kais

Also in line for 28th.

Hah, no. I've never been to a Terry Pratchett convention. I used to live in Thailand. You take protein where you can get it.

LOL @TKWade, technically, I stole that format from @neongrey because I loved it so much! Overall Leaps and bounds better writing than your last sub. You're improving quickly. Some notes below. The part with Jess - it was so long and so touching that it A) grounded your MC and B.) made me wonder if maybe a little something something was going on there. I think you could streamline it, but I don't think shortening it would do your MC much good. I'd vote against extending the training. We don't know anything about this world, and we are not yet invested in anyone in particular. Meaningless battling without context just makes me want to skim, or put the book down entirely. The training session works right now (if you move the explanation up before it). Any longer and people who read for character and dialogue, like myself, won't be hooked anymore. As I go - still issues with comma and semi colon use - too many names right off the bat, with the kids and then all the hero names. I'll never keep them all straight - page five: you keep using the word subjugation but I'm not actually seeing any subjugation happening - page seven: I think 'beat' is what the sound is called. So if you italicize it it would be something like lub-dub, lub-dub. Beat would just be written normally. - page eight: having eat rat on a stick myself, I can tell you that this scene is not very accurate. They may be skinned, but street rats are bony and you really have to work for that meat. There needs to be more blocking here. - top of page nine is infodump - page nine: I'm confused. What is a 'dark-mannered' woman? Did she get executed or did she execute another woman? - page ten: I don't have enough world buy-in to care why they are training. Need more reason first - yeah, the explanation on page twelve should be moved up much earlier - the tension holds well at the end

I just made pie, so my comments may be more sugar-filled than normal. Overall After the first page got through, the pacing was fine as was the description. What did not work for me at all was the dialogue between the two characters. Janus comes off incredibly predatory and Laurea.... likes it? She's terrified one minute, being not-so-willingly led the next, and then flirts at the end. Very contradictory, and triggery. I think you could clean it up easily with just some minor dialogue changes though. The structure of the narrative itself is engaging. Reading through previous comments I see @Mandamon picked up on similar things. Your direct questions The new terms were worked in very well to the narrative, and I had no issues determining what they were. I don't think anything went too quickly, although a few transitional sentences here and there would help. I did not care for the flirting, although I think to fix it would be a very minor rewrite. It's not the scenes and actions that are troublesome, it's the dialogue and reactions. As I go - the first paragraph, and even the first page, is a little info-dumpy. - Oh wait, is this the first chapter to a book? If so, you need a lot more tension in your first line and your first page. I agree with @rdpulfer here. Thoughts and descriptions are for a little later. Hook us immediately. - I would start your chapter here, and add a little more kick to the sentence: The Suscepta drew up to the spire’s docks shortly before noon - page three: young law keeper is a creeper - Why would she blush? More internal monologue needed. Does she think he's cute? Does she like his uniform? Women don't just blush when random men given them compliments. Has to be some mutual something going on. - page four: Out of nowhere, Janus pushed her aside and pinned her ... Woah WOAH. You've already established him as a creeper, and her reaction is of him being a creeper, and now he pins her to a wall? Pushing her to the side, or pinning and apologizing and saying 'porter!' would have been much better. If I had picked this book up at a bookstore this would be be the point at which I put it back on the shelf. - end of page four: Janus just grabs her hand? After being pinned to a wall and the like I'd be out of there. - page five: pretty lady reference.... Let's have a discussion. Are you trying to set Janus up as a sexual predator? That's how he is coming across. If YES, then solid writing job. You might want to give the readers a little bit more warning before launching into that, although its effective the way it is. If NO...edits and reactions need to be changed drastically. - page five: and he called her cute. Nope. - page six: he says she likes him, and she has given no indication of this. Yup. Sexual predator.

Uh, yeah. You definitely won. I have maybe twenty in book one, all total. So when are we going to write a Quirk/Ne crossover? The language...

Are you trying to give the Ard series competition? In slightly related news, ONLY THREE MORE CHAPTERS TO GO before ATD is complete!

Subbing on the 21st: @TKWade, @Eagle of the Forest Path, and myself. ANY NEWBIES READING THIS, PM ME!!

In line for the 21st as well.

@Chaos Do we have an update on @Silk? I don't know how many newbies are lurking in the ether. Any chance we could get a new mod for this little corner of the world?

BIG CONGRATULATIONS to both your daughter and you! What an exciting event! Of course, we are happy for your book baby, too, We look forward to you rejoining us here in RE land.

