Mandamon

Just did some research on moons and you're completely right, Shrike. The only way we can see the Apollo landing sites is by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter, which has to dip to hundreds of miles (not thousands) from the surface. Even taking into account that Phobos (which I'm using as a baseline) is only 5,826 mi (9,380 km) from Mars' surface compared to 238,900 mi (384,500 km) from the Earth to the Moon, there's no way a ground telescope could see something that small. The more you know...

Not a huge issue, but whenever I see something along the lines of "Remembered no more" I'm reminded of the Hobbit, where it seemed nearly every one of his chapters ended with Bilbo falling unconscious. That's what I thought this was. Maybe I haven't even been panicked enough, but I've never done this. Seems like it would take extra effort when you're dealing with the panic. It also threw me out a bit wondering if a young boy would have this reaction vs. someone elder. It may not be a problem--I might just be weird.

Thanks! I may take you up on that. I'll also have at least one other short story in this universe to submit to the reading group, maybe in a couple months. Less magic, but more about the different species.

Awesome comments, Shrike. I was a little worried about the ending myself. I have a couple ideas to tie in the urn with the assassin, which will hopefully make it more satisfying. This was originally the first few chapters of a novel, but it can stand on its own, so I made that my challenge. The drain ties in with the novel, so my goal was to make this short story as an eventual appetizer. I placed the moon as slightly closer than phobos and deimos on Mars, but you're right on the telescope. I'll rework that.

Thanks king and smgorden. On epithets/curses I imagine Shiv's whole body is sacred, being a god, so the point of Rilan's cursing was to be as creative as possible in naming different parts. Infinitives: Origon (and by extension the Kirian species) has a specific way their words come across, mainly to give them a bit of an alien feel. Any thoughts about the conclusion of this story? Did it work for you? Was there a sense of closure? Any promises kept/not kept? Does it make you want to read other things in this universe?

pg 1: "Papa was mine, and I was his. That was my one unshakeable truth in the world. Knowing it made all manner of trouble worth bearing." --this seems ominous. (Edit--and it played out in the end of this submission...well played.) pg 3: "There was no movement, but someone was there waiting. I knew it. The splashing went on." --This was a little confusing. The whole passage is very creepy and well done, but I gathered from the splash of water (or milk) on metal, that the cow was being milked by the shadowy figure. Then you said it was motionless. pg 4: "Stealing the milk." --So I guess the shadow is milking the cow? Very nice phrasing in the way the woman speaks. It sound very much as a fairy would speak, rhyming their phrases almost by instinct. pg 8: "I put my hand over my mouth and breathed hard through my fingers so I could hear the air moving in and out of me." --why? pg 8: "He shouldn’t have it go out." --missing "let" pg 11: "The room took to spinning and I felt a warm hand on my shoulder again as all went black and I remembered no more that day." --This seems very Tolkien, but almost reads as a cliche in today's writing. Definitely some more magic going on with this chapter. It's quite a bit different to the first few chapters. The second chapter has a dreamlike quality. I'm not sure what Trahaearn did to him, but it seems like the boy was in a trance. I'm also not completely clear on what throwing the stones in the well did. Afterward, he could tell Trahaearn about the girl, so did he throw a stone away called "promises?" I assume he "renamed" his father's stone so he could keep the memory of his father? Again, the writing is very well done, but some of the meaning isn't completely clear. I'm definitely hooked, so reading straight through, I would keep going to find out what happened next rather than puzzling over the parts I don't understand.

