Eagle of the Forest Path

@Lord Bookworm The attribute storage as you describe it right now is something of a rip-off, but I guess it depends on what attributes you pick for your system. (If you get rid of 'memory' at least, it will go over a lot better, I think) I do like the idea of the container's value affecting how the magic affects it, quite a lot actually. Value is relative though, and I think you could have a lot of fun with that. Market values for one thing. If there's a shortage of leather, the value of boots would go up (compared to gold), so would they become better containers than before the shortage? Secondly is it only monetary value that you're taking into account, or other types as well? If a person is particularly attached to an object they would value it more. So would a pen you inherited from your father be a better container than one you bought in a shop, even though objectively their cost is the same? Conversion between physical/cognitive affecting the crumbling is a good way of preventing the system from becoming overpowered (from attributes becoming "blank"), but be careful to not make it too complicated for a reader to understand easily. I suggest not going into too much detail and avoiding having a plot hinge on this.

This might be because I'd read the first version, but I think this draft is less powerful than the last one. The title is a lot better though. Until the last line I thought that it would turn out to be time that made slaves of us all. L. really does seem to come up with the idea of holding the intonations in her memory for T.'s use rather quickly. But if you combine that with Gustaf's comment that it's unlikely (I prefer to avoid using the word impossible) that L. wouldn't have noticed T.'s problems it looks to me like you have two problems that are solutions to one another.

Wow, this is kind of ... grim, isn't it, at the end? But it's certainly poignant enough to be powerful. I like the magic, sorry: majik words and how you made them all using only two vowels and four consonants. I'm not nearly as fond of the word majik itself, though, I don't really see any added value in this to just using plain old "magic". I'll admit this spelling is a bit more in-culture, but it pulled me out of the story. I don't get how L is going to be T's master in the future. Does she mean that with his mind going she'll be the one in charge from now on? If so, that doesn't really mesh with her claiming to love him earlier. The title is okay, but I don't really see the connection to the story (apart from the setting), so a different title could be better IMO. I doubt keeping this one would be a handicap, though. Sorry, not really helpful, is it?

Meh, unicorns... you see one in the distance and get all excited, but in the end it just turns out to be a donkey with a plunger stuck to its head.

The difference is that those backstories aren't directly related to the "main" storyline's events. They explain a character's personality and motivations, but, ultimately, they aren't absolutely necessary to understand the story (this is open for discussion, but that's how I feel anyways). It's also down to reader's trust, which they (i.e. Brandon) sometimes go on about on Writing Excuses. Over Elantris, the Mistborn Trilogy and Warbreaker Brandon has built up trust with his audience, so he can afford to do things that are usually discouraged (like the quadruple triple prologue in Way of Kings). Because we know his writing style we give him the benefit of the doubt, that's an advantage new writers don't get so there are things we're better off avoiding. Lastly, this is a short story, so it's generally discouraged to get fancy with backstory (or multiple POVs for that matter) since a backstory - withheld or not - tends to give a better return on investment if the reader has a longer time to get invested in a character. On the other hand, the format might also mean an agent could give you more leeway and read to the end instead of just the first 10 pages, not leaving them confused between part 1 and 2 in the first place. In conclusion: you know where your story's going, we don't, so it's up to you to judge whether Treb's backstory will get sufficiently resolved in the second half. I've got a good feeling about that.

How about 'abbot'?

Nice. Coptic bindings are awesome, aren't they?

Thanks, Glamdring, that wind thing really helps. I'm wondering if you'd actually get storms on such a world though. As you say, water is awesome as a heat regulator, and as I understand it, you need masses of cold and hot air rubbing up against each other to make storms. I think what you say is pretty much what I meant by precession of equinoxes (turns out it's pre-, not pro-, by the way). I looked up this wiki about it, the picture makes it pretty easy to understand the concept at least. On earth, the axis ("tilt direction") makes one full rotation in about 26-thousand years. On my fantasy world I'd have it happen in less than 40 years (and let's say year length is about the same). This means that a four-season "cycle" from solstice to solstice would be noticeably shorter (or longer, depending on the direction of rotation) than an actual solar year. Most I've worked out in consequences is that navigating by the stars is going to be a lot more difficult (and astrology has the possibility of being a lot more interesting) because each "cycle" you'd have the constellations in a different place.

