you may win. However, I will not lose. I admit that you exist.There will be days when you are my master, but that will not be every day. That is enough.
This road of constant exhaustion is my companion. Covid it ruined me and made no amount of sleep sufficient to quench my thirst. I'm lost in a desert parched for it as you are. We fight this monster not by cursing, but by digging deeper and breaking those wretched shackles that pull us about as though we were on a leash. Somewhere there is a well of strength which I have little doubt is more a vast sea within you and less of a simple well to quench a momentary thirst.
Your longing is your might. You wait for the one that you love impatiently. You jerk and fight against it with good reason. It is your love which drowns this hate. This longing is how you are victorious. Every minute and every hour that you don't let that drag you down is your greatest triumph. It makes you powerful in ways that is scarcely fit for my meager words.
Victory is yours seize it tightly and do not let it go! My words cannot be enough. They are all that I have.
If you need to vent my DM's are open.
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