kais

Overall This gets stronger every time I read it. I was so engrossed in the narrative this time around that I didn't even have any comments until page three. This chapter needs some thread of tension, whether it's Atena's PTSD or some plot element. Right now it is great world building and character building, but the plot appears to be absent. I'd also like to see more of her PTSD early on, at least in snippets. Nice work! As I go - page three: why is she walking when she can fly? If I could fly I would for sure use that mode of transport over walking down allies with strung outs and drunks - page three: this nightspawn and Cronus thing is still confusing to me as to their relationship with Atena. Are we supposed to know that yet? - page four: as she passes her own statue this is a prime opportunity to give us a description of Atena - the mansions described on page five bring to mind the victor villages from Hunger Games - page six: the PTSD comes on without any foreshadowing. It'd be great to have little hints of it scattered throughout the narrative. You'd build clear tension to the end here and give us more empathy for Atena - page six: her PTSD flashback is pretty vague. It'd have more impact if it was one or two specific scenes with detail

Jumping in for the 19th, if space allows.

Overall It was nice to read this again. I thought it flowed much more smoothly and had clearer hinting. Still a few bumps, noted below. I didn't notice tense changes but I often don't, so hopefully others will find any that exist. My only other comment is that this does not pass the Bechdel Test, and you have plenty of characters to work with, so you might consider swapping genders on a few orderlies and working in a quip unrelated to the MC. Other than that, nice work! As I go (my numbering is based on reformatting, so the page numbers might not line up with yours) - second sentence in is too adjective heavy - page one, second paragraph: redundancy with 'calendar' - page 2: 'runn' should be 'run - page five: ah, the layout is coming through well this time around. Very nice! - page ten: the hypnosis thing hits kind of sudden. It jars me from the narrative and seems out of place for what I know of Matthew's character

I'm still hoping the rewrites will involve more orgy. I think it's well established how I feel about orgies. Overall Hm. While I generally like the activeness of Lasilia in this chapter and the pacing is good overall, I feel like the air of mysticism and seduction is no longer present. I'd have liked the importance of Lasilia's magic to be more drawn out, or for her to react more to it. Something to give it more impact than it does. Overall however, I think this is a large improvement! As I go - The 'her mother was religious' as it's own line doesn't make much sense to me. I keep puzzling over it. - page three and she's only just being escorted in. Page two felt like a lot of filler and it was hard to keep from skimming. It was more of 'Lasilia isn't doing anything' feel from before. The first page was fine. - page four: the scene just before where she nearly passes out at the alter... I wanted this to be more, I don't know, surreal maybe? I didn't get a strong feeling of murkiness or confusion when reading. My understanding of what happened comes more from Lasilia's own thoughts than the actions around her. - page four: yes, blush, Lasilia. Launch a thousand slash fanfics! - page five: I wonder if our testing might perhaps mistake that affinity for a vague connection to earth magic. Sweet.

Thank you @Vreeah! I switched e-mails and my old one always sent a copy back. Guess the new one doesn't.

Could someone tell me if my e-mail to the list serve went through with my attachment? I haven't seen it pop up in my inbox yet, and normally it's instantaneous.

10,000 words into book three! I think I'm getting faster! Not better, mind, just faster.

Absolutely. And when this goes to print I will be happy to leave stunning reviews all over Goodreads and Amazon! Maybe not about scrotums...although noting my sense of humor, it will probably be about scrotums. It's a good word. Probably not. I do want to chime in here on Moth. I love the character because she is so multi-facuceted and real. She isn't a caricature of adolescence as portrayed by popular media, she is, in as much as she can be, a real person. She has traits consistent with what we know of her upbringing, is complex, and, like many youths in this age range, both endearing, cold / calculating, and frustrating all at the same time. I have a pretty short fuse when it comes to females in this age group in particular, because so many writers, both male and female, want to boil these young women down into either likable or 'mean girl' stereotypes. It's a super complex age and girls are very dynamic during it, and I see that in Moth. She is probably your most consistently written character, @Robinski, which makes me guess that you have a daughter/neice/female relative/associate in or around this age group that you are drawing from. I think Moth is exquisitely portrayed currently, and look forward to reading more of her exploits.

