kais

Aheh... forgot to delete that Nerdy world building for scientists! Color theory started evolving right around the time chemistry was starting to edge out from alchemy in the western world. Brace yourself. The book only gets nerdier. Shall clear up No. I need to better address this Ignore the plot hole. Just back away, slowly. Nothing to see here. Nope. Nothing at all. *runs to fix* Do the sentences after not explain this well enough? Do I need to add a bit more? Thanks for having another read through! I think this is much better than when you read through it, but I'm also getting a better handle on the plot and M's character right now, too.

Reading this, I had to check to make sure I was in the right period for matches to exist. I am. Whew. In my defense, I have never read the Wheel Of Time, but yes, I can certainly change it! Perrin is now 'Puget', until I think of something better. Ah, here is where we hit some queer culture. @Mandamon slipped here too, on first read, if I recall. It is very on the nose, because A) I want M to be a little bit of a letch and B.) I wanted readers familiar with some aspects of lesbian culture to identify with her. It's good to hear about your reaction, because I know the forwardness sometimes of this particular culture would not fly in a heterosexual setting, and so it should ring strange to anyone not familiar with the culture. I guess the real question is, is it enough to throw you from the narrative, and/or to keep you from reading more, or can you pass through it on the strength of the rest of the text? I want to be true to the #ownvoices nature of the story, but not alienate heterosexual readers, either. I think I missed a transition sentence between the previous line and the question. Upon rereading, it doesn't read the way I intended. Going to fix now (although the very direct question will stay, hopefully better integrated as to better showcase that M is trying to be respectful, she just lacks tact). I think this is a line I'm going to continue to play with through the book, so your comments are extremely helpful, @Robinski, at helping me see where I need to better explain that there is a culture at play here, inside the fantasy. Hrm. Yes, I can see this. Will play with emoting more here. Thank you so much!

Thanks @Vreeah! I should probably clarify--I was thinking about free stuff that you could just pick off the table, not things you would purchase. Little things to get your attention, mostly. But sounds like the wall coverings and cover pretty much does it?

SO. If you were cruising around a con or something akin, and you saw a publishing table, what type of merch / small giveaway items would entice you A) to come over and B.) maybe to pick up the book? Bookmarks? Pins? Pens? Posters? Or is a cover enough for you to go "Oooo! Pretty!" and roll from there?

When your copy arrived to me to sign: First words: Ooooo! (I hadn't gotten my author copies yet) Second words: Let me get a pen Third words: Crap, I have to sign with my pen name and how do I make a cursive 'J'!?!

There are a few layers to this chapter, in that S directly interacts with the queer community but also does not seen anyone of similar orientation. I did not call it out on purpose, because of the nature of the story, but if you were really interested I could pull the relevant text and walk you through it. Technically, the only thing S is hiding are breasts. Gender is being displayed proudly. I like that its kind of a secret, just like real life. Queer readers will know instantly, and everyone else will have to work for it.

Overall I enjoyed it, but the interaction between Quirk and Moth wasn't all it could be, I thought. They have such amazing potential together and neither seemed to be at their best. I expected more sarcasm on both fronts, and with the way you introduced Quirk, I definitely expected him to meet some of Moth's quips with something about her lacking taste in clothes, or hair, or something. Shoes maybe? Anyway, I continue with high hopes! As I go - That’s neither accurate nor funny. I'll take this. Yup. I want it to be accurate, of course, but this is an acceptable response. The comment about his own doubt is a little abstract. Suggest instead "It wasn't her spite that he hated, but her word choice. There were many, much more graceful words for like a man in tight pants." Or something akin. Let's see that Quirk flare! - page six: that letter reads like science spam. I think I have something almost verbatim in my inbox right now. - “How do they get any contemplation done with you in residence?” She turned back and flipped him the finger. <- the previous interactions felt forced, I thought, and not too in-character. This one feels spot on - page eleven: LOL at the union quip - page twelve: Blocking confusion. Are there two androids now? Just the one still? - page thirteen: becomes clear a page later, but might want to clean up the confusion. Also, I'm with Quirk. The resolution makes the tension fall flat - reached around front and cupped him, so does Quirk like men at all? I get that he is a professional, so doing this makes sense, but if he does like men, and after all of Moth's jabs, I'd think he'd have at least a moment of pause. I'm not a guy who likes guys, but I could tell you that I've had to pat down women before and you better believe I'd hesitate before cupping one. - page fifteen: wait, why was the not-plumber sent? I've fall off the train here. To check to see if Quirk is capable? - She was only saying it now because she could see it reached him. <-- this is perfect - The Paulson thing is completely over my head right now

