Archer

"First stop is to grab the girl, then," Tion concluded. And to see how much you've twisted her mind during your journey. "PRAISE BE!" Interjected one of the guards. He was reading loudly from his book. "For their godly forms are all around us! Praise be that their holy might does shine within us! And lo, though weary eyes do be deceived, praise be in the Eternity of the Mysterious!" Tion frowned at him. "Quiet, we're having a divine conversation." The second guard elbowed his companion. "I think you're using that wrong." With his free hand, he snatched the tome away, then used it to smack Tion across the face. "Oww!" "Sorry bud, reading's never been my strong suit." "You got me right in the nose!" The god blinked away tears as he shuffled backwards so his foot touched Sam's. "All searing! Infinity, kindly get us out of this place. Now. Ow. Before any more of these brutes have the chance to harass us."

So that’s what pastr- guns are called, Tion thought as he blinked really fast. In front of him, one of the guards very hesitantly reached their arm forward to poke at Sam. Before he could connect, his companion placed their hand on his arm. He had procured a small religious text from his pocket and was thumbing through it like it was a handbook for deity interactions. “Just hold off a sec, I think there’s something in the appendix for this.” Emboldened, Tion stepped fully into the room. “How did you get here, Infinity? We need to go to the epicenter of that earthquake, and quickly. Perhaps we use your cart and pool our resources, travelling together in a sort of cartpool?” Recognizing the tome as the ever-popular contemporary prayer-book Praising the Pantheon, he whispered in the humans' direction. "Try chapter five, the one on Entropy. I ghostwrote it as a joke. There's some funny acrostics in there, it's long story."

Upon hearing a distinctive lack of murder, Tion poked his head back into the room. Out of habit, he started talking, forgetting the danger of the situation momentarily. "So what, that's you two's version of a secret handshake then?" He stood, but kept most of his body in the hallway, behind the partial cover of the door frame. "Ever tried it on the wrong person by mistake? 'Hello, Gati- Bang! Woops, sorry about that. Thought you were a god!'" He now saw in Samantha's hand the gun, which seemed familiar, but the specifics still eluded him. It's a projectile weapon. Used in the Nomad Wars maybe? Though we haven't fought there in a while. And what was that thing called? A pun? A pastel? A... no, that's not it. But there's a connection there, perhaps they've a similar name. Tion decided to trust his gut on this one. "Steady on, Infinity. Glad to see your powers have not been as..." He paused, noticing the guards, who looked poised to strike. "Glad to see that you're in good health. Now, let's not make this situation any more tense than it needs to be. We have a common goal, well, destination. Just lower your pastry and we can talk about this." As soon as he said it, the term sounded right. At least my memories are still intact, he mused.

Tion flinched as a loud bang sounded, mere meters from his ears. Instinctively, he tapped his Power to stop them from ringing, but it had no effect. Arms pressed protectively against his head to protect himself from whatever falling debris he assumed had smashed to the ground, he dove for cover. It was then that he saw Sam. She was facing Gati, but the god recognized her stance; her hips had always had an enviable amount of swagger in them. Her body blocked his view of the God of Negation. Something’s off about this. Sam’s sudden appearance and the distinct way the noise that had been emitted sounded triggered an instinct in Tion, based on a memory he couldn’t quite recall. He needed to run, to hide, to- find some decent pastries? While his synapses scrambled to make connections that would make sense of the situation, Tion dove out of the room’s open door and pressed himself against the hallway wall, hoping he would go unnoticed there. Meanwhile, the two guards who had been standing to attention in the room, brainwashed up until that point by Tion’s magic, suddenly found themselves returning to lucidity. They fumbled for a moment, eyes agape, taking the scene in. Then, almost in unison, they both drew their swords and pointed them at Sam.

