Eagle of the Forest Path

But who can we rely on to count up the votes?

In defense of the Dragon (oh, that's not a bad title for something, actually): facetiousness and the internet aren't a good combination. It's a better reaction if you use smileys as a catalyst, but that's still no guarantee.

Wow, things have certainly sped up some. A lot more suspense and/or action in these two chapters than in what came before. And holy shards! I've only just noticed the binary chapter numbers! Like the wall-poster says, I guess there really are "only 10 kinds of people in the world"... some are just slower at it than others. Am I correct in assuming that all the off-worlders use "Sol" and Earth residents will be referring to "the sun". If so, nice bit of characterization. I'm not especially fond of the policewoman's accent, but it's not at a level where it actually becomes bothersome. It's clear the cop knows who Q. is and why he's there, so I don't understand the detour with asking him to "explain his presence". Q.'s just been kidnapped by a (presumably crooked) cop working for a mob boss, why is he so calm in the cab? It could just be in his character, but if an actual person told me he were thinking about various romantic entanglements in a situation like that, I'd recommend psychiatric help, and not for trauma counseling. "massive d___ of the private variety", that got a massive lol The "65 days earlier" segment is well written, very visceral (ironically, since the POV character appears to be a disembodied head). It's pretty interesting to look at M. from G.'s perspective, especially since it establishes her as an unreliable narrator. I'm seeing a number of parallels here between G. and Q., is that intentional? "a debt, of gratitude.”, nice use of the comma for emphasis. "G. seemed to be chewing at something in his mouth.", he was chewing at something; unless I'm mistaken, we're in his POV right then. Also, if you're chewing at something, chances are it's going to be in your mouth, so you can leave that out. Wow, that poison spit came out of the blue. Finally, you've left out some required commas or added unnecessary ones, but mainly I'd like to say that there are place I think you'd be better served with em dashes instead of commas. "...had established—completely between the lines—that they..." for example. Overall a very enjoyable read, I'm looking forward to what happens next.

Ah, okay, thanks.

Okay, my 1 week cool-down period is over, so I can reply to your comments (spoilered for oversight). neongrey kaisa Mandamon rdpulfer Hobbit shadowkissed Robinski I gather there's still a lot of work to be done on this chapter, but you were all kind enough to also point out some positive things, so I'm hopeful it'll get there eventually. Thank you everybody for the feedback, it will be very useful for the next version.

This is a good read, and Moth is a really fun character. I do have a few line-by-line comments: p27 "Moth wanted to ask Grimes questions..." this paragraph seems a bit out of character for Moth. She's usually a lot more self-obsessed. p29 "non-judgemental, voice", lose the comma p30 "laser pest control system" ... awesome p31 "Perhaps, per favour", I got "per favore" out of google translate for "please", did you maybe leave your autocorrect on? p32 "appled©", I assume in analogy of "googled"? p32 "They made eye contact and the woman", lost word p32 "and walked over as 2:00pm buzzed", lost word p33 "so the envelope slid(e) onto the table", past tense p33 "wandering around the cathedral", not "wondering" I'm looking forward to the next installment.

Hello again, Here's another first chapter of Jet Black Medium. It's a different chapter 1 from the I submitted last time: I rearranged them to have a more obvious 'direction' to the story. I'll be submitting a revised version of the previous chapter 1 as "chapter 2" next. I've no particular issues requiring feedback this time, so your general impressions will suffice. Summary: Prologue Chapter 1 (Chapter 2 Enjoy reading, Eagle.

Considering that as little as a century ago it wasn't very unusual (in western Europe at least) to have a dozen kids in a family, or up to 3 dozen (counting miscarriages, infant deaths and widowers remarrying younger women), 7 seems a bit on the conservative side. Then again those were the boom years of an industrialising society. It largely depends on the morals and resources of the society you're writing, more available food generally means more kids, less labour-intensive production methods means less kids, and so on...

I'll throw my hat in the ring for the 13th as well.

In an attempt to defuse the situation... @neongrey, could you suggest a book you feel does do a good job of handling these issues? It's a decent start to tear down bad examples, but without holding up a good one in comparison, its hard for something constructive to be achieved.

Besides, one can assume that the "big bad" would also be an actor... kind of takes the tension off. A more divergent take could be that for some reason the powers stop going away after a shoot.

@kaisa & @neongrey, ah yes, I'd forgotten about naming option 4: sticking an adjective in front of it. I'm going to have to reject that (in this case). Since - as neongrey pointed out - my setting is basically Waterworld(1995), I could put "sea-" in front of everything. But because the people in my story don't really have any alternative to sea-products, it feels illogical to me they would feel the need to qualify that something comes from the sea. It would sort of be like saying steaks are cow-beef. I could go with alternative oil sources, like whale oil (or other big seacreatures, since I'm not really sure Thalas has whales), I just had so much fun imagining an agrarian society on the ocean, you know? That might be a darling I have to kill... or at least put in a coma. So, pending a final decision on life-support or a DNR, I'll be keeping "olyve" for this draft at least. Thanks for the opinions, they've helped quite a bit.