I don't know if you've edited since the last time I read, so I'll head in anyway. Overall Ah, fungus. Fungus. Fungus. Fungus. As I go - I still don't understand why Rilan hates her dress. If you're going to talk about her wanting to rip it off, I need context - end of page two: I think I've realized why the world building remains vague. I need like one really solid memory from Origon about the space shuttle thing. A flashback or something super substantial. Ground me in the history so I can be on the same page - page six: they're in a wooden alley? Gross. That takes the potential smell to a whole new level. Do they use these for growing the fungus they serve at Mushrooms and Spice? Cause a wet, wood alley is growing all kinds of things. You let that go too long and you know what you get? A planet full of sentient fungi. And you know how that turns out. - page seven: a giant rotting fungus? They build houses out of it? So, one that fruits something woody.... how about a ganoderma of some form? That's pretty well known, easy to carve, and perennial. You could call it a 'conk', generally. Most people know what that is - page eleven: Rilan permanently giving up part of her song to get Sam moving seems... that's a pretty heavy investment for some person who fell from the sky.

I'm a great lover of romance, and perpetually disappointed to not find the variety I like in speculative fiction (because I don't like romance novels, per se). Hence, I write what I want to read. It's meant to clash, so yay! Yeah, I agree here. Since it is addressed earlier, I've removed this section. My knowledge of guilds is based off of historic German carpentry guilds, and modern US incarnations. It's fantasy, so I have some leeway here, but if I veer too far off course, I hope you'll help me navigate back! He is an early red herring, and nothing more. I'm 60K into writing this book and he has yet to reappear. Probably not. It's a placeholder. I'm open to other names. In fact, I think I like 'royal consort' a lot more. Well, the attraction is quick. 60K in and no one has kissed anyone yet so... Sure, but what fun is that? Oooh, good idea! It's not shown, so no worries. Thank you!

Yeah, I'm not sure about the title yet. Like, I chose it for a very specific reason, in that it's the banner S is working under (and can't get out of) for this book. And then the next book would be called The Alchemist, showcasing that S finally has moved into a new phase of life. But if the gender on the first title is going to throw people off, I might change it. On the other hand, it does help ground S's sex, which maybe readers want? I'm hoping to explore this throughout this book. And in fact there were several in this chapter! Subtle though. Did you catch them? Yes good! This is where I hoped most readers would be. Unsure, but want to read to figure it out (along with M, basically, because she doesn't really get it either). I've cleaned this up. It's just the next morning. I adore S's mother, as a character. Not as a decent human being, mind, but as a character I love her. Hopefully I've cleaned this up better Noted and edited. Yay! Thank you! I look forward to your thoughts on chapter five when I sub it, because its super nerdy fungus in the forest!

Check. I'll poke this. I'm happy someone other than me is nerding out over it!! If this is the only instance of the name, do you think it can stay? I just found the blend too enticing to pass up. Yes! It should get better in chapter four, but yes, I wanted this to be a journey for S on several fronts, including self-motivation. Hrm. Supposed to be diagonal. I'll try to better explain. Thank you for the comments!

I think you're just missing the consent part. The grabbing scene could be okay, if there was more broadcasting before hand, and we clearly saw some nonverbal communication from L that she wants physical touch from J, and that J sees that and takes the opportunity. But just grabbing a woman and hauling her into a crowd, no matter how dashing your smile is, is assault if there is no consent.

Overall The interaction between Laurea and Janus still doesn't ring true for me. He's still a little bit of a creeper, and Laurea's character isn't firm enough in my mind to real get a read on her at all. I agree completely. I think I'm on the same page as @Mandamon on this (no surprise). The interplay is better than before, if I recall, but still off. As I go - the odour composed of aging fish, fresh tar and not-quite-dry seaweed +1 for appropriate use of coal tar creosote, although if this is supposed to be an advanced civilization and not a primitive one, they'd likely have much better preservatives - top of page three, I'm getting weary of scenery - Page three: Laurea is kind of book one Hermione Granger right now, without the endearments - she just takes Celatain's words at face value? Do they not have crime in this world? - page four: this is starting to ring more like The Steerswoman - page five: I remain concerned about Celatain (Janus??) grabbing Laurea and dragging her through the crowd. If you were trying for romance prior, it was starting up, but this just kills any chance, in my mind. He could have offered a charming hand for her to accept--that would have worked. But just hauling? Nope. - page six: yeah, if Laurea is going to be okay with Janus doing this, we need some thought earlier about how much she likes his arms or something, and have him clearly catching on to that - page seven: I read 'goldfruit' as 'godfruit' and had a moment of uncertainty about whose story I was reading ( @Mandamon ) - page eight: with all Laurea's doe-eyes, I'm surprised she reacts to the dinner invitation with a why. I would think she would squeal or something - He enjoys a challenge? She's fawning all over him. Not a challenge - the end falls flat for me. She turns him down, but if she was concerned about the romance thing, why was she so okay with all his flirting earlier?

Yes but this is why you have me, your right hand person, to pick up the slack.