pg 1: "Alfred remained frozen in his place like an unmoving corpse. In fact, if it weren’t for his occasional changes of posture, people would have long thought him dead." --I Alfred actually dead? Or undead? it seems like that's what you're telling me. Also, he's not unmoving if he's changing his posture. pg 1: "Alfred was suddenly interrupted by a soft murmur inside his head" --It's not inside his head if someone is talking to him, unless it's by telepathy. pg 1/2: regarding the harbor master shouting at him, if Alfred's been suspicious the last couple days, I would think the harbor master would just have his guards drag him off if he's unresponsive. pg 2, 3rd paragraph. You switch to the harbor master's POV from Alfred's. Is this intentional? (edit: reading the rest, this seems to be deliberate. However, from the way things are presented, I'm not sure not whether Alfred or the harbor master is the main character.) (2nd Edit: reading your comment above, yes, I noticed it, and no, it didn't seem appropriate. See my comments below) pg 2: "eyes sticking out of their sockets" --this sounds like it may be detrimental to his health. The whole chapter was basically Alfred being told to move along, and doing it. Then the harbor master makes a fool of himself. There was some character development for both Alfred and the harbor master, but not really anything in terms of plot or starting a story. What is Alfred doing while sitting and thinking about things? Why does the harbor master taunt him when he's obviously a dangerous man? How will the harbor master go on with this emotional scar? The more I read, the more I'm unsure who's story this is (see note about POV). I would guess Alfred, as he's got a name, but you have a lot of detail about the harbor master. The writing was smooth enough, but honestly at this point I would read something with worse writing but a better hook into the plot. The tone was a bit strange, with moments of nothing happening and then almost melodramatic outbursts from the harbor master. I'm interested to see how the next part builds the plot.

Personally, I would keep Irving and get rid of Sean. Sean's character could either be rolled in with Irving's or with Stephen's fairly easily to give a bit more intrigue to what Stephanie does.

Notes first: pg 1: "She had to stay focus if any of them had a chance of getting out of her alive." --focused, here pg 1: "It didn’t matter, not to the mission at end." --?? pg 1: "It stood suspended twenty feet above all of them." --There's a lot happening while the golem is poised above them. pg 2: "Rewer smelled like roadkill roasting on a hot summer day." --can she smell him from down on the ground, 20 feet away? Or is he not on the golem? Where is Rewer standing anyway? pg 3: "Stephanie was done hearing listening to him." --hearing listening pg 3: "Rewer’s oil-stained lap." --Is he sitting on the ground? pg 5: "Then she punched him in the left shoulder." --Really? Punching a man with broken bones? That's some sadism. pg 6: "Renfield noticed the slightest curve to Evelyn’s lips as she faced Bannister, and he wondered if she might be looking at Bannister for another reason." --Eh? What's going on here? I don't remember any attraction between these two. pg 8: "Stephanie cut him off. “I’m sure our questions can wait until then.”" --Is this Stephanie talking? Or Sean? It's in Sean's paragraph, but Stephanie cut him off. pg 9: "not the final copy.” --not the ONLY copy. pg 12: "That’s in the past now.” Stephanie said." --actually, I'm sort of on her father's side. Renfield and Bannister are provable murderers. pg 15: Stephanie's father just sort of shows up in a phone call now that everything's past. If he is actually the head of the company, why hasn't anyone contacted him? Why hasn't he called? He doesn't seem very good at responding to monster threats. pg 17: "a couple members of the board got out" --Those were the members of Quaris' board, correct? pg 19: "see ya at the next session: --which session is this? "as he prepared to drift off to sleep. As he lingered off into sleep" --repeated phrase pg 21: "Serena,” --Stephanie's sister, right? Epilogue: Not completely sure what I feel about this. In one sense, it seems like the last half of the book was all a setup for this chapter. In another it feels like it's just there to promo the next book. It does answer some of the questions raised in the last chapter, but it feels too pat. How did Serena get created when Dracula is buried under the sea? I don't have a good sense of the timing. Both Serena and Stephen are, in essence, new characters introduced in the last three chapters of the book just to explain things. Overall thoughts: This has lots of potential, but needs a bit of work. 1) Irving and Jason - Neither character works for me as is. Irving is not consistent in what he wants and his reasons for playing traitor. Jason is just a jerk and Stephanie would never have started a relationship with him. 2) Plot - I've marked quite a few logical inconsistencies as I've read along. I think the overall scope of the plot is ok (maybe with some tweaks on Serena's involvement popping up only in the epilogue), but often getting from one place to another has issues. 3) Relationships: Stephanie and Renfield, Evelyn and Bannister (evidently), Stephanie and Jason, Irving and Rebecca. Either the relationship doesn't seem like it's developed enough, or has serious problems. I never really felt like Renfield and Stephanie clicked at all. 4) Blocking: Fight scenes and people placement often have issues. 5) Copy editing - needs a good once-over to get all the typos, repeated phrases, and so on. If you have any specific questions, let me know and I can provide more feedback.

