kais

*Bursts out laughing* I didn't get fabulous sexual fluidity from him, but the level of douchebaggery is about right. Maybe 3?

OMG this is a thing! Wait, going to get links... Prosopagnosia, although that's not quite right. I read an article about exactly what you described a while back, but having a hard time trying to remember the name... Aphantasia is where you can't imagine anything, but there is a version of this or something akin where one literally cannot picture faces. Ugh, sorry I can't find it!

Well that is quite a thing! Overall It's an interesting crew assortment, and well balance, so I like that. I'm very confused with all the names introduced, and the lack of description of settings. Specifics below. I'd love to see the world more developed because a well-balanced ship crew is a great love of mine. As I go - Intended age range? MG? NA? A? With the second character being a girl, I was wondering - oh, she's a pilot. Woman then, or girl still? Intrigued. - page two, S asks if the female is the pilot. Didn't she already say she was, several times? - N is named on page two, but did she introduce herself? - page two: trio of warriors, but no descriptions? I don't know anything about this world. They could literally look like anything. - page three: too many names too quickly. Going to take me a while to keep them straight - page three: inviting him to join already does seem sudden, I agree - page four: why would buying N a wrench impress her? I don't know, but I like her already. - page five: would like more setting description (and this is coming from me, the author with the perpetual habit of skipping scene description) - dialogue on page five is... I'm confused. Part of it is not knowing who is who because too many people were introduced too quickly, and part of it is that he got taken onto the ship so fast. Why not start the chapter with him having been with them a few weeks? This level of familiarity clashes with his just having arrived. - page eight: At the end of the dialogue I'm left with no actual idea of what they are going to do or what their jobs are. Are they just 'for hire' in pretty much every sense? - page nine: I enjoyed the wrench banter - page ten: wait, N is a pilot and she isn't allowed to pilot why? This needs explanation. Right now its just banter. - page twelve: AHAHAHAHAHA 42.... - page twelve: protag needs weapons why? - page fourteen: I have no sense for what anything looks like. What does the ship look like? What do the people look like? What do the weapons look like? The people are moving from place to place and talking but it's just sort of a white blur that keeps popping into Firefly imagery because I don't know what else to insert - page fifteen: ah, so they are on a planet and flying actual ships that would go in water. Flying ships were in She-Ra back in the 80s. I can do this, mentally. Just going to channel Sea-Hawk and his strange on-again-off-again romance with Adora. - page sixteen: a village? How big? What are the houses made of? How are they blocking them? Are there houses or yurts or what? - page eighteen: unsure what is going on. Too many names.

As an aside, for the level of specific comments you're after, line numbers in the document would be useful. I only had one sentence of confusion in the second part, noted below. The dialogue was interesting and there really wasn't any legal jargon in there to stumble over. Adrichel: your overall impressions of him as a person and character: It took me forever to figure out who Adrichel was. I feel like he likes to toy with people and is a bit sexist. Has an eye for aesthetic. Not necessarily a bad person overall, but could be a minor irritant. What you think his goal was in these exchanges with Lasila: To feel out her lawyer skills? Your guess as to what his role in the overall story is: secondary antagonist? I really don't know. To me, it seemed like she did alright in the negotiations. Not perfect, but not 'beat the crap out of', either. As I go - page one: his hair drips like honey is still so... sticky sounding - I enjoyed the description of the statue - page three: when they're doing the 'if its a boy, this house, if its a girl, this one', do they just have the two sexes then? - About the only thing out of the ordinary is a specific plan for investment and re-calculation to ensure both houses benefit as much as possible. <-- I find this line confusing. Everything before it was fine.

Overall You writing is getting better. Keep at it! The prologue is pretty close now. A few tweak areas noted below. The next chapter started strong and sort of fizzled out. Specifics below. As I go - That first line would have more punch if you just ended it at burn. - infernal? Did you mean 'inferno'? - The interspersion of Alandia's thoughts with the first chapter narration is really choppy - Still having run-on sentence problems - the writing scene still needs some tension work, but once they are out of the building it gets better - watch your redundant words. For instance you use 'fog' twice in as many sentences on page four, top paragraph. This is happening a lot, but an easy fix. - the short little paragraph at the top of page seven is just beautiful - using the word 'beloved' at the end of page seven is overkill, however. Just replace with husband - The battle scene stretches a little too long, especially for a prologue. Suggest removing about two pages from it to keep tension going without making readers bored - page twelve. Woah with the new names. Too many. I will never keep them straight - page 13: is she a Vulcan? - page 13: the messed up hair thought seems out of place noting the other thoughts you've shared from your MC - page 13: ugh. So. Many. Names. - page 14: it's so early for The Weapon to be introduced. Eye roll happening here - page 15: why tell him about the swords if they just have to kill him if he knows? This is confusing - bottom of page 15: because of the Too Many Names, this section does not have the impact I think you wanted it to have - page 17: yeah, MC's flippant attitude is at odds with his actions and thoughts. Inconsistent character - page 19: honestly, I'm bored at this point. I was moderately invested when the MC was being hauled around, but since I have no grasp of this world or the people, this dialogue with this not-human bald female falls flat - page 20: motivation fail. Why are the siblings helping the MC, and why does he trust them? Too many questions, too many characters, not enough tension or character development - page 21: last line doesn't have any impact, because I don't know enough about MC's current life to get excited about a new beginning

Overall Well your writing just keeps getting better! This is by far the best version I've seen yet. I like this format, with some comments below. I very much appreciate the information about the magic system right up front. Not a fan of the head hopping, especially with the backdate time for Sofia. Keep up the awesome work! As I go - good, strong cold open. You've come a long way! - liking the detail of the second full paragraph a lot - page two is delightful - top of page three, the ideas seem less developed and I get confused - the discussion of fighting style kills the decent tension. I want more hook still, not a debate. It's first chapter after all - bottom of page six - head hopping, as in, POV swaps mid-chapter, are not generally well-liked in new author fiction. Just heads up - I'm confused as to when Sofia's POV starts. Is it right after we leave her brother? - it looks like Sofia's POV jumps back in time a little. This kills tension, because we already know how the battle ends. I'm not invested in this scene - tension back around page nine - the ending isn't very cliff hanging because I don't know what the consequences are for dreams getting loose. It's an eye. It's loose. So what?

