Mandamon

Overall, this read well. I have some comments and confusion on how the agency works in my notes. I think my biggest problems here are: 1) Why does the agency need money if they can change time 2) Why didn't they just change what A did and fix things? No one would know, right (since time would have changed)? 3) K does an about-face on how we's treating A, from the first part to the last part. Notes while reading pg 2: "donations were the Agency’s main revenue" --that seems odd for an agency with so much power. Surely someone's reversed time to play the slots a couple times and set up the agency? pg 2: "It had been barbaric, chaotic, an absolute mess." --uh-yeah! So there are other people who can change time? I wondering how the whole counry isn't completely messed up, or has ceased existing, by this point. pg 3: "daily opportunity" --I think we need more information on this. So law three means they limit themselves? Why not make an exception and fix everything? pg 4: "and did as we pleased, we would be betraying the trust of the populace and reverting back to our old ways" --ok, partially mollified. But at what point do they just say "we have a chance to save a lot of people" and do it anyway? Do regular people even know if time's been changed? Why not do it and just don't tell them? pg 5: on the other hand, punishing A for defying a direct order makes sense. I just think the agency could also fix the mistake... pg 7: "I was worried she was going to punish you or something.” --well, unpaid leave is a punishment... pg 7: "She couldn’t tell K." --so I guess health leave is paid then. Probably need to make sure that's clear. pg 7: "he would make a scene, and probably get himself in trouble as well" --K is being really chatty here. It doesn't jive with how he just spent 10 minutes not talking to A. pg 8: “You’re quiet,” --this as well. K seems to have forgotten he was angry.

Thanks @Robinski! Yes, basically the head can tilt forward 90 degrees and and drill. I'll see if I can make this clearer. I'll clear this up. Basically that she's controlling her rappel with the weight, at the same time as she's lifting the food up the wall to keep up with the climb I'll move this up. Can do! Glad this section went better. I've already cut it down a bit to up the tension, and your comments as always will be very helpful!

Submission 4: This is really long--sorry. It finishes out the section, and based on the arc, I think there would be a lot of WRS if I split it in half. Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag, and there is another crew climbing up the wall... Looking for all comments as usual, but also on consistency of character voice, and whether the emotion works in this section. Thanks!

Oof--does anyone mind a lot if my submission for next week is about 5700 words? It finishes up this section, and I'd rather get the whole arc out so there's less WRS in the comments.

Thanks @kais, and just in time! I was doing some edits this afternoon. I've removed more than a page out of the first five, so hopefully that speeds it up a bit. I wanted to get the specifics of climbing settled, so I could focus on the rest of the story Good catch. I added some in. Changed and deleted, respectively! Thanks!

I'd also like to submit on Monday if there's room.

I sent some LBLs your way. General thoughts on this one. Yes, a lot more action, and the pacing was very good. Edge of the seat the whole time! I have serious concerns about M's sanity, jumping out a window after she'd been shot, and then doing all this action. I would have thought she'd be hurting a lot more. My suspension of disbelief is stretched with the police response. I can't believe they'd let Q get away, only to start chasing after he was safely away from them. Q and Mor. is a big revelation, and you've buried the lede on page 13. We need to know their background a lot sooner so Q's desperation makes sense with regard to Mor. There's a pill for that now...

Lol--I had the same knee-jerk reaction before I told myself that I'd just finished two novellas, and I'm not planning to submit those...

Yeah--still not sure about this line. I wanted to show that the whole thing is intimidating, but she's up for it. Awesome. This is what I was hoping for. I can focus on trimming down the previous section, to get to this point quicker. We'll see how much Robinski disagrees... ;-) I've done some rock climbing myself and did a fair bit of research on cliff climbing, so we'll see if it hold up to everyone else reading... Thanks @Truthweaver!

