Kobold King

I once had a dream that the Tsurani from Raymond E. Feist's Riftwar Saga launched an invasion on The Wheel of Time universe. I woke up before the epic battle between Great Ones and Aes Sedai could unfold though.

I get the feeling that he'll go through at least two or three more deaths during the CorpseMaker war. Especially if he tries to confront any of CM's stronger Epics by himself--if Quickslide was such a hardship for him to deal with, than I hate to imagine how badly Electro would squash him. (Who am I kidding; I love to imagine it, and this should totally happen in canon. ) There are few Lightwards ships that could plausibly work. He wasn't interested in a relationship before Calamity and nothing's changed since then; he can't even bear the sight of a couple kissing without being profoundly annoyed. I do enjoy the current dynamic between Lightwards and Funtimes, though. They share an unstable nature enough to work together, but ultimately their motivations conflict too much for them to be true friends. (Does Funtimes actually suspect public displays of affection to be his weakness?)

When he creates a Warrior, the unfortunate zombie becomes firmly enslaved to his every command. They lose all free will and rationality, existing only to carry out his will. The same happens to Lightwards when he resurrects--he becomes more susceptible to his own impulses with every death. He has trouble keeping a grip on himself. Rationality starts to evade him, and he becomes more and more fixated on random emotions ranging from euphoria to crippling paranoia. This is a good example of what he'd do after suffering around twenty deaths. He'd start acting out more and more of his weirder impulses, ironically becoming more and more like Doctor Funtimes. The reason he's currently in an alliance with her is because he can already think like her--he proposed that he help her turn Portland into a giant smiley face. She has a hidden side of her as dark as he is, and he has a whimsical side as quirky as hers. No TwiLyght, you can't ship it.

That settles it. One more mind-shattering death, and Lightwards is changing his name to the Dino-Epic.

* resurrects to see Remington hang gliding away from the Museum * "Curse you Remy the Springfield!" Meanwhile... Toymaker: Boss, boss, come look what Funtimes did to our base! CorpseMaker: Haven't we gone through this before? Every day you call me over with some wild story about Funtimes, but there's never anything worth getting excited about. Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic? Toymaker: No, it's there! Come look! * the Museum of Natural Awesomeness swings down low in its flight, snagging a giant robotic bouncy castle and carrying it into the sky * Toymaker: Grr. Never mind. Absolutely.

Lightwards put his hand on his chest, staring off into space with his eyes twinkling. "When I was a boy growing up in Drusselstein, the Cardinals were a proud family. Until one day, our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. And so with me at a tender age, my father decided that it would be I who would protect our garden from black magic Epics..." * Remington in a fedora hits the Museum's self-destruct button * They could notice Backtrack walking the momentum twins through town, and join up with him. Then they can all sign up with the Empire together.

I was under the impression that Max's main goal was to kill Electro. While overthrowing Lightwards might be a long-term goal, is it implausible to believe they might help him out as long as he's trying to kill CorpseMaker and his minions? They're going to work with at least one other Epic, but I don't know how far they're willing to go. (Maybe we should call this guy "Catalyst." And scary as it is, I kind of like the idea of him teaming up with Quota long enough to blanket Portland in a stifling emotional atmosphere.)

When Aldo returns he'll report Alice missing (which will not go over well with Lightwards, who's already having a bad day.) That could perhaps be a good opening for Nathan and Remington to have this conversation? She's not likely to wander into the Empire, as at the moment she's floating aimlessly through CM's territory. Though if Alice met Max and then Black Fist contacted the Empire... well, that could provide an opening for Remington coming into contact with her. We'd have to be careful that Lightwards doesn't notice her, or that he shrugs her off as unimportant and lets Max "keep" her. (A random thought I just had: what if we introduced an NPC Epic who can supercharge other Epic's abilities? Perhaps any Epics who stand within a certain radius of him have their powers amplified by an order of magnitude. Imagine Altermind being able to throw cars with his mind, or Lightwards being capable of controlling hundreds of zombies at a time. It could be a catalyst for inter-faction warfare as they struggled to maintain control of this guy, and the amplified powers would only hasten the Desolation of Oregon.)

Typical Epic arrogance. Scared of a spatial distortion Epic who lives hundreds of miles away, but oblivious to the Epic-killing gun-slinging hunter with a grudge against him. Are we still planning on having Alice meet Max and Remington? Any ideas on when these things could happen?