I thought this was one of the best entries of this story so far. You reveal some information without giving us too much. As to your questions above: 1) I like the Keeper of Secrets. He's mysterious, playing into fears of spiders that most people have, and may or may not have killed all those people. We're not sure if he's actually bad or just misunderstood. He might be Hellas' old teacher? 2) I like the riddles. It's a traditional past time, and I think fits with the theme of heaven and ancient history 3) I don't think it's convenient there's a back way. There usually is, in fortresses, and if the only one who knows about it also may be killing the people he tells, then it's pretty well guarded. 4) I'm definitely interested in finding out who Hellas is after reading this chapter. Before, I could take it or leave it. I don't know who he is, unless I'm missing some big hint. I do think he may not be playing for the same side as he used to. Oh, and by the way, I like the flow of the content you've changed in your summary. Notes while writing: pg 1/2: I really like the intro to this. It gives a lot of cool history in few words. I'm especially intrigued by the mention of the different races (? - types of angels?) in the Tozan and Seafolk. pg 2: "‘Ordering armour means trusting someone. If I’m going to do this I need to stay anonymous, at least at the start.’" --I didn't quite get what's going on here. Why would he need to order armor? I assume this has something to do with the plan we don't know about between Lucifer and Hellas. pg 6: ‘Isn’t it?’ --I assume this is a hint to past identity. pg 7: "He waited for the sounds to return to him, using the reverberations to construct a mental picture of the labyrinth." --I'm with you on producing the sound, but does he have the capacity to construct echolocation into a map? That would require some recalibration of senses and brain, or it's an ability you haven't told us about until now. pg 7: "Hellas summoned a small sphere of glowing white energy over his palm." --Why not just do this instead of echolocation? If this isn't enough, make a bigger light, or stick lights to the walls. pg 11: "His eight legs, like those of some giant crab" --was his old teacher the Keeper?

AuthorityHellas: Thanks! Interplanetary travel seems to be one of the big questions for this story. I'll need to add something (quick) in at the beginning to explain. Basically,each homeworld is in a different solar system, and the species are just inventing space travel. However, they have an economy based on traveling through portals to the other homeworlds, so they haven't needed space travel until now. Spot on with the portal explanation. You can only make one to where you've been. That's why they need to travel to the moon the first time. I'll clarify that as well. I'll stay silent on the Drain/urn for now. Let me know what you think after the last entry.

Previously, Origon attends a gathering called by the Methiemum species to reveal a new technology. It turns out to be a space-faring capsule, but the majus pilot is assassinated before they can take off. Origon happens to be the right kind of rare majus to take his place, and decides to do so. He loses much of his potential flying the capsule, and barely manages to crash on the surface of Ksupara. On Ksupara, Origon and the crew discover a growing anomaly, which he calls a Drain. Origon is weakened from piloting the capsule and the Symphony cannot touch the Drain. He barely manages to open a portal to allow the crew and him to escape. Like last time, Let me know: What bores you What confuses you What you don't believe What is cool UPDATE: from the comments two submissions ago, I've adjusted the magic system from using a person's "light" to their "song," using the notes that make up their own existence to create the change. Let me know if it works for you. Sorry folks, slightly over the 5000 word limit. It's all due to the new edits I put in! Thanks!

