kais

Overall Definitely better than the first time around! The issues are different now, mostly detailed below. I found the first half or so very slow--seemingly character building without direction. The second part was better, but I don't have a feel enough yet for the young men to get swept up in their youthful righteousness. I need more about the world I think, and less banter at the beginning. Nice work on improving! As I go - page one: forestry nerd alert! Your leaves have fungus! - page one: first sentence, even first two paragraphs have no hook. If this is chapter one, I need something to get me invested - page two: this 'marry a wife' thing. This implies that females do not have coming of age ceremonies. I've become wary. - page four: too many names. Blur. - page five: the banter and worry has gone on for too long. It's very hard to keep from skimming - page eight: Their reaction to the beating seems a little... out of place. If women are wives without COA rites, then wife-beating is a plausible trait for this community - page fourteen: I have mixed feelings about this scene. It has decent tension, but the interest of the young men in the beating/killing seems, well, maybe I just don't know enough about them to see why they are so invested and why we as readers should be so invested.

No LBLs, so general impressions below. I really enjoyed the Sister Giulia perspective. Moth seemed pretty two dimensional in this one, and Quirk seemed more, I don't know, tech-y maybe? I was expecting him to comment on the sleekness of design or something akin. A number of the early voices sounded very similar. Sister Giulia's was the one that really stood out to me. I didn't pick up the subtext from either of the characters in the S10-E19 bit. I caught some wiffs, but not enough to really figure out what was going on. These exercises are fun to read! It's neat to watch your characters develop in such a compact way! ETA: I see your specific questions above. Yes, I did get the core idea from the ten narratives. I enjoyed hearing about the androids from multiple perspectives and it gave me a solid feel for the world.

OMG yes. Editors are amazing and do an insane amount of work! Having a good fit for an editor is important as well for sure.

Yes, I'm out. Someone can have my spot.

Fair. I did a fair amount of skimming in the middle, which is the only reason I made it through.

I'm out for Monday. Edits in on ASD from my editor so I need to get those incorporated before I sub anything here.

Yeah, it really dragged at that point. It's worth getting through it. I found the end satisfying enough to keep the book instead of putting it into a little lending library. Maybe give it another go? Or I can just spoil the (pretty obvious) ending for you if you'd prefer.

If you ever wanted to know the difference between editor feedback on a book you've been subbing and refining for a year (and had numerous R&Rs) versus one that's been through light beta work only, it's... it's significant. It's significant at P<0.0001 and holy wah I may never leave my computer again. Just wanted to share. ASD - time to take you apart and make you better, faster, stronger.

I believe I am auto-entered because I was bumped last week.

What a fantastic idea! I've just finished The Night Circus, by Erin Morgenstern. I'd have not willingly entered into this book had it not been the next pick of my book club, and I avoided it until almost the last minute. I'm just not a 'novel' reader, generally. I like explosions and spaceships and magic. So I was very surprised by this book. Not only was it an utterly enjoyable read, but it really pointed out a number of things that I have struggled with as a writer. For instance: POV chapters and POV character introductions - I have in the past felt like 'if you're an established writer you can get away with multiple POV swaps and chapters, if you're new you can't' deals. Morgenstern is a nationally bestselling author, and she does have a large number of POV characters. I realized when reading this, finally, why agents were always so down on my multiple POV chapters. It's hard to stay engaged with the story! You get invested in one set of characters, then BOOM, here's another that you really don't give a hoot about because you want to know what happened to the previous one. Good books make it worth your while in the end, with the POV characters weaving together to create a fuller narrative (and Circus does that), but it was so frustrating in the beginning! I've never paid attention to how much I skim through books when POV chapter shifts happen. I have never liked this writing style, and now that I'm conscious of it I know why! I did really appreciate the descriptive writing in this book. I find myself challenged by descriptive writing, always wanting to get to the action. This book dealt with a lot of senses, and Morgenstern's writing brought everything to the front. I got hungry reading her descriptions of food, I saw colors in her descriptions, could smell the musty old books and ink when she discussed them. It was lovely, and I wanted to sit and revel in the language. It's this level of imagery writing I'd like to be better at. One thing I didn't get from this book was voice. I struggle with this in my writing, and it is a common comment of agents on my submissions (which is funny, because in my nonfiction writing I am often accused of having too much voice). I didn't feel much voice in this book, which didn't help my current study of 'what gives authors voice in a piece'. I'll have to keep reading and see if I can stumble onto some other examples. Also also, I read a ton, and I think this is an amazing thread, so I plan to be all over it. Hope to see lots from you all as well!

Welcome to the forum! As an aside, if this is a finished work and is #ownvoices, you could pitch it during the upcoming #DVpit! Overall There are a fair number of cliches throughout, and no clear purpose or plot. Clearing up both of those issues would really make this a strong piece. I agree that your first chapter was the strongest, but it needs some reformatting as well. Also, note that this submission has a distinct gender imbalance, and does not pass the Bechdel Test. Great to have you here! Can't wait to see where edits take you! As I go - tense change, page four - page six and before: a lot of tears here that just crop up without warning - this metahuman part at the end doesn't have much impact. You might want to move it sooner, or even make it your opening line. Right now there isn't any context for why we care about this protag. Yes, they are depressed, but what is the purpose of us seeing this particular scene? - page nine: it'd be more fun if you didn't come out and say Bret is a meta. Rather, show us through more imagery like the mist - page twelve: half way through, and I'm still not certain what the journey is here, or plot - page 14: the red head is the bully? This along, with many of the other people descriptions, is really cliche. Considering varying up some things to keep it fresh - page sixteen: still not sure where this is going - page sixteen: This is where students usually waited for the bus after school, ate their lunch on nice days, or made-out with their girlfriend that week <--- are students only male? Check the implicit bias here please - page 22: so wait, is Brent also black? Is that the purpose of the 'literally black and white' comment earlier? - page 27: weren't they having taco salad, not chicken parmesan?