Ah good. Excited to see how this turned out! Overall I think it is coming along nicely! You've skewed heavy to battle in chapter one, which is fine, but now you need to put a bit of character building back in so we are invested in what the characters are doing. Other than that I think it's a great start. I love the concept. I don't have fridge warnings yet, as I'm not clear at all what is happening with the sister, but just remember that it's not that we don't want to see females injured or killed, it just becomes a problem when the character exists solely to move a male character forward. So if this is a greater plot point that helps Sofia, excellent. If it's to showcase magic or plot elements, you can probably squeak by. If Ellis is going to use his sister's damage to fuel him into some berserker rage that helps him defeat this giant snake thing that has stopped two women, then you'll be hearing from me. As I go - Opening line - was actually hoping for that exact sentence I flagged in your earlier draft. That was a dynamic sentence. This one is ho-hum. Maybe try something like: The bells chimed, the shutters opened, and in complete synchronization, two hundred and fifty children awoke. Their dreams tumbled from their heads, bled across crumbled sheets and tossed clothes, and crashed through the windows to the sentry guards outside. - page one: you could introduce Ellis with a lot more flare if you wanted. Ellis, his first day on the job and wide eyed with terror/wonder/anticipation... - page two: you could add a quick aside here after the A black thorn paragraph to introduce Sofia. Something like Her movements were more fluid than his, likely from the two years she had on him in training. She'd always been better at vaulting anyway, Ellis mused. He'd made fun of her for it in childhood. Now, however... - page three: I think we need more foreshadowing that Boss Dream is coming. When the people 'kill' a dream, it'd be nice to note wisps of fog or something circling near one area. You can do long battle scenes like this if you are clearly building to something larger. Otherwise, they just seem random. - page four, final paragraph, is another chance to add in bits of character development - page four: the boss takedown was unfortunately quick. Would like to see more build up to it then some neat take down stuff that involves character building. I want to get invested! Also, I do first page crits sometimes for Twitter contests, and what I've always been taught and what I tell people is that in that first page preferably, but at least the first chapter we need clearly defined stakes and motivation. This usually includes (but not necessarily) protag introductions, although certainly there are ways around this. In your chapter one we do get some tension and some stakes, but the reader has no real idea of why Ellis fights. It doesn't have to be some long exposition. A few snippets tagged in here and there would be enough. - page five: 'gross foods' should really be explained better. Use more words! - page eight: and we have our romance arc established it would seem. Bad puns included! - page nine: you're in danger of overwhelming me with names. Rima works, Cornias I might remember. You do another and it will go right out of my head,

Sent!

Overall Well, I am for sure engaged with the story now. The early issues still persist, but Sira's journey is continuing to delight. There are a number of instances of moving from Sira's POV to more author voice, and telling instead of showing, but that can all get fixed in edits. Right now, I'm enjoying it! Comments below. As I go - Love the first paragraph! - page four: how old is Sira again? Is she old enough for sweaty pits? Fourteen, yes? That's old enough, but if you moved her age to like 11 or something, probably not - page four: would love a little bit more mischief or misleading or foreshadowing with the grandpa. I was hoping he might be a part of all this and would help increase the magic tension. The section fell a bit flat without it. - page seven: vines and branches? Is she in a rainforest with liana? Forestry nerd alert! - page seven: this irrational fear still seems out of place - Her firing was merely the product of nervous energy. - show, don't tell - page 8: I like the idea behind this page, but the execution could be smoothed a little. I didn't feel any real fear of the pursuer, just Sira's irrationalness. I'd love for more tension, and then a better explanation of the triangulator before she ends up above the canopy. - page nine: wait, what? She's thousands of feet above ground? What is she latched to? - page ten: I did enjoy the section with the triagulator. Very cool! - page 11: the writing gets a little shaky here, I think likely because you were excited to write this section. There are some tense changes and some areas where we lose Sira's POV to the author's POV. Also some 'tell' moments instead of 'show'. - page 10: I have a cloud suit. damnation right you have a cloud suit! - page 12: chapter nine seems...abrupt. I'm not sure what to think of it.

