rdpulfer

I also think it sounds very interesting - I like that it merges a vaguely Judeo-Christian Father/Son dynamic into a very cool cosmic story. I do agree with Robinski that some kinks need to be worked out. I'd also add that you might need to clarify which the Father is afraid of - the Sons' Alphas rising up against him, or the Prophecy itself? Both are very cool motivations, but both require a lot of build-up. Still, I can't wait to read this in finished form. Best of luck!

- Right off the bat, I like Kisare getting angry about her system getting thrown off. It's a very subtle thing which says a lot about her personality and organization skills. - It's a little hard distinguishing whose POV this chapter is from in the first few lines. Bel is mentioned first, but we are hearing Kisare's reaction, so it's tough to see if we are seeing Kisare directly or just Bel's reaction to Kisare. - Good job showing why Kisare wants to save Hbelu. It could be a cover for other reasons, but it still seems practical from her standpoint. - I like that Bel picks up on how the town is set up. It shows her skills in comparison to Kisare's. - I also like Gemeti comparing Kisare to a cat trying to get a mouse. - I really like what Gemeti brings to the table. I'm really interesting to know what her exact motivations are. Overall, this chapter brought some interesting revelations to the fold, especially with regards to Hbelu's plans. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

- Like I said in the last chapter, watch out for comma splice. The prose really does have a classic, 19th century vibe to it, but putting too many commas can break up or distract from the flowery prose. - I really like the present Blacklake interacting with people in general, especially in Cambridge. I really like his meeting with the dean. This might be something which is better seen rather than told, simply because it sounds like a humorous episode. Plus, you could lay out what conclusions the dean draws about Blacklake. - I really like his interaction with Judith Carmichael. This character in particular feels like a good match for Blacklate - small and timid yet not afraid to speak her mind when pushed. - I'm not really sure what's to come from here on. I liked the flashback with Anna, I'm just not sure it's in the right place unless the events in the present somehow deal with Anna in a significant way. If this isn't the case, it might be better to put the flashback elsewhere in the novel, since the readers are still getting their bearings in the first few chapters.

- Watch out for comma splices in some of the sentences. It can make a sentence look like a run-on when it works perfectly fine with just one set of commas or none at all. - I love the play on words with "work face" and "clay face". - I also love how you described his early writing looking like beasts regarding the viewer. - I didn't realize Blacklake even had a brother until several pages into this chapter. It might not be pertinent to the rest of the story, but you may want to include it earlier to give further view to what Blacklake's home life was like. - Overall, I really liked this chapter - both in regards to his relationship with his father and Anna - and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Thanks Mandamon! I'm glad you liked it, but you might be waiting for a while - we're kind of on an extended hiatus. A lot of stuff happened . . . our artist quit . . . my writing partner's baby was born and job was lost in the same month . . . so we're slowly figuring it out. But thanks for reading!

- Good description in the first paragraph, of both the sisters' attitude and the forest itself. - I like Beli noting the concern Kisa has for Hbelu, and the shift from her previous distaste for the prince. Still, I think you should solidify exactly how Beli feels about the situation. She seemed to get along with the prince, yet she's pretty apathetic at this point. What does that say about her character? - Good job showing the contrast between the sister. It's also interesting to see Kisa being the impulsive one for once. "A nice measurable quantity, right?" Kisa nodded and accepted the slice. "You first. I want to see you control the winds." She waited until Kisa's hand was halfway to her mouth. "At least more than you do with your snoring." - Your tags seemed to be getting mixed up here again. Since Beli and Kisa are the same gender, the use of "she" is a bit confusing. I like the crack about snoring though - All and all, I liked this chapter. I enjoyed the description of the Fruits' power as well as the general feeling of anticipation as the sisters reached their destination. I seriously can't wait to see what happens next!

- I like Blacklake using age as a cheat sheet for humanity - it's just a shortcut for him to gather details on people without getting too personal. This is an interesting perspective on age from someone who doesn't have to worry about it. - I really like the line that beauty is no defense against death. - Overall, I thought it was a pretty powerful scene. I liked how Blacklake likes to look at Mary in the flashback, but now has forgotten how face altogether. It's a very subtle and very powerful illustration of the character's loss of humanity.

