kais

Woah. Okay okay, I'm going to step in here and thread hijack a bit (with apologies to Mandamon for it). And I'm going to talk about some things that may make people upset, or have gut reactions, and I want to ask you to just take a step back and breathe, and consider. I also want to be very clear here that I am not specifically talking about this thread or the conversation herein. I am discussing threads collectively, throughout my time here on RE. If you (I mean collectively you here) will recall, we had a blow up on the board not too terribly long ago, regarding poor representation in fiction, and @neongrey's response. If you will also recall, I stepped in and tried to explain her side, and was met with some resistance, and eventually understanding. So what you didn't see offscreen was me chatting with neon, about how valuable her contribution is here, and how important her voice is, and about critique tone and how we could manage to keep her here without censoring her voice. After that, you may have noted that she began bowing out of crits at a certain point, (please correct me if I am misrepresenting you, @neongrey) when she was too upset, too angry, or the material was just downright too offensive to deal with. She is doing this because you, the board asked her to do so. Reading Excuses is a fantastic forum, with a tight family of writers, and we do great work together. However, there are no people of color here (unless they're lurking and if so hiiiiiii!) Most of the writers are cis-male. So the feedback we all get on here is from a very, very limited POV, and serves to really reinforce the norm. Neon and I are queer (and so my examples below are queer, but please insert disability, race, ethnicity, etc in place as needed). Our flavors may differ but as many of you have noted, we tend to be much more vocal about certain forms of representation on here. We are offering windows into worlds many of you do not work in, and, as writers, when these windows are given we should always take a look through. Sometimes those windows come with anger. A lot of times those windows come with anger. They come with anger because cis, het, white authors come to this world and argue with us about our worldview. As if it isn't valid. As if we have to defend how we see the world, because it isn't how they see the world. Now I want you to imagine that you had to do this (we're all writers, we have good imaginations). Now imagine you had to do this every day. Imagine you want to participate in forums for writing, but every other writer on there is queer, and they don't have any real background in cis het world, and they always write characters that need correcting. And they expect you to do that correcting because hey, you are the one that came to the forum, so instead of doing their own research, they just want you to explain it to them. Some of us are happy to do that. Some of us are not. But assuming that we have to do it because we are a part of a group isn't okay. Minorities don't owe the world anything, especially the writing world that has for too long diminished their voices. If you write problematic characters (and we ALL do), it is YOUR job to either A) take the critique that is given and fix it or B.) do the work ahead of time so these problems don't occur. You do not get to say you don't like how a critique is delivered, and then get mad when you aren't getting the critiques you want. What I'm trying to point out is this: Neon's voice is valuable here. A lot of you don't seem to realize just how valuable that is, because she doesn't deliver her points as gently as I do. You get direct reactions from her and as a writer, that is gold. Please value those critiques, and her attempts to deliver them. She is trying her best to keep her responses palatable, but on the other end, we have to be open to actually hearing what she is saying, and not demanding she do more, especially when the forum has already smacked her hands once. You can't have it both ways, RE. That, right there, is the definition of privilege.

I realize I'm eight years or so behind on podcasts, but I was really frustrated today listening to Writing Excuses. They were talking about how in Return of the Jedi, the original plan was to have the Falcon destroyed (which would have taken Lando with it). And they discussed the reasons why this was a bad idea, and the focus groups thinking this was a bad idea (though no specifics from the focus groups). They discussed the problems of blowing up an iconic ship, even without Han on it, and no one caring about the copilot dying because it was an NPC. No where, not once, did anyone mention that maybe people were upset about the Falcon blowing up, and maybe it was a terrible idea, because it would have killed the only black character in the universe. I kept expecting it to come up, maybe have it 'can of worms' for an other episode maybe of 'problematic tropes', but nothing. Nothing. None of them saw the death of the one black character, which is very widely known to be a very racist and problematic trope, as something worth mentioning. I'm just... I'm just so disappointed.

