Haradion Drogon

Hmm... Thank you for the very helpful tips. There are clearly some issues with this chapter, and I shall work on it. Thanks for the critiques!

Again, All relevant information is in the E-Mail. Thank you all for the reviews and critiques. All advice is accepted and appreciated!

All relevant information in the E-Mail. Thanks again, for you critiques!

Would you mind if I submitted a couple of Chapters this week? Its a bit late, but I have been working on them, but not got around to sending them out yet. Also, I extended Chapter 1, and split it into One and Two, so I would be submitting Three and Four. Is that Okay?

Well, this is actually my first critique of another's work, so sorry if it is not very helpful. In all, a very good piece of Short fiction. I enjoyed it, as well as the priesthood you created. An enjoyable mix of Egyptian, Aztec and Others. I liked the fight sequence, and the randomised Sacrifices. I believe I read that it was set in the same world as one of your other novels you are working on - I have not got around to reading it yet, so this is from the point of view of someone who has not read any of your work. However, I would personally enjoy a closer look at the magic system in the story. Simply shooting blue flames, force fields and *draining magic* seemed to be the only power, without any indication as to why or how this happens. A suggestion would be to more closely associate these abilities with the priesthood. A "Prayer of Protection" could conjure a shield for example, but perhaps only so long as the chant is flawlessly recited in perfect pitch and rhythm, without stuttering? However, as you tell me this part of a world you already have in place, such a drastic overhaul of your magic system is possibly not such a great move. My only other suggestion would to increase the surprise of the final reveal. I had already suspected as much because of two things: The first is when Texcoyo considers he risks, he says something like "If she had indeed committed fraud the God's would forgive the crime". However, this sows doubt just be mentioning it, that she did not. Likewise, Texcoyo wonders what Ixlti's motives are. The obvious fact he has so much to gain made me suspicious from the start. Perhaps you could make the question of succession not a case of the eldest priest, but the most powerful? However upon killing her, he absorbs her magic, making him the most powerful priest - something he would not have been had the High priestess died of natural causes, thus making his motives more obscure. The only other question, is why he needs Texcoyo's help in the first place, where most of the fighting seems to be between the two magic users. In my opinion, if you write a second draft, Texcoyo must be able to do something, or have something, which gives Ixlti a stronger advantage over the High priestess she would not have, if he asked a common mercenary for help. However, in terms of the quality of writing, I have no complaints. It is an excellent piece, that is engaging and exciting. Again, I love the departure from traditional fantasy settings to a distinctly more original setting. Giving magic to the priesthood is slightly less original, but the gruesome dependence of human sacrifices keeps the magic unique, and rather grisly, much more fun than the common: Throw Fireball,

More critiques are always welcome! Thanks very much for the input. I think I will do as you suggest! Many thanks. Also, the next chapter should be finished soon. Its so hard to find the time to write with so much other stuff going on...

I agree with your points, especialy because I suspect that Nightblood could block a shardblade easily... For no other reason than that Nightblood is awesome, and there is no way Sanderson would make it weak to a shardblade...

I like the Idea of the Shards dividing into three sections... I highly doubt that if there is a creator God in the Cosmere, that Adonalsium is that God. We know that Hoid, and by extention Yolen, his planet, existed before the Shattering, and other planets were created afterwards. But the Power of Creation? Maybe its "left over" magical energy from after the creation of the universe? Leftover power from the big bang? Kind how when the Universe was created, Antimatter anialated matter, but there was some more matter left over with which to construct the Universe as we see it? I think there is a Greed Shard. Or Averice. and I think it likley that there will be a Shard which represents Interlectual Growth as well. Maybe the Shards are not "good/bad" as some have suggested, but "Positive and Negetive", like allomancy and hemalurgy?

Twin Telephathy: Ok, before you get excited - I can't actualy read my brothers thoughts. Any set who thinks they can is either lieing or deluded. What actualy happens is because we are so alike, we follow similar thought processes, at the same time, so we spontaneously come to the same conclusion, without any communication in between - e.g. after witnessing an event, we would both recite the same one-liner/appropriate quote in the situation, resulting in some very odd looks. Illusion: Alright - I actualy know some harder-than-average card tricks, some relativly unknown ones. Error-Genesis: I think rationaly. Well even. But my Spelling and grammer, when I type quickly (always) means that I come across as a fool. Immunity to non-verbal communications: Sometimes (my family would say often) I completley misread the situation. It happens. Non-Linear Thought Process: Don't bother trying to follow the way I think. I do not think in straight lines. A blessing and curse. I can reach point J from point A without reaching point F and passing through Point Y. In my head. O_o I am told that its a sign of genius or insanity... Dragonborn: I play Skyrim. That makes me Super.

