Mandamon

Maybe it's weekly reader syndrome, but the first couple pages seem overly cryptic, like I'm missing some piece of information. pg 2: "Synesthesia in full swing" --you then list a bunch of synesthesia-type sensations afterwards (and later in the chapter), but there's no hint of it before now. pg 3: Baxter keeps repeating the line about the doors, but I don't know what it means. It's not getting any clearer when the line is repeated. pg 9: There's a lot of bantering upt to this point. It's sort of making the story drag for me. I'm waiting to see what's going on with the door. pg 11: Baxter's starting to piss me off too. pg 16: Again, lots of bantering here between Baxter and the ghost. Not a lot of information, though. Not sure why trees are snapping and toppling. Is Baxter doing that, or the ghost? pg 20: "By Jove, I think he's got it!" --But I don't. I have no idea who this ghost is, and by the end of 10 pages of conversation with it, I want to. Overall, I didn't like this submission as much as the first one. Last week promised we'd find something out about the doors and what Baxter is doing. But instead, I'm reading mostly bantering conversation without a whole lot of information revealed. Some good character development for Baxter, but I was almost skimming over those parts to find out what was going on with the doors. As far as I can tell they were some joke of the ghost or something? By the end, I was pretty confused, and now also don't know who this ghost is. As a note on your recap above: "The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible." --Did we actually learn this in the first chapter? I wasn't aware that Baxter developed powers in his teens. We also haven't really seen any of those powers yet, except maybe that he can see the doors?

pg 1: "golden energy torch" --this just sort of sounds funny. Getting through the mountain is better this time around. It doesn't seem so fast. Better description of World's End as well. No meteors, but I still have the sense of continuous fighting and corruption. pg 4: "The two bloated angels" --Are they angels? I thought they were Hellspawn? pg 4: "Abholos" --what are these? pg 4: "‘That’s going to attract attention,’ Hellas muttered, dissolving the White Faces with a wave of his hand" --I'm still not sold on Hellas' ability to summon multiple proficient fighters from nothing. pg 6: "his glaive clutched tightly in his hand" --has he had this the whole time? pg 8: Much better reveal with Hellas taking off the mask. Two things at the end: 1) It still is extremely easy for Eirael and her army to escape. I still don't believe that they couldn't have made some escape attempt, especially since they spent years there losing people to horrible experiments. 2) I don't understand where they went at the end. I thought they were in a giant cavern already. Did Hellas open a path into a different cavern? Also, this again begs the question: why didn't the entire army that could have escaped at any time do the same thing, at some point in the last ten years? I think on the whole this is much better, in a technical and readability sense. However, the big underlying logical problems are still there. I think you can give a satisfactory explanation for it--just need to figure out what it is.

If you want to find places to cut, what generally works for me is to take a week or so break from it (if you have the time) and then come back and read it again. You'll find more words to cut.

Yay! New Robinski stuff! Overall I liked it. The technical writing was good as always. I liked the dysfunctional relationship between Marie and Paul. However I spent most of the beginning and the end confused. Looks like I have pretty much the same comments as everyone else, below. My major issues were: 1) I don't know what the NEU is / where it comes from / how unique it is. 2) I have no idea why Paul would be in the police force since his co-workers don't really know about the NEU either. 3) I don't have a good connection between the NEU handlers and the organ trafficking. I feel like they're connected, though. 4) I don't get a good resolution from the ending (partially because of blocking). Notes: ------------------- pg 2: "Garbage-man" has already been identified to me as the pony-tailed man. pg 2: "vessel for five million dollars-worth of organs." --that's gruesome... pg 3: "The kernel whispers, reminding me I'm a policeman." --interesting pg 4: "she’s half depressing the door handle. ‘Ninety, Paul. Ninety.’" --don't' get what this is reffering to. Percent match, I assume? pg 8: "No point in acquiring things that will become alien by tomorrow." I still don't fully get this. Is he forgetting what happened the day before? He remembers the overall sequence of things, though. If not, and it's just the NEU whispering to him, then that's not clear. Edit: should have read further. This section explains it. pg 12: so I gather from this that Paul is unique, and the other policemen do not use an NEU. Makes me wonder why just Paul and where the NEU came from. pg 16: "end of the pier" --They're in an airport, right? Is this a British usage I'm missing? pg 16: got a little lost in the blocking, here and through the chase on the next few pages. pg 17: "hospital smock, drugged." --So this is the same time as the opening paragraphs... pg 18: "My eye does to the coffins" --goes? pg 18: "B-line" --beeline? Blocking again in the action at the end. They're in a graveyard, but then in a building? Not sure. The change from dated entries to a long narrative sort of threw me off. I was expecting another one for the rest of the story. I never really got a sense of what the NEU was, why Paul had one, who was controlling him, and why he's working for the police. Then it's shut off, I assume because the same people who are running the organ trafficking are running his NEU? Why then is he anywhere near the police? I feel like there either needs to be more to the story to give the final explanation, or that this is leading into a second story/part.