- It seems a little odd that Beli isn't a little concerned with Hbelu. Of the sisters, she seemed to be getting along with the prince. I do like Beli calling out Kisa on her change of heart about the villagers, but I'm not sure it makes sense for Beli to be the complete opposite - apathetic - in this case. I can understand her wanting to get a fresh start, just maybe not that extreme. - I have to agree with gwslow that Nidintu showing up is a bit too random. Why wouldn't she just send the sisters back to the village to warn them about the attack, while she focused on saving Hbelu (unless she for some reason expects them to fail?) Those are my thoughts anyway. - I like the information in the Appendix about the origins, yield and abilities of each Fruit. I also liked that it's from the point of view of the philosopher, so it seems in keeping with the book's tone instead of a simple info-dump.

I did not get that until now

That's an interesting idea, but I think that might be over-complicating things a bit. Besides, I think the fair folk are okay so long as they aren't touch pure iron, like the bars in a cell or the shelves in a library. I think they are okay touching a keyboard. But thanks for the observation all the same.

Thanks robinski! You've given me plenty to work on, and I appreciate all of the comments. As per your and Mandamon's comments, I'm going to put a little more detail into Sonny's (not Sony's lol) thought process.

I agree with gwslow. I don't think it's too complex either. Also, so far into the story, the emphasis has been on the Fruit itself, while hair color has somewhat been in the background, since Beli has realized her gift and Kisare has just discovered her. So far, I don't think it's too complex at all. It might be good to mention the fruits and hair colors a little more so the reader doesn't lose sight, but overall, I think it's been handled well.

Thanks Mandamon. I'll add a little bit more about Sonny's background to explain why he wants the top spot so much. I'll also fix the continuity and grammar errors you noted. Thanks again.

- I really like the vivid picture you paint of this character, especially in the first couple pages. I especially liked the bit about someone dropping change into his box of oils while he is painting. - The style of the prose seems to evoke the elegant, matter-of-fact tone of classic literature. This is really a strength, but even so, watch out for unnecessary words and passive voice. Some of this might just be because it's a first draft. - The period is questionable until Page 4, when you actually gave a date, albeit in the past.. Up until then, I could tell it wasn't set in present day, but I really wasn't sure when it was set until this time. It might be a good idea to work in some more period-specific elements in the description beforehand. - I liked the footnote. That shows a well-research sense of legitimacy. Just a word of caution: I think footnotes only work in fiction if they are done consistently. They definitely shouldn't be overdone, but there should appear every so often throughout the work. I hope this helps! I'll try to go into Word and make some corrections later this week!

- We know how Belili feels about having magic hair, but how does Kisare feel about it? She thinks to herself, "Time to deal with that later", which seems to suggest she might be conflicted about it. It might be a good idea to expand on this. - I do like Kisare's desire for an identity, and her frustration of having to go from a slave to a pretend "savage". - I like seeing the scene between Hbelu and Bel play out from Kisare's fly-on-the-wall perspective. - I really like the explanation of what the Olive does. It makes sense, since it's so much different than the other fruit. - Good use of tension and action in the scene with Enti-IIzi. I was really frightened for both of the characters. - I would have liked to have seen more action around Hbelu as he fights the guards. Most of the descriptions seems focused on why he was limited, which is good, but there's not enough description on what he's actually doing during the fight. - Overall, I really enjoyed this scene. It was awesome to see the Fruit being used in an intense, action-packed scene. I can't wait to read the next one!

Here's my short story "A Troll's Story". Thanks in advance for the feedback!