I have read your previous submissions, so I have an idea what you are going for, I just had problems with the execution. The way it is presented is so harsh, so without context, that it turns what could be a great window into the world into something off-putting. I certainly don't think you need to cut it or anything of the sort, but easing into the scene, being more selective of words and reactions, could get the effect you want. I think what was also difficult for me is that we as readers don't currently have the 'identifiable' character. Scenes like this can work well if you have one character who tends to be more in line with reader sensibilities. Without said character, the scene feels disturbingly alien. With that character, you can gain empathy for the situation and other characters. So I think maybe just some reworking of the scene and it should be alright. If you would like I could take Track Changes to your submission and show you what I'm talking about in terms of easing in and character reactions. But only if you're interested. It's your piece, and in the end you should write it the way you want to.

Overall - I was unable to make it past page six. My reasonings are below. I'd be interested in rereading this piece if some work was done on the layout of the domestic violence, infanticide, and gender ratios. I understand that you are trying to showcase how horrible magic use is by butting it up against what many of us consider to be the most horrible of crimes. How this was executed, however, minimized the actual acts, especially the beating, moreso than it brought the understanding of magic use to the front. It felt exploitive, to me, and I had to stop reading. It is an interesting premise, and I would be interested in reading more if the above issues were resolved. As I go - page one - the table description of 'huge' doesn't really give me any visual. Either be size specific or define it's size relative to other things - wood nerd alert! Page one table stuff - what do you mean by the familiar grooves? Wood doesn't have grooves, so Imma need something specific here - page two: we're back on this irregular table curve again. Is this a live edge you're trying to describe? - page three: My spidey sense is tingling. “He beat his wife,” Telethas said. “This offense is at least equal to his stealing.” Are you telling us something about the characters here, in how they value women? If so, solid. If not, reconsider this wording. - Why hadn’t Helia come forward sooner? - possibly because people's opinions of wife beating are that it is on par with stealing? - page four - and we have dead children, too? Erm. Hrm. Having. Hard. Time. No. Female. Characters. Dead woman....fridge senses raising to yellow... - page six. I'm sorry. I have to stop. I'm very uncomfortable with the gender dynamics and the very blasé use of domestic violence and infanticide in the context of this piece. In themselves they are certainly appropriate to use when telling a story, but the way the characters are reacting and the ease with which they move into magic dialogue, among several other things, really bothers me. I hope the comments I was able to provide to this point were helpful.

Ep 14 Which one do I like the most? Hrm. I enjoyed the android, although it took me some time to get into it. The start was shaky, but the scrotum section really brought me into the narrative. Quirk's section I didn't care for this time. Whereas our first exposure to him was of a smooth talking showman, here I found him crass and very blunt. I am not as drawn to him in this light. Moth I did enjoy again. You've been very consistent with her character and I think this scene shows us a bit of a softer side of Moth, compared to other encounters, while still being true to her character. So I guess my ranking would me: Moth, Android, Quirk. Ep 15 I think you did well with the thirteen line thing. I didn't feel overwhelmed with information at all, and the inserts were smooth. Nice work! Ep 16 I'm also confused. What does the 'gee-whiz' refer to?? Overall I'm curious to see how you integrate the android into the narrative bits we've already seen. I would like to see more of suave Quirk over coarse Quirk, if only because coarse is really overdone (IMO) in sff, but nuanced characters are hard to come by. I loved Quirk from your first submission. Like, I want to go to clubs with him and seduce women in cafes with him. This one...meh. Maybe we'd drink a beer together. I consistently enjoy Moth, and am looking forward to more of her adventures. I didn't do LBLs since this is more writing exercise than anything, but overall it was an easy read and I stayed engaged the whole time. Nice work!