I think everyone's covered the show, don't tell portion, so I won't go into that much. You're correct that the character is the one describing emotions, but now its that the character is telling his emotions rather than the author. The next step is to have the character show his emotions. On smoothness and non-native speaker, I did notice word choice occasionally, but if you hadn't told us, I would only suspect from reading lots more of your comments on the forum. I think the language and word choice problems can easily be corrected by a once-over by a native speaker. I think your writing has improved from the last piece.

The first paragraph is easier to follow pg 2: I like the note that Siad Amak's power still protected them. pg 3: "The baking air was a blanket, wrapping her in comfort like a mother’s arms. It was not enough." --the baking air was not enough? I'm not sure what the last sentence is referring to. pg 5: "As he spoke, a web of fine cuts opened all over his skin. Smoke trickled from his mouth. --This shows what Idris is doing a lot better pg 9: the fight with the jackals still seems long, especially compared to the stone lion and the worshipers. pg 9: "Idris was pale and shake from bleeding" shaking? shook? pg 9: "Siad Amak’s amulets still hid them" --but the amulets hadn't hid them from the stone lion and the jackals. Or was that because the demons had seen them? pg 10: "An obsidian giant, taller than a tower, strode across the plain. A few hills east, a great pine with silver needles and a trunk skinned with silent, screaming child faces sprouted to the sky." I like the extra touches with making more demons visible in the desert. pg 10: "It wrapped him from shoulder to hip like a cage of bone and silver" I hadn't realized it was this big. Did it fold up while he carried it? pg 12:"A great falcon with wings that reached the horizon, the sun its blazing eye. The greats wings beat with a wind to send ships speeding across the wave, or shatter them with its strength. " --"great wings" --"great" twice in two lines --Also, because of the title, we know this is the one the second it appears, which removes some of the tension. It's very close to the reveal that this is the correct god, but still I thought I'd mention it. I wonder if there's a way to bring the reveal and the climax even closer together. I agree that there shouldn't be much more at the end or else it will make the story drag. However, the conclusion is still almost abrupt--only two sentences long, and just after they manage to trap Bash-Irem. There's no time for my tension to dissipate. Maybe just one or two sentences to give a hint of what is to come? Will the god protect them? Will Alssia become a priestess? will the people of the city greet them with open arms at this new god? All in all, still a very good story, and I think the edits make it better. There's a lot more good description of how the demons look and act. Just the few things I noted above. The main things I still find pull me out a little are the length of the fight with the jackals, especially compared to the stone lion, and the abruptness of the ending.

pg 1: "feel it in my guts" --feel it in my gut pg 1: you tell us a lot about how scary the cave is supposed to be, but don't show it. The MC says its dark and that something is there, but what is his/her reaction? How does it make him/her feel? pg 2: "What was that? I definitely heard something. Is someone there? What should I do? The very thought of someone being here suffocated me. Why would anyone be in this cave? Why didn’t I see any lights? Or could it be a dangerous animal and I just walked into its den? Am I in danger? Will I be hurt?" --lots of questions, none of which heighten the tension. They actually detract because I have to wade through them. pg 2: "Color returned to my skin as I relaxed" --probably couldn't see that. There's a lot of empty content in this, as well as lots of "had"s and "that"s which could be cut out. All of that drains the tension away for me. take this section: "But deep down I knew. Instinctively, I realized what kind of situation I was in. And I saw it for what it really was. Despair." This could be cut to: "But deep down I knew despair." This gets the point across quickly and makes room for more vivid imagery and action.For only being 1200 words, this felt long to me. So far, I'm not that invested in this character, and the alien/demon thing isn't that scary because I don't actually have much real reaction from the MC.