Ahh, I've been wondering when I'd get to see more of this! Overall I appreciate the world building, and the story was good. I did however feel that the chapter lacked tension. I wasn't sure why I was reading what I was reading, and didn't see the purpose to the story until almost the end of the chapter. I still am very interested in this world, and would love to see more of it. Keep at it! As I go - woah. Page one, too much dialogue to start. Where are they. When are they. What is happening? - Ovalum sounds like a pretty petty god - page four: this magic system is still confusing to me. I think it needs a hard definition sometime soon - by the top of page five it is hard not to skim. There doesn't seem to be a direction to this chapter and I'm not invested enough in the world to really get into the story here - bottom of page five: ah, the purpose of the story. It might be nice to give some context to the reader before this. Drop these names or bits of the story or something like that earlier (maybe you did and this is WRS), so that we know why this story is so long

Overall The piece starts off with a decent hook and holds tension well, however I don't understand the ending. I agree with @aeromancer about the dialogue and the descriptions. Overall, it was an interesting read! As I go - not the strongest starting sentence, but not horrible, either - the causation? This doesn't make sense - the sentence structure on page one is difficult to read - some tense changes on page two - page four: she can get an experimental drug at a pharmacy??? - end of page five: need a better transition from swallowing the pill and the crash. I got very confused - getting lost on page ten. Blocking needs work here - the dialogue is... sort of trite. - I don't understand the ending. What is she supposed to chose?

Overall As always, improving with each submission! Atena as a character is still a little choppy, and I think sometimes you skip emotional growth stuff and introspection to do more physical stuff like fighting. A good balance will help the book flow better. Specific comments below. Also, I'm with Atena if she wants to skewer the temple people. That comment was just... yeah... *rage* As I go - they have all these wars, and yet there are glass doors? That just seems impractical - She placed Eleanor’s tenderly over her sleeping form. <-- noun missing - how old is Eleanor? She's talking about her like she is a little kid but I thought Eleanor was older?? - I expected more of a reaction to the message she got on page one than just tossing it aside. It seems very in your face, and she's just been through another battle. Wouldn't she... I don't know, get mad at it and exposit on why can't people just leave me alone??? - page two and she'e entering the temple. I definitely want more emotional set-up before this - In an instant, her trepidation and nervousness had gone, replaced by festering belligerence and frustration. <--- telling. I want to see this, and earlier - end of page two: we don't really need a recap of what we already know. Would be more interesting to see her try to twist events, or try to turn it back on the council, or something like that. Build character here - page three: per above, I see you do do this just a few paragraphs later. Excellent - ‘Explain,’ Tiberius growled. ‘And tread carefully.’ <--- huh? this seems unlikely based upon how you have described Tiberius. Also, I agree with @rdpulfer that this person is two-dimensional - ‘We all know the real reason why Atena has your support, Marcus <--- uh, those are fighting words, and Atena is a fighter. No way she'd take that and ignore it. - top of page five: what was the point of the council meeting? You built tension a little and then it had no real conclusion. I'd expect Atena to get into more trouble, if nothing else, especially if some idiot is going to accuse her of sleeping around to get power. Like, I'm all enraged on the other end of my screen right now. Atena needs to skewer herself some *insert curse words the site won't allow*!! - page five: color me confused. Why is she going to a monastery? Suddenly very introspective for no clear reason. Now, if she's all mad about the meeting and has some introspection about needing to calm down like the nice dragon told her to, that would make sense, but I don't see any hint of that here. - page six to the first half of seven does not appear to serve a purpose and is hard not to skim - the end is interesting

@Robinski since we chatted about this a while back... capitalization edits are apparently part of round two editorial edits. So much. So, so much. Pro tip for everyone: don't be editing two books in a series while writing another in that series. The timelines in my head are all jumbly. o_O

Submitting on the 14th: @EthanBassett, @Vreeah, @AuthorityHellas16, and myself. Any newbies out there that PMed Silk or want to sub, PM me!!

@cadebengert this one is a good place to start, as a jumping off point to the link Eagle posted.

The issue is that we don't know the newbies unless they intro themselves. The files say to DM silk and wait to be added to the list. IF YOU ARE OUT THERE, NEWBIES, DM ME!

@Robinski, @Mandamon, and others who may be lurking who have been here longer than I - we've not seen or heard from @Silk in a few weeks. I can run the subs thread but we need some way to get newbies on the list serve and to edit the pinned post with how to get on it (since sending e-mails to Silk won't work right now). Do any of you know which admin we could contact? There's also the possibility that Silk is the only one running the list, at which point I don't know what to suggest. Any thoughts?

In for the 14th assuming space

I'm here if you need to talk @neongrey, or anyone else for that matter.