The pain was mostly mental. The piñata's Command was to 'explode when hit hard'. It had spent a lot of lonely nights thinking about what constituted a hard enough hit. Is the gentle kiss of the morning breeze strong enough to count? it wondered. No. That is more of a tickle than a hit. Perhaps the touch of these children, when they poke at me with bats. Nah, it decided. Children are too weak to hit me hard. Maybe the forceful strike of a sword? But what if it is accidental? I may explode too soon and ruin everything. Best to wait for a really hard hit. Like that of a meteor or nuclear armament. Then I will know for sure that the blow is meant to trigger me! Despite being made of just cardboard and coloured paper, the piñata stubbornly refused to be damaged by anything less than a cataclysmic explosion. Many had tried to smash it, but none had succeeded. It wasn't very fun at parties.

“Most of us have killed someone,” Gati said uncertainly. “I know,” Tion replied solemnly. And I despise you for it. “Why...what just happened?” The God of Sensation held one hand in the other, massaging his fingers. It pushed up his sleeve a bit, revealing a scattering of pale white lines along his wrists. “I trust that someone as clever as you will be able to deconstruct the serious of… unfortunate circumstances that have led to this situation better than I. However, I can say that for the immediate future, the danger has passed. My other half has left us, for now.” “Excuse me.” Tion grabbed his thigh and squeezed it, his knuckles whitening briefly. His entire body clenched for a moment, but he soon shook his head and carried on as if nothing had happened. “It all started some hours, no, days? Days ago. Forgive me, my sense of time is muddled. My dark side clawed its way into my mind. I expect we fought, and it won, somehow. He forced me to dream. I remember, snippets of sensation reached my consciousness. Whispered thoughts, raw impulses and the like. But for the most part, I fear that I was trapped, my soul locked away within my flesh while another aspect took control. That man who spoke to you, the one with the flaming sword, he is me. At least, a part of me. One that has stolen some of my Power and agency and separated from my body.” “I practice restraint. Moderation. Control.” His leg was shaking again, but he gritted his jaw and willed it back in line. “He will not. I have always been dangerous, but his newfound liberty will make him monstrous. He represents my most inhumane urges, all the thoughts of what I might do if there were no consequences for my actions, accumulated and compounded since the beginning of time. He carries with him my years of experience and magical skill, but lacks any moral boundaries. Dark Tion is an unkillable, ravenous beast whose sights are set on the vulnerable world of man.” The deity’s shoulder slumped with weariness. “We all knew the Augury was bad. I regret to inform you that, given this turn of events, its curse appears to be apocalyptic.”

I pronounce Allish like the surname of Billie Eilish, which is to say, likely incorrectly.

