kais

OMGOMGOMG COVER!!!!!!!!!! Not a fan of draft one, but cool they I get so much input!

Blurbs selected, edits finalized. FINAL FORM ESTABLISH. No more changes from here on out. I'm a little terrified.

Looking to sub on the 9th, pending space

Just okayed the proofreader edits to AFD. Now we go to layout!! (I realize the minutia of publishing are not very exciting, but I have no IRL writing friends to squee with.)

Double posted, and can't figure out how to delete the post. Sorry!

I'm not against, I just think a little bit more world building is in order. I can attempt to infer the context, but having a better background of what a guard is and does and how that job is thought of in society would help a great deal. The explanation you gave totally works and makes sense, so maybe it just needs to be outlined more in text.

See, now I feel better, too. I had a hard time getting into AJ. I don't actively dislike it, but I won't read any more in the series, likely. The immediate chapters I enjoyed, but the flashback chapters are just... hard reading and quite frankly, boring. ETA: Wanted to add that I'm only halfway through, so my opinion may very well change.

@Ernei I think it is absolutely appropriate! You can't include all these real word things (rape, murder, etc) and skim over basics, especially since YA and MG readers are heavily conscious of their periods. They'll be thinking about it, one way or the other. I think it is a great addition to the type of story you've outlined. With that said though, I think historically women 'free bled' in some places. Might want to consider some research as to what would be period appropriate (no pun intended) menstruation care. Old rags? Free bleed? Hut? Sleeping outdoors? So many different cultures have dealt with this in so many ways. Might be interesting to explore them, too.

Okay, so since it's a rough draft, I'll skip the 'as I go comments' and just give you some general impressions on buy in. I'm still confused as to the whore name with Lyan being a guard. I don't quite see her mother's reasoning. That would need to be brought out more. I was most engaged with Lyan and the boy, which I thought was excellent and I really enjoyed Lyan as a character then. It sort of fell apart after that, and I got confused. The parts about her mother at the end seem a bit all over the place. So, do I like the character? For this chapter, yes. I'm curious as to her background, and I like her lawful good sort of attitude. I'd read more about her, certainly, especially if she was paired with someone morally ambiguous. That'd be a lot of fun. It was a fun read, and I enjoyed it a great deal!

Overall I enjoyed this a lot. It was a lot more adult, and, as @Mandamon said, competent in terms of characters. Very engaging, with some danger and mystery. As I go - The wooden helmet didn't look like much. An enhanced bullet could easily pierce through the back and puncture the skull. Why an enhanced bullet? Wouldn't pretty much any bullet go through a wood helmet? - it's page three, and I'm not really certain what is going on. Maybe WRS here - page four getting a bit maid and butler - page five: 'dark room' getting some weight to it - the italics section at the end of page six is really interesting, and is much, hrm, darker than previous sections. Before I thought you were going for sort of a YA or even MG book, but this really moves it into adult - oh, nice pull to the nursery there at the end!

If any of you write paranormal f/f (or bi) shorts, there's a call for them right now. Maybe @neongrey?

Well I can tell you right off that the title grabs me, for sure. Overall Plot: Hm. I don't think it could be a stand alone. I like it, actually, I like it the best out of everything you've presented on the board thus far, but it might need a bit, hrm, a bit of wrap up at the end for it to stand alone. On the other hand, it grounds this world so quickly, and answers so many of my questions in such a short time, that it should definitely get 'out there', somehow. Overall I loved it, and if that were a prologue or intro to a book I would keep reading for sure. As I go - that final sentence in the first paragraph is thick and hard to parse - 'She's' certain, not 'She' on next line - page one: She out over the windowsill, puts her arm out, maybe? Leans? - page two: I've just started into Ancillary Justice, and the gender discussion here rings very familiar - page three: I remain confused as to what lamina is/are - page five: that scene with the servant and the braille on the knit... LOVE. Those two need to find some time together *cough* - page seven: I feel more grounded in this world just from this little segment alone than from everything else I have read in-world - page eight: oh yeah. Shipping hard

And in true tit for tat crit fashion, @Robinski had a lovely series of comments about Yor's wishy washy ways, and made highly amusing references to an old lady's china cat collection. I love alpha reads. Why crit if you can't have some fun (says the person who spent pages upon pages making bad Nintendo references in @Mandamon's draft....)? Zero arguments from me here. Zero.

In line for Monday as well

@Mandamon is beating me to all the subs this week! Overall Loving the more treacherous dream stuff, for sure, and the tie in to Sophia. I agree with mandamon in that the characters are still pretty bland, and could use some spicing up. I think the content of this sub could move much earlier in the work, and really help speed up the narrative. As I go - Not a fan of your opening line. Would prefer something with more kick to it, to suck me in as a reader - ah, finally we see what the dreams can do! Yay! This could be a stellar first chapter, even. Sets the stakes well - page four, and the blocking is off, I think. I'm confused who is where and doing what - the monster is vanquished... seemingly very easily? It felt a little anticlimactic, but that might be due to blocking, too - page eight: I was super into this mistress and hunter thing, and it sort of fell when we find out his motivation is because his wife and son are dead - page nine: ah, good connection to the blue slime! - I'm disappointed that there wasn't some catch with Sofia and the blue stuff. Tension dipped lower there

Hmm. Well, I enjoyed the gender language explanation a lot. There was some good tension there at the beginning, too, and the POV character was very intriguing. I'd read more about her certainly. This would be a great teaser to put out before a book launch, as it really grounds the world. I enjoyed reading it!

You know, @TKWade, I really admire your steadfast determination to understand the critiques and improve your writing. The world needs more people like you. P.S. I'll get a list together for reading!