How do you guys feel about the word "olyve"? It's a crop in my setting that looks like an olive and also contains oil, but it grows in the sea. Do you think I'd be better served making up an entirely new name, change a familiar name slightly (olyve, oliff, ...) or just literally use the word olive and try to make it clear it's not an olive as we know it? I've seen similar things done in all three of these ways, but I'm interested to see what your opinions on the matter are.

I've got this (somewhat far-fetched) theory that Lift's got Terris ancestry. It makes sense to me, but I won't expect it to to anyone else, since it's based on assumptions and wishes, mostly.

Oh wow! I did not expect any more feedback on this, but any is appreciated. Noted for revision, I'll probably go with "sections". I think adding an "it" there would actually be creating a grammatical error instead of correcting one. Yay! Thanks! The action is meant to be involuntary, or at least unconscious, will ponder on this some more. The idea behind the Yoda-speak was to disguise her natural speech patterns to avoid recognition, but it's not coming across like that, so it's more distracting than anything else, I'll probably have her talking normal next revision. If I decide to keep an odd speech pattern, I'll try to get it away from Yoda, but it's harder than it sounds... OK Oh yay, this is the first "shown, not told" verdict I've gotten. That's exactly what the smile at the end is supposed to tell, thanks for noticing . And thanks for the feedback in general Robinski.

I actually think that comes back in a later episode, and then they do mention Lando. ..Or maybe it was in one of Brandon's BYU lectures on YouTube... so much material to get mixed up.

Because Pattern's behaviour sort of reminds me of a computer sometimes.

Does Pattern's shape in the physical realm have a connection to the string of numbers that make up his real name? (and is that name in binary?)

Wiki-ed garlic: "In Europe, many cultures have used garlic for protection or white magic, perhaps owing to its reputation as a potent preventative medicine." It's also not specific to vampires, apparently.

Here's NASA's explanation of why the sky is blue: http://spaceplace.nasa.gov/blue-sky/en/ I suppose an atmosphere with a different chemical makeup could diffract the light differently, but if you want a planet that can sustain (human) life I imagine the margins you can play with on that won't allow for a large color difference. My first idea on Black Sky would be to have the kingdom under a constant solar eclipse, but that doesn't really work... well, maybe if that entire latitude is under the eclipse?... hmm.

My best wishes for 2017 to all of you. (Let's hope it turns out better than the last one.)

Congratulations on the new baby.

"Normal" being a relative term here.

Don't the Hero of Ages epigraphs have Sazed (as Harmony) stating outright that Allomancy is of Preservation? I'd hardly think he could be wrong about that, since he is Preservation at that point. ... plus that WoB...

I have some of the same concerns as neongrey about the "meta". Specifically at the end of page 3, not that I don't enjoy a lime-and-magenta-plaid commentary, but is it really worth breaking the fourth wall again over that? There's nothing wrong with using the "storyteller format" - it's a respectable formula - but IMO it becomes a bit much if you also do fourth wall. Question: is the narrator simply the narrator, or will he be making a physical appearance in the story as well? The opening sequence is very well written IMO. However, I fear it's probably too "literary" for most fantasy readers. You get pretty abstract there, and that can put people off, especially right at the beginning of the book. And if you don't keep doing it for the rest of the book, it also becomes a broken promise. On page 1 you basically state that the purpose of the prologue is (at least partly) to make for a shallower learning curve, not only does that make for a rather info-dumpy feel to the chapter, it could also work the exact opposite of your intentions. Since there is a portion of readers who simply skip any prologue (heretics!), putting information your reader will need in there, the learning curve will actually get steeper for them. As an exercise, imagine the story without the prologue and see if it still works? You have a whole page on the wardens, but they've been dead for twenty years (weren't they supposed to be immortal, by the way?) at the time of these events. You spend another page or more on the "prehistory" with the immortal parents across the sea. You've clearly spent some time and effort on world building, and your concepts are quite interesting, but you're not giving the reader much reason to care about all of that. On the plus side, you've clearly outlined (some of) the promises for the story: the soldier and the necromancer, the chambermaid's tale, the fall of the civilization... giving the reader something too look forward to, while at the same time not revealing too much. You have a tendency to get a bit rambling in places, but you do have the sort of voice and style that can make those parts fun to read. I found that to be the case for the whole chapter, in fact. I'm looking forward to Chapter 1.