Happy Krampusnacht! Anyone joining me in watching Rare Exports?

You're in, @Vreeah Subbing on the 5th: @neongrey, @TKWade, @aeromancer, @Vreeah and myself.

Subbing on the 5th: @neongrey, @TKWade, @aeromancer, and myself. ANY NEWBIES LURKING, PLEASE PM ME IF YOU WANT TO SUB!

And actually, the release of AFD was pushed to February 27th because the Trump election freaked out a sizable portion of the US publishing industry. Nice to have release dates for two of the three though! ETA: @Mandamon can you tell me more about this indie authors group you're a part of? I saw something about it on Twitter from you.

ASD just got its release date! Coming to a store near you on August 7th!

In line for the 5th. NEWBIES, IF YOU ARE LURKING AND WAITING FOR A RESPONSE FROM SILK, JUST PM ME!

Chop chop, @Mandamon! Give us the Pitmad scoop! Saw some hearts and a retweet! In AFD news, just moved out of editors edits to copyeditor edits. Onwards and upwards!

And update for you, @JanellR72, I just hit the halfway point with yours. @TKWade I'd recommend you do CPs for a while, too, to help with the smaller scale development stuff. CPs fill a very different role than beta or alpha readers.

Yup! I've got two newbies doing this already.

it's.... it's actually called a 'humping org chart'.... @neongrey I think I love you.

The Mistborn series is pretty high up there. I did read a book once where an opera singer was transported to a magical land where music battles happened through singing and you could kill someone with a discordant note. My favorite fighting style comes from Mathemagics, where they fight with formulas. I like strange systems. Swords and fists don't do much for me these days.

Welcome back to RE, after your long sabbatical! Overall This has the makings of a very engaging novel. Right now though, the text is wandery and grammar needs cleaning. I think you could cut out about half the words and have a very compelling prologue on your hands. Bonus, your author voice is strong, and that also helps make the piece compelling. Specific notes below. As I Go - the cold open line isn't really that gripping. It reads generic. - that first full paragraph is wordy and wanders. I still can't find the hook - the second full paragraph is where you should start the prologue I think. Much more dynamic - page two: people have very different size distinctions when it comes to cities. Need more concrete measurements - page two: you have a lot of long, potentially run-on sentences that make the sentences wander - page four: author voice starts to come out here, which is good, but... this still wanders too much. Thus far I know there is a city and people wearing uniforms. That's all I have, mentally, four pages in - end of page four: yeah okay, I'm a sucker for female knights so you've piqued my interest now - things start to pick up near the end of page five - page eight starts wandering again

Yeah, but you've laid the groundwork. That's enough. Ne is bi too but only ever thinks about or does stuff with M. Unless you're writing a poly character or character in serial monogamy stints throughout the book, a bisexual character will likely skew one way or another. I wouldn't worry about it. It's just boring. I get that its plot critical, but I have to really work to digest the information and force myself to focus. It might need to be presented differently, like in thought or dialogue maybe? Make it more active? I thought it was great!

That's alright! @Mandamon and I are about to do a full trade as well (he's a top notch CP, by the way) and so I'll have other things to keep me occupied. The due date for ATD got pushed back so I have breathing room. Trying to decide what project to tackle next. Short novella or novel with how Ne and Yor met, or start a new series? In its current rough form, about 80K. So only half of Waifs and Strays!

I always like a good epigraph. I generally only comment on things that stick out to me, whether good or bad. If I haven't commented on them, likely they just haven't struck me. Overall The first page and a half dragged, but it really picked up after that. The alley scene was very well done and I like the blinding part. Leaves a lot of questions and is a solid hook. The conversation with the siblings was very emotion-invoking this time, too. Nice work! As I go - Page two: LOL! Harsh critique of her last partner. But then, we've all been with that one woman... - page two: aside from the amusing previous-partner lines, I'm not really engaged with the text until here: They're interrupted only once - page 4: brother/sister dialogue here is nice - the first paragraph on page five is the first time I have ever really connected with Lasilia and her struggle. Love it - good end!

It's ready! I want to do one more read through and was planning on sending it to you Tuesday. Would that work @Robinski? @JanellR72 if you'd be interested in doing a full swap, I'd do an alpha on yours. I need crit work on mine as well. Bonus though, ATD also has lesbians!

@JanellR72 welcome! The weekly sub thread is far more active than the alpha one, although we do see some activity here from time to time. You might consider, instead, subbing a 5000 word chunk per week in the weekly sub, as that's where most of us hang out. We could use some fresh blood, too, and personally always excited about queer romance. Note that our mod, Silk, is MIA. If you want to do the weekly sub just PM me and we can exchange e-mails. I can then send your sub through the list serve to everyone (and send everyone's back to you) until we get a new mod.

Looks like just me and @neongrey for the 28th. Any newbies lurking out there, waiting for a response from @Silk, please PM me! @Chaos we desperately need a mod for this board. Help? Maybe @Mandamon or @Robinski could report this post so someone will see it? I've tagged mods and PMed them but I'm not getting any response.

My greatest dream is that someday I will stumble upon fanfic of my books.