It's a good world building chapter, but still lacks a major arc. I think if we dealt with Sam's reactions more, especially his agoraphobia, that would help, or if he had to bumble around some before meeting Majus, that would help, too. Right now its more of a 'look at this stuff isn't it neat' chapter, instead of a 'tension building early chapter working on hook'. I think you can get away with look around chapters later, once the reader is well into the book, but early they might dissuade continued reading. As I go - The epigraph: people are just leaving soil from all these worlds about? Intergalactic APHIS must be working overtime. - the Aunt martha stuff isn't really explored. I feel disconnected from Sam because I'm not getting a lot of his feelings. Also, Martha is pretty clearly dead and he should be reacting to that - He felt light, free. Outside. It flitted through his mind as his heart raced. Sam’s joints locked and he flattened to the dirt like a squashed toad, trying to hold on, to keep from falling up into the sky. I need some transitions or something here. These two sentences are in complete disagreement. - halfway through page two is when I start to feel engaged with this chapter. Might cut stuff before to get to this quicker - first paragraph top of page three: the agoraphobia needs to come out a lot more. Still seems really mild and not really debilitating - page four is slow. I think you could cut most of it and not lose any context - page five: 'southern' is not a proper noun - aunt Martha stuff is better the farther in we get, for sure - The Majus really takes the agoraphobia thing in stride and offers a tidy solution. It feels convenient. I want Sam to really struggle

This is by far the most powerful writing I have seen from you. You should lead your book with this, because it is such an amazing hook. I would buy this book at this point, hands down. I agree with @Mandamon that this can't come halfway through. There hasn't been much character development to date and this is the sort of thing we've been missing. It's excellent. More, please! As I go - I was adoring the first dream descriptions until this part: It was a type of music by itself, and as foreign to the ears as an unknown language. Suggest cutting this line. It detracts from the rest. - page five: I have a lot of confusion over how long dreams last. If the sister died, why was the dream song still there?

We can't just skip to the nudity? No? Bah. Fine. Overall Nothing technically to gripe about. The dialogue was clean and the pace reasonable. Exceptions below. I left the chapter feeling like something was missing, however, like the chapter promised something it didn't deliver. I don't know what that would be, other than maybe an upping of stakes or tension at the end, so I apologize that I can't be more clear. I think you've got the descriptions down well now, and Savae delights, as always! As I go - I do enjoy the makeup and dressing descriptions in the first two pages. I think you've found a good balance. - also enjoying the back and forth banter on page two - by the end of page three I'm getting bored with the carriage ride. It's not that the dialogue is boring. In fact it is interesting, but the length is too long, I think. By the top of page four my mind started to wander, even though I wanted to read the text. - end of page five. Too many introductions and names. Having a hard time keeping them in my mind - LOL Savae. Never gets old. Drinking and watching people boink. Excellent. - page nine: the bracelet glass still confuses me. I thought it just had some cordial left in it? But its blood?

Congratulations!!!

Granted, I do not read heavily in the steampunk sub-genre, but what I have read has glossed over mechanics pretty thoroughly for coolness. Adding even a little credulity would go a long way, I think, but it doesn't have to be a patentable design by any means.

You'll have to forgive me, because it has been a long time since I read this and we've been through a number of revisions. I think this is the first revision? If so, from what I remember, the wife was problematic because she lacked any form of agency. She was a lens through which we learned and gained empathy for the husband. She had to be led. She had to have things explained to her. This version did not pass the 'Sexy Lampshade' test. It was still fridging because her death drove her husband into a berserker rage and was used to develop his character. In the last round of this story the issue was completely removed and the whole thing worked. Basically to not be fridging, she can still die (certainly!) but her death needs to not be the sole driving force for a male, nor drive reader sympathy into an otherwise flat character. It was the husbands rage fight thing that really put it over the top for fridging. BUT with that said, I did some LBLs with @TKWade, who is a real sport, and we worked through the issue. The ending in his most recent is fridge free, Allandria is a real person, and the narrative really cleaned up!

Yes please @Robinski!