You must fight the rise to power, One Who Sees Spirits. How? He’s stronger than me, you know that. And he has allies now. Friends collude. Question them all. Obviously. But even the disloyal can be tools of destruction. See- You’re even more useless than last time. I don’t know why I bother. Just tell me what to do. Please. SEE. Storms break and monsters wake. Wait, is that noise you? Our heartbeat? Oh, Tho- The God of Sensation felt like he was swimming in honey. His movements seemed sluggish. He could hear voices in the distance, but they were muffled and distorted. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was shades of golden light, shining in his eyes. In his dream-like state, he had long since lost all sense of time. He felt it in his fingertips first: a rhythmic pulsing, like someone was splashing in the same waters as he, sending ripples through the pool. As he attuned to it, the slow beat coursed up his arms and into his chest. Unconsciously, he began to breath in time with it. He would have thought about the sensation, but it was hard to string ideas together. And he was exhausted. The rhythm intensified, and so too did the god’s breaths. It quickened, faster and faster, unrelenting as he hyperventilated. His body shook. Panic overtook him. “GaaaAAAH!” he screamed. Pain flared in his knees. He hands felt cold. And the air was stale and acrid. The god opened his eyes to blink away tears. When he did, he realized that the honey was gone. He was somewhere unfamiliar, a hallway lined by industrial stone walls. Figures stood in front of him, some of whom he recognized, particularly Gati. Everything hurt, and some supernatural force was pulling at the pits of his stomach, like a relentless hunger. Tiska, came a thought, unprovoked, but once he acknowledged it, it was an earworm, commanding him to go. ***** Dark Tion watched with curiosity when Gati suddenly fell to his knees, overcome by a mysterious power. Two seconds later, he too felt the urge to spasm, but he fought it down, maintaining as calm demeanor as his half-soul received the signal. “Fascinating,” he said. “But you mistake…” He trailed off as outside of the room, Tion’s invisibility dropped and the god collapsed to the ground, in full view. Dark Tion looked sharply at the others to confirm that they could see him too, then sighed. “Well, it had to come out eventually. Alas, that means it’s my cue to leave. Tiska, you say? I hear that’s nice this time of year.” He boldly unsheathed his sword. Five-foot flames erupted from it, blindingly intense. This time, they let off an palatable heat too, and whipped up strong winds, although strangely, the papers on Price’s clipboard continued to lie still, unaffected. “ONE LAST THING!” he shouted over the gale. He raised an open hand in Tion’s direction. It trembled with obvious effort, then closed into a fist. From his place on the floor, Tion’s spine arched sharply. He let out a gasp. “THANKS!” Dark Tion called with a smile. “I OWE ME ONE.” The illusion swung his sword down, creating a swathe of flames that obscured him from view. As it fell, the fire flared, then faded away, revealing only empty air where the man had just stood. Tion winced as he began getting to his feet. His head turned gradually, from where Dark Tion had been, towards the wall, then further to the left, tracking something unseen, but after a moment he scowled and stopped. Instead, he turned his focus to the others present. His words were strained and slightly slurred. “Negation. I fear that I have killed someone.” The god’s eyes grew distant as he spoke with prophetic certainty. “But it is nothing compared to what that monster is planning.” ***** Lantern light splashed along the stone walls of the stairwell as the heavy boots of three of the compound’s guards clambered down to the lowest level of their dungeon. “Hurry up, Theod!” “I’m trying- hey, you! Stop!” As the men barreled around the final turn, their lights converged on a spindly man dressed in rags. He screeched when he saw them, scrambling backwards and shielding his eyes. That made him bump into the pitch-black metal door behind him, which was hanging from one hinge, forced wide open from the inside. It rang with a low gong-ong-ong that echoed throughout the vast chamber of darkness beyond it. The lead soldier drew his mace, but before he could approach, the air next to the madman shimmered. A thin flicker of blue electricity crackled through the air, splitting open a rift that suddenly popped- marking the entrance of a woman with the Reality instinct, dressed in flowing violet robes. If she was surprised to have company, she did not show it. Her dark lips merely pushed her porcelain-white skin back to form a toothless smile as she set about her business. “Be still, warrior,” she hummed softly, placing a hand on the prisoner’s shoulder. He flinched at her touch but complied. The first guard raised his weapon threateningly. “Don’t even think about it,” he cried, jumping towards them. The woman hissed. Her free hand struck out from her robes, revealing a row of pointed, two-inch fingernails that clawed at his eyes. However, before either of them could connect with one another, her form shimmered once more, then disappeared, along with her new companion. The guard fell right through the spot where she had been, and onto his knees in the doorway. His two friends rushed up behind him. “Are you alright?” “No, I’m not! We need to find him. And her!” The third soldier had raised his lantern to peer into the depths of the pit beyond. He coughed to get their attention. “It’s not just them.” His light swung along the floor of the abyss, some thirty feet below. Where once had been a mass of writhing bodies lay just old bones and rocks. Near the doorway, a great pile of them had been made, creating a ramp that led to their position. “Lieutenant, I don’t know how, sir, but… the pit is empty.”

"To embrace my destiny," Tion declared. "And possibly find some lunch. Are you hungry? I'm ravenous. I've been having hunger pangs ever since-" He glared suspiciously at Price. "Never mind that. It would be prudent to stop advertising my, our, intentions so brazenly. Count yourself lucky that humans are short-lived creatures, with even shorter memories." The god nodded his head towards the door, obviously eager to get going.

“I have seen a soldier crawl three miles with a broken leg, just to throw himself back into a skirmish so he stab his foe one last time before he was cut down for good.” As he spoke, the God of Sensation seemed to shrink a little shorter. Maybe he was just slouching, maybe it was his confidence waning. “In that same war, I witnessed the execution of an entire battalion for their refusal to fight. Well-trained and well-equipped men decided they’d rather face the wrath of their own officers than risk meeting… well, let’s just say I’m very good at spreading rumours.” “When one’s will is strong, the flesh can often be persuaded to go along with it. And when, by proxy, it’s my will calling the shots-” He blinked, noticing the remnants of the tear on Sagitta’s face for the first time. “Huh. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He walked into the room and reached out his hand to grab Negation. “You must come with me. Apparently, these humans here have nothing to offer us after all. My apologies for misjudging you all. Fortunately, I have willing replacements nearby.”