Oddly enough, many of my most upvoted posts in the What Happened in Oregon RP have been posts where my Epic character threatens to kill someone. Is devising death threats my special talent, or are Sharders just a bloodthirsty group of people?

Oh--right after I posted that question, I noticed that the male speaker called her "sweetie." As of yet, Remington and Funtimes don't have that kind of relationship. And while Funtimes may be Lightwards' Epic nemesis, I get the feeling that he should be far more afraid of Remington Springfield. Not that he knows it.

I really love this latest Remington scene. Just one question? Who does this refer to: I'm probably being dim-witted here, but is she referring to Lightwards punching Nathan, or Nathan punching Remington?

I admit, I haven't really payed attention to the "Shardcast" part of the 17th Shard. I watched the first few minutes of this one, and intend to watch the rest later on. It's good stuff. Mainly though, I just wanted to express how strange it was to see the various staff members as human beings. I've always rather assumed that you were sophisticated A. I. s programmed for website moderation. It turns out you're not only human beings, you're laughing, smiling human beings who crack jokes about how professional you are. I feel like my entire conception of reality has been overturned.

"Doctor Funtimes, why haven't you covered the world in sprinkles yet? It's getting boring up here."

Excellent. I thought that as long as you're in a badchull mood anyway, might as well namedrop the Sadry's. The reference to a voice speaking in Lightwards' head years ago is based off of what Deathpoint said in the bank. I subscribe to the theory that it was Calamity itself speaking to Deathpoint, so that's what I had in mind here. Of course, if it later turns out that this theory is completely false, we can chalk it up to Lightwards' antidepressants working poorly with Epic physiology, causing mild schizophrenia.

Punosaurus got your tongue, TwiLyght? Trying to think of names for a Feruchemist Epic... how about Ring or Copperarm?

When Lightwards had first become an Epic, years ago in Sacramento, he'd heard a voice in his head. It was a quiet voice, a curious whisper in the back of his skull. It had said "Lightwards, why are you hiding? Why aren't you fixing what's so clearly broken?" To the lonely and terrified Thomas Cardinal, it had seemed like the voice of God--or the decree of Calamity. In that moment, he realized the weakness that had dominated his past. He knew how to move forward. He was still terrified. His feet sank into tar, and so did his confidence from just before. But he held on to that voice from long ago--the voice that had given him his mission. Funtimes had fixed him with a sinister glare and had grabbed him by the collar. He forced himself to meet her cold eyes. She didn't like herself at all. There was no glimmer of mischief; there was no amiable smile on her lips. On Funtimes' face was a look of unrivaled contempt and fury. It was not the face of a pouting toddler--it was the face of an enraged Epic in all her glory. She looked, more than anything else, like Möbius. Lightwards gritted his teeth as his rival leaned closer to him, her hands still firmly gripped around his collar. "I. Kissed. Him. Kissing does not mean pet. Kissing means boyfriend. If you hurt my boyfriend, you might as well find your weakness and shoot yourself, because I will make every death so awful you'll wish the Great Noodly One picked someone else instead of you. Capice?" He almost responded before she shook him, making him trail off with a loose curse. "And them?" Funtimes continued, gesturing to the other vanillas. "They are not pets. They are friends. Friends are not for hurting, either. If you do, you will die so many times you'll forget you were ever alive." She shoved him backwards as she reformed the soil, causing Lightwards to hit the ground with a thud. Funtimes loomed over him, still looking menacing. "I don't hurt my friends, Lightwards. I give them things. Good things. This museum is a good thing. This jungle is a good thing. I like to give good things….to my friends." The look of fury still stretched across her face, but now it shared space with a wicked smile. "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about it: are. you. my. friend?" Lightwards pulled himself to his feet, using a raptor that had walked nearby as a support. Across the clearing and behind Funtimes, he saw her pet redneck helping Traveler to his feet. He took a few shaky steps on firm ground before meeting Funtimes' icy gaze. He hated this woman with a fury that surpassed all else in the universe. He wanted nothing more than to spit in her face, to have his raptors descend upon her vanillas and rip them to shreds. He wanted to see her writhing in agony, pleading for mercy. Instead, he thought of his mission. That was more important than hatred--if just barely. So he smiled, giving his cold stare as he did so. "We're friends, Doctor Funtimes. We made a pact after all, back at the Sadry residence: we will together reshape the world in our image." He shook himself, suppressing the fury he felt rising to consume him. "I won't touch any of your p--ah, friends, so long as we fight on the same side." He turned around and determinedly began a march back towards Sightline and Voidgaze. He was startled to bump into Simon Regway, who dully stood in the path with a blank expression. The Warrior held out a pair of sneakers to him. Lightwards frowned at the zombie before taking them, scraping some of the stickier tar off his feet before slipping them on. "Let us head back to our guests," he called back to his glittery assailant. "It's not polite to keep them waiting while we... settle our differences."