Overall The intro went well and there was a good pace. The end seemed rushed, and I think you could cut several pages earlier on and use them to help with the ending. Charlotte's choice at the end remains confusing for me, in terms of motivation. I don't understand why she chooses it. I think a lot of my other feelings are summed up by @Mandamon's comments, so I'll leave off. And I agree with @rdpulfer about the end needing more build up. It is far too sudden and leaves many questions about why and her motivations. As I go - some rough sentences and awkward wording in that first page - page three: I do have a serious 'huh'? moment with her being given a drug that needs a month to work when she is already overdue to die - end of page three: you're repeating information here, about the parents having cancer. This part is more meaningfully presented, so I suggest deleting earlier references to it and leaving this here. Deleting earlier references would also help the narrative have more punch early on - page five: I have disbelief that the pill acted that fast. I think more tension could be built if she swallows, does something mundane like the dishes, and events start to build around her - the pain description on page seven is... vague. I'd like more concrete descriptions - page nine: if all reason left Charlotte, why did she still want to go to see the doctor? - page 12: the 'get the spiel out' dialogue kills tension. There is a bit of mystery (inevitability, but some mystery) before this, and the informal dialogue sort of brings it all down - end: she chose to end more lives by allowing a murderer to live??

AFD comes out February 27th! I'll post links when preorder is up, maybe in a few days? Unsure. Yes, I would love it if you did an announcement on the FB page! I didn't know there was one. Now I have to go find it...

I'd like to sub on Monday pending space

So, you know, just going around the internets and I thought, hrm, that sure does look like a spiffy cover... COVER REVEAL!

Oh for sure! I LOVED her writing style and I would adore another chance to read something. Maybe just not the same world? Ugh, its hard because I'm looking back more fondly on the book post reading, and I like it the longer I am away from it. Yet I still don't have motivation to read the next. So yeah, something in another world, or even same world with different character, I would totally do. NEW BOOK I just finished - The Bone Flower Throne by TL Morganfield. Uh. Yeah. This book was on my Amazon wishlist, meaning someone at some point recommended that I read it. That someone and I should probably talk. The funny thing is, it was a good story, and rich, and the characters were great! But it didn't escalate. I think there's some general rule somewhere (maybe I'll get to this in one of the RE podcasts) about steadily increasing stakes in a book. Building tension and all that. I think most of us manage it alright, even as new authors. This book... it didn't. This author needed a meaner editor. It starts off strong. Great hook, great tension, stakes escalating for like the first four chapters them BAM. We're in a holding pattern of the same old same old for the rest of the book. It was boring. The characters were still great. The culture was great. Everything was great but about 100 pages in I found myself reading solely for the POINT, that point where things really go to gravy and everyone is scrambling and OMG EVERYTHING WILL END! That never came. And when it didn't come, and the book ended, I felt cheated. Like there had been all these promises and all this great character work and this is such an amazing world and... we're still at the same tension level as chapter three. SO, lesson learned. Increase stakes because otherwise book is boring. Severely boring. So boring I don't ever want to read anything else by this author. I feel like I'm really critical of books on here, so I should probably clarify that I'm trying to do the intended 'reading like writers' thing, and not just gush about the awesome things in the book. And I'm not a book snob, I swear. I mean, one of my favorite series is The Black Jewels Trilogy, which is... well I don't often admit to having read it let alone having tattered copies about my house so...

Actually, even in ep 7, season one, they started talking about more female authors, so all is well. Just some beginning lag I think.

I'm going to have to start a shelf just for RE books!

I finally started listening to the Writing Excuses podcast. I'm six episodes in and... I don't have a lot of motivation to keep listening. At what point do these three men either get a female commentator (I know there is one because I've heard people talk about her) and/or use female characters as an example? I just finished a podcast talking about hero versus protag versus main character, wherein they used Star Wars. Major discussion of Han versus Luke, then moved on to Superman, Spiderman... and I'm literally yelling at my phone "WHAT ABOUT LEIA, DURN IT!" (I didn't actually say 'durn'). I can remember literally one reference to a female character across these episodes, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, wherein they mentioned the show and not even its title character. Mary Jane was mentioned once as a handicap. That's it. It's not a lot of motivation to keep listening. I feel disappointed.

I finally finished Ancillary Justice. I... have mixed feelings. LOVE the writing style. Very easy to read and engaging. I didn't care for the chapters flipping between present and past (which is exactly what I've done with ATD, so lesson learned there). I was so engaged with present that I didn't care about past. I was much more engaged when the timelines synced. I did love the gender perspective, and I can see why it won awards. I'm not disappointed I read it, but it didn't hook me enough to read any of the others in the series. Which, I suppose, is the real trick to a series. It tied up well at the end. There was no pressing OMG BUT WHAT ELSE? to make me want to go buy the next book. Good to note, for series, and makes me wonder if I did the same mistake with AFD. I expect you all to tell me.