Tion was used to insults. Over the years, the god had developed a thick skin, verbal barbs barely registered any more. But in past, the people who had attacked him had targeted the part he was playing, whatever disposable persona he’d adopted for the day. These humans knew his true identity. And they were unimpressed. He was thankful when Price gave him an excuse to avert his eyes from Sagitta’s unrelenting gaze. The scribe seemed easier to intimidate. “I don’t just control your feelings, I can read them. That’s what sets me apart from my protégées. I can tell what scares you, I can see when you’re in love, and I can sense when you’re lying. I may bluff sometimes, but when I do, I am very, very good at it. My magic is precise. In comparison, all of you are fools, stumbling around in the dark.” “But I’ll let you in on a little secret.” He punched at the wall beside him and his hand passed right through it, disappearing up to his elbow. “I don’t think I’m real right now. But just because I’m an illusion, doesn’t mean I’m harmless.” Tion looked a little surprised at what he had just done, as if only just appreciating the full implications of his present state. He looked at the wall and raised an eyebrow. Then he looked at the empty air in the hallway a few feet to the side of his arm. A look of realization washed over his face, then a childish glee. “Illusions only hurt if you believe in them. But I can make you believe in mine. When we touch, your fingers will think they’re feeling flesh. When I punch you, you will feel pain. And if I decide to break your neck, your throat will actually constrict because that’s how your body reacts when you think you’ve taken damage, whether its ‘real’ or not. I control your senses, and that means I control your world." He pulled his arm back out and cracked his knuckles confidently. "And I control you."

“I'm disappointed that you feel that way,” Tion said, a hard edge creeping into his voice. “You’re starting to learn, soldier, that I am only as real as you make me now.” “And yet, you still cling to fabrications. As mighty as you make me sound, I am only one god, and my agency’s restricted by this humanoid form. Do you really believe that I have a hand in every quarrel on Hopearaa? That every argument is the result of my influence?” He clenched his fist around his own sword’s hilt, and roughly yanked it out of its sheath enough to expose six inches of its dark metal blade. “You do this to yourselves. Every time you square off against an ‘enemy’, you have the choice to call a ceasefire and and talk it out. It’s your free will to fight these wars.” The blade began to glow with a faint orange light. “You’ve been complicit, you’ve killed before. I can see it in your aura! You have the heart of a hardened fighter. Don’t try to blame your past on me, child.” The glow turned to sparks, tiny flames that danced along its surface. “Come with me. I can help you relive those moments of violence, recreate them, if you need proof. But you already know I’m right.” His eyes seemed to darken, better reflecting the flickering firelight. “There is an army rising below us, oppressed souls like yourself who think they’re victims of circumstance. Once they escape their dungeon, they will do what humans do: break stuff. Would you like us all to stand down, let them run amok? They’ll like that. In their rage, they’ll destroy everything in their path. When tribes don’t stand their ground, those with the worst impulses are empowered. Its natural selection! When the crazies attack the social order, attack you, you humans can either defend against them and destroy each other or sit back and let your world fall into to chaos.” “If you have a problem with that, don’t complain to me. It’s not my government preparing for war here. What do you think Price is testing us for? Do you think he has a noble goal in mind when he ponders how to weaponize our powers? Maybe I should kill him for you. Start stopping the bloodshed here and now by crippling the Empire’s military research division, or whatever his job title is.” Tion’s knuckles whitened, but instead of attacking, he shoved his sword back into its sheath, extinguishing its flames. “But that’s more your specialty, Sagitta, isn’t it? Put that battlefield experience to good use, if you really feel so strongly about it. None of us here will stand in your way.”