pg 3: "I won't get hurt," --interesting. Is this magic, or bravado? I don't quite have a concept of the setting yet. Seems to be present day from the references. pg 5: "Not the pain in my chest, or the sight of my blood dripping from his bayonet, but the look on his face. " --okay, so purgatory or a limbo of some sort? pg 5: "It's the first of March, 2015," said Courtney --well, that settles it. But is this a physical place? pg 5: ""As best we've been able to figure out, there are certain kinds of memories that are stored mostly in the mind, and certain memories that linger with the soul, or the spirit, or whatever you want to call it. " --this is a strange bit of infodumping, as I don't even know where they are or why I need to know about memories, minds, and souls. pg 6-12: I sort of skimmed over all the discussion about good and bad, how one feels after dying, the recognition of a tune and flags, and identifying where the man came from. I can't tell how it's relevant to the plot yet. I don't really have a connection to this guy who can't remember his name. There's a lot of over-explaining concepts that the readers will be familiar with, even if the man doesn't know them. I'm much more interested in Ashley knife fighting. pg 13: "as long as you're here, you a physical body with very real blood" --interesting pg 16: so I guess Ashley is still alive then? I'm not sure. I think there was probably too much explanation about the definition of depression. Once the reader knows that's what Ashley is dealing with, the point is settled. As the others have said, I would reveal that concept with her actions rather than her talking about it. The last line revealing that she was talking to her Grandfather sounded like it was meant to signify something important, but I'm not sure what it was. Overall, this was fairly interesting. I'm more intrigued by the concept of the bar where the dead and living mix. I'm guessing this is an actual bar in a city somewhere, rather than a meeting place in the spirit world, but I'm not sure yet. I'm not really interesting in identifying where the ghosts come from, unless it's going to mean something to the story. I don't think this works as a standalone, as there's no real conclusion. We don't know what's up with Ashley, or what happens to her. I still know almost nothing about how the bar and Courtney work. It's honestly not that satisfying, but I'm willing to read more in hopes that the next chapter explains some more.

Yep. I'll second that. I have a schedule when I get home from my day job: Monday and Wednesday nights I have about 1.5 hours to write. Every week. Since I'm in the schedule, I'm already thinking about what I'm going to write before I get to it, which helps with procrastination / writer's block. If I need to get more done, I cut gaming time and add about 30-40 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I'll write on Friday/Saturday/Sunday when I can. It's amazing how much you can get done when you decide it's a job you want to do.

I think the others got the same main points I did. I thought the writing was very good, which definitely keeps my interest. The beginning was very visceral with the deer, almost too much for me, but the writing kept my interest. Like Asmodemon and Shrike, I got a little confused with the multiple voices and memories. I realize that it was serving a purpose, but it might so much that it's making your point harder to follow rather than easier. I didn't have too much problem with purple prose, but it could stand to have an edit for excess words. I'm interested to find out what Baxter can do, what his magic is, and what the doors do. You've got a good setup, so I'm interested to see what comes next.

I did, a bit. So there's still 2 POVs in 7500 words?

Congrats!

Ah, then yes, that is a run-on. Same as my example above.

I'll second that (on the robust group--Robinksi, I think your comments are fine..). There was one guy who tended to be very critical, and left a little bit after because several people called him on it. By interesting to note that it was the reviewer who left, not the writer! In any case, king007 since you're aware of the level of critique going on, I don't think you'll have a problem with it.