AuthorityHellas, thanks for the critiques! I think I have actually used specifically grace notes, cadences, arpeggios to describe the magic, but in another piece in this universe. I'll check and see whether I over-used some terminology here. Thanks for the catch! As to why the capsule had to take off, I give the explanation the first section that the "pilot light" so to speak has already been lit, and will set the capsule off soon. It would also take them a long time to amass that amount of fuel again. I'll see if I can make this clearer. Hopefully your thoughts about the magic consequences will be addressed by the magic overhaul I'm doing. Let me know what you think of the third section, where I've replaced "light" with maji using part of their own "song" (a fixed supply) to create the changes. I'm going to go back and edit this section to reflect that as well. Thanks for the other catches as well, I'll use them when I do edits.

Thanks Shrike! All the homeworlds are in different solar systems, but can be connected via portals. Hence the constellations are different. That's not covered here directly except for that aside, so I'll try to make it a little clearer to avoid confusion. Glad you like "song" instead of "light." Thanks for the suggestion! I really like the edit myself and I'm incorporating it into the other works in this universe. Re: the Drain. I think I need to do some editing before I submit the last section, as I don't think the characters ask enough questions about it. I'll leave it at that for now and see what everyone says. Agreed the captain needs a bigger role. He had even less of one before this rewrite, and I'm starting to grow fond of him! The last entry will be here soon! Glad you're enjoying it so far. I'm interested to see what everyone thinks of the ending.

And I'd like to do the last section of The First Majus in Space. Great feedback so far on it!

I have many of the same responses as the others here. So this just occurred to me: Why is Rewer doing this? He's already immortal, for all we can tell, and he's obviously got power already. Why does he need the ritual? What does he gain from it (aside from raising dirt-golems, which aren't really useful except for punching things). This definitely built up the tension, but as the others have said, there are some issues with the blocking and thus the fight is hard to follow. I'm not really on board with Rewer controlling oil. There wasn't any build up to this and oil is only dead in as much as any organic molecule is dead. You might as well say Rewer can control plastic, or cars, or picked vegetables. If you foreshadow and explain beforehand, I'll have a much easier time believing it. Notes: pg 1: "Stephanie knew where the next one would land." --She does? pg 2: “The Solomonari has escaped!” Rewer’s face contorted into a snarl." --Following from the comments last week, Rewer really should have had all the components of the ritual in place before he started. pg 3: "His already sunken features seemed to wince." --did it or didn't it? pg 3: "The Solomonari could have gotten far" --could not have pg 3: "After tonight’s failure, the Scholomance just isn’t a viable option anymore.” --It hasn't failed yet, and this guy is really quick to jump ship when surrounded by monsters who could easily kill him. pg 4: "The two guards standing by the unconscious drew their automatic weapons on Rewer" --so I'm assuming they had already planned to betray Rewer from the start? pg 5: "failed to see to your due diligence?”" --failed to do... pg 6: “In short, the dead.” --weeeellll...I guess you could say that. Comparing oil to the dead is sort of like saying we're all made of exploded stars. pg 6: "miniature mud slight --mud slide? pg 10: "I guess he didn’t take getting laid off that well.” --Did they know this happened? pg 11: "from his own body" --Whose body? Rewers? pg 12: "The golem’s claw began to descend" --I don't have a good picture of the blocking here. You mentioned the golems coming from the earth, and they they're towering over Renfield. I missed where they started to move around. pg 14: "only to see the golem’s face, sending chunks of mud and dirt flying into the air. " --missing what happened to the golem pg 17: "That was all Jason said before he walked away. --yeah, I really don't like him. pg 18: "She looked to Jason at least, unable to withstand the harsh new realities of his gaze for very long." --Nope. The hard warrior you've showed us Stephanie to be isn't going to wilt under this jerk's gaze. pg 21: "“You are kind of an cremhole, dude.” He said." --Lol. pg 28: "Renfield recognized his mother immediately. He finally recognized her" --seems contradictory

Great start! You've got some mystery there, and I'm eager to see what Alfred is trying to achieve. The biggest thing I want to see is more action. You have a lot of phrases that don't really do anything, and it feels like this takes some of the tension away. Some examples below: He urged himself inside his head He struggled for a few moments while he reached inside it didn’t dance around, but instead traveled swiftly. You could take out half (or all) of each of these sentences and it wouldn't detract anything, but the person reading would feel more tension.