“Tricky business leveling cities,” Tion mumbled. His words became incomprehensible for a moment, then normalized midsentence. “-and then they’ve seen, see? All the little humans know the secret. The ones that survive run out and try it for themselves. City after city falls, until…” His head snapped up, and his voice buoyed with sudden exuberance. “And what’s the fun of godhood if there’s no one left to rule, eh?” The diety grinned toothily, his white molars gleaming. Very intentionally, he raised his hands, leaving them in the air above his shoulders, which shrugged, as if to say I’m harmless. For now. “You raise some good points, sentinel!” he continued. “I could easily escape this room.” He winked cheekily at Sagitta. In a flash, he disappeared, then reappeared behind her and Price in the hallway. “Over here now, please keep up! Full credit to Thomas for that idea.” The god skipped forward to lean in between the two of them and stage-whisper conspiratorially. “But that’s just a parlour trick. You’re right that’d I’d like something from you.” “All of you, in fact! I can escape at any time, but when I do, I don’t intend to leave alone.” His excitement was palpable. “I have friends now! Friends being a word for people who you find easy to manipulate. And I’d like everyone here to join our movement! Simply submit to me and we can march into the light together.”

"On the contrary, all is finally as I knew it would be," Tion was saying as Price noticed him. He nodded his head curtly. "And lo, the tester returns, and in his grasp, a most dangerous weapon." As he spoke, a faint thud sound from came from the hallway, like a man bumping into a wall. The god paid it no heed as he stepped away from the doorway, instinctively moving closer to Gati. His right hand slipped to his side, where his new sword was affixed to his belt. "All so careless," he muttered in a low voice, not seeming to be aware that anyone could hear him of they intended hard enough. "The guarded with the unguarded tongue, and the mortal who acts immortal. Never adapting, always adopting the habits of the rabbits that scurry, oh hurry little rodents, squish, squash, squish..." His stopped meeting anyone's gaze, zoning out as his looked distantly at the floor.

Posed in front of Gati, Tion examined the god with curiosity. They didn't seem especially vulnerable, but perhaps... "Dear Gati, the inconsequential is now all-consuming! My new eyes see this realm as it truly is: a glorious construction we build together. But the workers changed the plans, they whisper behind our backs in tiny voices, so hushed. I've been to the shadows, I've heard them with all my ears." Will he be the first to go? he wondered. The god narrowed his eyes at Zura. She seems handy with a knife. Perhaps she will do it. "We have to stop their scheming, don't you see? Tear down the halls they build, with them inside, oh yes! All the little ones go squish squish. Especially the testers." He wagged his finger in the direction of the doorway. "No usurping for you!"

"AHHHHHHH!" screamed the anvil in response.

“Oh, well done, Gati! How very human of you.” By the back of the door, in the corner of the room, where previously had been just shadows, the visage of Tion suddenly appeared, sarcastically clapping his hands. A large scabbard hung from his belt. Strangely, the guard did not seem to notice him. “I’m sure because they share an ethnicity that this child knows all about the way this deadling wanted to be treated after death. If they look the same, they think the same, isn’t that how the humans view it? You’ve adopted their customs so well!” He took a step forward, voice rising, oblivious to any shock they had at his unexpected interruption. “Why would you presume from his appearance? There are times when imitating their societal norms is useful, but this? That was just sloppy. You have to see but not assume, like hearing but not listening. Otherwise, you’re just like them.” He seemed almost ready to punch the other deity, but he unexpectedly calmed, and slowly turned his neck to look at Zura, staring at her unblinkingly. “You’re a bad influence on Negation. You want to take his throne. The Forgotten God makes you test and test and test us all to find the weakest. But we’re all weak now. The gods will fall and humans take their place, and there’s no restarting this time. My powers corrupt, yet are disguised. But what I can’t decide is…” Without breaking his gaze, Tion waved his left hand by his side. To those watching it, the body on the floor appeared to twitch, then sharply inhale. The god wiggled his fingers like a man working a marionette, and the corpse responded by spasming, flailing its limbs jerkily. Its eyes were wide open, spinning frantically, but its gaping mouth made no sound. He kept the illusion going for a moment, then abruptly stopped and cocked his head. “Who did I betray?”