I actually didn't have much of a problem with that sentence. I think because it's technically correct. There are two lists of three things, and while there are a lot of "ands," the sentence itself is right. I've been guilty of this one myself. The ones I get on Robinski about are sentences that are actually two stuck together with a comma, you can see how they either require a semicolon or a period

I think everyone has covered the relevant points so far, so I don't have too much to add. I really enjoyed this and it definitely reminds me both of Gladstone's books and of Pratchett's Small Gods. Like everyone else, I got confused by the first paragraph, especially between Belhadid and Belmaladh the first time around. After that it smooths out. I'll second that the fight with the jackals was too long. With less detail it might actually flow better. As to it being too "easy," I didn't think so while reading, but looking through the comments, I can see that. I was thinking that Alssia's leg wound didn't slow her down enough. Two days seems like a short time to tame a god, but this is also a very god/demon rich world, so I can see how that would be the norm. I loved the gods you showed, especially the stone lion and the demon cult around it. The ending worked for me. I was originally thinking the female god would come between Idris and Alssia, but then you turned it around. Cool. To Robinski's point, if you were to add a little bit to the end you could show how they changed by hosting the god, but I was fine with the story as it was. The main theme was the relationship between the two and I think you nailed it. Some grammar notes: pg 2: "and she like looking." --liked pg 2: "She almost laughed" --repeated pg 7: "but they showed not real sign of it." --no real sign pg 8: "the Jackal’s neck " --capitalized Jackal

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'll dive right in... Lots of violence isn't my thing, but that's personal preference. My main issue was lots of big blocks of text, a bunch of infodumping at the beginning, and then a big battle where I don't have an attachment to any of the parties. this means I end up not caring which side wins. You have some pretty graphic description of the atrocities of the people Andinal is fighting, but those on his side are pretty bad too. Even with all the infodumped information (which is more about the world and less about the characters) I don't know anyone's motivations, which makes me less interested in the outcome. Pg 1: He might not care about hammering his arm off, but at some point the loss of blood will make him slow down, if nothing else. Or will the wound close off? pg 2: second paragraph starts out about the opposing army, and then transforms in the middle to a sort of confusing and rambling tale about Andrinal's upbringing. It might be good to reorder this information. pg 3/4: I dont' really feel anything for Andrinal. He's very overpowered. I'm also not sure what age Dirk is supposed to be. Andrinal regards him as a younger boy, but Dirk seems much more world-wise than a child would be. --you later say he's 16. He still feels too mature for this age, to me. pg 5: ok--I guess Dirk was trying to make him angry? Don't really understand why that powers Andrinal up. --you explain this later, but I was confused as to the emotional aspect of the magic before this. From here on, this is mainly a big description of a battle. I honestly wasn't too into it, as I don't know the reasons for any of the fighting. Andrinal's a slave of some sort, and his disdain for everyone else comes through. Why should I be caring about any of these characters? pg 10: wait...why did he kill his own horse? Overall I would rather have some information on why people are doing what they're doing before jumping into the battle. I think this does have potential for the magic system, but I need a much better connection to the characters.

Not too much to comment on this one. The first chapter had some good fairyland references, but didn't add a whole lot to the story overall. We do find out where Joanna comes from and some hints about where Trahaearn lost his eye, but this chapter and the last could probably be combined. The last few pages of the second chapter were a little confusing blocking-wise (and I think they were supposed to be), but it was to the point where I wasn't sure if they had transferred over to fairyland until they showed up at Mrs. Caughthron's house. There wasn't a lot of description of what the thing in the water was, or why Trahaearn decided to go that way if it was a risk. Part of the passive feeling may be that the boy doesn't really have any decisions to make. He's reacting to everything, being told what to do, and following along. The writing was still good and drew me in, but these didn't have quite the pull as the last couple chapters. pg 3: I like the briar rose/sleeping beauty reference pg 5: "At this, he jumped and fell over to the floor." -Fell on the floor? Fell over on the floor? pg 6: “Never I knew and never I cared. He asked me to dance and I found I that I dared,” -extra "I" pg 9: “He had his own two eyes when he walked into the music room, but by the time I tumbled out of the violin here at Mrs. Caughthron’s, he was wearing that sash.” -cool pg 11: the key on the carrot is also cool. pg 11: "I looked closely at the key, and it had two little shapes marked on it. A feather and a button." -I'm guessing this has some significance, but I don't know what it is.