Well It is generaly accepted that Hoid has yet another piece of Lerasium. Also, with Sazed in possestion of the Shard, and the knowledge that Atium was being produced in the Pits of Hathsin (haven't read it in a while so I am not susre on the spelling). Still, we know that Atium was being constantly produced over time. It doesn't seem that much of a strech to believe that Lerasium follows similar guidelines now Sazed has the Shard of Preservation. He could well be directing his power into generating more Lerasium.

Aye. And he was the first recorded. If Elend had not met Yomen, he would not have considered that a percentage of his army had snapped into Atium Mistings. Vin originaly suspects him of being a mistborn, because he burns Atium, but he does not burn pewter or steel when they fight, and it is discovered he is an atium Misting. Atium Mistings were thought not to exhist right up until HoA. Alright, the problem arises from the uniqueness of Atium. IF Demoux was a regular Misting, we would have no problem, but because Atium is a God metal, it is indeed plausible an Atium Misting has some Powers a ordinary misting does not have, but still be weaker than a Mistborn...

Okay - here is my thoery, be warned as it contains spoilers from across the cosmere. be warned, I have not spell checked all of this, and may contain some grammer or spelling errors. please don't flame me for it. Here is what we know: - The Only Shards on Scardial are Ruin and Preservation (Now in possession of Harmony) - Therfore the only magic systems are Feruchemy, Allomancy, and Hemulurgy - Atium Mistings were thought not to exhist. - The Only known God Metal Alloy is Malatium. - Malatium was only ever burned by full Mistborn in its appearence. We also Know: - All magic systems in Brandon's work have a method of entering Shadesmar. - In WoK, Demoux (an Atium Misting) is capable of world hopping. It suggests to me, that on Scardrial, the method of entering Shadesmar must either be Hemalugical based, feruchemicaly based, or allomatically based. I propose fior the purposes of this thought experiment, We assum it is Allomatically based, as the result, of entering a new place, is end positive - you can't store entering the cognitive realm, nor can you steal it. It follows that it is an allomatical power that allows the transition to Shadesmar. As a result, the Metal used must be either - The main effect of Lerasium, or the main effect of a Leresium Alloy, or atium Alloy - this is the only logical conclusion, since all allomancy requires a metal to use. If we now agree that The ability to travel to Shadesmar is bestowed by one of these unknow metals: - We know burning the Lerasium creates a mistborn, and a lerasium alloy creates a misting. But these are not their primary effects. In WoK, Demoux is searching for Hoid. Based upon "The letter" (we assume this is written by Hoid) it follows that Demoux is a member of the elusive 17th Shard. This means he has some method of worldhopping. If we assume that Demoux has not attained any other powers since then via Hemulurgy (no mention of piercings were made) then it follows that Demoux is capable of burning a God-Metal Alloy, in order to world hop. The logical conclusion therefore is the following: - Demoux can burn the Atium-Lerasium alloy. By the same school of thought, we assume that Demoux is not unique, and any misting is capable of burning his Metal's God Metal Alloys. This would put Demoux in a unique position. I suggest, that a Lurcher would be able to burn, Iron, Iron-Lerasium, and Iron-Atium. Demoux however, can burn the God metal, which suggests to me that He can burn: Atium-Lerasium, And all the Atium Alloys. A hint to this is that in an interview, Brandon refused to say wether or not Demoux can burn malatium. if he could, it would prove that either Demoux has gained new powers, or that this is the case. Now feel free to pick holes in this theory to your heat's content.

I would suggest, that all aspects of Shadesmar look like an inverted map of the world you enter it from, or perhapes based upon the goegraphy of the world the magic system used to access it from. Now we know that Aons are built around the geography, and the shape of the world. I hypothisis then, that Aons, are reversed, upon entering shadesmar, as it is inverted there. Thefore upon entering Shadesmar, the Aon that gets you there is inverted, resulting in it immediently ejecting you from the shadesmar, unless you can resist it, maybe by redrawing the Inverted Aon quickly. Without proper experience of the Aons, I imagine it would be difficult to avoid being "ejected".

I have stayed out of the Adonalsium theories, for the sole reason, that whilst I have read all of the cosmere novels (Aside from Emperor's Soul) I have not felt confident in any of my theories, nor have do I know all of the Q&As in which Brandon may have answered any of these. However, I have this suggestion. About the nature of Hoid and of Adonalsium. What if Adonalsium, was in essence, the first Shard, behaving like the others, with its intent being Creation, or something similar. We know there was life before the Shards came into being, and we know that Hoid was at the shattering (or at least close after it). What, if Hoid was the Shardbearer of Adonalsium? Or at least, its pre-Shattering equivilant. At the shattering, he lost all his powers to the form we see him now. He is, in essence, the original Shardbearer. Its my first theory I have shown here, so please let me know what you think.