You've made no bones about your intention to kill him. Clearly he's fighting back in the only way he's able. I also noticed the Soother connection. And am I the only one who wants to see a Feruchemy-inspired Epic?

Lightwards has now been noted to share characteristics with Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. Soon his characterization will expand to cover all the ponies, and he will become invincible! Ahem. Yeah, Lightwards is kind of a slonze. That is true--there are several characters here that aren't too bad. But since band-aids and Sausage McMuffins aren't going to destroy Oregon, we need a good helping of Complete Monsters to hasten the devastation.

If Lightwards discovered he was merely an antagonistic figure in a forum RP, he would suffer a brief bout of existential crisis before trying to escape into the real world to kill us all. He really is a despicable person, and it was fun to see him called out on his "pet" terminology. Funtimes has a ruthless streak, but she's probably the only decent Epic in the RP besides Voidgaze.

Well, I'm officially more terrified of Funtimes than any other Epic ever. And yet, despite the mortal terror she induces, I grinned through the entire last post just because I was rooting for her so much.

I thought that Lightwards was remarkably laid back about the whole matter, considering. He even promised not to feed him to the raptors. If Funtimes retaliated, he'd pretty much just grumble, remove himself from whatever she transformed, and then take out his frustration on some random civilians later. He's already too scared of her to physically abuse her pets on a regular basis--there are some situations, however, that just demand a good punching.

Funtimes frowned, pulling her boyfriend over and whispering to him urgently. They held a brief conference that Lightwards couldn't hear, which culminated in Funtimes grinning maniacally and Traveler looking like he'd seen a ghost. A bloodstained ghost that had just threatened to disembowel him over a fire. The pair hopped up and Funtimes took Lightwards' wrist. They teleported a few dozen yards deeper into the forest, out of Sightline and Voidgaze's earshot. Doctor Funtimes leaned in close, cupping her hand over his ear. "Okie dokie loki," she giggled. "I have a secret. And if you promise to keep it, I'll turn that phone of yours back into a gun." Befuddled, Lightwards glanced at his hand--sure enough, he was no longer clutching a pistol. Instead, a telephone with a long cord lay in his palm. Great, he thought with a sigh. Whatever she's going to tell me will make me want to kill her. More than I already do, at any rate. Even so, he listened eagerly as the Doctor continued. "Nobody outside this Empire thingy, okay? It's a secret. And if you don't keep it, it's acid time because…." Funtimes giggled. Traveler looked like he wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. "Traveler's not an Epic." Traveler's not an Epic. Traveler wasn't an Epic. Traveler had never been an Epic. That smug, insufferable little man who disrespected him at every turn wasn't an Epic. Lightwards stared at her blankly for a moment, his mind processing this latest piece of information. A part of him realized at once how much it made sense. Traveler wasn't an Epic--he was a scared little man who hid behind a real Epic while posturing to his betters. Part of him wanted to applaud the dumb little vanilla for his sheer gall. A much larger part wanted to slowly feed him limb by limb to the raptors. He didn't do so. Instead, he slowly turned to Traveler and gave a tight, mirthless smile. "Well," he hissed softly. "You're not an Epic. You're a pet, like those idiots your mistress pulled out of the crowd yesterday. A pet with a death wish." He turned slowly and smiled at Funtimes. "Since I so value your honesty, I won't kill this little imbecile. But under the circumstances, I hope you'll excuse me if I take a small liberty..." Lightwards turned swiftly and drove his fist into Traveler's stomach. The man let out a small gasp and was shoved into a tree, his head banging into the bark with an audible thud. Lightwards shook his hand off and gave another toothed smile at Funtimes. "I'll keep your little secret, Doctor. So long as you fight on my side, consider your pets safe." He turned away irritably, walking back to the rest of the group. After a few steps he paused and turned back to her. "And Doctor--if you ever grow bored with your little toy and feel like giving him away, do come to me first? It'd be such a shame to let such a brave little body go to waste."

So, who wants to see Lightwards' fourth death from an anger-driven stroke now?