Ah, we meet again, chapter one. Overall Much improved! Better flow, awesome tension, and the characters are rounder. Still some choppy bits, but that's to be expected and can be cleaned up readily. Glad to see you subbing again on the board! I have to figure out when to jump over to my new WIP, too, since eventually ATD needs to go to my editor. As I go - having the benefit of reading this before, I find the epigraph conflicts with the first line. If we assume that the events in Chapter one are Sam's doing (as the epigraph would have us believe), is it the reading of the book that triggers it? The book reading seems to calm. Is he reading sheet music maybe? A book about a famous musician? Even in the first full paragraph, I'm not sure what the 'trigger' is as alluded to in the epigraph - If he opened it, it wouldn’t be like he was outside. Took me three readings to figure out what you meant here. Might want a sentence before it to help draw out this meaning - His aunt wanted him to go to a real college instead of one online, but he needed more time. Then he could get out of the house again. Suggest one additional clarifying sentence in here. Still reads a little to vague, even on second readthrough - page three: aunt versus great aunt... wouldn't age be a giveaway? - page five: the tension is building a lot faster and clearer in this version, and Aunt Martha has become a bit spooky. Love it - with that said, her death feels a little overdramatic. Her frailty seems very sudden. Earlier it felt implied that she sort of knew what was going on, then her character seems to change to fragile old woman. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, but might want to ease one into the other - the descent (ascent?) into the other world happens with much more fluidity this time

ARCs = Advanced Review Copies They're the page proofs that get sent out for reviews and to the author to do a final check for errors. It's the final stage before release, and usually (though not always) coincides with preorder time. My schedule isn't synced quite like that, however, because the first ARCs I saw had issues with the cover, so we're doing another round before anything else happens.

Well in that case.... I HAVE ARCs!!

In line for the 16th.

Overall I really like the rewrites, especially with Lasila and her brother. Now I really see their relationship, and the character traits in Lasila you often mentioned in crit responses, but I never saw come out of text. A bit of the Savae scene still confused me, but very minor. Overall this cleaned up really well. As I go - Ch8: love the line about 'commissioning a human' - I'm enjoying the playing with clay and debating assassination all the same time - I'm still a little lost in those last few paragraphs of chapter 8, but that might be WRS more than anything else - Ch9: ah, the grounding in the childhood relationships makes me care a lot more about the interaction between these two. Yes, and now the him leaving part actually resonates - that first page two interlude is perfect. Lasila as a character really comes through. I can see her juvenile selfishness along with her hurt, and for the first time have an actual understanding of the brother - running back and forth the while time did you mean 'whole' time? You've also got an 'fo' instead of an 'of' two lines up - page three: yes, that is quite melodramatic. I stumbled on that part - it ends on a very sweet note

Overall You're doing a lot better with your ending sentences, in that they're ending as a hook. The issue is that the segments are not long enough for me to ever get a handle on the plot, or what is really at stake. The dream garbs too, are so interesting, and I want to really see them, but their descriptions are always sort of glossed over. You might consider making them less expansive so you can spend some time really detailing how they work and what they look like. Also, fair warning below, while it is well understood that physics and I are not friends (my eternal apologies to @Robinski and @Mandamon), trees, machetes, these things I know. There might be a small freak out below. As I go - page two: Why does he need to be there for Sophia? She seems fine. Reading a bit farther, does she have something magical in her blood that can't be found out? I'm a little confused. - page three: that first segment could use some punching up. It just sort of wanders. Its good information, it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere - page five: woah woah WOAH there. He felled a tree with a single swing of a machete? Was it actually a clump of grass? Machetes are really useful, don't get me wrong, but you don't fell anything with them, not with a single swing. Machete action is very wrist snapping and mean to segment off strips. They're also flimsy sheets of metal and there is no way a machete would cut through even a sapling, unless we're talking a four-year-old twig that is the height of your knee (and at that point, just step on it). #woodnerd #iuseamacheteforaliving - the wood and bark combine to make a grey railing? Eh? They working with American beech? Not a lot of grey-barked trees in the world

@Ernei and @Mandamon I'll have a cover reveal at some point. Right now I have to work on design edits and approve the cover. It's close!