Overall I like this much better than the last version! Still wanted to skim some areas, but less than before. Some bumps, noted below. I like Vulcan thus far, and his calm and low word count set him up to be a viable love interest should Atena swing for the men. Nice work! As I go - page one: still not convinced about this 'it's just something I have to do' thing. Why?? - page eight: 'fungus-covered head': so if these spores give a sickness, one would think they were bacterial spores. Here you have fungi things, so are the spores fungal?? - page five: so I'm now having to force myself to not skim BUT with these battle scenes I usually have to force myself to not skim much earlier in the narrative. You're keeping my attention longer, and I am more invested in the battle now that I have some idea of what is going on and who the players are. Nice work! - page six: ooh, consequences and Atena is frozen. Love it - page eight: hmm, I would ship Vulcan/Atena - page eight: I was ready to be really engaged when Atena said she needed time away, and then she just asked for a week. Would love to see her really try to leave the fighting behind. Recognize her own limitations, say 'I need to leave it forever' or something like that, then get reluctantly pulled back in when something happens she just can't ignore. That'd be amazing.

Overall Well the beginning was a bit choppy but you fell into a groove after about page five and the story went really well! It had good tension, good flow, and I really enjoyed it. There are some inconsistencies and dangling issues, but overall I think you're doing a great job! As I go - page two: the cloud swinging imagery is great! The writing is a bit choppy, but that is an easy fix - page seven: good tension here. I'm really engaged - page nine: why doesn't she wonder about the male voice she heard? Has she already forgotten? - page twelve: why is her grandfather not asking how Sira got that far into town??? - not sure I feel the 'I hate you' so much at the end

Overall The second two were better glances into the world, although I still don't know much about the twins and their motivations. I think these little shorts were a good way to explore their characters, and I'd encourage you to do a few more with some light conflict to see how they respond. I think the three shorts are consistent, which is both good and bad. The dream sequences always seem excessively flowery, if you'll forgive the pun, and I have to work hard not to skim. I understand you are world building, and it might just be personal preference on my part, but I'd love to see a bit of the wandering in those scenes cut so the dreams had more impact and the tension wasn't cut down. I liked them! Glad to see the twins developing more and get a view into their world! As I go - page one: Many long teeth dug uselessly into the lance while black gunk pooled on the corridor floor. This is a very vague sentence. Would prefer actual numbers and description of the 'gunk'. - page two: I don't feel any tension. There is a lot of imagery, which is nice, but overwhelming to the point of killing the tension - page two: this first section is sort of meh for me. - page three: the second section gives decent information on the dream things. I like it - page five: I am overcome with adorable at their twin knight speech

@cadebengert, tagging just in case you didn't see @Silk's post above.

That early on in a book is usually a deal breaker for me. Since there is no investment in the characters it is usually there to build a character, which I do not approve of. Fridging in all its forms is just bad writing.

I spend a book and a half building to about 3/4 of a sex scene. I figured that was probably well within most people's tolerance levels, but wanted to check anyway. Personally I get pretty miffed if romance is an element to a story and there isn't at least some action. It doesn't have to be Anne Rice levels of action, but something in the Lynn Flewellig area at least. And yeah, I would assume that anyone who has read even a snippet of one of my posts would not be too concerned about issues of consent in my books. I hope.

Got to see first draft of the map for AFD today! Wormholes everywhere!

But what we consider adult varies even amongst Earth cultures. You get to set the tone for your world through your word choice. If people are adults at 16 in your world, then he is a man. He might feel like a boy, and this could come across in his thoughts and actions, but if he is adult age, unless he gives characters a reason to otherwise, they should call him a man and treat him as such (at least initially).

@Ernei this thread is perfect for this type of question. At 15, it would tell a lot about the culture of the world you are building based upon what word you used. Call him a 'boy' and we know that adulthood is considered later in your world. Call him a man, and we might assume that lifespan is a bit shorter and adulthood comes early. I think you could interchange young man and man, but probably not young man with boy. Others might have a different opinion, however.

I'm particularly interested in hearing from the 'standard' (if that can be said) sci fi reader: how much sex, implied or detailed, do you want/expect in the books you read? If there is a romance involved, do you prefer a fade to blackout or closed door approach, or do you want the author to detail? Even if you don't care for such scenes, would you tolerate, say, one per book? This is for adult books, mind, intended for standard adult audiences. Would love to hear everyone's thoughts!

There were some I didn't bother to point out. You want a Track Changes LBL?

@Tariniel just put an '@' sign before the name. A list will appear and you can select the correct person from it.

@Vreeah CP nudge!

I just get hung up on the spores thing. Spores are from fungi, and many fungi produce mycotoxins. Many mycotoxins are dangerous to people to varying degrees. If you were looking for something 'solid' to hang this magic system upon, mycotoxins would be a solid idea. Fungal spores are airborne, ubiquitous, and hard to ID without very specific knowledge. You'd either have to do some serious research though to get your chemistry right, or work with a mycologist on setting up the system. Of course, this might parallel your magic system (research causes you physical or mental pain, yet you persist to write this story...). In regards to the seeds thing - I have a dear friend who spitballs this stuff with me all the time. It is so useful when you have a base idea but need little developments to get it flushed out. I use my Facebook feed a lot too when I just need smaller seeds. Very useful!