TWD is dark adult fantasy, and also likely the result of being forced to watch too much Disney recently, thanks to my two year old daughter. This is draft zero. I’m sorry for that. Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. This is also my first experiment with first person, so be warned there. Also be warned that I am delving much deeper into #ownvoices land with the protag than I usually do. I tried really hard to have S emote better in this installment. Please tell me I’m at least making progress!

So, erm, guess I'll do it? I held down the fort once, I can do it again! We have four for Monday: @Mandamon, @Eagle of the Forest Path, @Robinski, and myself.

Would also like to sub on the 6th

Hmm. My read on Quirk right now is that he is pretty self-assured in his actions and thoughts. He feels no shame or embarrassment when he admires that man's butt in the early chapter, which to me sounded like a man who knew what he liked. If you want him to be somewhat closeted, I could see him making excuses to himself like 'I admire beauty no matter the form' or something akin. Then there could be some later internal monologue about his progression into 'maybe it's more than admiration... a well chiseled form...' Anyway, if the above were the case, his reaction to Moth would likely be more defensive in dismissal. “Not a child, Mr. Queer.” The girl, Angelika (Yeah, right.), looked up from under dark brows, her eyes red and her cheeks damp, but she was angry now. So was he; one could take pride in one's appearance and admire the occasionally well-shaped arse without wanting to *expletive* it. Of course if you do that, you're setting up a reader promise that Quirk will be doing some self discovery as the piece progresses. Which really, I think would play well into the Moth dynamic, because my goodness, her snide remarks every time Quirk's eyes flick sideways at a gentleman... If you want to stick with the self-doubt as you wrote it, I think you'd need to trail more of that earlier on. Right now Quirk carries himself pretty strongly, so to so suddenly have us blasted with self-doubt reads funny. Yes, his queerness could be his sore spot, but somehow I can't see him being so open, even with himself, about that sore spot. Did that make any sense? I think I got rambly. You might want to read a M/M romance by a male author just to get a feel for what exactly would be admired, too. I can't help on that front (but I can recommend some authors).

@Silk congratulations! That sounds amazing! I'd very much like to read it. Let us know when it is available for ILL/purchase? @Robinski I can do trains! I doubt one person's preference would sway the WE organizers, but if by chance they are lurking and reading this... But yeah, I get monstrously sick, even on big boats. I can do very small boats like kayaks because I can control the movement to some extent, but nothing much bigger than that.

Darn you both! I've spent the whole day thinking about how fun it would be to meet up, and then being crushed every time I remember it's on a boat.

Would you say the tension suffers because there is no real thread from the guards? Or can the chapter stand alone without that part? Thank you for the feedback! Note though - remember, S isn't female, so female pronouns shouldn't be used. Per above if you need to use a pronoun, 'they' will work fine for S.

Dragon has made a brand spanking new thread for this conversation. I suggest we all pack up and move over there. With that said, @neongrey, @industrialistDragon, and I are all speaking the same language here. We do so in different ways, certainly, but all with the same main message. #ownvoices in fiction matters. Respect for marginalized people, pronouns, and how apologies work, matters. The language you use and how you type it, matters. All three of us are (I'm pretty sure), white, so we're not paragons of virtuous Social Justice Warriors ourselves, but all three of us are from marginalized communities of one form or another. We live every day having to fight to be heard, having to fight for dignity, having to fight to just be ourselves. It's hard. It is vitally important to understand that when someone on here uses the wrong pronoun, or makes harmful assumptions, or uses words that hurt, that isn't the first time we've had that happen this month, or this week, or even today. We only have so much bandwidth. We only have so much empathy and ability to educate the privileged when there is a huge internet out there one can access with a browser and a keyword. We have to keep calling people out, because otherwise privilege continues unchecked, but we do not need to do so with patience or politeness. That we do so is a testament to how much we value this forum and the friendships we have made, but also means our tempers are that much closer to breaking for the next person we encounter, five minutes down the line. I know it is hard to break out of the worldview you were handed at birth. I'm white. I get it. I know being told that your words are ableist or racist can often be heard as you are ableist or racist, but that's not it. You can have the best of intentions and still get it wrong. If someone calls you out, of course at first your feathers are ruffled. That's human nature. But just take a step back, breathe, reconsider. Google. Ask for clarification if needed after you've googled. It's okay to misstep! When you do, just apologize and learn from it. This forum has grown in simply amazing ways since I first joined, and I hope it will continue to do so. But as we get more and more people, so too will the diversity grow. We have to be able to grow along with that, so we can make this a vibrant community where all feel welcomed and heard. That will take a lot of patience and probably some hard conversations, but its something I think RE can do if it wants to.

TLDR: Write what you want, but do so with research and respect, and understand that you will never write a character as well as someone who is from that character's lane. Awesome post, Dragon!

Normally with teasers like this, there is at least some context. This one has no context, so I am likely to forget it altogether, as it doesn't hold my attention. Even just one more sentence or even an adjective alluding to it would be helpful.

If I didn't hate boats so much I'd say let's plan this ASAP!