Overall I like your writing style and authorial voice. The prose was very engaging. The actual plot doesn't seem to be there, although the characters are quite vivid at times. After these four chapters I really don't know what is at stake, or where the book is going. The first two chapters were really solid, and then it started to wander. Specifically to your questions: I need some semblance of purpose to really connect with characters, and I was mostly confused for the second half of this vignette. The world has a distinct noir feel, which is good, but I need some why in there, or the characters are just nameless talking heads. I liked the first chapter the most, as it had a lot of good description and voice to it, and it had a ton of potential. As the chapters wore on and no plot surfaced, it became harder and harder to focus. Overall though, it has a ton of potential! Looking forward to reading more! As I go - props for a good opening line on a cold open - page two: rather than covert, perhaps? - chapter one: it starts strong, and ends strong, and the writing is engaging, but I don't get a solid sense of the plot of the book or the stakes for our MC in this first chapter. At a book store, I would be wary at this point, but still keep reading because the prose is sound - chapter two starts slow - end of chapter two. It's interesting, but I am not connecting with the MC. Some form of plot should be appearing by now. Still great writing and very smooth read - page eleven, you ask the 'why would she take the Word off the board' question twice - page twelve: its hard to build tension about someone wanting to kill our MC when I don't really have any affection for him yet - page thirteen: I am thoroughly confused at this point - chapter three: didn't really seem to advance any sort of plot. It was hard to stay focused - there are so many names in such a short period of time. I can't keep them straight - I'm not actually sure what happened in chapter four

Maybe start a discussion thread on it, @neongrey?

o_O ? It's my first time with her. Does she have some troublesome other work? Karen Memory was really diverse and well paced, and I can't say I had any issues with it other than sometimes being a little bored or thinking the romance was rushed.

You'll get no argument from me on this. It shouldn't be, but it is. But because of that, we have to be sensitive to it in our writing. That's just the long and short of it. Or you could use it for the men, too, as we discussed, and turn it on its head, which I wholeheartedly encourage. I don't think starting over is necessary, but I don't think working on shorts is a bad idea, either. We all have to really work to write the Other, be it other gender, sexuality, ethnicity, etc. There is no shame in admitting you need to do more research. The best part is that you can work your way through it with feedback because people on this board are awesome and want to help each other out! Yup. Because research is hard, yo. So for many, its a why bother? If you're just going to get screamed at by female readers and writers for doing a piss poor job because you didn't do your homework, why not just play it safe and only write cis het white males? (this is me side-eyeing said men. If you can't get inside another person's head sufficiently to write that person, you're a poor writer, or a lazy writer who doesn't want to do the legwork required to really understand someone) Uh, no. I have called fridging and male gaze on pretty much everyone here at some point or another, including the female writers. Women can be just as guilty of it as men. In fact, and I hope our much-loved @Robinski doesn't mind me using him as an example, but I did a read through of his 160K work Waifs and Strays, which was lovely and had strong female characters and really had nothing overarching to complain about. But he had this one line, and I still remember it, wherein a barmaid makes some reference to her ample chest (or possibly bosom, can't remember the euphemism). And you better believe I called him on that male gaze right then and there, and then proceeded to joke about it for another thirty thousand words (text about a man's crotch, and I ask if its ample, you know, for a friend). Now if a male character (or lady-loving lady) had made that comment or thought, totally would have worked. But in the context of our pious barmaid, it didn't make sense, and was authorial male gaze. Easy fix, and just something to point out. My point is, it may seem like I harp on it in your writing, but as 90% of the board can attest, I harp on it in everyone's writing. I don't like it. It bothers me, and contributes to the normalizing of sexualization of women. This is a critique board, so I include it with my critique. I've worked with you, both on and off board, on your writing, so I hope you can see that I am trying to help, in as much as I can. It can be hard to have someone shake up your worldview, and you're keeping your head above water, so keep going! Oh! And I can totally recommend reading for you, if you'd like! I've been trying to broaden my horizons myself, so have amassed a small library recently. Just let me know, and I'll toss titles at you! (I might be a little too excited about getting to share book titles with someone...)

Finally got around to reading Karen Memory by Elizabeth Bear. I don't read much steam punk, so I enjoyed the imagery a lot as it was a steep learning curve for me. With that said, I did feel it moved slowly and yet sometimes, maybe too fast? Some elements, like the plot, just plodded. In fact I didn't see much of a plot for the first half. Other areas, like the romance, were so sudden I was a bit dumbstruck (but I do like a long, drawn out romance). This is the first time I've been able to stomach a book written in dialect. It was alright, but it did make the book more difficult to read. I don't know if I would ever make this choice as a writer. Second book just just finished is Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor. I was confused at first when I started this, as I thought it was YA and it is actually middle grade. With that in mind, I thought it was snappy and lovely, with the right amount of exploring and world building for this age group. I do wonder how much it gets compared to Harry Potter, as there are some similar thematic elements. Such a neat premise for a book, and I really have nothing to quibble over. Some writing, good tension.

Not seeing a confirmation from @Silk, so it should be @Yados, @Vreeah, @neongrey, and myself on Dec 26th

That's actually what we're talking about, for the most part. I do, however, find very amusing that this whole topic has us all looking at where our arms go around our chests, and considering cup size, arm length, and shoulder width. Happy Holidays, from 17th Shard, where we love you no matter where your arms fall in relation to your nipples!

Wanted to add - if you can commit to the consistency, then you reset the norm for your world, and I have zero objections. It'd be a brave thing to do, though, and I think you'd get flack for it from male writers in the long run, but we'd fight at your back!