Thanks folks! Looks like I need some more description to add to the tension. That and add more description of the Drain. @rdpulfer: I think I mentioned Origon's features in earlier sections, but I'll check. Totally possible that I made more mention of it here. @smgorden: Good catch on how the Drain is placed in the capsule. I'll tidy that up. @Robinksi: Great comments as always. I also felt like the captain needed a parting line, but couldn't come up with anything witty. And of course good physics checks. I like the suggestions on the song. I'm going to need to play with it a little to get the descriptions right. @king: Thanks for the input! I'll check out your story.

Pg2: Top. The first paragraph is sort of confusing. He's afraid, but calm at the same time. pg 2: "I sat up, wincing and rubbing my head where it had struck the floor. " --I had a little problem with the blocking. I imagined Trahaearn holding the boy upright, so he would land on his feet when dropped. Did he fall backwards? How did he bump his head? These fairy tales remind me of the ones in Johnathon Strange and Mr. Norell. pg 12: "Woefun slunk down into the hair on the back of the munching beast, " - I thought he was in front of the hare? pg 16: "It doesn’t feel like an ending." --I'm glad the boy brings this up too. pg 16: “That’s the way a person thinks, son. Not so for a fairy. The very idea of home would be strange to them.” --good explanation. I like the ending to this section. That's probably the most memorable bit for me. I'm still not completely sold on the stories, as they don't really tie into the main story, but they are easy to read, as is the rest of your writing. The transition of the relationship between the boy and his father was very well written and helps build things along. I'm still not sure what's going on with Trahaearn except that he's an old storyteller who's probably been to fairyland. I guess that's something the boy doesn't know yet? I don't have suspicions in particular at this point, but certainly willing to read more and find out.

Previously, Origon attends a gathering called by the Methiemum species to reveal a new technology. It turns out to be a space-faring capsule, but the majus pilot is assassinated before they can take off. Origon happens to be the right kind of rare majus to take his place, and decides to do so. He loses much of his potential flying the capsule, and barely manages to crash on the surface of Ksupara. Like last time, Let me know: What bores you What confuses you What you don't believe What is cool UPDATE: from the comments last time, I've adjusted the magic system from using a person's "light" to their "song," using the notes that make up their own existence to create the change. Let me know if it works for you. Thanks!

I'd like to submit part 3 of 4 to the group on Monday.

I really like the changes to Elohim. I've seen "God as prisoner" used before (in stories that escape my memory at the moment) and that works very well to explain both the "why is there evil" question and to help the story when it has an omnipotent/omniscient character. On dead people going to the void, I don't think I caught that, so you might need to make it clearer. The other issue, of course, is that traditionally humans go to heaven when they die, so having humans and angels all go to the same place is a little confusing to the reader and might need clarity.

Oh wow I need to watch that.

You got it. And challenging the Council of the Maji, to boot!

I'm a little guilty of omission here, as this story is part of a larger universe of works. Suffice to say there's a sort of central location called the Nether where all the species coexist. It doesn't really come into this story, but the species all find it on their own as it attracts errant portals. So there's no space flight as yet because the species can all interact with each other without the need for messy spaceflight. Actually, looking at this, that might be kind of important to understanding why they're sending this capsule into space. I think it was in there originally, but I took it out to keep from dragging in even more explanation. I'll see if I can add that in as a sidenote somewhere.