I think king007 has the gist of it here. I liked this chapter, but it had a lot of long sentences and extra details. Aside from that it was well written and flowed well. pg 2: "Giselle hated lying, but hated the thought that her sister was missing and that she hadn’t raised an alarm because she was more interested in getting Leni in trouble." -awkward sentence pg 3: "Away from the home itself, in a small clearing by the open-sided shed where the business was done of scraping out the insides of the waxfruit rinds, something shining in the grass caught Giselle’s eye." -also awkward, and passive voice pg 4: "Her mother would think her daft if Giselle mentioned it, and anyone else would cry heresy at the mention of an angel and a human meeting in the night." -Surely her mother would believe her if Giselle showed her the feather... pg 7: "because she believed what was said about the angels without a hint of doubt." -I know this is a legitimate thing, but I'm still having some trouble believing it. The feather Giselle picked up is unique, and I don't think could be any other animal. If she just showed it to her mother, even if her mother didn't believe it, she would still have tried. pg 12: "“We never call upon the angels’ help. It is theirs alone to offer." -So do the tithes go to the angels? Otherwise how is Mr. Eneva expected to contact them? I think I was mainly confused by the relationship between the villagers and the angels. We don't know anything about how the village hierarchy works, and this chapter focused a lot on commerce and taxes. I'm still not completely satisfied about not seeing Leni. It's now been two chapters and I don't know what age she is or anything else about her except that she might either get sick a lot or fake sickness. As rdpulfer says, it probably needs to be clarified whether Leni has a history of faking illness. Still interested to see what happens next. Looking forward to what happened with the angel.

pg 4: I like Mrs. Caughthron and her stitching. I get the feeling there are more folks around the town who know about fairies and magic. pg 7: "Both of kept moving in place" --misssing a word. pg 11: This is first time you mention the boy being worried about his Papa. I was wondering before this how he was dealing with it. pg 13: Joanna's a fairy. Cool. I also ike Rip. Reminds me of the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk, eating bones. Pg 13: Although Joanna is really spilling the beans about fairyland, Trahaearn, and everything. There's been a big mystery since the start of the book, and then Joanna is very blase about it. I liked this chapter a lot. Good information about Fairyland, great characters with Mrs. Caughthron and Joanna. However, like last week, it felt really out of place with what I've read before. The first two submissions were dreamy and a bit unconnected. This one and last week's very much tell a story. If the rest of the story is like this, then I don't think the first few chapters are needed at all, or bits could be incorporated into these last two submissions.

From your questions: 1. What do you think of World’s End? --My main problem is with how you've set up entry into Worlds End, which I described in my notes below. Past that, meteors are striking (from where?) fires exploding, volcanoes, ect. It's certainly a vision of Hell. I wonder at the effort to keep the "effects" going. Is this natural, or something contrived by the three gods? And do they just sit there all the time, as you describe Set? Do the gods wander around? 2. Is it plausible that Hellas could sneak in and out with his soldiers, or do you think that’s a little ridiculous? --Getting in, fine. I remarked below that it was strange only two lowly guards were at the door. Although after ten years with no escape attempts (?) maybe they think they don't need to. 3. What do you think of the new character (Eirael)? Is she badass enough? --I like Eirael, but I have the same problem as king007. If she's been there for 10 years, but kept in such good shape she can fight right after being released, and can escape herself, for that matter, I would think she would have come up with something after all this time. You've demonstrated before that Hellas can take care of hundreds of hellspawn by himself. 4. How is the pacing of this chapter? --I didn't have much of a problem. You set out the goal of releasing the prisoners, described World's End, and did what you said. In all, I thought this was a decent chapter, except for the logical issues with Eirael and the guards. Notes: pg 1: "Mor himself, an appropriate monument to the Creator God." --I feel like there's opportunity for explanation/expansion here what with the obvious character of Elohim who is literally the Christian God. pg 2: "Since no one had bothered to surmount the peak before," --No one's even flown up like Hellas is doing? Seems unlikely. pg 3: "Hellas clambered out of the hole and looked around, getting his first good look at World’s End." --I'm confused with the description here. He flew up into the peak of a really high mountain, down into the mountain itself, through a crack in the wall, and now he's looking over a plain? --I looked back at the beginning and do say the mountain is the only passage through the barrier. I guess I don't get the scale of Hellas moving through the bulk of the mountain. If he's flying 10 minutes just to get to the top, the width is going to be immense. pg 5: "great gulps of air through his tiny nostrils" --I don't think you can gulp with nostrils. pg 8: "Go talk to the Tozan or the Sokham if you want foot soldiers" --I was under the impression these had been subsumed into one people in the big city? Are there differences? Have we seen any of them before? pg 9: "After Hellas healed the man’s back and mangled right leg, the angel, Peter, also volunteered to free his comrades" --Have we seen healing before? I'm always suspicious of magical healing as most of the time it seems to have to cost to it. You get troops that can basically fight forever. pg 9:"By the time he was done, close to six hundred legionnaires were freed." --Is there no one else around to stop them? pg 9: "He had lost his leverage; " --Why? What does he have to lose by showing his face?