I've got a (fantasy) story set on a water-world. It's over 90% ocean, all the land is in a single thin continent stretching north to south (uninhabitable because of the radiation from large handwavium deposits in the ground). I'm having some trouble determining what the weather would be like on such a world. Due to the relative lack of topography, I'd image the weather to be pretty uniform. In specific, the prevailing winds could become story-relevant. I think the winds would be opposite to the direction of spin (with some north or south added in, depending on the latitude) but I'm having some trouble remembering my high-school geography classes. I also had the idea of a very rapid procession of equinoxes. They would come full circle in about 36/37 revolutions around the sun. Can anyone tell me if that would have any adverse effects on my planet (apart from making navigating by the stars devilishly more difficult)?

"Trop fauché pour voyager à l'étranger."

On question 2, bear in mind that there would be little to no centrifugal force on this planet, so if you want gravity around 1G your planet has to be lighter than earth. For 3, it depends on the type of cloud cover. Greenhouse gasses (sorry, I can't be more specific) allow heat in and keep it in (like on Venus, as you say); volcanic clouds keep heat out (like on Scadrial). By using either of these you can get more play on the type of star and your planet's orbit radius. You can probably find more on https://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

Thanks for reading and giving feedback. Robinski rdpulfer Mandamon Another great round of comments. I hope I can count on you again for the next submission.

Another great sequence here. Chapter 21 ended very abruptly. This is probably due to WRS, but it took me a while to realize they just (re)introduced the dead guy, so the cliffhanger kind of fell flat at first. Great tension in Chapter 22 with 218's charging countdown. I like that C. is starting to bug. What is Q. supposed to provide deniability for, exactly? I'm having trouble understanding the reasoning behind this. The voicemail in Chapter 23 is hilarious. p181 "the compliment of staff...": complement p182 "He found his attention wondered more...": wandered. p185 "Quirk let Popescu drive, ...": I think this needs to be a bit more specific. I assume Q. didn't get a choice in who'd be driving. p186 "a threat, a weakness, an opportunity or an arsehole." lol p190 "It they would finish..." uhm, what? p194 "but the psychological deterioration was, marked.” Woah, there's a twist! Starting to feel a bit sorry for C. now. Also, the comma used exclusively to indicate a pause is bothering me a bit. p194 "...after the terrible extent..." somewhat over-dramatic, no? p196 "Mills Jnr", did they change the abbreviation for junior? p197 "I’ve got this list of _?_ from observations of Androcon’s security footage." missing a noun in there, I think. And, depending on the noun, you can probably safely get rid of "observations of".

Hello, On somewhat short notice, this is chapter 5 of Jet Black Medium. Unlike my previous submission this one has some more 'action', as well as some actual lawkeeping (though not in the story's main case yet). Since my last previous submission, I've decided that if this story is to have even a chance of working, I need to do a(n other) thorough restructuring. I'm going to write on to the end first though, so this submission (and the ones in the future) will be continuing from what I've already submitted. Summary: Prologue: In which a man visits a priestess and has her curse someone. Chapter 1: In which our hero visits a crime-scene, has an argument with his boss, and gets a shave. Chapter 2: In which our heroine arrives, is flirted with by her escort, and eats some festival food. Chapter 3: In which our hero meets our heroine, forms an opinion, and dismisses her. Chapter 4: In which our heroine recovers from meeting the hero, meets her new landlady, and unpacks an old friend. Chapter 5: In which the heroine receives a disappointing task, fulfills the task (more or less), and receives further disappointing tasks. (Chapter 6: In which our hero receives some bad news, sees an old friend, and chides our heroine.) Enjoy reading, Eagle.

If there's no objections, I could submit also.

I see, it's not quite the same 'eh' though. Our version sounds more like 'meh' without the m.

Ah, I'm Belgian, and I have to admit Flemish is not actually a distinct language. It's basically Dutch, really. It's sort of like the difference between British English and American English. So "Dutch" on G**gle translate works for either nationality. Most people are bilingual (Dutch-French) to some degree, but it's very rare to find someone who'd address you as "monsieur" and then add commentary in Dutch (unless you're having a conversation in French, in that case the Dutch might be backtalk the French-speaker is not meant to understand). If you decide to go back to the Belgian route, here's a speech tic I hear rather often from other Flemish people when speaking English: a lot of us add "eh" to the end of every (or every other) sentence. Drives me nuts when I hear it, but it might add that authentic "chocolates, waffles, and chips" flavour to the character.

Proceed as you wish, but it appears to me we've reached the Godwin Point.