Thanks for the feedback - I think I have something in mind which fits that actualy... Yes...

Does Ethen ask where to cut him? that may be a typo, but I am sure it's Lieneth who asks, and seeks confirmation. Bloodmagic is not inherently evil. It requires a sacrifice to use it. The magic systems in the story all have the same root, and I won't give that away just yet, but they are not "evil" as such. It is treated with suspicion by the others, because it is associated with Bloodlanders. It was used for terrible things, but only in the same way any science has been used for evil. At the same time, is relishing a power you have - evien if it's attainment is a little creepy - a sign of evilness? he has Power, he likes using it, but is that any different to have him wielding a sword and enjoying that? Again, things will make sense in later chapters. For now, let me just say, that events will transpire that force Ethen to end up working with the Duchies for a time. No person is truly Evil. Xerress is bitter at being forced to live in a wasteland. So is Ethen. As a race of people, they blame the Duchies for their misery. There is another set of protagonists that haven't made an appearance yet though, and they are from the duchies. As you can probably guess, a large theme for the story is that nothing is black and white. War is imminent between the races and the witches are instigating it. But that does not make the ordinary person evil. For an analogy - in WWII, not every single German was a monster. Some were. Particualy the leaders. but there were good and wicked men on both sides in that conflict. Thank you for the advice. Please don't think that I am not valuing it because I am arguing it, but I want you to understand why I have written in such a way. I will make it abundantly clear who is the good guys later on. It becomes... polarized to to speak, with people taking sides. For now, consider everyone neutral. Thanks for the critique!

You'll see. None of the witches are pleasant. The older ones are what was left of Mardrade's army, whilst the others the offspring of the survivors. Decades of exile from their homes have embittered them further, and they were all wrathful and power hungry to begin with. You are right there are inter-politics - those are not the focus of the story, they serve to.create the events that affect the story. Things will make more sense once the see where the story is heading. P.s sorry for the spelling and grammar is bad here, I am doing this on my phone.

Thanks for the review. Without apoiling the story, Ethen is the main protagonist, whilst his siblings mantain a more neutral role, and Xerress becomes the main villian - though most the high witches are unpleasent. The next chapter will introduce the othe VPC and the other faction. Events are in motion. Without giving too much away, as the story progresses Ethen's perception and the readera. And believe me. There will be pleany of conflict as the syory progresses. Thanka for the critique.

Thanks, It should be sent round now.

Review Topic for Chapter One of the Bloodlands. Here we are introducing Ethen, the Main VPC and Xerress, and also introduceing the Primary antagonist as well. Please tell me what you think.

I have a chapter to release today if If I may.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll bear it in mind for editing later like you said Thank you, all of you, for your help!

Thanks for the review and tips. Kirrin is not intended to be used as a viewpoint character later, though I may have him pop up at some point. The rest of the story continues 65 years after this battle, with the bloodlands discovering a way to extend the reach of the Spire, and continue their battle. the rest of the world pays little attention, because newly the country is a nation of thieves, murderers, traitors and other exiles. This turns out to be a mistake as they turn out to be far more advanced then anyone gave them credit for, and have increased their magical knowledge dramatically. The reason why its called witchcraft, is up until the war, people believed in magic about as much as they do now, in our world I mean. No one took it seriously, apart from a few quacks. Until Mardrade vaporized the Kings advisor that is. Mardrade and Kaliban are long dead, the main view point characters will be Xerress, the bastard daughter of Mardrade, her three offspring, Lieneth, Valaessa, and Ethen, whilst other main characters are Kestyle, Kaliban's Son, who is now King, and his two offspring, Rashiki and Sarriah. Kirrin may pop up as a veteran later on, but he would be getting on a bit now. NaNoWriMo sounds great - and scary. I don't think I will have the time atop of everything else I am doing, to seriously dedicate the time required to do this, which is a shame cause I think I would enjoy it immensely.

Thanks! Those are some good ideas, and I think I might use them. I have already changed the opening to something a little more hooking, and havee deleted references to the cosmos. I am writeing Chapter 1 at the moment. Thanks for the review, I am going to make some of these modifications right away!

Thanks everyone for the reviews! I think they will help alot! I have been working on the next chapter, and can hopefully send it round this monday. So thank you all!