@EthanBassett if silk isn't around I'll make sure you get to sub in the upcoming week.

I agree in that I would not expect anyone to critique that didn't sub that week. Some of us do, some of us dont't, and that's fine either way. Its just been getting a little... sparse. And last week I'd have not had any crits if some of the people who didn't sub hadn't jumped in. That's kind of a crappy place to be, mentally. You get to do a lot of 'is it me?' 'is my story just bad?' 'Maybe I talk about uncomfortable issues too much'.

Welcome back! Overall The chapters were fun to read, but seemed to lack a through plot or focus. I'm not certain what you were trying to accomplish with Aetna's character. Was it to really bring home her PTSD? I think you might be 'protecting' the character a bit. The most real moment in these two chapters is where she is relaxing, finally, and then some explosion goes off. That was a good moment. The rest... I can see where you're trying to go, and you stop just short. BUT still better, you get better all the time, so please don't think I don't like this sub. It's solid, it's just needs a little hot sauce (not the sexy kind, the tension kind). As I go - page two: I'd like a bit more build up to the dragon coming out. It's a neat thing but the event is covered up by the silliness of the dryads. Maybe have the forest still and the dryads go silent the line before to build tension - forestry nerd alter! Redwood forests don't generally have an emerald look. Their needles aren't that color - page three: if the dragon talk doesn't do anything, why is it in here? I love her talking to a dragon, so please don't misunderstand, it just doesn't feel like it has a point. Maybe it could serve to pull more memories?? - Behind the battle lines, I saw Shomari, the traitorous child of Mor, floating in the air, his long trunk hanging over his distended, rotted stomach. Remembering that this used to be a religious piece, are we battling Ganesh here? - page five: there are too many descriptive specifics for a memory. It also kills the tension. Suggest making it short and to the point - ending the chapter on a memory somehow feels incomplete - yes, per above, now we're in a new chapter and I don't know if she was asploded in the forest, taking her from her musings, or if we are somewhere else - page seven: I am so confused. Where are we? What is going on? Is this a training maybe? - +1 for female bathing scene not in male gaze - page eight where she is finally learning to relax and then there is an explosion is very good. Much empathy

Welcome to RE! Overall First, good for you for having the courage to submit. I know it can be intimidating the first time, so just know that we all have to take that big first step. Nice job. For this piece.... I was bored. I was bored and confused. There are three POV switches, no buy-in for any of them, and no hook. I don't know why I care about any of these people, or what the stakes are in the narrative. also find many of your sentences to be constructed in such a way as that they are difficult to read. I see @aeromancer commented on the same thing. For edits, I suggest keeping to one POV per chapter and really building tension and empathy, especially early on. Maybe try to shorten your sentences and use fewer commas. Keep at it! It's a good start! As I go - inhalation isn't a great cold open sentence. You generally want to start each chapter and end each chapter with a strong sentence, especially the cold open of your book. - the second sentence has far too many adjectives - there's a ton of info dump right off. It's making me want to skim - why is there a smell of creosote in a cave? Does a railroad track go through it? - page three: she wins the argument that easily? Doesn't really seem like an argument then - I don't know anything about our MC so I really have no empathy for them at this current time - there is a lot of comma splicing and awkward phrasing going on. It makes this hard to read - “Sonny, you already gave yourself away. So before we unbind any part of you, you will need to convince me you are not demon-bound. I could just turn you over for execution. So convince me to spare your life.” What is happening? I have no buy-in, I don't know what demon bound is, and Alex appears to just be penetrating auras without consent so my empathy for his situation right now is like -5. - page five: the dialogue is moving so fast without character development that I am completely lost. Too much info dumping - why are the cave walls coated in creosote? - page six: I think I figured out why I am confused. There is no hook. What is the purpose of this story? Why should I care about Alex? - page six. Head hopping. Three POVs in one chapter, especially the first chapter, is very confusing. Stick with building buy-in with one character at a time - page seven: we've had the same conversation in each POV. He gets to stay alive. We get it. - 'savages' is a pretty loaded word. Be careful with it - the women serve and prostitute only? This isn't endearing me to the book

I don't really want to poke a sleeping bear here but maybe a nudge? There is a growing trend of not critiquing when you sub. I've been watching it now for a few weeks. That kind of makes this whole set up not work. You're then relying on the 'regulars' who aren't submitting that week to fill in the gaps. I get that we don't all have time to do every sub every week but if you sub you really should do at least one crit that week. If you don't have time to crit, then maybe wait to sub until you do have time. We'll be here, promise.