Huh--rather more notes than I was expecting this time. However, I think this does show S in a better light. S and M's reactions read more fluidly. Pacing is good, and I think the belligerence and independence work better with S as 17. Is M supposed to be the same age, or a few years older? Notes while reading: pg 6: "my voice wavered. Had M caught it? From the slight raise to her eyebrow, it seemed so." --Had she caught the emotion? Doesn't seem a big thing to worry about, with the other pressing matters like S's mother missing. I'd be surprised if S didn't have any emotion about it. pg 8: "There’s been a, distinct hemorrhage of grandmasters, as of late. They’re fleeing by the boatloads" --This just occurred to me: wouldn't think make the unbound guilds more popular? Technology can replicate crafts like woodworking and textiles fairly easily, but not alchemy and witchcraft. I'd think people would start going toward those guilds as something that can't be copied. pg 9: "Master level, I’d guess" --so is the dual guilds theme still a thing? Because S could easily be a master woodcutter, be legitimate, and then also be in alchemy. Or is S just being stubborn about not being in the guild? pg 10: "Seriously? I’d foiled a kidnapping attempt, and fended off a sentient tree, and she was worried about me leaving the capital?" --much better on the competency, and proactivity scales! pg 10 :"I’m not giving you a choice" --except she sort of was, before... pg 12: “There’s really no one else? No apprentices? Journeys?” She shook her head, the end of her braids bobbing across her back. “You’re all that’s left.” --ehh, not sure I believe they can't find an apprentice or two hiding somewhere, or maybe even a journey. pg 13: "Mother’s house had blown up and yet I could feel the rough cedar walls closing in on me. Suffocating me. Crushing me." --I think I figured out the problem I have with this: We know S doesn't like the woodcutters, but we don't know enough about why S doesn't like them yet to go along with S balking at saving a country just because S doesn't like them. pg 13: "“Master R will wait for you to return,” she said, her voice soft. “I’ll ask him to. It’s just a little delay.” --this is good. It sets up that S has a choice when coming back. pg 14: "I don’t need protection,” I said, calmly" --Nice. I like the stronger S. pg 17: good ending line.

Yay! We have consensus. I'm going with 12. And as @Robinski notes, of course her species lives longer, so that messes everything up, but I'm taking that out of consideration. "Equivalent to 12" because I don't actually mention her age.

I enjoyed this, but then I'm a sucker for time-travel... In general, I like the idea. Time travel in a period piece is interesting, as is the method for traveling. On the main character, she seems late teens/early twenties? New at a job, but without a lot of experience. There was a little infodumping here and there, but not bad. The main thing that pulled me out was wondering what gets priority for changes, and why children are highest on the list. I mean, yes, it's terrible if someone gets killed, but does the agency know what they're destined for? Would it be better to alter small matters to guide the overall improvement of history? It sounds like your setting up T's request to be the one that should have been granted rather than rescuing the child, and I'm curious as what she wanted. Definitely willing to read some more! Notes while reading: pg 3: "probably wouldn’t approve of her going back in time and giving the girl candy to appease her" --that seems like just about the least useful application for time travel ever. pg 5: "A dead child will always get priority, remember?" --this seems like it could have repercussions... pg 6: So I'm getting a Victorian vibe from this, even though there's apparently time travel. I'm wondering what sort of provisions are in place to determine what gets reversed? pg 7: K's backstory isn't really needed at this point. pg 9: the time travel method is pretty cool, though. pg 14: I can't help but think T's request is the higher priority one that interfered with the child.

Thanks @Robinski Yeah, I was wondering if someone would find climbing unbelievable. There's some more description in the new submission about how they're rigged up, so maybe that will help? I think I need some better description of the drill then. It's big enough to ride on, but not in. Thanks for the engineering check, as usual! I think I can edit this to make some more sense. Maybe they're using another canister just to keep the balloon stationary for now.

Hello folks, Here's part 3: This cuts off in the middle of a section, but I chose to cut there so the next submission wouldn't be overly long. Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. Now they get to start the real climb... Still mainly concerned with character voice and whether you think this will engage younger readers. Let me know anything that comes to mind!

@Truthweaver Great! Thanks for the explanation!

The kickstarter for my two recent novellas is up and almost 50% funded on the first day! Check out the new cover--I'm very pleased... https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/spacewizard/mystery-magic-and-adventure-two-dissolutionverse-n Please spread the link around, if you know someone who might be interested!

Putting my name in for next week again, unless someone wants to boot me out.