He managed to split and run, but the others were in a bunch of trouble.

Meanwhile, deep below the military compound, in the pit that served as its lowermost dungeon, Tion surveyed his followers. They were broken men, he accepted that, but what they lacked in skill they easily made up with vigor. Like moths rushing toward a flame, the mob scrambled to reach him as he levitated in place in front of the room’s only exit, guiding them towards their target. “Chip away more rocks, that’s it! Smash ‘em, stack ‘em, then repeat!” Twenty feet below him, more blasts of dark energy sizzled about, knocking stones free of the wall as prisoners magically knocked stones from the wall. Others descended upon the rubble, grabbing it with eager hands and dragging it to place at Tion’s feet. In the light of his fiery sword, a pile could be seen growing, angling up towards his position. Tion continued calling encouragement to them. “Oh, you poor caged beasts, forced to pace in darkness for so long. Rejoice, humans, for my light will guide you home.” They are slow, but persistent. He smiled. Now that they are properly focused, it is only a matter of time. “I go now to prepare a way for you, my pets.” He wiggled his fingers, tugging on the strands of the most dedicated prisoners’ auras, boosting their resolve to see the job done. They obliged him by quickening their pace, throwing rock after rock onto the ramp. “When you are ready, come and find me. I will be waiting!” Marching orders given, the God of Sensation smoothly sheathed his sword as he turned his back on his followers, then phased through the door, floating out of sight.

It's funny because they're four-hour episodes... (I recommend that you start with the non-canonical one-shots. The funny ones, none of this hardcore Undeadwood stuff. I'm partial to Crash Pandas, but they're all good. You won't get a taste of Matt's DM style, but you also won't need any background knowledge to figure out what's going on. )

+1 on Liam being awesome. And Marisha. And Travis. And Laura. And Talisman Giraffe. And everyone else, they're all amazing. I made the switch from 3e to 5th by watching these guys; I picked up the rules and how to play the classes by watching them play, and learned what proper RPing is like from their example. It's made the game so much more fun. ^ This! Yessss. 24 episodes of animated brilliance. And speaking of things to look forward to, how about that return of Ashley 'Technically Vice President of DnDBeyond's Party Planning Department' Johnson? I am stoked.

Meanwhile, Three Levels Below the Compound. Tion stood in total darkness, watching the souls of broken men dance wildly around him. To his eyes, they were lit up like jack-o’-lanterns, as if someone had placed a flickering candle in a translucent human shell. Something, he thought it was an arm but it lacked distinction, grabbed at his face and channeled a blast of dark energy at him. He let it pass through, hitting the figure behind him who was wailing into a flute made of bone. Above Tion, the air shimmered, then a pair of likewise glowing prisoners dropped down on him, pinning him to the ground, which was littered with sharp debris and loose, cold rocks. The pack of assailants closed in, clawing at his body, but their scratches failed to break his skin. One smashed a stone into Tion’s shoulder, then, seeing that it had no effect, growled and waved his hand to make it float back into the air then crash into his arm a second time. Others simply stomped and punched and screamed to try and break him down. “Enough,” the god barked. “Enough!” He inhaled slowly through his nose. As he did, it seemed to suck the energy out of the room. Around him, prisoners stopped rioting and started poking at their ears in confusion. Tion exhaled, and their shock turned to pain. They twitched frantically, grinding their hands into the sides of their heads and moaning. Tion, now on his feet, had to shout to be heard over the sound of their gnashing teeth. “My dear friends, you have been cursed to dwell in this forsaken realm! It has driven you mad, quite mad. But rejoice! For today is the day your lives gain a new clarity: me.” The god’s skin began to glow, his body emitting a soft, violet light, just a few shades lighter than the shadows. The madmen gaped in disbelief as Tion then started floating, ascending ten feet into the air to hover, looking down upon them all. “Fear me, my subjects, for I have powers beyond your comprehension. But fear not! For I shall use them to lead us all to freedom.” He held out his hands and a flaming sword appeared in his grasp, illuminating the upturned faces of his feral army. “There we shall wage a glorious war on those that dwell in the light, and seek retribution for the centuries of suffering they put us through by locking us away.”