Thanks Robinski, great comments as usual. I'll try to address the parts where you got confused. Glad you liked the second half. It was changed more than the first, so that might be why you remember it less. On going through a random portal, this is sort of my reasoning for the species finding the Nether in the first place. Some crazy maji goes through a portal and ends up in the Nether with a bunch of aliens. Of course, they most likely end up in empty space somewhere...after all, there is a lot of that in the universe. Yes, the mayor is too dense and cowardly. I was going on his being innately greedy, but that will only go so far. I think with all the comments here, I can make it much more satisfying.

This was well written, as usual. Just a few things I noticed below. reading this was a little strange because Giselle is so focused on Leni, and we don't even see her sister in the first chapter. I feel like I'm waiting for something, and I'm not sure whether it's good or bad to be feeling that. The end of the chapter was almost a letdown for me because I was expecting some sort of resolution, rather than once again not seeing Leni, and Giselle waiting on her. I really liked the appearance of the angels above. I'm interested to learn more about them, and what they're intentions are. The waxfruit was cool. I'm definitely looking forward to finding out what's up with Leni. Since it was the solution suggested, I'm inclined to believe she's not pregnant. My first thought, for some reason, was that she was turning into an angel. Also interested to see if this is all from Giselle's POV, or if some chapters are from Leni or someone else. Notes: Bottom of pg 3: "impurities" three times in a row. You might want to find another word pg 4: "They lanced across the sky like pulled-apart balls of cotton, so it wouldn’t rain if she could get away to be with her friends for the afternoon but it would be windy." --awkward sentence pg 7: "Reyna cut her off, pressing a single finger to Giselle’s lips." I'm reminded of too many comedies with this description. It sort of loses its meaning. For your questions: --I originally put Giselle at early to mid teens, but based on the drawing in the dirt later and not really knowing/thinking about pregnancy, I'd maybe put her at 10-12? --Looking back, there wasn't a lot of description on the setting, but I wasn't bothered. I imagined a small village, poor folk, and the angels, which presumably come from somewhere richer. --I don't think I was confused by anything --I think the length of this chapter worked. My big issue, as I said above, was that I wasn't sure about not seeing Leni.

Great comments AH16! I really like the ideas here. Exhaustion could affect the person's natural rhythm (their music), or affect what their specific House is good at (communication, power, healing, etc). I'll play with this. I fully agree with this. I was sort of going with a Xanatos Gambit, but interrupted by the appearance of the Drain. Unfortunately, it didn't come out as strong as it could have been. I'm brainstorming how to rework it now, and trying to tie in the assassin a little more. If you do want to read the re-write, let me know and I can email it to you. And if anyone does want more, I'm planning on self-publishing a novella in this same universe, dealing with Rilan and Origon about 20 cycles before this point. I'm hoping to put it out in March. Waiting on the cover art and formatting right now.

I was somewhat immersed in this. Good job on getting second person to work. I wasn't actively thrown out by that, which I usually am. Mainly I wanted to know more about the person and his/her opponent. I think you could add a little setting and person description and turn this into a flash fiction. Clench your sword, clench it hard. Your life is your sword. Hold on to it well. --Actually, you want firm but relaxed grip. Clenching something leads to tense muscles, slower reaction time, and the possibility to drop the sword. You might want to do a little research on sword fighting. You don't give a description of what kind of sword (rapier, broadsword, katana) and the styles are very different. But there are some basic similarities. Grammar notes below He strifed to be the best --strove Who shall come on top? --shall come out on top you’ve know it --known and shatter his away --probably not 'shatter,' unless the sword is breaking. like his has already done --like his already has.