Thanks to @industrialistDragon and @Truthweaver for the clarification. 9 to 11 it is. Is this voice sounding the right age, or do I need to age her actions down some?

Thanks to @Truthweaver and @kais It will! I can do that. I want to make sure I don't overload and infodump, but also don't want to leave readers confused. Yeah, that might work... "Mind," I assume? This will come up again pretty soon. Yep, I think this section is probably one of the worst for being too passive. N finding the evidence will help. Hmm..seems like this isn't coming across right. She's female, but more 12-14 yo, enough to start wanting acknowledgement as an adult even though she's still young. I was trying to show that here but doesn't seem like it's working. She did react to the "little one" comment as well, but maybe that was too subtle...

I sent LBLs back separately. General thoughts: --The flow is better, and the tension keeps up for the whole chapter. This is a lot easier to read than separate chapters. --Q is not working for R's wife? Doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe just say he's curious about the case? --Are Q and M arrested or not? If they police can't hold them, then they don't have any leverage. Q and M both threaten to walk out, but it never happens. I want more clarity on this. --Moth trying to strip for the police officer is still awkward and weird. Like he says it's being recorded, so Moth can't really act on anything. --Where did the fire alarm come from? Either Q&M started it, which isn't shown, or they should be showing more surprise at what happens.

Great comments as usual, @Robinski! I read through the LBLs and there's a lot of good direction. I realized about halfway through that I was missing some wonder and sense impact in the first sections, so I'll beef that up. I really like the idea of the balloon actively falling with the weight of the beetle, if the canister isn't pumping out heat. That will up the tension nicely! Re: logistics of changing canisters in the balloon--that's just me not doing enough research ;-)

Yeah, really. I have a note on my phone to check the forum every two days, because otherwise I'll check all the time.

Overall, the way S and M meet back up is smoother than before. However now there's almost a disconnect between when M first meets S, and then when they're walking back to the pub. M at first seems like she hardly even remembers S. Then later, she starts talking about "us," and I found it a strange switch. What changed? I think you could also add a sentence or two to the beginning to show that S is going to the guildhall to get permission from Mother to train. Might be WRS but I was confused why S was not still at the palace or with Master R. pg1: last sentence of first paragraph is long and awkward. pg 2: I like this sequence better, that S goes to the guild and expects Mother to be there. pg 3: "They might have just moved" --this seems so unlikely that S wouldn't even consider it. pg 5: "You didn’t think to say hello, apparently, after bringing Master R back to the castle?” --Yeah, I thought this was odd too. pg 5: "since Mother had forbidden me seeing her again" --Was there a reason for this yet? Can't remember between different versions... pg 6: "closed for almost three weeks" --so then how did the fresh paint, roof tiles etc happnen? pg 7: "I was thinking of turning the hall into the new Q.G. office." --Aha. So I guess M and Mother have the same outlook on cleanliness... --Also, why is the office not in the palace? pg 9: "I dropped my head and my eyes moved back to the ground." S is so meek here and M is so competent that I have a hard time believing they would get back together, especially with M having to deal with the treaty and the kidnapping. S hasn't seen her in so long that I wouldn't expect much favoritism either. pg 10: Why is M operating in a pub, instead of in the palace? pg 11: "Explain why Master R won’t shut up about you" --ok, well this at least explains why M is even giving her the time of day. pg 12: "I missed you too. Mother-" --I read this first as S was calling M "mother" and I got confused. I think because it cuts off right after that word, and makes a complete sentence.

Part 1, 2nd half This is a little long, so apologies. If you want a slightly shorter read, you can skip over the stuff that was in the very first submission, but not the second, after I aged up the MC. If you want to do that, start at the break on pg 6. Last time, the group starts the expedition, gets the balloon packed and starts rising. The MC has some issues with her mother about being dragged along. Now, they will continue their ascent until they get to where the can deploy the beetle! Still mainly concerned with character voice and whether you think this will engage younger readers. If you find any plot holes, let me know. And of course anything else that occurs to you.

Ugh. I'll track this down. Yeah, I'm still unsure on this. It might disappear. Ha! yes, me too. I thought this fit better with the Victorian wasteful adventuring style... Thanks @kais! Glad this is reading better.