Overall, I liked the descriptions, but here Atena's character lagged. There was no movement on her character development, and I still don't know enough about this war she is fighting to care about the battle scenes. I think there were several moments in this submission where you could really develop Atena's character without changing the flow of the story, and I have highlighted them below. Your Questions: Boring: Yes, I'm afraid. I still don't have enough of Atena's character or the background of the war to care about either. I have some interest in Atena, but she needs to show some development here soon. Silvanus: I get no feel for him at all. I would not have identified him as an important character had you not specifically asked about him Old characters: Per Atena, without more development, I don't have a lot to comment on. As I go - you're still skewing adjective heavy. Maybe try to limit yourself to one per sentence until you can pare them down better. - Elanor and Atena...roomates or.... they way it is written it could go either way, and you have my undivided attention if they're sharing a room. O_O <-- me, always up for some f/f character interaction (ETA: clearly did not remember they were sisters from the previous chapter) - page one: I'd like to see more reasoning for Atena's reaction to the message. She's getting all nervous and adrenalined and such, but I still don't have a clear picture as to why she feels this way. I require backstory. - page one. Ah, 'sis'. Alas. There goes my 'ship. - "It’s just something I’ve got to do, Ellie" but why???? - page one: I don't understand it's purpose. It's an ideal place to look into the motivations of Atena, but end up just bits of dialogue. Suggest beefing up the convo between her and her sister so that we get character development. - "Atena lashed out and grabbed Silvanus by his collar. ‘Listen here, you piece of rust—" same deal here. I don't understand the reasoning for her actions. You're relying on reader assumption that all beings are inherently 'good' and have the same values about social caste systems. We know nothing about Atena's value system. This needs to be defined before her actions like this mean anything. - page three: they're talking about the upcoming battle but since I still don't understand why the battle is happening or what the stakes are for Atena, it does not resonate. I just end up bored and wanting to get to some text that gives me more insight into the character so I can figure out why I care about these events. - page three: the remembrancer bit dialogue is good and gives me a small peak into Atena. Here, there is 'voice' - page four: the descriptions of the armor and such is pretty author voice telling. Would rather get it shown. - page four: LOL at the fungus-covered head - page six: the battle is long for still being unsure why it is being fought. Also, with all the PTSD you brought out in Atena earlier, I'm surprised she is doing this well. Wouldn't she be having flashbacks mid battle? that'd be interesting to see, would help develop her character, and would give more depth to the battle (because others would land blows, etc). - page seven: tactics not conducive to film... love it!

Heavy revisions versus rewriting are more or less the same thing. But this is a very common thing to have to do. Our draft zeros, anyone's draft zero, is often so far off from the final piece that if you held the two documents side to side they'd look nothing alike. I'd say just start at the beginning and hit the edits. See where that takes you!

My editor agrees.

@Mandamon it refuses to load on my mac, but loads on my iPhone. No idea. I second @Hobbit's question. How did you get your animals to sit still for long enough to take that photo!?!

Boo. It won't load for me.

Aww, thank you @Mandamon and @Hobbit! It means a lot!

Putting my name in for the 5th. ETA: Just saw we already have five for the upcoming week, so I'll wait till next time unless someone mysteriously drops.

Could someone walk me through how to get a siggy to show on my posts? I can't find the option anywhere. ETA: Never mind, I found it. Heh. Also...edits. Track Changes on Word makes them surprisingly easy. I'm a little blow away by how straight forward it all is. Also, I suck at comma usage. Also, apparently you should always spell out 'okay'. Also also, I tend to construct unnecessarily long winded sentences that I think are beautiful but are impossible for people to read. I belong in the 1800s.

If it helps, @Hobbit, agents are not generally fans of prologues anymore. Many will ask you to flat out not submit them when doing a query.

Breakthrough! I know just the place for this. Awesome! Thank you, everyone. It looks like there is no real consensus on second books, so I think I shall imply 'do what I like'. That makes my life easier, too. @Mandamon I do indeed have the whole thing written. We're lurking around version four here on the forum, about to flip to version five when I finish this next write through. I actually promised it to my editor today for first read through. Heh. The M/Ne relationship is critical to the first arc of this book and was planned from the beginning. I struggle with how blatant to make the early interactions, but I think I'm in a groove now, and right around the book halfway point they have a very serious interlude, which has always been there. I like the edit suggestions I've been getting here thus far. I think bringing out the tension in stronger ways, earlier, will help that final scene have more, erm, heat.

One of the reasons I asked this question then is because of this. I'm in a strange place with this forum, as you guys read half of AFD. You're both new readers and old readers. I think that people who read all book one would be completely engaged with the reasons for planet-searching in book two. I have not, therefore, spent any real time in book two with the reasonings for why they are doing this, other than some cursory discussion. So I really don't know how much to put in, because book one spent the entirety of the book building those reasons, and retracing some of those steps seems like rehash, instead of moving the plot forward. Ugh. New character, check. Mythos, double check. Duly noted about the holiday and wedding episodes. Those, uh, weren't really even considered, but in the off chance the series ever becomes a television sitcom, I'll remember this. Thank you, everyone, for the feedback!