From the content tags I was expecting something more... psychedelic. These chapters were a fun read, but there are some things that are inconsistent (or just weird developments) with the previous material. C.'s character development doesn't really track for me, I agree with Kais that the progression into full-on killbot is rather rapid. He also switched from "crazed sex robot" to "vengeful homicidal crusader" in the space of a single chapter, which is more serious IMO. The OCD traits are also a strange addition. Ma. suddenly jumping Q. came out of nowhere, it needs better foreshadowing and/or more reasons than "but there’s no one I’ve been able to open up to.” p161 "He walked the female-shaped android in", that would technically make it a gynoid. p162 "...occupied by androids charging," I think "charging androids" would be better. p164 "...just another GC flunky, screwing all they could from him." This phrasing would mean Mi. was the one doing the screwing. p169 "bright, blue overshoes", no comma I think, since bright refers to blue and not to shoe. p170 Nice twist with the cops. I immediately thought the same thing as Q. (The lawyer screwed me! And not in the way I was expecting.) p172-173 so is Me. supposed to be French or Dutch? From the name and ‘slimmerick’ I'd say Dutch, but why throw in a 'Monsieur' then? p174 "I'm not that good an actress.” so is she a bad actress telling the truth, or such a good actress that she can make Q. believe she's a bad actress. I guess we'll find out by the end of the book. p176 "so he’s a good seven hours ahead of us." plus 12 days IIRC. I'm looking forward to the next installment, which is normal, but usually it's (mainly) because I like your writing style, now I'm also wondering how the new elements I currently consider odd are important/necessary to the story.

Hi Robinski! Thanks for the feedback. Also thanks for the replies to my questions.

First of all, thank for reading. I've (finally) figured out I'm suffering from a major case of the plot driving the characters (instead of the other way around), which accounts for a great deal of the comments here. It's going to take another major overhaul to straighten that out, and I'm just not motivated enough about this story to do that (maybe someday). For now, I'm going to muddle on and work through to the end of this draft (those of you curious to see what happens will), trying to learn as much as I can from it. I'll fix what I can, and then I think JBM is gonna get scrapped for parts. A large part of the problem is that I didn't spend enough time on Laurea's and Probitus' characters, I've got decent backstories for them, but didn't think enough on how they would reflect in their personalities and outlooks. The side characters are worse. On to my replies to your different comments: Mandamon Kais IndustrialistDragon Thank you all for the feedback, some of it I'll use straight away, some in the possible overhaul (that would make it JBM 3.0, and I haven't even finished a complete first draft yet). I'm glad everyone found something in here they liked, and I hope that continues in my next submissions.

On the plus side, there are some ideas here I really like: the mental clock-face orientation, there being other handhelds than cLife™, that kiss at the end was sweet (sort of), ... I always felt C was kind of sex-obsessed, but this chapter just lifted it to a whole new level. Downside, like @kais points out, there's not much arc here. I feel some of the bite has gone out of the M vs Q interaction. It's good their relationship is evolving, but in these few chapters it feels confused, as if you're doubting how acidic to be at this point. p155 the phone call is a bit hard to read, took me a few read-throughs to get it all. Compared to your usual prose it also leaves too rough a feeling, IMO. p155 "Mary looked fit to be tied." Huh? p159 minor quibble with "sputum", it's not actually the same thing as saliva. Contrary to @kais, I'm surprised they were so quick to go to the apartment, at this point there's no connection to C that they know about, and Mi has been dead for nearly two weeks by then. Q doesn't explain why he wants to see the apartment, which I think would help, as right now it feels like a rather random thing to do, especially with such urgency. I hope I'm not overstepping any bounds here (so feel free to ignore) but if I were writing this, I'd have Q request the files first and then have him decide to check out the apartment too (just in case there's anything Mi left out of the main file or something). Thanks for providing a fun read, as always.

Okay, so this is a pretty tough question and I've been thinking on it on and off for a week now. I think I can give you a bit of an answer now: I always* find Origon fun to read, in large part because I think it's really interesting to see how his common sense conflicts with other people's/characters' common sense. *"always" meaning all of his appearances in SoD, as it's the only one I've read so far that has Origon in it.

I actually meant the hyphens and stuff when the landlady is talking to LC like she (LC) is hard of hearing (and perhaps a bit slow).

Another good chapter. No problems with Sam's POV, apart from the time he's supposed to have spent in the Nether. You say it's his second day, but from some of his thoughts/comments it seems like he's been there longer. R. vs. O. is reading a bit strained, but that's likely intentional. The "frowning upon invaders from another house" is a bit reminiscent of White Tower politics from WoT. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's pretty hard to avoid in settings like this. Just thought I'd mention it. "Most Traditional Servants", great sect name. p4 "...here more than ever." Now more than ever? p4 " “Drains,” he insisted." Imagining this made me chuckle. p5 "F. only has a few years..." Do you use both "cycles" and "years"? Is there a difference? (and if so, do you explain it anywhere?) I hope to read more soon.