I was planning to submit another short story I wrote this coming Monday, if it's okay

- Again, I think it's good to be specific when describing the items these characters are carrying. You might not have to describe every little thing, but I think you should say what "odds and ends" entails, whether its medical supplies, food or additional weaponry. - I like Kisare's perspective, especially since this sister seems the closest tied to her life of slavery. I also liked her observation on the warrior and the tracker. - Make sure you can tell whose POV we are seeing. Is it Kisare's reaction or Bel's reaction to Kisare's reaction? It feels confusing sometimes, and it might be better to just add a tag or two of "Kisare thought..." - I liked the conflict between Kisare and Bel at the end of the chapter, with Kisare noting the villagers only acting in their own self-interest. - It might be a good time to show more of Nidintu and Zibar's personality. Overall, it's a good read. The narrative always moves fast, and I'm rarely, if ever, bored with what's going on. I can't wait to read next week's installment.

Thanks for sending in the next chapter! - On the first page, I'm just curious what trinkets they had. Since a slave's possessions are so meager to begin with, it might be good to explain what these trinkets looked like. You might be able to build some character this way as well. - I was hoping to see Kisa's perspective in this chapter. The last chapter was from Beli's perspective if I remember right. It might be better to alternate their perspective unless you are trying to build suspense or they are in a sequence where it doesn't make sense to split them up. - I did like the interplay between the sisters, especially when they are checking each other's hair. - I also liked the mystery of what silver does, and that Kisa - who hasn't seemed very interested in magic up until now - has a larger strand than Beli. Overall I thought it was a good chapter. It built up the intrigue about the Olives while also building some mystery around the sisters and the powers of the Fruits. Good job - I can't wait to read the next one.

Thanks Robinski. That's what I was going for, in terms of personality. I'll just make sure it's actually reflected in their dialogue.

It's based on all kinds of mythology, but the main emphasis is on Greek, Egyptian and Norse. I'm going to probably post the first chapter in a month or so, when I'm ready to editing for the final (to date) draft.

Thanks robinski! I really appreciate all the feedback! This is extremely helpful. - I called the drone "Arnie" since it's a Predator drone. I know it's not an exact metaphor, and I'll take your suggestion about the anthropomorphism of the drone into consideration. - I also appreciate you calling me on switching POV. This is supposed to be from Marlene's point of view, so any POV switch is a big no-no. - TMZ is a celebrity gossip website. - I'll also look at differentiating between the characters in terms of tone and personality. Thanks again for reading my story - I really appreciate the feedback.

I suppose I should introduce myself before I get too much further into the board. My name is Richard. Up until recently, I was primarily a comic book guy. My webcomic, presently in hiatus, is Blue Yonder (which is where my avatar comes from). I also wrote the comic "Bat & Wolf", which won Zeroes2Heroes' Direct2Development comic pitching contest. Recently, I started transitioning to prose. I'm currently putting the finishing touches on a mythology-based urban fantasy. I'm also the Director of Programs at InPrint Writers Organization, where I also had the pleasure of interviewing Mary Robinette Kowal for our radio show. I'm currently a little over halfway through "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss.

Thanks for the read, Mandamon! I actually haven't seen Interstellar yet, but so I guess I'll take it as a compliment that me and Jonathan Nolan thought of the same thing Also thanks for noting that awkward sentence. I'll give the tone another reading. I wanted to make the stakes high for Marlene, but if its inconsistent or clashing with the rest of the story, maybe it needs to be change. Thanks again for the critique!

There's a lot of Beli's voice in this chapter, which is a good thing in my opinion There are a few places where I worry it's unclear if it's Beli or the author talking, like "It was hard for her sister to transition to freedom". On the other hand, I love it when Beli notes her sister is always contrary. I'm really missing the conversation where Beli sold Kisa on this plan. We've seen every step of their escape so far, and it feels a little anticlimactic for Beli just to tell Heblu that they are now in agreement. Good use of Heblu's facial expression. This has me wondering what he's thinking . . . and what he could have planned for either or both of the sisters. This might be silly, but I kinda wanted to see the hedgehog too. It also might be a good way to establish the nature of this world - especially if Beli's newly discovered magic has any effect on it. The ending also feels a little anticlimactic, especially in a chapter which has been so rich with Beli's voice and thoughts. That said, I'm really excited to see what is coming next now that we have the beginnings of a team set up. I can't wait to read the next chapter!